Articles by Ashley Hamilton

He Was Some Einstein—and Funny, Too!

Albert Einstein made a fortune in physics, according to Al Czervik, but Bob Einstein, a.k.a. Super Dave Osborne, mined comedic gold. He was a great straight man. As for his private life, I know nothing. What I do know is this: If good movies are memorable because they have great moments, Einstein was a genius—the […]

A New Year of Resolution Versus Defiance

Congressional Democrats have but one resolution: to undo the president. Do not bemoan their cause, because they intend to keep their word—their newest members never hid their intentions from the public—regarding their desire to investigate the president, to impeach the president, to have a grand jury indict the president. Do not belabor their promise to […]

Cuba Libre

The greatest story ever told—about the greatest story ever told—is not “The Greatest Story Ever Told,” as the New Testament has nothing to do with the 1965 movie about a Nordic Jesus and an ensemble cast of three “Batman” (TV series) villains; a bald Greek (as a Roman prefect); a cross-dresser (in reruns); a murderer; […]

A Lilliputian Revolt

Images abound of American servicemen celebrating Christmas. From shirtless soldiers in the South Pacific, whose first summer is a December day below the equator, to troops in the rain-soaked strip between North and South Korea, whose last Christmas—at home—is a reminder of where they long to be; from these many, whose presence our allies take […]

The Rise of the ‘Welfare Capitalist’

Facebook spends more money to protect Mark Zuckerberg than it does to safeguard your personal data. Do the math, or have Google do it for you, as your hand may cramp, your pencil may break, or you may not have enough space to write so many zeros on behalf of such a zero. Take what […]

Home for the Holidays

They come home more indoctrinated than informed, more addicted than adjusted, more estranged than educated. They come home the way they left it: able to shade the right ovals and say the right things—to not know there are different things to say—because their opinions do not differ from established opinion. They come home with the […]

The Puritanical President

When Thucydides writes his History of the Cola Wars, when he finishes his account of the Eastern Front in which a billion reds, alongside an equal number of whites and blues, defeated the Red Army, when he explains how so many tin soldiers did what France and Germany failed to do—what neither all the marshals […]

End Times for Time Magazine

  From Men of the Year to Person of the Year. From the men who slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the heart of all mankind, who touched the heavens and read the words of our Father who art in heaven, who touched the pages of the oldest book—who turned to the verses […]

Final Thoughts About the Finality and Burial of an Ex-President

Soldiers carried the flag-draped coffin through the nave. They carried it beneath the individual flags of the Republic, between the image of the nation’s Founding Father and the symbol of the Union’s savior. They carried it toward the altar of the National Cathedral, past diplomats and dignitaries ranked in rows, past military commanders of the […]

A Date That Lives in Infamy

He spoke after the dawn’s early light, after he had received proof through the night. He spoke to a nation in mourning. He spoke with growing confidence, because he knew the morning would come when we would raise our flag in defiance; when we would plant our flag on enemy beaches; when we would fly […]

Tom Friedman’s Garage Sale

I have seen the future, and it is a chain-smoking chimpanzee typist: a chest-beating, keyboard-banging columnist for The New York Times who does on paper what he does to the floor—take a massive dump. Yesterday, he used his column to empty his cage. He listed his belongings for sale, including a trampoline, a safety net, […]

Every Page Is Extra: The Interminable Nature of John Kerry

The initials JFK are shorthand for tailors and typesetters alike. The letters adorn barrel cuffs and shirt pockets, where the stitching is surgical in its precision and subtle in its placement: a hand-sewn monogram, in indigo or ivory, that matches the darkest color of a particular fabric. The letters have regional and national significance. They […]

Not His Finest Hour: George Bush and the End of the Cold War

Picture Victory in Europe Day not as an hour of triumph but as a moment of tribulation in which, instead of thanking Englishmen for their strength and stamina, instead of standing alongside ministers of many parties and almost every point of view, instead of standing in defense of King and Country, Winston Churchill stood alone—behind […]

Remembering Ricky Jay

He was two names in one. Not Rick, Richard, or Ricardo. Neither Ricky nor Jay, but Ricky Jay. Rick—ee. J—ay. Ricky Jay. He was fluent in Mamet speak: ready to do the thing, because he said he would do the thing; the thing he talked about, which was his thing; that this thing—everything was secondary […]

‘House of Cards’ Collapses

The wooden, zebra-striped arm—the mechanical limb attached to a squat torso—where cars stop and drivers lower their windows and strain to accept a paper wafer of a ticket before they circumnavigate the levels of this hellish parking garage, before they park their cars and check their teeth in the rear-view windows of their respective sports […]

November 22, 1963

It was not the last word he said, but it was the final word he may have heard. It began in the morning and ended that same day with the nation—and the free world—in mourning. It was both a sentiment and a sight. It was written on signs and placards. It was the name of […]

‘As You Wish’: Remembering William Goldman

William Goldman was the 10th dentist, the outlier among the nine out of 10 dentists who recommend Crest. Untrained and unlicensed, he did more to fight cavities than a global communist conspiracy to fluoridate America’s water supply. His secret: a Nazi dentist—redundant, I know—who introduced himself to patients, before introducing the instruments of torture, by […]

Eyewitness to Hell: The Woolsey Fire

The demonic-shaped face of a cyclone, with two fireballs for eyes—the earthly equivalent of solar flares, with long filaments of plasma—whose pursed lips are like the world’s largest vacuum, suctioning all the dust and debris from the Great Basin—all the sand of Nevada, all the sediment of Oregon, all the stones of Colorado, Utah, and […]

A Tribute to Stan Lee

Picture the scene transition—the spin, the blur, and the fade-away—as we segue from footage of the Hitler Youth to a fleet of newspaper delivery trucks outside Grand Central Station in New York City, where the roll-up doors open and drivers hurl stacks of comic books—of the same comic book—bundled together with twine, as the camera […]