Into the NeverTrump Gulag

Deep in the D.C. Suburbs—After a frightening New York Times column by Bret Stephens comparing Trump supporters to Stalinists and NeverTrump “conservatives” to anti-Communist freedom-fighters, several NeverTrumpers—fearing for their safety—have taken refuge in the suburban home of their de facto leader, Weekly Standard editor-at-large Bill Kristol.

The group includes Stephens, Washington Post columnists Jennifer Rubin and Max Boot, National Review writer Mona Charen, and author Tom Nichols. Their self-imposed exile gives the courageous dissidents a chance to plot their next move, schedule their next MSNBC interview, and close their next book deal without fear of being crushed by the MAGA jackboots . . .

Kristol: OK, brave warriors, here’s what we need to do given my decades of success in mastering the levers of power in Washington. We must first come up with a clever name, like the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq, er, America. Then we draft a Statement of Principles. Then we write a strongly worded letter to the president but it’s really just a prop to get more interviews.

Nichols: [looks up from phone] Can’t we just tweet? It’s the only way I’ll ever get more followers than Hannity.

Kristol:  [tries unsuccessfully to button cardigan sweater] Tom, I know you’re an expert and all, but you don’t understand. None of this means anything, we just have to sound like we know what we’re doing. Trust me, when this is all over, we will be welcomed as liberators of the conservative cause. Or at least considered as clever as I was when I made McCain pick Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Rubin: [Applies garish lipstick] Can we make this quick? I have to be on CNN in an hour and I don’t have all my screaming points done yet. [Looks at Boot] Max, what are you doing?

Boot: I’m writing my next column, “Letter from a McLean Mansion.” I mean, as a historian, I know Martin Luther King had it rough and whatnot, but he didn’t have to deal with social media or Fox News. If you really think about it, we are no different than the Little Rock Nine. Except there’s six of us.

Nichols: [looks up from phone] We should have Rick Wilson, Jonah Goldberg and Charlie Sykes over . . . 

Group: [In unison] Nooooo!

Charen: [pauses from doing needlepoint] Max, that’s a good point. When I was on stage at CPAC courageously saying what literally hundreds of other pundits have been saying over and over about Donald Trump and Roy Moore, I felt just like Rosa Parks. Only braver and more important.

Nichols: [looks up from phone] Kristol, do you have anything to drink in this gulag?

Kristol: [checks fridge] I have lite beer and some rosé from the last time Hillary was here. Or I could whip up a batch of piña coladas. The bartender on the last Weekly Standard cruise shared his secret recipe with me.

Stephens: [sobs quietly] Hillary. She came so close. As I wrote last year, I can’t believe America chose Trump’s “lying, narcissism, bullying, ignorance, paranoia, incompetence and pettiness” over her purity. It makes me feel just like Lech Walesa when he was crushed by Soviet thugs in Gdansk. Only worse, because I’m way smarter than that drunk Polack. He didn’t even go to college!

Nichols: [holds up his hand] Look at how calloused my fingers are. The common man just doesn’t appreciate how much tweeting I must do to fight the goose-stepping MAGAs every waking second of my life. I am just like that guy at the State of the Union who held up the broken crutch he used to escape starvation and forced labor in North Korea. But my condition is much worse because he doesn’t have 100,000 Twitter followers who depend on him, and he never wrote a bestselling book. I actually need my extremities. What does he do?

[Loud pounding on the front door]

Group: [In unison] EEEK!

Kristol: That’s it! The Stalinist-Trumpers are here for us! We are doomed! [peers through the window] Never mind. It’s only Evan McMullin.

Rubin: Don’t let him in. He didn’t tweet out my last column about how the Trumps should be executed just like the Romanovs. [FaceTimes Joy Reid]

Stephens: I guess I can put this away then. [returns handgun to his man purse]

Charen: [buttons up housecoat] Bret! You just wrote two columns about how we should repeal the Second Amendment, which all of us conservatives here totally agree with. How can you possess a weapon of war?

Stephens: I just meant the illiterate rubes in Trump country shouldn’t have guns. I’m not talking about us. That would be just like giving up my doorman on the Upper East Side.

