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Elections

Jim Acosta Interviews Joe Biden, I’m Serious!

An interview of former Vice President Joe Biden by CNN’s Chief White House Correspondent Jim Acosta on June 27, 2020.

JIM ACOSTA: Mr. Vice President, thank you for sitting down with us for this interview.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: It is my pleasure, John. I am always glad to help CNN get the truth out there.

JA: It’s Jim, actually. Mr. Vice President, I’d like to begin by saying that many people consider you the most effective vice president in the history of the United States. Can you tell us why you think that is?

JB: Well, Jerry, you know, I believe that part of the reason for my incredible effectiveness is that under President . . . the . . . President . . . under the president at the time, we got to accomplish a great many things. We did things . . . um . . . yeah . . . things that nobody even thought were possible. We worked together with Congress to pass legislation . . . many voted for it . . . I voted for it too . . . Actually, no, I couldn’t vote for it, because I wasn’t in the Senate anymore . . . but it was . . . that one . . . laws that mattered to the American people. To real people! We also worked with the House and the Senate, and not just with Congress, to try to reach a bipartisan consensus on a number of issues. 

JA: Mr. Vice President, you called me Jerry, but my name is Jim. But that’s not important right now. What would you say was your key accomplishment during your time as vice president?

JB: Well, Jared, I would say that the key accomplishment would be . . . er . . . Let me get back to that in a minute, but first, let me just say that I think it is terrific that you are now deployed at the White House. I watch you all the time, and I think you are a fabulous reporter. When you stand outside the White House and do your thing about the Trump Administration, I am sure many Americans find it inspiring.

JA: My name is actually Jim, but never mind that. Thank you, Mr. Vice President, for your kind words. 

JB: No, thank you, Jeremy, for the invaluable work that you’re doing, keeping the current president on his toes.

JA: And, Mr. Vice President, what can you tell us about being tough on China?

JB: Why, Joseph, I am glad you asked! Donald Trump absolutely needs to get tough on China! And we need a vice president who will put the country first! I mean, president, not vice president! I will be the toughest president on China ever! I know China like the back of my hand, I’ve been there once. Maybe even twice, I can’t remember now. And my son also knows China, he’s done business with the Chinese. So my family knows better than anyone how to be tough on China! I am serious!

JA: Mr. Vice President, there has been recent news from Ukraine, where Ukraine says that you are probably not involved in the latest bribery scandal involving Burisma Holdings. What can you tell us about that?

JB: Er . . . Umm . . . Ukraine? What..? . . . Ahh . . . Did you say “Ukraine”?

JA: Yes, Ukraine. Not that we at CNN have any doubts about your impeccable ethics, but do you wish to take this opportunity to confirm that you were not, in fact, involved in the latest Burisma corruption scandal in Ukraine?

JB: Ukraine? Did you just ask me about Ukraine, Jeff?

JA: Right. Ukraine. And my name actually is . . . never mind, Mr. Vice President. You were saying, about Ukraine?

JB: Look, Jamie, here’s the deal. I have never had anything to do with Ukraine. Period. Never. It never happened. I don’t even remember meeting her, and I am pretty sure that if she worked for me all those years ago, I would never . . . ahh . . . do what she said I did. And just for the record, I already apologized for those things. I mean, before, I apologized for things before. But if I made her uncomfortable, it was never my intention.

JA: Mr. Vice President, that certainly sounds pretty definitive. Let’s see Trump try and argue with that! Now, turning to the other news, how can you reassure the American people that you are the best post-COVID-19 choice?

JB: Well, Jack, that’s kind of a presumpt[ious] thing for me to say, for me to answer. I . . . Ahh . . . Er . . . Umm . . . we went through, our administration, uh . . . You know, that other virus, the H1N1 virus from Argentina. We also dealt with the whole pandemic that was in Africa. Kept it under control by, you know, doing what I urged the president to do months ago and he’s doing now, getting the U.S. military in building hospitals. 

JA: Mr. Vice President, what would you do differently, if you were president today?

JB: Jason, it is important to remember that we face the battle for the, you know, the soul of our nation. I, you know, but I think that, you know—I think if there’s an election, if there was an election, if people—depending how many show up for the election, I think I might have done well, and maybe do well in the future, but who knows . . . 

JA: Right, but what specifically would you do differently?

JB: Um, you know, Justin, there’s a . . . uh . . . yes . . . during World War . . . II, uh, you know, where Roosevelt came up with a thing that uh, you know, was totally different than a . . . than the, the, it’s called, he’s called it a . . . you know, the World War II, he had the World, the War Production Board.

JA: So what you’re saying is that we need to invoke the Defense Production Act?

JB: Exactly! Jesse, you took the words right out of my mouth! And . . . ahh . . . the sooner we do it, the better!

JA: Mr. Vice President, my name is . . . forget it. Can you be more specific about what you would do with the Defense Production Act, if you were president?

JB: Well, Jamal, we would definitely use it to make more supplies. This virus, the . . . virus, it’s very . . . viral, as you know. It’s gone completely viral. And we need to utilize all our capacity to deal with it. It’s because it is so . . . umm . . . dangerous, that it is critical that we use the DPA to handle it. 

JA: I see.

JB: And let me be clear about something. Donald Trump is literally—literally!—failing at taking charge of the cor . . . cor . . . the virus pandemic. We still don’t have enough masks. And gloves. Many Americans have to go out, and wear only the mask they had at home. People tell me there are even shortages of toilet paper. Imagine that! These past few months, you know, I myself have had to economize, and use 6 squares, instead of my usual 9! It’s outrageous that the president hasn’t addressed the toilet paper issue, despite having all the time in the world to do so. No joke!

