Joe Biden: I’m So Old, I Know for a Fact Where I Am Right Now!

Joe Biden: Folks, for the first time in a long time, I actually know what state I am in!  No joke! I know that people make fun of me, because most of the time I can’t remember where I am, or what I am doing there, or even how I got there. Well, let me tell you: this time, I know for an absolute fact that I am in Idaho. I mean, Iowa! Definitely Iowa! Yes, Iowa!

I asked my staff several times just before I came out on this stage, and every one of them told me: “Joe, we are 100 percent certain that we’re in Iowa today!” So that’s good enough for me—I am proud to tell you that I am in Iowa, and if I am in Iowa, that means you are in Iowa too! I give you my word as a Biden on that.  I am serious!

And folks, people keep asking me, who I am gonna pick as my VP. Let me tell you something: I can think of at least eight women, and at least four or five people of color, that I think are totally qualified to be vice president of the United States. Some of those categories overlap, by the way—some of the women are people of color, and some of the people of color are women. That’s how inclusive I want to be. No joke!

I can’t remember their names off the top of my head, but I can definitely recall their color. Names aren’t really important—what’s important is that they are people of color. And the ones who aren’t people of color are women. Wait, am I repeating myself? Maybe I am, but I am trying to make a point here.

Color Me Serious

It’s not just their color or their gender that makes them eligible to be my VP—the important thing is, they are younger than I am, and less likely to kick the bucket.  Obviously, as you all know, it’s not hard to be younger than I am—almost everyone is younger than I am. The fact of the matter is, they have to be capable of being president because I’m an old guy. I am older than almost anyone who has ever run for president, except Bernie Sanders. I am serious!

Find me somebody else who is running for president who is an octogenarian and who might check out any time! Not that I plan to—thank God I’m in great health. I work out. I’m serious! Every morning, I work out by doing pushups, as soon as I take my pills for irregular heartbeat and high cholesterol. I do more pushups in the morning than most people do all day. Most mornings, Jill is still sleeping, and I’m already on the floor of our bedroom, doing pushup after pushup. So knock on wood, as my mother would say, I probably won’t bite the big one any time soon, although you never know what’s gonna happen in the future.

No joke!

And folks, there is one thing that all of us Democrats agree on—it’s been two weeks now, and I still think that Trump’s killing Qassem Soleimani was a huge mistake. This is how world wars get started, and there is nothing that worries me more than another world war. Trump killing Soleimani was like tossing a stick of dynamite into a tinderbox! The Middle East is just ready to explode, thanks to Trump!

And whaddaya know? I was right! The Iranians went and shot down that Ukrainian airliner! Obviously, this is all Trump’s fault. When I was Barack’s vice president, the Iranians never shot down any airliners, because they knew that shooting down a Ukrainian airliner was a red line for Barack. And let me tell you, when Barack drew a red line, he really meant it, too.

And this is why I opposed the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. Well, I was against it publicly in private, but I was for it privately in public, before I was against it, and this way I was both for it and against it, but later I was all for it, once the whole operation went off without a hitch, and Obama got a huge public relations boost from it.

And did I mention that I was the vice president during the Biden-Obama Administration? I can’t remember if I mentioned this already, but I make it a point to mention it during every one of my speeches. A lot of people don’t know that I was Barack’s vice president, so it is important for me to remind everyone that, yes, I was indeed the vice president during those glory days.

Color Him Patriotic

So anyway, back to Soleimani. Soleimani was a true Iranian patriot. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe he had a few issues, but he was a revered military figure who was also an austere religious scholar, and I have a lot of respect for austere religious scholars. Well, had respect, now that Soleimani got smoked by Trump I can’t exactly say I still have it.  I even met his representatives in the White House, back when he was alive. I mean, they never said they directly represented him, they were just run-of-the-mill Islamic terrorists that we were giving money to, so they could build a representative, tolerant, democratic society in Iran.  I mean, in Iraq. Er . . . I mean, in one of those countries, I always confuse the two . . .

What I am trying to say is, they were just like diplomats, only without the proper credentials, so it was natural for me to meet with them in the White House, because I was the main foreign policy expert in the Biden-Obama Administration, and we always welcomed austere religious scholars to the White House.  Building bridges to other cultures is what foreign policy is all about, and you can be sure that when I am president, we’ll build even more bridges.

