Like the Tilt-a-Whirl at the county fair, The Science™ just keeps going ’round and ’round. Instead of being gently pulled up onto the ride by your high school sweetheart on a warm summer’s eve, however, you’re being dragged by the hair, at the hands of a living lawn gargoyle named Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Let’s follow The Science™ from the beginning to make sure we’re all on the same page.
First, it was no masks. Then it was one mask. Then it was two masks. Then it was one mask again. Then it was no masks. Now it’s at least one mask again.
First, it was “15-days to slow the spread.” Then it was de facto indefinite house arrest. Then it was “feel free to leave the house, but only if you wear your mask and follow our arbitrary rules about sitting at the local bar, or standing in line at the dry cleaners.” Then it was “do whatever you want, as long as you’re vaccinated, but if you’re not vaccinated, don’t you dare take off that mask.” Now, it’s “wear the mask even if you’re vaccinated, but thanks for participating in our science experiment.”
First, the vaccine was billed as your Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Golden Ticket back to the Before Times. Then “normalcy” was restored. Now, the vaccine isn’t a Golden Ticket after all. It’s been downgraded to silver. Or maybe bronze. At this rate, it won’t be medaling at all, just like our woke Olympic delegation.
All told, The Science™ now says that unvaccinated people must wear masks and get vaccinated as soon as possible. Except vaccinated people have to wear masks again, too, because these pesky “breakthrough cases” keep popping up.
At the risk of sounding non-scientific, “breakthrough case” strikes me as code for “the vaccine only works sometimes.”
But now there’s a new variant of the COVID virus, they say, though there’s no specific test for it. That variant, called Delta, is particularly contagious according to The Science™, which has not yet decided whether the vaccine that only works sometimes protects against Delta. Cases among the vaccinated might be Delta, or they might just be plain old COVID.
And what about natural immunity if you’ve already recovered from COVID? The Science™ isn’t sure about that, either. You’d better get the vaccine that only works sometimes, just to be safe. Even if it’s not really a vaccine, and instead it’s just a therapeutic, it significantly reduces your risk of hospitalization and death, and your local intensive care unit won’t be overflowing with COVID patients who need ventilators. Never mind that relatively few ICUs overflowed in the first place, even before the vaccine that only works sometimes became available.
And by the way, that vaccine─the one that only works sometimes─is both “safe and effective.” Except when it isn’t “safe” or “effective,” like when it gives you blood clots, or if you catch COVID again after taking the vaccine, because it only works sometimes.
Just remember, you must get the vaccine that only works sometimes, or you risk killing granny, and that’s just selfish. But then again, if you get the vaccine that only works sometimes, you might have the same, or higher chances of killing granny if you contract COVID after receiving it.
And what about herd immunity? The Science™ used to be certain that if two-thirds of the population was vaccinated, we would all be safe from COVID. But now that a full 69 percent of the population has had at least one dose of the vaccine as of this week, forget about that. The Science™ has dropped the idea of herd immunity completely.
Make sense? If not, don’t worry. That’s just how The Science™ works. You wouldn’t get it. You’re not an expert like Rachel Maddow impersonator Chris Hayes, or Dr. Lawn Gargoyle.
The key thing to remember is this: anything bad that happens throughout the course of this pandemic is not the fault of the people in charge. So don’t you go blaming Dr. Lawn Gargoyle, or the CDC, or Chris Cuomo’s brother, Andrew, who filled nursing homes in New York with COVID positive patients, conveniently placing them next to elderly people who are precisely the most likely to succumb to the virus.
When the loathsome likes of Blake Montgomery at publications such as The Daily Beast dunk on you for dying of COVID after speaking out against the vaccine that only works sometimes, remember that your death was caused by your own personal failure. The totally incoherent messaging from America’s institutions of health and media, who failed to win over your trust, bear no responsibility whatsoever.
On the other hand, all of the negative ramifications of this pandemic are the fault of your next-door neighbor who had a Trump sign in his yard during election season. It’s the anti-science Republicans who are to blame for this never-ending nightmare, not the “experts” with the advanced degrees you see on cable news, flip-flopping like a sunfish on a wooden dock. In fact, anything short of worshiping Dr. Lawn Gargoyle and the left-wing talking heads means you’re literally killing people.
The way you can be certain that The Science™ is actually science, and not at all an exercise in political partisanship, is by heeding the advice of MSNBC’s anchors and blaming your conservative neighbors for the ills of the pandemic.
I know what you’re thinking: maybe your conservative neighbors have some rational reasons for not taking the vaccine just yet. Maybe they’re holding out to see if the vaccine, which largely is still only approved for emergency use, is as “safe and effective” as advertised.
You’re wrong. How do you know you’re wrong? Well, because the vaccine only works sometimes. If you’d been following The Science™, you’d know that already.