JA: Mr. Vice President, you’re certainly right to be angry. Now, can you talk to us about the “Defund the Police” issue?

JB: Jordan, I am glad you brought that up. I have been clear from day one, when I was elected to the Senate, that we need a police that is funded with honorableness and dignitiness. Wait, is that a real word? Hmm . . . Ahh . . . I mean, dignity. Yes . . . Dignity. The “Defund the Police” movement is long overdue, and that is why I support the principles behind the movement, but . . . ahh . . . er . . . I don’t fully support the methods. And I don’t quite agree with its objectives, either. Ahh . . . What I am trying to say is that while we have police that do those things, we need more of those other things from our police, not the first things, but the second things. Our men and women in blue, and . . . er . . . and any transgendered individuals in blue . . . deserve our support, while we defund them so that we can fund them better. 

JA: Mr. Vice President, do you have any specific reforms in mind for the police?

JB: Absolutely, Jeb. I definitely have some ideas . . . I think . . . I think . . . it is critical that the police, when they shoot somebody, they shoot them in the leg. Preferably the right leg—not the left leg. Many deaths could be avoided if we teach our policemen to shoot suspects in their right leg. They should always aim for the right leg.

JA: You’ve said that this is a battle for the soul of the nation. What do you mean by that?

JB: Juan, I’ve said that from the outset of this election—that we are in a battle for the soul of this nation. 

JA: Yes, but what exactly does that mean, to you?

JB: Jake, it is about who we are. And we are . . . er . . . we are . . . Americans! We’re definitely Americans! We’re good people, except, of course, for those 15 or 30 percent who aren’t good people. The battle is about what we believe. And we believe that . . . I don’t . . . what it is, that we believe . . . And maybe most important—who we want to be. It’s all at stake! That’s what the battle is all about.

JA: My name is actually Jim, but never mind that. Mr. Vice President, America is in a crisis. Do you think that between Trump and Coronavirus, our democracy will survive?

JB: Jonathan, we cannot let this, we’ve never allowed any crisis from the Civil War straight through to the pandemic of 17, all the way around, 16, we have never, never let our democracy take second fiddle, we can both have a democracy and . . . correct the public health. So I promise the American people that our democracy will be the example of the pandemic, for which we will find a cure. And once we find it, we will successfully deal with the numbers . . . the numbers . . . they are very numerous. With 120 million Americans dead from the virus, not counting the 700 million unemployed American women, that’s a lot of dead people.

JA: I understand. At least, I think I understand . . . Sort of . . . Now, Mr. Vice President, do you have a favorite news network you like to watch?

JB: Of course, Jay. CNN is definitely one of my favorites. And let me tell you something—I just love the way you present the . . . the . . . the presentation of . . . the news. Most people couldn’t do the job that you do, I am sure.

JA: Now, you’ve released a statement on Juneteenth.

JB: I did?

JA: Yes, Mr. Vice President. Can you elaborate a bit on the meaning of Juneteenth to our nation?

JB: Umm . . . Juneteenth?

JA: Yes. June 19.

JB: Why, what happened on June 19? I . . . don’t remember anything unusual happening on June 19. Do you?

JA: Ahh . . . Umm . . . Right. Let’s move on to another subject. Everyone is on the edge of his seat, trying to guess about whom you will pick as your running mate. What can you tell us about your deliberations?

JB: Josh, let me just be clear about something. I want to be the first major presidential candidate to pick a woman as a running mate. For the first time in history, we’ll have a woman on the ticket. I can’t remember this ever happening before. I can’t go into specifics, but I am looking for someone who will be ready from day one, to assume the presidency, should the need arise. There are a number of highly qualified people, such as Amy Klobuchar and Stacey Abrams, for example . . . 

JA: Umm . . . Sir, Senator Klobuchar took herself out of consideration the other day.

JB: She did? That’s weird . . . Nobody told me . . . Well, Jackie, I guess we have Stacey Abrams, then . . . She is still in the running, isn’t she? She hasn’t taken herself out of consideration, has she? 

JA: Not to my knowledge, sir.

JB: Oh, good. Julian, the fact of the matter is, the single most important quality I am looking for is that they need to be a woman, I was even thinking of maybe a trans woman, and their skin needs to be a darker shade than mine. You know, we need to be inclusive!

JA: So you might be the first major party candidate to pick a trans woman as your running mate?

JB: Exactly.

JA: Any potential names you can share with us?

JB: Um . . . No, not at the moment, but it would be even better if he was a black trans woman. I mean, she. Or is it xe? Right . . . We’re still looking, as you know. We’re looking at some resumes. Yes.

JA: Mr. Vice President, what message would you like to send to our young people?

JB: Look, Jonah, you have an entire generation of young people beginning back in, in two thou . . . when, when, the attack occurred on 9/11, in 2011, that were in fact behind the eight ball from the time they got out of school. And we need to provide them with . . . ahh . . . umm . . . with jobs, and with other things. 

JA: Well, Mr. Vice President, it has certainly been great to talk to you again.

JB: Thank you, Julius. It’s always good to be with you.

 

Elections

My Name Is Joe O’Biden, And I Am Here To Defund the Police!

