By |2019-01-12T17:30:05-07:00January 12th, 2019|
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A suggestion: Until Jeff Bezos develops a conscience, he should rent one. Until Amazon improves Alexa, its voice-activated virtual assistant, so as to make this thing—this plastic speaker with a light ring and a cloth exterior—sound more intelligent than artificial, Bezos should find a real-life Alexa. Perhaps he should hire Disney to create a 3/4-inch tall version of Jiminy Cricket, a 1:90 scale model to Bezos’s eighth dwarf, Greedy (or Seedy), where, 10 to 20 minutes after Bezos’s first hit of acid, our green friend—in a red vest, blue pants, yellow spats, and a jacket with tails—starts to talk. He may have to lie when he says, to Bezos, “You are a human animal. You are a very special breed.”

He should lie, to increase the odds that Bezos may act like a human being.

That Bezos “allegedly” texted his mistress a picture of his member—that he has one—is a triumph of 3D printing, because it suggests there is a man (sort of) behind the machine.

It more than suggests that this purported genius, who graduated Phi Beta Kappa with degrees in electrical engineering and computer science from Princeton, is a moron. It proves that, given the choice between improving his Dickensian warehouses and inflating his . . . well . . . you know; given the choice between making his workers happy and photographing Mr. Happy, a.k.a. the ninth dwarf, Paltry, Bezos favors indecent exposure over decency itself.

It proves that Bezos is, indeed, a dick.

Photo credit: Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for WIRED25