The Trump Administration’s Fantastic Voyage

“A scientist is nearly assassinated. In order to save him, a submarine is shrunken to microscopic size and injected into his bloodstream with a small crew. Problems arise almost as soon as they enter the bloodstream.”

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“I mean, 1,000 days with Trump as president and we still have an entire industry mobilized by an offhand comment,” Gutfeld said, later adding “How can any adult believe seriously believe that he was saying, ‘Hey, people should inject Clorox into their body’?”

—Greg Gutfeld, “The Five

I was lying in bed in our apartment in Budapest with a sprained ankle watching the White House COVID-19 daily presser, when I heard President Trump’s “out of the box” commentary.

“Light” . . .  “disinfectant” . . . “inserted somehow into the body . . . ,”

“Noooo!,” I wailed and I heard far away the gnashing of my own teeth. I knew the barometric pressure had dropped once again and a media storm was in the forecast.

Dammit, Mr. President, Sir! Do a quick intro of the players, flash that winsome smile, back out of the spotlight and let the vice president do his “Cool Hand Pence” routine. The temperature drops 10 percent when Pence takes the podium. Save your firepower for another environment.

To be honest, I did not think Trump was being sarcastic, as he later said. I thought he was imagining some sort of molecular nanotechnology, where we could take a bit of disinfectant agent, disguise it as a cell, insert it into the body for unassuming viruses to latch on to and violà! Dead virus! Or, we could create some sort of “attack critter” to create a frontal assault on the viruses with a burst of UV light! Dead virus! Or . . . the mind boggled with as many scenarios as we’re being told there are universes.

By way of explanation, I’d grown up with the Moonshot, Star Trek, Asimov. I’ve lived to see analog replaced by digital. I’ve seen devices like those used by Leonard “Bones” McCoy, the doctor on “Star Trek,” to check one’s temperature later used to check my own! Or the technology Geordi La Forge used to create atmosphere in his quarter, by voicing a command for a certain selection of music (“Computer, play Beethoven’s Opus 27 number 2!”) become a reality à la Alexa. I’ve gone from the manual typewriter to this beautiful laptop I am typing on, with nary a bottle of “Liquid Paper” in sight.

In short, I’ve seen sci-fi become wifi. In other words, I have witnessed in my half-lifetime, ubiquitous technologies my grandparents would never have foreseen.

Also, in my youth, I’d seen the movie “Fantastic Voyage,” a 1966 thriller with Raquel Welch and others, who are part of a scientific team, shrunken along with their submarine and injected into the body of a scientist in order to blast the life-threatening blood clot in his brain! And hasn’t the ascendancy and presidency of Trump been nothing less than a Fantastic Voyage?

An unlikely presidency, inserted into the bloodstream of the ruling class to attack the Swamp, which threatens the health of the host—America! Composed of President Trump and his team of insurgents, which are the supporting actors standing loyally by our intrepid hero’s side. Men like Ross, Lighthizer, Kudlow, and Navarro.

They confront a host of bad actors from the alphabet agencies, complete with spies, known by their sanitized term, CHS or “confidential human source” . . . or spies!

Their confederates? Sinister foreigners, flashing onto the screen in the world’s capitals: “London,”Rome,” “Cyprus,” as the news unfolds, alerting us to the locales where the enemy agents lie in wait for our own “innocents abroad” Carter Page and George Papadopoulos. And there’s the added bonus of a guest star, playing not just any old shady professor, but a Maltese shady professor!

You want more? The rugged three-star General Flynn, (as in “Our Man Flynn”), taken out of action by the leaked phone call with a Russian ambassador, forced to plead guilty in order to protect his son, when they released the “Van Gracken” against him.

There’s the Mata Hari journalist who’s the suspected paramour of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee Director of Security (ha!) and receives secret documents, all determined to throttle the invasion, even going so far as to send in the head of the FBI, the hapless James Comey, who’ll do anything to hang on to his private plane (can you blame him?—flying coach for a near seven-footer is cruel and unusual punishment).

On and on the plot line goes, featuring leaked emails from the investigators Peter Strzok and Lisa Page. Were they lovers or were they intertwined by their passionate opposition to one man?