In yet another American Greatness exclusive, here is the transcript of Joe Biden’s video address from the basement of his house in Wilmington, Delaware on June 11.

Folks, it’s Joe O’Biden here. I couldn’t help myself, so I decided to do another video from my crypt er . . . from my basement, so that y’all can see for yourself—I am ready to be vice president. I mean, president. No joke!

The fact of the matter is, people love seeing me on video. When I go out and do things, it usually doesn’t turn out so good. So my staff keeps telling me—stay in your crypt, under the house, and do videos from there, so that all Americans can see that you’re ready to be the fearless top dog that they all want to have in charge. So here I am, broadcasting from my crypt and doing just that—demonstrating that I am, indeed, the top dog. 

I am serious!

Folks, just the other day I attended a memorial service for Pink Floyd. It was so moving, I almost peed in my diaper. Er . . . I mean, I almost cried. Pink Floyd and his wife Sally Floyd are now a key part of my coalition. Everybody named Floyd is welcome to vote for me. Especially any black person named Floyd. And if you is black and you ain’t voting for me, then you ain’t black. You is definitely not black enough, if you is for Trump!

That is why, folks, I took a knee, to honor Bubba Floyd. Well, I had to have help, obviously, because getting down on one knee, and then getting up, can be a challenge. Anyone can tell you that, so the fact that they had to help me in no way indicates that I am old and falling apart. Just the opposite!

“I Want to Talk About Racial Justice”

Unfortunately, the teleprompter quit on me just as we were trying to get this video thing going. So for better or for worse, I am just gonna have to use my notes. So let me tell you something, folks: right here, in my notes, it says that the act of protesting should . . . never be allowed to . . . to . . . to overshadow the reason for the protest. Yes. Let me just say it one more time, but this time with feeling, because right now, at this very moment, I . . . have no idea what else to say: the protesting should not . . . er . . . not . . . overshadow the reason for the protest. Right. No joke!

I remember now! I want to talk about racial justice. And let me tell you something: nobody has a better feel for racial justice than me. Ever since I came to the Senate, racial justice has been at the top of my list of concerns. In fact, I remember, back in the day, when me, Senator Eastland and Senator Talmadge, both of whom mentored me, would get together, smoke a few cigars, and talk about race issues in America. It was a very civil discourse, especially after we’d had a few drinks. 

And what we all agreed on was that we literally need more racial justice. Literally! Well, I am not sure they agreed, now that I think about it. But we talked about lots of things, me and the good ol’ boys. The point is, we need a president who understands what black Americans are feeling right now, the same way that my friends Talmadge and Eastman understood it.

Er . . . OK. What are we talking about here? Right.

So I just want to tell you about the one issue we face today, and that is, defunding the police. We absolutely need to defund the police. We need to defund the police, the ICE, the FBI, and all the state police. But we also need to fund the police better. 

And while we abolish the police and, at the same time, increase their funding, we need to do it with the kind of decency and honorableness that I have always been known for. So I just want to be clear about what my position is, on the defunding police issue: we definitely need to defund the police, and, while we are doing that, we need to spend more money on the police, so that the police, after being defunded, have all the funds they need to do their job with honorableness and decency. So I hope I’ve made my position clear. I am serious!

The Cure for Terrible People

Let me be clear about something. All of us must remember is that at least 10 to 15 percent of all Americans are not very good people. Let’s be honest here, folks—they really are not. I know this for a fact, because not one of them plans to vote for me. In fact, that percentage might be even higher. As many as 20 to 25 percent of Americans probably aren’t very good people. They are bad people, in point of fact. And another 15 percent or so are at best so-so people. So we might have as many 40 percent of Americans who aren’t good people. Maybe even 45 percent. Some worse than others, obviously.

A lot of the Latino people support Trump—and they are just terrible people. Almost half of the Latino people are not good people. Let me tell you something—if you is a Latino, and you is for Trump, you ain’t a Latino. In fact, I don’t need the Latino vote at all! I can win without Latinos! No joke!

Folks we have the coro . . . cor . . . the thing, the virus, out there. So the most important thing right now is to take care of the cure. As soon as we find the cure, that will make the problem worse no matter what. No matter what. The whole point of finding the cure is to make the problem even bigger. Er . . . What am I saying? I . . . What? I’m saying that . . . What . . . Ahh . . . Er . . . What I mean is, we need to find a cure. Yes. Coronavirus is a disease, and I am the cure. Er . . . No . . . I don’t mean that . . . If we find a cure, then we can cure people. Right. 

And in fact, the Biden Cancer Initiative is an example of how we can cure people. The Biden Cancer Initiative is all about a cure for cancer. And just like the Biden Cancer Initiative, we need to . . . er . . . well, it didn’t actually find a cure, that wasn’t really the point of it, the point of it was to draw attention to the problem of cancer, because I wouldn’t want to die of cancer. Would you? Of course not. Plus, I am on the board of the Biden Cancer Initiative, and so is my wife, Valerie Biden, and that’s how we get paid the big bucks from this cancer thing. I am serious!

And folks, I am looking at the corona . . . coro . . . at the numbers, and, oh, boy . . . Oh, boy . . . Oh . . . Oh, man . . . Those numbers . . . Oh, boy . . . The numbers . . . Boy, those very high numbers have to do at least several things. One, we have to depend on what the president’s going to do right now, and first of all, he has to . . . tell . . . wait til the cases happen before anything happens. We can’t do anything until things happen. No . . . Those numbers, they depend on the president. I mean, we have to wait until the virus causes an actual infestation . . . The virus . . . 

