Send All of the Illegals to Martha’s Vineyard 

In an extremely imaginative problem-solving (or problem-highlighting) move, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on Wednesday flew two planeloads of illegal immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard. A Martha’s Vineyard lawmaker tweeted that “our island jumped into action,” and that “these immigrants were met with compassion, not chaos.” In another tweet, however, he accused Republicans of using human lives as “political pawns,” calling it “evil and inhumane.”

But if we take this lawmaker at his word in the first instance, where he sounds excited about welcoming illegally immigrated Mexicans into his community, then I think he may have solved the nation’s immigration problem: We should be sending all our illegal immigrants to Martha’s Vineyard. After all, the busloads that arrived in Washington, D.C. were not welcomed as warmly. So what if we take the Vineyardian’s pro-illegal-immigrant rhetoric at face value? About three-quarters of Vineyard voters went for Biden in 2020, so we’re just honoring their expressed wishes. Let’s make Martha’s Vineyard an open-borders socialist paradise. Oh, the compassion you’ll see! 

Martha’s Vineyard has a median home value of about three times the national average. Obviously, for the sake of equity, we need to get those numbers down. The island doesn’t exactly specialize in low-income accommodations, so it had better start building. They’ll need tower blocks to accommodate their new neighbors.

Martha’s Vineyard is 96 square miles and has a population density of 180 people per square mile. Manhattan is 22 square miles and has a population density of 75,000 people per square mile. So before we reached Manhattan levels of population density, which Martha’s Vineyard should certainly target if it wishes to give adequate representation to impoverished minorities, Martha’s Vineyard could accept an immigrant community of 7 million people! I bet Larry David could put up at least a dozen immigrants in his place. The Obamas should be able to accommodate a hundred or so in their $12 million mansion, and that’s before they start building new low-income housing on their 29-acre lawn. 

Martha’s Vineyardians could finally surrender that “privilege” they’ve worried about for so long. They could ditch their unfortunate inherited status as members of the elite. The whites would have the pleasure of becoming a tiny, essentially irrelevant minority. Martha’s Vineyard could start being pronounced with a hard “T.”  

Of course, this is all a joke. Wealthy Democrats feel about their own property just as every American does: They want to keep what they own for themselves. The difference between the Democrats and the rest of America is what they want to do with everyone else’s property. Most Americans would rather be left in peace to follow their own dreams and desires—you might call that the “pursuit of happiness.” But a Democrat sees everyone else’s property as underused resources that he, in his wisdom, might put to better use. (Underused resources are a crime against “the people,” by which a leftist always means himself.) 

Democrats likewise rely on illegal immigration to provide a permanent underclass—whom they discourage from learning English or other skills that might move them rapidly upwards in American society—because they need cheap, menial labor to keep their houses clean and filled with affordable goods. It’s the closest replacement they could reasonably find for all those slaves they had to give up in the 1860s.  

And, finally, illegal immigrants are the foundation for a new voting class the Democrats hope to construct—also à la slave labor, where slaves could not vote but could contribute (via the three-fifths compromise) to a state’s representation. 

Unsatisfactory. If you want illegal immigration, you have to take it—and everything that goes with it: Every city in the country should offer illegal immigrants free fare to Martha’s Vineyard. In fact, we should start a nationwide nonprofit for getting illegals their tickets. I’d be happy to chip in.

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About Dan Gelernter

Dan Gelernter is a columnist for American Greatness living in Florida.

Photo: Robert Knopes/Universal Images Group via Getty Images

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