And throughout, a real Raquel by his side in the person of knockout First Lady Melania, who seems to take all that they throw at her with aplomb. I can just see her in the same getup Raquel wore in the movie, super blaster in hand. Not to mention the family sons, Donald Jr., Eric, Barron, daughter Ivanka, and son-in-law Jared. What an epic battle we have witnessed, day after day as the slugfest between President Trump and the Big Media-DNC-NeverTrump-Swamp Complex try their best to upend him.

But going back to the science, I’ve learned that if we put our Western minds to any problem, combined with enough moolah and institutional muscle, we can achieve just about anything. In our culture, unlike some others, we have the luxury to fail, and to try again. They don’t call it WD-40 for nothing. Haven’t we decoded DNA? Aren’t we studying things at the subatomic level? Don’t we have molecular nanotechnology?

I’ve also learned that there is a new law in physics. Forget quantum theory. String theory is so pre-COVID-19. We now have entered the realm of the Trump Boomerang Theorem, whereby an action to take out our leading man, President Trump, turns around and blasts the opponent! Not quite with gamma rays, but a metaphorical blast of something equally as nullifying.

Remember the “Access Hollywood” tape? What about Stormy Daniels? The sex-slurs guaranteed to derail Trump? Yea, me neither. Too much has happened since our Fantastic Voyage began, but I do seem to recall Clinton’s aide de camp’s husband Anthony Weiner and his penis pics (a Dickensian-worthy name if ever I heard one and really, no pun intended).

Or what about #MeToo and the blitzkrieg to kill the Kavanaugh nomination, the idea being to paint the whole administration with a misogynisitic taint? What happened next? A fellow named Epstein who was the child-lovin’ friend to Democrats, large and small—who didn’t kill himself—gets taken down; Harvey Weinstein, the best friend and Big Hollywood mega-donor to Democrats, gets arrested and convicted of sexual harassment and sexual assault.

Then there were the cameo appearances by self-righteous media types like Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose . . . really so, so many. There must be dozens left laying on the cutting room floor. Ka-Boomerang! Will Joe Biden be next?

The trade war with China that our supposedly reckless hero was fomenting, instead resulted in a great trade deal with China and along with USMCA, and numerous bilateral agreements along the way with Japan, South Korea, and India that made it all possible. Ka-Boomerang!

The real war with North Korea that turned into a little pissant show on cable where Kim lobs missiles from time to time, but wise-to-the-act Trump isn’t blackmailed into bailing him out or buying him off. Ka-Boomerang!

The energy independence that allows us to ignore threats from Iran to the Strait of Hormuz? Ka—you get the picture.

And most recently, the snarky governor who, having depleted his own stockpile of medical equipment in years past without replenishing, railed against our hero for not being able to meet the inflated challenge of his hysterically vented needs? Followed by the reveal that he had thousands of ventilators in stock, along with more on the way, such that he then turned the excess over to other states; a military hospital ship and an emergency hospital erected in record time in the Javits Center, all underutilized for the overwhelming that never whelmed in the state of New York? Make that a double, please.

For those who doubt the power of the Trump Boomerang Theorem, let me point to a recent story. No sooner had the words been out of the president’s mouth about putting the light inside the body and the lampooning from the usual suspects had begun, when, from an august research facility at Columbia University, a new technology was reported:

The technology, developed by Columbia University’s Center for Radiological Research, uses lamps that emit continuous, low doses of a particular wavelength of ultraviolent light, known as far-UVC, which can kill viruses and bacteria without harming human skin, eyes and other tissues, as is the problem with conventional UV light.

They even used the right language:

A technique that zaps airborne viruses with a narrow-wavelength band of UV light shows promise for curtailing the person-to-person spread of COVID-19 in indoor public places.

ZAP! POW!! KA-BOOM!!!

OK, it’s not exactly in the body, but the day is young. Believe the science!! Speaking of which, I can hardly wait for the BCMAD rollout by the Department of Homeland Security Super Stealthy Research Facility in conjunction with Space Force. That’s government acronym lingo for, The Bleach Commando Molecular Attack Force,of course. I can’t wait to see the uniforms!

Photo: Erin Schaff-Pool/Getty Images/Getty Images

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