Here’s the deal—this epidemic is all Trump’s fault. Er . . . well, OK, maybe not the whole epidemic, but definitely some of the epidemic is his fault. And . . . I am so proud . . . of the nurses . . . and doctors, also! But I like nurses . . . Especially nurses. Boy, some of those nurses are damn hot! No joke!

More Hysteria and Fearmongering

Look, Trump’s got to get in place things that were shortages of. I mean, that we had shortages of. Er . . . Right. Shortages. Especially the masks. Masks are key. There were shortages of masks. We need more masks, and we have those high numbers of people in masks, and some people should wear two masks, or even three masks. We need more masks, and Trump isn’t making more masks. I mean it! Ever since I was Barack America’s vice president, I always chose truth over facts! 

Folks, I’ll be honest with you: it’s getting kinda boring, sitting here in my crypt every day, day after day. Doing these videos from my crypt is getting a little stale, truth be told, especially since nobody ever watches them. Anything to break the monotony, if you know what I mean. Maybe I’ll even go to . . . somewhere. I don’t know where yet, as long as it’s completely safe. No joke!

Folks, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and admit that Hillary Clinton was always more qualified than me to be vice president. And that is why I am running for president now—because I’ve always been the second-most qualified. Maybe even third-most qualified, if you count a few other people whose names I won’t mention, because I can’t remember them. I am serious!

And folks, unlike Trump, we base our policies on truth over facts! Right! Wait, I said that already, didn’t I? Right. The facts say, we don’t need masks anymore, because protesting is more important, and you need to show your face when you’re protesting. And that is why we have to move forward right now! As Americans, we have to come together while moving forward! I know times are tough, but the stakes in this election have never been higher! You can’t deal with the economic crisis until you deal with the public health crisis! We need to forgive all student debt immediately! We’ve gotta act now to keep the doors open for small businesses on Main Street! We’ve got to make sure that Main Street joins Wall Street! And we have to make sure that Wall Street joins that other street! Like Broadway, or Fifth Avenue! We need a task force to deal with this crisis! Donald Trump’s response to the coro . . . corona . . . cor . . . the virus is inept! 

Let me be clear about something else, too. I oppose all walls! A wall will not stop the coronavirus. Did you know that? You did. Good. I am against travel bans! This disease could impact every nation and any person on the planet—and we need a plan to combat it. This is no time for Donald Trump’s record of hysteria, hysterical xenophobia, and fearmongering! It is time for all Americans to go out and protest the lockdowns! No, wait, that’s wrong . . . What I mean is, it is time for all Americans to go out and protest racism! Right! 

Folks, there are many people who are unemployed now, because of the cor . . . cor . . . the virus, and because of Trump. Three hundred million Americans are unemployed, not counting the 700 million women. And that’s just terrible. That is why I stand shoulder to shoulder with those Democratic governors who are continuing the lockdowns. Safety first!

Folks, I’ve been talking here for quite a while now, and I am trying to remember, have I talked about masks already? I have? OK, then! What about defunding the police? Have I talked about that? I have? I see. OK, thanks, Valerie. What’s that? You’re not Valerie? Oh . . . What about the cor . . . cor . . . the virus? Have I talked about the virus? Oh, good. I wasn’t sure. I thought I had, but I wanted to be 100 percent certain. 

And that Floyd fella, Pink Floyd, I think it was, from Milwaukee. Have I talked about him? I have? Are you sure? Well, OK, then. I guess we’re done, folks!

Thank you, folks!

Elections

Only You Can Save the Limousine Liberals!

A public service announcement.

In a blockbuster first, B.S. News virtuously presents a public service announcement, because never have the stakes been greater for your betters.

During the COVID-19 pandemic governmental lockdowns, it is easy to forget the victims of another governmental fiat. But U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) can never forget these victims. Thanks to the Speaker’s limitless compassion for the up-trodden, House Democrats recently passed the Health and Economic Recovery Omnibus Emergency Solutions (HEROES) Act. Using the pandemic as a pretext, House Democrats pushed for this state bailout boondoggle that lifted the federal cap on state and local tax deductions in 2020 and 2021.

It’s a great leap forward in protecting America’s latest endangered feces: Limousine Liberals. 

This category of Democratic voter has been deeply hurt by the disastrous economic boom spawned by the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017.  That “give away to the rich” evidently left out the Limousine Liberals. The law’s $10,000 cap on federal tax deductions for state and local taxes (SALT) has devastated this protected upper class—i.e., the Limousine Liberals living in gated communities to protect them from you and the consequences of their ideology. Per the Tax Policy Center:

High-income households are more likely than low- or moderate-income households to benefit from the SALT deduction . . . About 11 percent of tax filers with incomes less than $50,000 claimed the SALT deduction in 2016, compared with about 80 percent of tax filers with incomes exceeding $100,000. The latter group, which made up about 17 percent of tax filers, accounted for about 77 percent of the total dollar amount of SALT deductions reported. The average claim in this group was about $21,000.

This patent social injustice foisted upon your social superiors must end before it’s too late!

Absent low-tax states’ residents subsidizing their appetite for big government, Limousine Liberals can no longer completely rob Peter (the federal government) to pay Paul (their state governments). They must—brace yourself—actually pay more federal taxes. While you have long been told paying more taxes is something Limousine Liberals yearn to do, their true goal may well be too nuanced for you lowbrows to grasp. 

