The following is an illustration of what a Leftist utopia might look like if Republicans don’t wake up and take back the White House in 2024.
Introduction and Welcome
We are excited and proud to announce the grand opening of the world’s first woke amusement park, appropriately named Cloud Cuckoo Land. We firmly believe that Aristophanes appropriated this phrase from the Ancient Egyptians without proper attribution.
This is a park unlike any other as you will see as you read on. It is a place not just of dreams but of creation and growth. The purpose of our park — your park — is for guests to become their best selves, to enable them to spend a day or a few days in an environment free from negativity and impurity and to both imagine and create a better world all while having guilt-free fun.
So without further ado, here is our charter starting with logistics.
Location
Detroit has about 19 square miles of vacant land, proving once again that standard capitalist economic models of value are corrupt and invalid. Our Park sits on five mostly contiguous square miles. Visitors will be transported from attraction to attraction in armored electric vehicles.
Pricing
Above all else we firmly believe in equity. Therefore each guest’s entrance fee and associated activity fees will be based on their own personal intersectional status. We are proud to follow the International Intersectional Industry’s (III) guidance.
Prior to entry to the Park visitors determine their status in the III hierarchy and assign themselves to the proper group. If Park staff identify clear misclassification and guests are unable to provide convincing documentation they will gently but forcefully coerce the visitor to reconsider. Be advised that the armed guards that are ubiquitous in the park and particularly at the ticket booths are present only to mock the Fascists in Red States such as Florida.
It is unfortunate and we apologize, but your classification for entry is based upon the identity assigned, however erroneously, at birth.
In order to lower the costs to the oppressed we adhere to the Biden Administration’s approach to cost suppression. As you no doubt know, this approach reduces inflationary pressure quickly and effectively. It does not rely on the old fashioned method of actually reducing costs via reduced regulation and tax breaks that will encourage technological advancement. Like the Administration we will achieve our pricing goals by lowering the costs for the deserving by increasing the costs for everyone else. We will let the undeserving pay for the worthy.
What good is the tyranny of the majority if you are not tyrannical, right?
We Want You To Be Yourself!
At our theme park we know that your gender is not known at birth so of course it was presumptuous for a medical doctor to have told your “mother” your “sex.”
After you enter the park you will be what you want — woman, man, neither—it is entirely up to you. If you’re still undecided, not to worry, our pseudo plastic surgery and makeup experts will enable you to determine your true self. If you choose our seven day stay you can sample seven of the most popular genders. For a few dollars more you can also visit our trans-species pavilions and become one of several mammalian and reptilian species. We anticipate that our amphibian option will be ready in late 2024 and our piscine pavilion will likely be ready by mid-2025!
However we recommend that our guests postpone the non-human options until their second or third visits unless they have had prior experience with transitions.
Food Services
The food we serve will be memorable. There will be no McDonalds burgers and fries here.
Our menu is primarily plant and insect based. Please note that meat based products will be available in limited and obscure locations (not mapped) but that because the meat is imported from India and not produced in the U.S. we will still be doing our part to lower the planet’s temperature.
Please don’t believe the rumors that special patrons will be able to purchase American made burgers and steaks. That is simply not true.
Smoking Policy
Of course the Park will be a no-tobacco area.
Cannabis products will be on sale at all food kiosks and patrons are encouraged to bring their own for lighting up or chowing down.
Sustainability
All rides and facilities are powered by the wind and the sun. We are planning to install battery backup however we will need about 20 highly profitable years before we will be able to provide this.
Our guests will never have to spend more than four hours stranded on a stalled Ferris Wheel and will be able to walk out of most other rides when the power fades using phone based flashlights (except in the No-Go-Zone described below).
Queueing
Intersectionality hierarchies are the primary component of the Park’s queuing protocol. The least victimized guests will be asked to wait patiently as our victimized guests take their places ahead of them. This may cause some slight inconvenience for those that are paying more and will have reduced access to the Park’s perks. The upside is that time spent waiting will be time spent feeling noble, proud and generous for doing so much good while concurrently atoning for the sins of ancestors. All in all, it is a win for everyone!
Getting There
We strongly encourage our guests to visit the park using bicycles, e-bikes and electric cars, but the preferred method is of course our provided bus service. The bus runs every three hours, rarely breaks down, at least one of the ceiling fans is guaranteed to work most of the time and they are cleaned weekly. The bus has multiple pick-up locations throughout the city.
Personal vehicles must remain unlocked and if upon leaving you find that your vehicle is not where you left it, simply take another one. Change is good.
The Rides and Exhibits
Mostly Peaceful Protests — Participate in the storming of police stations, luxury goods retailers and pro-life counseling clinics. Each visitor is granted passes to assault one police officer and one conservative civilian per day. Although the targets are robots, the thrill is real! Visitors are offered a choice of signs at the entrance to enable each one to express their moral rectitude by attacking Capitalism, Israel, Republicans, the Police, the “Founding Fathers,” and America.
Note this list will change over time as new yet to be deemed racist or bigoted targets are identified.
Transsexual Athletic Competition — If you choose to transition to “female” (See Be Yourself) you can enter swimming and running competitions against people that purport to have been born women and we guarantee that you will win! For a few dollars more you will get to see the “women assigned at birth” cry following their losses. Think about how much fun that will be!