Nichols: [looks up from phone] Bret, you’re so right. I actually . . . . well, this is really hard to admit to all of you . . . . [swallows hard, looks down in shame]

Kristol: What is it?

Nichols: I just went to Ohio for the first time. And I had to, like, talk to people . . . from Ohio. And I even shook their hands. [wipes a tear] I told myself that I was just like Mother Theresa going into the slums of Calcutta, only way worse because these people are from Ohio. And some voted for Trump.

Boot: Where’s Ohio?

Kristol: [puts a paper umbrella in a piña colada] Tom, don’t feel bad. I just went to Wisconsin for the first time. I called Hill on the way back and told her she really should’ve gone there in 2016. She laughed and said, “Ew, gross.”

Rubin: [sets up Skype connection with Rachel Maddow] OK, quiet because I have to do another interview on MSNBC about how Hope Hicks is the smoking gun in the Trump-Russia election conspiracy. [checks mirror] Actually, I think she and I look a lot alike, don’t you guys? [everyone looks at their phone]  

Kristol: [brings out tray of frozen drinks] Alright, my fellow Solzhenitsyns. Who’s ready for a cocktail?

Charen: [adjusts shawl] Did you make mine a virgin?

Ah, the poor NeverTrumpers. It’s not a good sign when you have to tell people that you’re relevant because you’re becoming increasingly irrelevant: “That’s why NeverTrumpers matter; why the Trumpers know they matter (which they prove every time they feverishly assert the opposite); and why progressives who dismiss NeverTrumpers as politically irrelevant are wrong,” Stephens wrote this week.

Desperate pundits do desperate things, such as comparing a few Russian-backed Facebook ads to the 9/11 terror attacks, or claiming that writing a newspaper column in a free society is the same as risking your life to defeat Communism. And no, Stephens and company, when we write about you, it’s not necessarily because you matter. It’s that your delusions of grandeur deserve to be mocked. Whether you are right or not about “conservatism” or the Republican Party or the Trump presidency in the end, you have to own the embarrassing sophistry you used to make your argument about Trumpism, and the tragedies and true heroes you exploited to get clicks. There is nothing courageous about it.

Content created by the Center for American Greatness, Inc. is available without charge to any eligible news publisher that can provide a significant audience. For licensing opportunities for our original content, please contact licensing@centerforamericangreatness.com.

About Julie Kelly

Julie Kelly is a political commentator and senior contributor to American Greatness. She is the author of Disloyal Opposition: How the NeverTrump Right Tried―And Failed―To Take Down the President Her past work can be found at The Federalist and National Review. She also has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, The Hill, Chicago Tribune, Forbes, and Genetic Literacy Project. After college graduation, she served as a policy and communications consultant for several Republican candidates and elected officials in suburban Chicago. She also volunteered for her local GOP organization. After staying home for more than 10 years to raise her two daughters, Julie began teaching cooking classes out of her home. She then started writing about food policy, agriculture, and biotechnology, as well as climate change and other scientific issues. She graduated from Eastern Illinois University in 1990 with a degree in communications and minor degrees in political science and journalism. Julie lives in suburban Chicago with her husband, two daughters, and (unfortunately) three dogs.

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43 responses to “Into the NeverTrump Gulag

  • What are they doing here anyways?? Why are they over here scheming and conniving against us? Weren’t they given their own country to put and end to their hostile agitating against white Christians? So why aren’t the over in Israel with their own kind where they belong?

  • Whoa, those guys are fags!!

  • Outstanding Julie. Just the mocking these pathetic wretches deserve.

  • The problem is that the never-trumpers are going to win the mid terms in an historic landslide. Republicans are going to be shoveled out of office like a front end loaders shovels rubbish into a compactor. It is the twilight of the GOP, who lacked the guts to call BS on the most animalistic and feral excuse for a President we have ever had. Mueller is going to slice up Trump like a radish, so he won’t see the end of 2018 in office. The GOP will never recover from 2018, their armageddon.

    • Eh, it depends if Democrats drop the identity politics crap. If they do that they can win the House bigly, but so far it doesn’t look like it. The constant pattern as of now every time either party takes a step forward they go five steps back. It’s ultimately going to depend on who fucks up less until November. Oh well, we’ll see.