Evidently, Limousine Liberals practice the fiscal theory of “misery loves company,” whereby the progressive upper crust will only pay more in taxes if everybody else does (i.e., you). This should have been apparent from the dearth of Limousine Liberals’ voluntary contributions to the federal treasury to “pay their fair share.” But your naiveté, ignorance, and selfish lust for lower taxes and prosperity are no excuse for the horrors thrust upon these progressive peers of the realm.   

Indeed, the GOP’s 2018 perversion of the progressive income tax to make the rich pay more has spurred a diaspora of Limousine Liberals fleeing to low-tax red states, where they are forced to live amongst dirty, unwashed deplorables. True, this migration of rich progressives could prove these red states’ salvation, thanks to the Limousine Liberals importing their progressive ideology to enlighten the benighted masses. This cohabitation with their social lessers, however, may endanger the Limousine Liberals’ progressive ideological commitment by exposing them to common sense, lower taxes, and good government. 

Thus, even though the provision capping SALT deductions expires in 2025, being a Limousine Liberal herself, Pelosi knows the stakes are too great to take even this minuscule risk. She is well versed in how challenging it is to remain blissfully ignorant of leftist hypocrisy. What if—goddess Gaia forfend!—prolonged contamination from red state reactionaries caused the cognitive dissonance of Limousine Liberals to erode? Would the ideological imbecility and hypocrisy of Limousine Liberals go the way of the dodo? Could anyone put a price on the loss to our global village if Limousine Liberals failed in their self-appointed mission to fundamentally transform America?

Nancy Pelosi did. 

Ever a healer (ward or otherwise), Pelosi has fashioned an equitable remedy by courageously embracing the hypocrisy to propose the two-year federal tax cut for the economically ravaged Limousine Liberals. What happens after those two years is anyone’s guess. 

What happens before that? The massive tax hikes by big government-loving, locked-down blue states expected after the COVID-19 pandemic—hikes that are likely to come in these long-identified fiscal disaster areas even with a federal bailout. Now try to imagine the unfairness of Limousine Liberals being compelled to sacrifice for the common good of their high-tax blue states without low-tax red states footing part of the bill. It isn’t a pretty picture.

This is where you come in. 

For only a few dollars per day, Speaker Pelosi’s HEROES Act affords only you—greedy, fascist, racist, red-state reprobate, you—the responsibility to save the endangered Limousine Liberals. Only you, by rejecting your selfishness, can embrace Pelosi’s holistic hypocrisy and save the Limousine Liberals with a federal tax cut for them and a tax hike for you—all for their own common good, mind you. Only you, by rejecting your enviousness, can confirm that, when it comes to inequitable taxation, deplorables are truly “alone together.”

Your betters accept in advance your compliant contribution. Stay home, stay safe, and save the Limousine Liberals!

Or else.

© B.S. News 2020

Elections

Joe Biden: I Have A Plan To Fight the Ebola Virus!

Here, exclusively to American Greatness yet again, is the transcript of Joe Biden’s speech from his house in Wilmington, Delaware on March 23, 2020, addressing voters about the current pandemic.

Joe Biden: Folks, I want to begin this by discussing the coron . . . corona . . . coro . . . the response to the coro . . . to the virus. These are confusing times for all of us . . . er . . . for most of us . . . I don’t mean to say that I am confused. No, absolutely not! Some people might be confused, but not me! I remember how we overcame the Hispanic Flu of 1918, the Great Depression, World War I, World War II—and I was there, with you, for all of them, helping America overcome these challenges.

And I will be with you for this crisis as well, on Instantgram, on Twinter, on FacialBook, on Tinder, Grindr, OKCupid, Match.com, Yumi, AdultFriendFinder, Hinge, TransDate.com, and every other platform. Oh, and on Google, also. And some Chinese ones as well! We just need to get the lighting situation resolved, and you’ll see more of me. Proper lighting is vital, if you are going to be addressing a crisis.

It goes without saying that I disagree with President Trump’s approach to this crisis. Our response needs to be international in nature. We need to not just deal with the coron . . . co . . . corona . . . the virus here, in this country, but globally. Trump should have sent our scientists to China back in January, to study the situation—whether the Chinese want them, or not. That’s what being President of the United States is all about—sending scientists to every country out there. What I am saying is, we need a global response to this problem. And not all countries are on board.

For example, look at Brazil. Brazil’s rainforest is being cut down, and the land is converted to farmland. So we should pay Brazil $20 billion, and just ask them to stop cutting down trees. We’ll just tell them, we’ll pay you $20 billion, and please don’t cut the trees. Trees are very important. I love trees. And that’s an example of how we are going to fight the coro . . . coron . . . the corona . . . the epidemic, the Ebola epidemic, using a global international response. No joke!

I Never Got a Penny From China Myself

One thing that I will do differently is that I will not call this virus the Chinese virus. We need to work with the Chinese, not get confrontational with the virus. Confrontation is counterproductive. Nothing ever gets done if we get confrontational—we need more cooperation, that is what we need.

And I will never get confrontational with the Chinese—it’s just not in my nature to be confrontational with people who gave me a billion dollars. Er . . . What I mean is, gave my son a billion dollars . . . er . . . right. It wasn’t a gift, to be precise, it was an investment, a long-term no-interest no-questions-asked investment.

Let me just set the record straight on that, it’s perfectly normal in the investment world to make investments like that. I never got a penny from China myself, it was just a deal that my son did, and it wasn’t even all that much money for the Chinese, so you can see why I have a lot of experience in these things.