Drag Queen Story Hour — Lead a reading group for five year olds as a drag queen in a public library. Choose from among twenty (20) graphic books extolling sex with children. However keep in mind that only reading and talking will be permitted. You may schedule hookups afterwards but these must be conducted outside of the park. This rule is strictly enforced!
Green Utopia — Plan your own green future but more importantly plan the future for your neighbors using our virtual reality simulation rooms. Decide which appliances, foods, clothes, recreational activities, films, books and music to ban! With no engineering experience needed you will be able to convert complex energy systems from fossil fuel based to wind, solar and magic powered. You will be permitted to starve and freeze up to 2 million virtual people per visit.
Relish the thought that when implemented your plans will impoverish Americans and empower the Chinese. Be sure to express your gratitude for the migratory birds and whales that willingly sacrifice themselves for the good of the Planet like windmill loving suicide bombers.
Enlightened (“Smart”) Diplomacy — Role play with robotic Chinese Communists, Iranian and Palestinian Islamists, and Venezuelan and Cuban Socialists to prove that peace is achievable in our time by politely, repeatedly, expeditiously, loudly and fervently expressing weakness and remorse for how your “country” has been ravaging the globe and its inhabitants since 1619. The non-U.S. based option that we offer enables visitors to create peace in the Middle East by requiring Israel to unilaterally disarm while enabling Iran to develop a nuclear weapon.
History trail ride — Ride our solar powered railroad (when the sun shines) and visit famous and meaningful historic events. These include the bombing of Fraunces Tavern, the bombing of the House of Representatives, the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention riots, the Portland and Seattle occupations, Occupy Wall Street, George Floyd Riots and others. At select locations you will be invited to disembark and light your own bonfires, shoot robotic police officers, overturn police cars, break into police stations and spray paint synagogues.
Hall of Leftist Heroes — Thrill to our robotic recreations of major liberators such as Stalin, Lenin, Mao, Pol Pot, the Kim family and the minor but still estimable Mumia, Che Guevara, Assata Shakur and of course Angela Davis. Each robot is programmed to deliver three hour speeches. If you are short on time, you have the option to use our speech-speed-control device that turns a typical three hour speech into a 30 second blot of sound. Be assured that this does not reduce the profundity of the speeches.
Mayor for a Term — In this very special attraction you will be able to convert once livable cities into socialist paradises that will be grimy, gritty, and “real” and most importantly devoid of the middle-class and wealthy. Your simulation will allocate four virtual years to achieve perfection.
The options are many. For example, you will be able to diminish the police force and empty the prisons. You could consider eliminating penalties for shoplifting, charging store proprietors with crimes if they attempt to prevent theft and providing free spray paint to disadvantaged youth enabling them to express their artistic selves.
In addition if you choose to focus on ensuring that young people are properly “educated,” you could consider replacing traditional and classical education in the schools with graphic novels that were written after 1996, instituting whole language reading to replace phonics, and of course replacing racist math that has “expected answers” with anti-racist math with “as you like it” answers.
For those of you that like herstory, your simulation can send children to daily protests, encourage “personal truths,” engage in group U.S. flag burning sessions and have teachers read the Communist Manifesto to kindergarten students during rest time.
If for fun you wish to test the conservative hypothesis that students learn better when confronted with new ideas, are forced to learn the rules of mathematics and “facts” of history and are required to read classic literature, you will be able to do that, if for no other reason then to laugh at the expected failure.
The only rule that we strictly enforce is that during the simulations, the well behaved students must be disciplined while those that “act out,” (being themselves) must not be punished.
International pavilions — The Cloud Cuckoo Land Park Management strongly believes that U.S. nationalism should be discouraged. We intend to diminish pride in the U.S by highlighting other cultures. To this end we have an International Pavilion with two exhibits.
Authentic No-Go-Zone — This is modeled after the famous French locales. You will see real Islamists that entered the U.S. via the secure (ahem) southern border. They go about their daily business doing what Islamists do such as hunting for infidels, burning cars, painstakingly manufacturing suicide vests, and hurling infidels and gays off of rooftops.
The Museum of Islamist Accomplishments contains names of martyrs, shows the improvement of suicide vest technology over the years and showcases advanced rocketry using pipes designated for public water and sanitation improvement. It also includes multi-media presentations of successful suicide attacks on buses, in pizza parlors and in mosques.
You will be able to contrast these advanced accomplishments with the artifacts contained in the Museum of the Apes and Pigs which contains Israeli “inventions” which should of course be boycotted. These include cell phones, computer microprocessors, drip irrigation, VoIP, USB drives, Waze and other items beloved by the infidel.
Please note that this is a realistic pavilion. Entry is at your own risk and you must sign a waiver prior to entry. We advise that you place all rainbow colored objects and clothing items in the provided lockers prior to entry. Also singing and playing of music is strongly discouraged during your visit as it may lead to death.
Mexican Cartel Town — Modeled after various Mexican towns and populated with real-life gang members, you will be have the opportunity to witness mass shootings, gang rapes, sex trafficking, and the sophisticated art of fentanyl packaging and distribution. This pavilion also requires that you sign a waiver prior to entry.
Standard rides — In a nod to stodginess we will also have “traditional” rides such as Ferris Wheels and Bumper Cars to be used ironically.
Come often, tell your friends and enjoy your stay!