Coming Soon to a Starbucks Near You!

Reacting to the latest racial controversy in Philadelphia, Starbucks will be providing racial-bias training to all its employees next month.

Wanting to prove that they are nothing but one big, diverse and inclusive family, Starbucks management is instituting new policies relating to their facilities, and to their product offerings.

Here’s a partial list of changes coming soon to a Starbucks near you:

Products:

  • Starbucks will now offer white coffee beans to people of color, understanding that the grinding of brown or black beans is a clear reminder of the crushing and devastating effects of slavery.
  • Starbucks will no longer describe drinks as Latte or Macchiato, admitting that they are guilty of cultural appropriation. Starbucks will still offer these drinks, but customers will have to point to photographs on the wall when they place an order.
  • Starbucks will rename its newly released Blonde Espresso, realizing that the word “Blonde” is discriminatory and shames minority women. The product will retain its gold coloring but will be called Solar Cappuccino, a more inclusive, uplifting, and environmentally-friendly term.

Bathrooms:

  • All toilets and sinks will now be the color black, ending years of racial insensitivity. The company understands that the old fixtures are symbols of white privilege, and create needless anxiety for many Starbucks patrons.
  • New toilets seats will be installed that do not permit the seat to be raised. Women will not have to confront the threatening and humiliating ordeal of a raised toilet seat. Insensitive, sexist males will no longer be able to leave behind a degrading symbol of male dominance.
  • Water dispensed from the sink will be heat-neutral, understanding that heat is not binary, and need not be just “Hot” and “Cold.”

Starbucks assures the public that they will continue to make changes as warranted. And that’s to be expected from a company that proclaims:

“It is our vision that together we will elevate our partners, customers, suppliers, and neighbors to create positive change.”

Now that’s change we can all believe in!

About Steve Lipman

Steve Lipman is a writer in Los Angeles whose irreverent approach to the serious issues of the day goes where angels fear to tread.

Want news updates?

Sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date.