As Barack’s vice president, I also have a lot of personal experience fighting epidemics. We need to move, and we need to move fast. We had the swine flu epidemic, where we did nothing, and were very successful at doing nothing. We had the SARS epidemic, where we did nothing, and things worked out just fine. We had the Ebola epidemic, where all we had to do was make a statement, and that was literally all anybody ever expected of us. And there were other epidemics, where the O’Biden-Bama administration did absolutely nothing, and nobody ever expected us to do anything. I am being serious!

So folks, I have a plan. This is a plan to fight this African virus, this corona . . . er . . . the coro . . . co . . . er . . . the virus, the plan is . . . we’re working on a plan, on a good plan. I can tell you, our plan is now in the planning stage. Once the planning stage for our plan is complete, and we figure out what we want to do, the plan will move from the planning stage to the publication stage.

And then, during the plan’s publication stage, we will publish our plan. Once we publish it, everyone will see that we know what we’re doing. Folks, I am here to tell you: our plan puts fiction over science! Our plan puts hope over truth! Er . . . I mean, the other way around! Wait . . . I think it’s the other way around . . . Or is it? Our plan puts science over . . . over . . . er . . . I don’t mean over, I mean, under . . . er . . . Our plan puts truth over facts! This N1H1 virus shall not pass! No pasaran!

That is why, folks, our plan to fight this virus is proactive. What does proactive mean, by the way? Does anyone know? Oh. OK, so like I said, it is definitely proactive, which I am here to tell you, is the opposite of reactive. That is why I warned everyone in January of 2008 about the coron . . . corona . . . the threat that we face.

First, We Need Masks . . . Third, We Need Masks

My plan is also progressive, because it literally progresses from A to B to C. Our plan is forward-looking, not backward-looking. Everywhere the African swine flu strikes, we’ll be there with our plan to address this crisis. I believe that all Americans deserve to be SARS-free, and that is why I will, someday soon, have a plan to deal with this . . . this . . . deal with . . . the pandemic that we have right now. Our plan is also . . . will be . . . it is . . . our plan is multilateral, which means it literally has multiple laterals in it. So that’s another reason why our plan is better than Trump’s plan. No joke!

I have given this a lot of thought, and the answer is simple: we need masks—masks are the absolute key to defeating this epidemic. I would turn every factory in the country to making masks. Whether you are now making cars, or airplanes, or air conditioners, or computers—every factory in the country should be converted to making masks. This is how we will win this fight against the Ebola virus.

And, in addition to that, we need to . . . In addition, we need to also . . . We need . . . There is another thing that we need to do, and that is, we have to do that other thing, not the first thing, the second thing, which we’ll do after doing the first thing. And the second thing that we need to do is . . . Er . . . Let me just go to the third thing. The third thing is . . . the third thing . . . here is what the president must do: he must deal with this emergency right now.

Trump’s inaction is simply unacceptable! Trump is behind the curve on this! If I were president, I would invoke the Defense Production Act to increase the production of necessities! I would prioritize and immediately increase domestic production of any critical medical equipment required to respond to this crisis—especially the production of masks and associated training to operate the masks! I would delegate the authority to do this to HHS and FEMA! We need it now! Right now! I am being serious!

What did you say? He did already? Are you sure? He announced all of it? When did he do it? Oh . . . And the masks, too? Oh . . . I didn’t know that . . . Are you sure about the masks? Because maybe he forgot about masks . . . ? Oh.

I’m Still Relevant!

Well, isn’t that just like Trump—take all my best ideas, before I even had them! Folks, don’t believe Trump for a second! He didn’t think of any of these things! I did! I thought of them, I just didn’t think there was any point in talking about them at the time! Let me tell you something: I am evolving on this issue.

What I mean is, the virus is evolving, and I am evolving with it, and the best is yet to come as we struggle for the soul of our country, and that’s the God’s honest truth! And all of us must evolve, together. But I am already evolving even as I speak, and I hope you’ll join me!

Folks, this Ebola epidemic is the reason why I need to remind people that I am still relevant. And that is why, for the foreseeable future, I intend to do daily press briefings about my response to the Ebola virus. I will form a crisis task force, consisting of myself, my wife, Dr. Jill Biden, my son, Hunter Biden, my granddaughter, Finnegan Biden, and my campaign spokeswoman, Symone Sanders. This task force will be in charge of the Biden campaign’s response to the crisis.

What I mean is, I don’t intend to have an actual response, since I am not the president, I just want to be president, but I am not president yet. But if I were the president, I would definitely have a response, and that’s why I am forming this crisis task force. No joke!

So Trump needs to give us the unvarnished truth. Un-varnished. That means, it’s not varnished, because nobody wants varnish on their truth . . . Truth is never really varnished . . . or can it even be varnished? This is about truth . . . yes . . . right. We want the truth! Truth . . . I am all for truth . . .

Can somebody move this damn teleprompter along, for crying out loud! How the hell do you expect me to make sense when the words on the goddamn teleprompter aren’t moving? What are you people, morons, or something?

Looking Presidential Is the Key

Folks, here is the deal: I would do all the things that Trump is doing, but do them differently. Or I wouldn’t do them at all, because I am not Trump. Or I would do the exact things that Trump is doing, but call them something else, because if Trump calls them one thing, I have to criticize them, and I can’t very well criticize them if I am proposing the same things, can I?