    • I haven’t heard such confidence about winning an election since 2016 when you predicted Hillary would win in a landslide.

      • Well fish boy, I never expected a Hillary landslide, BUT, lets face reality. Trump lost the popular vote by over 3 million. There were just enough brain-dead Neanderthals in America to give him a fluke electoral college victory. It won’t happen again. He is not going to make it to 2020. His days are numbered and the number is low.

      • Are you looking for a wager or just at a loss for intelligent words?

      • I should mention, I have a policy, I only waste three replies on idiots, and you are at your quota. Your next post better be interesting or this dialogue is over and I’ll move on to more engaging opponents and you can find a site for slow 10 year olds. Ball’s in your court; say something snappy.

      • ^^^^^Utterly feminized, beta “male” pansy who votes the straight Democrat party line.

    • hy-per-bo-le:
      NOUN
      Exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

      de-lu-sion:
      NOUN
      An idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.

  • Bill Kristol
    May 2, 2016: “I think he’d be a terrible nominee… Trump will lose the election.”
    Mona Charen
    “Trumps nomination represents the GOP’s “full-on suicide…[Trump] will destroy the party… RIP GOP.” (Aug. 5, 2016)
    Max Boot
    Following Trump’s win in the Indiana primary, Boot wrote “The Republican Party is Dead…. Trump will lose by a landslide.” (LAT, May 8, 2016)
    Bret Stephens
    “a Trump candidacy is an epic GOP disaster that all-but guarantees Hillary Clinton’s election,” (8-8-16)
    5-31-16 BS wants Trump to lose all 50 states, so “Republican voters will forever learn their lesson.”
    8-8-16: “a lot of people have no idea that Trump is headed for a historic defeat. That’s why, I think the larger the defeat, in a sense, the healthier it will be for the Republican Party.”
    Jennifer Rubin, the Washington Post’s “conservative” columnist:
    “[Trump is] “a bigot….erratic… incompetent…a nativist, divisive and xenophobic bully” (6-13-16)
    Trump is heading for “a humiliating defeat” because he’s “seriously unbalanced, amateurish and self-destructive“ (10-11-16)
    Tom Nichols, another Washington Post regular:
    “I’m still a Republican, but [because of Trump] my party needs to be fumigated” (2-12-18)
    These people are losers. And by their own words they’ve shown that they’re also morons.

    • You left off a few, Mueller(R), Rosenstien(R), Comey(R)…..

      • They weren’t mentioned in the article.
        But don’t worry, when the time comes, I’ll quote their past miscues!

    • They’re 100% correct. But no worries, Trump is gone within months.

  • Trump has more Twitter followers than all of them put together and that’s what really smarts.

  • For all intents and purposes the #Nevertrumpers are Democrats.

    And that’s good because now the NeoCons are their problem, not ours.

  • On Trumpism, Mona Charen and Bret Stephens are capital-L Lame. But this, from the pouncing upon the oblique use of the word “Stalinist” in Stephens’ analogy involving the dissident and non-dissident parts of East European intelligentsia, to the mediocre-at-best attempts at humor, is Lamer.
    Stick to the reporting and analysis, Ms. Kelly.

  • Funny stuff but not believable. If Hillary had been at Kristol’s place, there’d be no rose’ left.

  • Julie Kelly, you’re the best…what a wonderful, deep down belly laugh I had while reading your article…The ‘never trumpers’ are so out of the realm of common sense. They are clueless at best and you have exposed them for who they really are…They weren’t always like this. Perhaps something they drank thrown in with a huge amount of pride and arrogance.

  • Do not fearr, the American people have their number. You can mesure the rightness of any Trump pla,decision etc by the decibel level of the whacks opposing it

  • As for the men, am I the only one who suspects the everyone of the was ‘the little boy who always got picked last on the playground but had his hand up first in class’? Buncha twinkies.

  • I think you should include Jeb Bush with the Never Trump leaders. He is the one who gave permission to all the others, with his persistent snobbishness from the primary campaign and through the general election. He is the guy I blame most of all.

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