“JOE BIDEN” reads the screen of Willie Brown’s iPhone, and the former California Assembly speaker and San Francisco mayor, 86, readily takes the call.
“Willie, this is Joe Biden, president-elect of the United States.” There is a pause.
“Don’t you mean president of the United States?” Brown says with a laugh. “You had me worried with that business about running for the ‘U.S. Senate,’ but it worked out.”
“Sure as hell did,” says Biden. “C’mon, man.”
“I loved the way you touted the most inclusive and extensive system of voter fraud in American history. We probably have the best voter fraud here in California, but we try to keep it quiet.”
“It’s all good,” Biden says.
“So what’s on your mind Mr. President?”
“Well, during the campaign a staffer sent me this crazy article called ‘Poontronage.’ I thought it was just right-wing propaganda but turns out you and my VP Kamala were in fact an item back in the day.”
“That’s right,” Brown says. “I set her up in a couple of sinecures. That was the quid and, if I may rely on the benefit of hindsight, she was all-in with the quo.”
Brown laughs. Biden doesn’t get it. After a pause, Brown continues.
“She was so good I backed her campaign for San Francisco district attorney and state attorney general. Just so you know, Joe, she lost that race but our voter fraud system got her in.”
“How did that work?”
“The same SEIU people who ran her campaign in LA counted the ballots harvested after election day. They harvested enough to get Kamala a win by less than one percent. Basically the same process you just used, but on a smaller scale.”
“Listen, Willie,” Biden says. “How old were you when you and Kamala were up close and personal?”
“About 60, and she was about 30.”
“She’s 56 now and looks great,” Biden says. “You think Kamala would get next to a president-elect of 78? That’s a gap of only 22 years to your 30.”
“She’s married now, and so are you. So I don’t think so.”
“C’mon man. These drugs they are giving me work wonders. I’ll show her I can bridge that gap. Right there in the White House, like Bill Clinton and that Megan Lewinsky.”
“Monica Lewinsky.”
“Sorry, I am prone to misaprops. I meant Monica.” Brown waits before responding.
“I helped Nancy Pelosi and Dianne Feinstein with their careers and I could tell you some stories about them, too. Particularly that Nancy.”
“Really? Bring it on man.”
“Some other time, Joe. Right now I’m going to level with you. When Nancy invoked the 25th Amendment she was talking about you, not Trump. You were the front man and as you further deteriorate mentally, the plan is to dump you and put in Kamala. It’s her turn to be on top, so to speak. She’s a young, intersectional woman of color, and I backed her all along over an old white male like you. Quite frankly Joe, I don’t see what you managed to accomplish in 48 years in the Senate.”
“C’mon man.”
“Kamala feels the same way. Don’t you remember how she bashed you during the primaries? You were pals with segregationists. You called young black men predators.”
“Hey, shut up.”
“I’m 86 and twice as lucid as you. At this point, as we say in California, you are two tacos short of a combo plate. Face it Joe. Xi Jinping ain’t no Corn Pop.”
“You are full of shit.”
“Say what? You think I’m some factory worker in Michigan? I am Willie Brown.”
“C’mon man. If you don’t think I’m the best person to be president of the United States then you ain’t black.”
“Yes, I think I heard that Joe.”
“OK, Willie, how about this. If you put in a good word for me with Kamala, I’ll make you ambassador to India.”
“No thanks, Joe,” Brown says. “By the way, where is Hunter?”