The point of my crisis task force and my Ebola press briefings is to draw a contrast between me and Trump, which is very important, otherwise, people will forget that I exist, and we can’t have that. I am being serious!

The best part of these Ebola press briefings that I will be doing on a regular basis . . . er . . . I mean, not Ebola . . . it’s the other one . . . I mean, I got them mixed up for a second, it’s not Ebola, it’s that African virus, the coron . . . coronav . . . cor . . . the virus. I’m talking about the other virus, not Ebola. Right.

So the point I am trying to make here is that during my press briefings, people can see me, and I don’t even need to go anywhere, because we just discovered this new thing called teleconferencing. With teleconferencing, I can satisfy my desperate need . . . er . . . I mean, the people’s desperate need to see me alive, without me leaving the comfort of the TV studio. Or the comfort of my own home, which is even better.

So I can dress up, get the teleprompter going, read a sentence or two, and look very presidential. It is critical for people to see me in a presidential light—people don’t like voting for someone if he doesn’t look presidential. And I have looked presidential since at least 1988, and you have my word as a Biden on that. Looking presidential is the absolute key to being presidential.

And that is why it is very very important that everyone go to the polls to vote for me in the primaries. All citizens should show up at the polls, especially the older ones, because they tend to vote for me a lot more than for Bertie. I mean, Bernie. Folks, don’t worry about that national emergency that Trump declared——voting is more important. After you vote for me, then you can take the national emergency more seriously. But definitely not before.

Voting for me may be the last thing you’ll ever do, and if you die because of it, you’ll know that you died for a good cause, after proudly casting your vote as an American, and that it was all worth it. So folks, wait for my antivirus plan to come out, and don’t listen to the CDC when they tell you to stay home. I am being serious!

Folks, here’s the deal: this African pandemic is an example of what happens when we don’t take care of the environment. When I am vice president, I will . . . er . . . I mean, when I am president, I will . . . I will . . . I . . . We will . . . Everyone will . . . What I am getting at is, as your Senator, I promise you that I will vote for the virus . . . Er . . . I mean, I’ll vote against the Ebola virus. No joke!

Folks, as your candidate for the United States Senate, I intend to pick a woman running mate. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: . . . ah . . . er . . . ummm . . . I’ll say it again and again, if I have to . . . er . . . as I’ve said before, I intend to . . . pick a woman. It is definitely time for a woman to be the number two on a ticket. I will be the first presidential candidate who will pick a woman as his running mate. Nobody else has ever done this, so I will be the very first presidential candidate to make history, by having a woman as my running mate! And this, folks, is how we will not only win the presidency, but we will win the House as well! I am being serious!

What? Sarah who? Sarah Palin? Who is that? Ok . . . What about her? And Geraldine Ferraro? Who the hell is that? She was? Really? They both were? Oh . . . Never mind, then. The point I want all of you to take away from seeing me on TV like this is that I am competent, knowledgeable, totally on the ball, and qualified to become president.

Thank you, folks!

Elections

Running In Front, Running Clueless

The exclusives to American Greatness keep coming. Here is the transcript of Joe Biden’s speech in Dayton, Ohio, March 12, 2020.

Joe Biden: Folks, it is great to be here with you! I wish I could tell you what state we are in right now, as in, “it is great to be here with you in the great state of Iowa,” or some such, but I have to be honest with you: I have absolutely no idea where I am or what city this is. In fact, I stopped recognizing the states where I was holding my campaign events weeks ago. But don’t worry about it. I am certainly not worried, so you shouldn’t be either. No joke!

Folks, I am now the front-runner in this race for . . . for . . . ummm . . .  er . . . to become the . . . er . . . for the top job. That means, I am out in front, as opposed to being behind. Being behind really sucked. People were saying all sorts of nasty things about me, that I am clueless, that I am senile, that I am a doddering, shambling, bumbling, mumbling fool, that I lost a step or two . . .  Well, we sure proved them all wrong, didn’t we?

Well, OK, maybe we didn’t prove them wrong about those particular comments, because I can see how some people might misinterpret that vacant look I have in my eyes most of the time, but the important thing is, I’ve got more delegates now. It doesn’t matter if I can finish a paragraph or not, when I give a speech, I now have . . . I can finish the paragraph every time I start . . .  finish . . . I can . . . every paragraph that I start deserves to be . . . paragraph . . . finishing a deserving paragraph . . . er . . .

Let me tell you about delegates. I don’t know how many more of them I’ve got, I have got people keeping track of these things, so I don’t have to bother with small details like that, but you can’t argue with success! What I am trying to say is that more is more. That’s all that matters. I am being serious!

The other guy, Barney Sanders, he is way behind in delegates. And let me tell you about him and his brothers and his other relatives. Those Barney Brothers and Barney Sisters, it’s just a terrible thing, what those Barney siblings are doing. Barney . . . I mean, Bernie, has all those Bernie brothers and sisters doing all those . . . things, all those . . . bad things, and I simply won’t stand for it!

Folks, this is the most important presidential election of our lives! I should know—I’ve been through dozens of them, so I know what I’m talking about. As an O’Biden-Bama Democrat, I will bring my razor-sharp intellect to the White House. No joke!

Am I Running  for Election or Re-Election?