By the way, I did mention that Barack and I both worked on the foreign policy issues, right? Barack didn’t know much about foreign policy when he got elected, but I was chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which obviously made me the expert. That’s why Barack always deferred to me on all foreign policy and defense issues—because I was so smart and knowledgeable.

Honest!

Foreign policy is actually one of my strong suits. When I was a law student, somebody showed me a map of South America. Until then, I never even knew that there was another America, down there in the south. How many people here know that there is actually a North America and a South America? Oh . . . really?  You all knew that?

Well, anyway, so I took that map of South America with me everywhere, studying it for clues that I would use in my future position as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. And when I became Barack’s vice president, he relied on me to know where those South American countries were. No joke!

Color Me Seriously Serious

So when things started happening in Venezuela, I told him—Venezuela is, like, right next to Bolivia.  I’ve got friends from Bolivia, and I’ve got friends from Venezuela, and they are right next to each other.  A lot of people don’t know where Bolivia is. For that matter, a lot of people don’t know where Venezuela is. In fact, they share a long border. The fact that I could tell Barack where they are both located—on the northeastern coast of South America—is the reason I was put in charge of foreign policy in the Biden-Obama Administration.

I am serious!

And folks, enough about foreign policy. Let me tell you something about Obamacare. I supported Obamacare 123 percent. The best thing about Obamacare is all the promises that we made, that we never intended to keep.  And the reason we could do that is that I have faith in the American people. If you’ve worked and given up significant portions of your salary over the last 75 years to get a healthcare plan you like, then, in fact, you should not be forced to give it up. That’s the promise that we made.

And that’s why, when all those employers started dropping those plans, we told everyone that it wasn’t a problem at all, because all of you could now buy into Obamacare. That was the idea to begin with, and I am proud to tell you that I was the one who came up with that idea. Most of the good ideas during the Biden-Obama years were mine, in fact, but this one I am particularly proud of.

No joke!

Now, some of you are saying that your insurance costs doubled and tripled after Obamacare got passed. Folks, there is a reason for that. There was a whole bunch of people who refused to participate in Obamacare. Many young people literally didn’t want to take part in it, and that’s why premiums went up so much. But the whole idea was that everyone would participate whether they wanted to or not, and that’s why we made it so damn complicated that nobody could understand what was in it. Even I couldn’t understand what was in it, and I was the Biden-Obama Administration point man on Obamacare.

I am serious!

So what I did was this: I added a public option to the existence of Obamacare, meaning that a Medicare-like option is available if in fact you negotiated a health care plan with your employer that you like and you don’t want to have to give up like Medicare for All requires.

Er . . . what I mean is, by adding a public option which wasn’t actually available to anybody, you could now negotiate with your health plan when you didn’t want to give up a negotiated health care solution to reduce the costs, because under the plan we had those exchanges that were intended to reduce those premiums, even though the costs doubled and tripled, but that was OK.  That was the plan, even though nobody understood the plan, including me.

No joke!

What I am saying is this: under my plan, you will have to give up your plan eventually . . . just not now . . . because I still have to get elected first. The fact of the matter is, I am against private insurance, but I am also for it. And, in fact, even though costs have tripled for many people, the way I do the math, costs have gone down, and that’s the God’s honest truth. If you take the tripling of the insurance costs under Obamacare and compare it to the quadrupling of the costs that might have happened without Obamacare, then you can literally see how you are paying less now, thanks to Obamacare.

Folks, we raised a lot of money in the last quarter, but not as much as Bernie. Even Mayor Pete raised more. So I need to squeeze you all for some more money. So take out your phone, and go to . . . go to . . . on your phone, I want you to take your phone and go to . . . I want each and every one of you to use your phone to . . . . Everyone, please take out your phone and type . . . type . . . does everyone have a phone? Good . . . So make sure your phone is on, otherwise, you can’t send me money, it just won’t work. Everybody, go to BIDEN-DOT-COM, and make a donation to my campaign.

Thank you, folks!

About George S. Bardmesser

George S. Bardmesser is an attorney in private practice in the Washington, DC area. He is a contributor to The Federalist and American Greatness, and is sometimes heard on the "Inside Track" radio show on KVOI in Tucson, Arizona and sometimes seen discussing politics (in Russian) on New York’s American-Russian TV channel RTVi.

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