Author’s note: This article has been prepared in line with the factual standards employed by CNN and Buzzfeed. Any “fake news,” therefore, cannot be present.
President Trump’s first 100 days have come to their end, and good God, have they been eventful. So eventful, in fact, that it’s doubtful Washington will cease having panic attacks about them for the next century. Predictably, numerous tendentious “analysis” pieces by people claiming to be experts on this sort of thing have already landed, and there is no need to litigate them here. Instead, it’s more appropriate that we remind ourselves precisely what we are talking about with a look back at those 100 days, starting with the first few particularly odd ones, and then moving to an analysis of the president’s actions issue-by-issue.
President Trump entered office on January 20 literally under a cloud, as it rained the day he took the oath of office. What has not been reported, however, is that the excess moisture in the atmosphere around Washington was actually produced by the tears of every Republican consultant, neoconservative intellectual, and liberal bureaucrat, which so permeated the air that they entered the atmosphere and rained down on Trump.
align=”left” Incensed, these respective groups descended on Washington wearing pink “Pussy hats,” an item whose name was (amazingly) not stolen from an RNC opposition research document by mistake.
Trump’s inaugural address was suitably dramatic for the occasion, as he had the temerity to suggest that Washington shouldn’t be making and taking so much money at the expense of voters who were hurting from their policies. This horrified all sides of the political establishment, as the Republican elite began protesting on behalf of their God-given right to make money from people’s suffering, while the Democratic elite objected to the idea that they shouldn’t take money from suffering people because, come on, those people might be white men.
Incensed, these respective groups descended on Washington wearing pink “Pussy hats,” an item whose name was (amazingly) not stolen from an RNC opposition research document by mistake.
To the shock of those assembled, the instinct to label oneself a proud metaphorical pussy did not catch on. As such, the media and D.C. elite decided they would have to rely on more sinister means to undermine Trump. Those means quickly revealed themselves in the realm of foreign policy.
The Russians are Coming!
Unable to believe that voters might have rejected a candidate backed by numerous people who might as well have been anthropomorphic personifications of the fallacious Appeal to Authority, the D.C. establishment immediately decided that President Trump was only in power thanks to Russian meddling, and may well be a Russian spy himself. Relentlessly, the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, Buzzfeed, and many others reported on suspected ties between Trump’s administration and Russia, ties that they were only aware of because chain letters forwarded by Susan Rice and Ben Rhodes had bypassed their Spam folders. American Greatness has obtained a copy of this chain letter, and we can exclusively reveal the subject line: “BRITISH SPY REVEALS THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT TRUMP!!! FORWARD TO 10 REPORTERS OR HE WILL PISS ON THE BED IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!”
Unfortunately, most of these outlets figured out too late that the chain letter in question was, in fact, a chain letter, and as such attributed its accusations to “unnamed sources.” Buzzfeed’s editors, however, who had long since lost any sense of quality control after publishing articles with titles like “What Is Your Inner Potato” (yes, that’s real), decided to publish the document contained in the chain letter: a dossier containing “raw intelligence,” which is a fancy sounding term used by cybersex fiends that means, approximately, “unsubstantiated rumors passed along by Kremlin staffers who were, in all likelihood, as high as Louise Mensch on a Friday night.”
Miraculously, the publication of this dossier, which may well go down in history as one of the most transparent smears outside the ones on the Oval Office carpet during Bill Clinton’s presidency, did not cause the entire faulty “Trump is a Russian spy” narrative to vanish in a puff of common sense. In fact, the narrative did manage to claim one victim: erstwhile National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who made the mistake of telling Vice President Mike Pence that the $500,000 he’d received from the Russian government was actually a speaking fee from Goldman Sachs. At least, I assume that’s what Flynn said, since that’s pretty much the only way $500,000 could materialize in a major public official’s bank account without explanation these days.
Leaky Faucets and Buggers
But in the meantime, President Trump raised a concern of his own: how could he conduct foreign policy at all when leaks surrounding his team and decisions were emerging constantly?
And furthermore, just how did all this classified information get into the hands of liberal arts majors without a security clearance or a basic understanding of idiomatic language? Trump’s answer was that he had been improperly surveilled by the Obama administration, or to put it colloquially, that “Obama had my wires tapped.” The accusation was roundly condemned as irresponsible, untrue, and beneath the dignity of the office of the president, until then-House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes confirmed that it was basically true that Trump’s administration had been surveilled.
In response, the press claimed that the surveillance in question was both totally accidental and apolitical and also something the tangerine-skinned bastard in the White House obviously deserved. Meanwhile, Lois Lerner breathed a sigh of relief that she might not, in fact, go down in history as the Obama administration’s Charles W. Colson.
Ultimately, Trump put the rumors of his being a Russian plant to rest by blasting a Syrian airfield with 59 Tomahawk missiles, infuriating Vladimir Putin and causing John McCain to seek hospitalization for an erection lasting longer than four hours. After this demonstration of Trump’s independence from Russia, David Brooks proceeded to assure viewers on the Sunday shows that only in his first 100 days does a president have enough political capital to be accused of treason, and therefore the death of the Russiagate story was a loss for Trump. Meanwhile, Steve Bannon reportedly objected to the Syria strike on the grounds that if Trump was going to launch missiles into Syria, then Elliot Abrams should at least be tied to one, but he was swiftly overruled by Jared Kushner. As a piece de resistance, Trump launched the Syrian strike while having “a beautiful piece of chocolate cake” with Chinese President Xi Jinping, though the latter most likely began wishing for yellow cake after hearing what his American counterpart had done.
align=”right” As a piece de resistance, Trump launched the Syrian strike while having “a beautiful piece of chocolate cake” with Chinese President Xi Jinping, though the latter most likely began wishing for yellow cake after hearing what his American counterpart had done.
Trump then proceeded to drop a weapon literally known as the Mother Of All Bombs on ISIS: a piece of ordnance with a 1-mile blast radius and a $300 million price tag. However, in the case of this particular bomb, the price tag was slightly elevated, since the Defense Department paid both to outfit it with speakers and for royalty payments to Toby Keith so that they could blast “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” at maximum volume while the bomb fell.
From Cannons to Bannons
Finally, Trump polished off his first 100 days by hinting that Steve Bannon might be on the way out, prompting every foreign policy shop in D.C. to begin suddenly treating him as a serious president in hopes that it was true. Having now been established as a serious president by the people who supposedly knew the difference, Trump then threatened to withdraw from NAFTA, a threat that prompted panicked phone calls from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, Mexican President Enrique Nieto, and every bartender concerned about their tequila supplies. Trump was eventually persuaded to “renegotiate” NAFTA rather than try to scrap it entirely, a move which likely left the offices of Mexico and Canada’s leaders smelling like urine for at least a week.
Thus concluded Trump’s foreign policy achievements of his first 100 days. When we return, we’ll have a look at domestic policy, and tackle some of the challenges that Trump will face going forward after his first 100 days. Which, by the way, is totally meaningful and in no way poached from a completely non-comparable FDR-era legislative gimmick. Yeah.