The New ‘Woke’ Gong Show

Hosted by comedian Chuck Barris, a true game show mastermind, “The Gong Show” was broadcast on NBC daytime from 1976 all the way until 1989, in syndication. As a satirical riff on American talent contests—with some contestants profoundly mediocre, most hilariously awful, others just plain unprofessional—the show was itself a huge hit. It was funny beyond belief—to the point of being plain sad at times. Listen to its theme song to put you in the mood.  

The losers were cut off mid-performance by the striking of an enormous onstage gong. 

It is time to bang that gong again—this time for the woke crowd of utterly ridiculous performances we see all around us. Yank these contestants off stage now. They have “jumped the shark” in Arthur Fonzarelli fashion, and we have reached a point at which far-fetched events are included merely for the sake of novelty, indicative of a decline in quality. Woke has gone nearly broke and is quickly getting old, if not outright absurd. 

Gong them, YEET!

Maxine Waters

The congresswoman from California, after a long career of race-baiting statewide, has finally graduated to the big leagues. Calls for looting and lawlessness in blatant acts against America—actual incitement with real, attributable violence post hoc. Time to expel the police-hater hooligan from office, if not from Congress outright. Censure is insufficient. Yet the Democrats won’t allow even that and will protect her. Courageous Republican candidates should campaign for a majority that can do at least that much, although I have a feeling Maxine was always going to end up on more than one campaign ad anyway. Even Megyn Kelly is with you on this one, RINOs. Don’t fold so easily, lest you also get the gong. 

James Quincey

The British CEO of Woke-a-Cola tells Americans which voting laws he and his global diabetes factory will back. Pull his U.S. Green Card and take his products out of your diet and off the grocery store shelf—for good. He needs to be kicked out of the Chamber of Commerce and take his toxic ideas to a party that openly espouses them instead of attempting to subvert institutions like the dirty little Leninist he’s suddenly become. How do these closet Fabians always come up? Incredible. Imagine the gall of telling a state its laws are bad for business because you’ll pack up and leave and you are business. Who made him and his ilk king of the world? 

Jack Dorsey

The bearded, looney, lefty radical censor and CEO of Twitter who gets to decide what and who we hear. Yank his platform and monopoly away. Bye, bye. You’ll be putting him out of his misery, his staff was always shot through with spooks who long ago usurped his power and dedicated Twitter towards the aims of the war party. Twitter is who we have to thank for the Arab Spring, after all, as well as the subsequent frostiness from former friends like Turkey—whose leader ironically saved himself from his own Air Force by using Facebook Live. Add that failed Obama-ordered coup to Hillary’s multiple fiascoes in Libya (remember the tape? That guy got sent to jail for nothing!). Now Erdogan uses Russian antiaircraft batteries, well done! Permanent mobilization of the Democrats’ literally black-shirted shock troops risks turning Biden into LBJ. Bad for the country. So, gong Twitter now. 

Anthony Fauci

An unelected know-it-all, the highest-paid public servant who wields the entirety of his policy juice against civil liberties; he who funds coronavirus gain of function research through his good friends in China at the Wuhan Institute of Virology. Send him off in retirement to the WHO where he belongs. I’m sure he’d be a passable replacement for Comrade Tedros as well as acceptable to the Chinese. Now that he’s been sainted by the international press he may as well take the show on the road. His role in America won’t be getting any better.

Ilhan Omar

The ISIS favoring, America-hating representative from Minnesota who married her own brother and then divorced him to run off with her white, already married campaign manager. Revoke her falsely gained citizenship and deport her back to her native Somalia. What’s the statute of limitations on citizenship fraud? Where’s an enterprising lawyer when you need one.

Chris Cuomo

Brother of the creepy killer and predator New York governor, Chris has a permanent perch as an uninformed pundit on CNN telling a shrinking viewership it is time to kill suburban white kids. He makes his alma mater Yale University proud. Rescind his college degree for hate speech. Then dismantle the rest of the crooked Cuomo power structure; the mob isn’t what it used to be. 

Bruce Springsteen

The anti-Trump rock and roller does a classic western-inspired advertisement for Jeep only to have it revealed just days later he had been arrested for a DUI. Revoke his driver’s license and tell him to go back to blue New Jersey. His crappy podcast definitely needs a gong.

Jerry Nadler

The fat, bald, midget Congressman from NYC who ran the sh*t show on impeachment now wants to pack the Supreme Court. Someone should primary him. Just seeing him makes you laugh out loud though, and gives all size-challenged people a bad name. 

Alyssa Milano 

A questionable “B” grade movie actress-activist who opens her big mouth on absolutely every topic needs to be shut up and de-platformed. Can’t we just unfriend her permanently and universally and wish her away or ban her face as a public nuisance? This is why we need the gong. 

Liz Cheney

The neocon Republican number three in the House leadership is queen NeverTrumper and against everything America First. The GOP should kick her out since she is going to lose her Wyoming seat soon, anyway. Maybe she could volunteer and go to Afghanistan since she likes war so much. Personally, I’d nominate her to be ambassador to the Libyans in Benghazi. 

Ed Bastian

The Delta Airlines top gun who thinks he is a public policy expert and pontificates on politics more or less full-time, nowadays. Boycott his airline and watch his $15 million-a-year paycheck wither and the stock crash. Cancel my lounge membership until I hear that gong.

Rob Manfred

The head of Major League Baseball, an elitist snob with Ivy League degrees is killing America’s pastime by making race-based decisions following the critical race theories of the far Left. Stop attending and watching his baseball teams. When their numbers fall by half, they will learn a lesson, and they will find a new Commissioner. Back your hometown Little League in the meantime, instead. 

Patrisse Cullors

Self-acclaimed community organizer inspired by the violent Weather Underground, this Marxist founder of Black Lives Matter says that we need to close all prisons, defund the police, and stop the military. Hypocritically, she absconded with millions in new-found shakedown money and yes, as a pseudo-capitalist, bought multimillion-dollar properties, one in exclusive all-white Topanga Canyon. Put her on trial as a total fraud, if not an outright foreign agent in charge of creating domestic strife for the Communist Internationale.

See, America contains within its past the solution to its present problems. “The Gong Show” must come back!



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About Theodore Roosevelt Malloch

Theodore Roosevelt Malloch, scholar-diplomat-strategist, is CEO of the thought leadership firm The Roosevelt Group. He is the author of 18 books, including The Plot to Destroy Trump and, with Felipe J. Cuello, Trump's World: GEO DEUS. He appears regularly in the media, as a keynote speaker, and on television around the world. 

Photo: Greg Gayne/ABC