Let’s face it, folks—Trump knows nothing about our traditions of dignity and civility. And that is why we cannot possibly win this election! We cannot get re-elected, and we know it. We can only re-elect Donald Trump! We will engage in a circular firing squad, because we don’t know how to run a positive campaign! Yes! Er . . .  No . . . That’s not what I mean . . . We need to do more negative attacks on Trump! Ahh . . . Wait . . . We need to do positive attacks, not negative attacks, because it is up to all of us to re-elect Donald Trump!

Er . . . I mean . . .  What..? What am I saying? We need to re-elect me! No, no, wait . . . Am I running for election or re-election? We don’t need to re-elect Trump at all! Or do we? No, no, absolutely not!

What I am trying to say, folks, is this: we in the Democratic Party know all about firing squads. And all those Bernie Brothers should face one, and the sooner, the better! Er . . .  I don’t mean, like, a literal firing squad, I mean, they should be shot, but not using real bullets. Er . . . Although . . . What would be the point of shooting them, then? That doesn’t make any sense . . . Why shoot the Bernie Brothers, if you are not gonna use real bullets? I am being serious!

Here’s the deal, folks: if the firing squad uses real bullets, they shouldn’t use high-capacity magazines. And no AR-14s, either. I strongly oppose AR-14s! I also oppose AR-13s, and AR-12s! I oppose all assault weapons, because they can be used to assault people—and I have always opposed all forms of sexual assault.

For the record, everything I’ve ever done with women has always been 100 percent consensual. In fact, as a senator, I passed legislation against . . . legislation that . . . as committee chairman, I strongly supported legislation that . . . made it a crime to assault . . . use an assault weapon to assault . . . weapons with magazines . . . big magazines . . .

Look, folks, I don’t care what they say, if you say you want to have an AR-14 for self-defense, you are full of shit! I can tell some of you in the audience might have one at home—well, I am here to tell you, you don’t need an AR-14. It’s a machine gun, for chrissakes! So hell yes, we’re gonna come for you, and we’re gonna take those damn AR-14’s of yours! No joke!

You over there! Yeah, you! The fat guy. You have one? You do, huh? Well, don’t tell me that, pal, or I’m going to go out and slap you in the face! What, you think I can’t? I can give you an ass-whooping right now! Who’s gonna stop me? You? Hah! You can’t stop me! So don’t be a horse’s ass! What, you think I work for you? Come on, man! I don’t work for you! You really think I work for you? Hah! You are full of shit, aren’t you? You are so full of it, you can’t tell shit from shinola!

A Heartbeat Away from the Presidency

These people . . . I can’t believe them . . .  Why am I even talking to these fat low-class losers? Where the hell is my staff? Why did they put me in this event, with all these working-class idiots?

What? Jill? Would you stop whispering in my ear! What? Can’t you see I’m doing something here! Oh . . . Hold on a sec, folks, gimme a moment while I . . .

Whew . . . that caffeine I had this morning really packs a punch, doesn’t it? I feel more awake now than I’ve felt in years . . . I really should drink more coffee . . .

Folks, I feel the need to remind you that I was vice president to President . . .  I was the vice president when President . . . when . . . he . . . when my boss was president, I was the number two man. I was the numero uno. Er . . .  Just wait a second . . . “Uno” means “one” in some non-English language, right? So I couldn’t have been the numero uno, because President . . . the president, who was president at the time, he was numero uno . . . I must have been the numero duno.

And just like other vice presidents, I was a heartbeat away from the presidency. For example, President O’Clinton had a vice president, whose name I can’t recall. President O’Carter also had one, even though I can’t remember his name either. President O’Roosevelt, I am pretty sure, had a vice president. At least, I think he had one . . .  Yeah, he did, didn’t he? So, folks, what I am trying to tell you is that it is not unusual for a president to have a vice president, although none of them were as smart or as accomplished as I am.

Folks, there is an issue that I will address as soon as I am re-elected to the presidency. I will appoint the first African-American Woman Senator to the Senate. I will also appoint the second African-American Woman Senator to the Senate. In fact, I am not gonna stop there. On day one, I will appoint all 100 Senators, and every single one of them will be an African-American woman, and you can take that promise to the bank! It is about time the Senate got a little diversity going, is what I’m saying.

Discriminating Against Foreign Viruses Is Un-American

And folks, let me tell you another thing: that Trump’s peace plan for Afghanistan is a disaster. I was the O’Biden Administration’s point man on Afghanistan, because President O’Biden, before he was elected, promised to win the war in Afghanistan. And let me tell you, under my leadership . . . er . . . under President O’Biden’s leadership, we came pretty darn close. I argued for an additional 200,000 troops, and if the generals had given me those 200,000 troops in Afghanistan, I would have won the war.

Now, this Afghan peace deal that Trump made—I have no idea what’s in it, but I don’t like it. I haven’t actually read it, but it doesn’t sound like a victory to me, and Trump never even asked for my opinion, if you can believe that! Here’s the deal: I don’t need to read it in order to be dead set against it—and let me assure you, when I am president, there won’t be any more peace deals with the Germans. Er . . . I mean, with the . . . with the people who . . . with those people . . . those bad people.

What America needs is a victory—and that is why when I was president, we did . . . er . . . I mean, when I was vice president, we were . . . they were . . . we had a plan to win the war, and . . . it was a good plan, a verifiable plan . . . it was . . . I mean, it was a certifiable plan . . . we definitely had a plan . . . we needed just eight more years to win that war. It was just like Vietnam, only better! Er . . .

Folks, there is one issue that I know all of you care about, and that’s the coronavirus. I know all of you have confidence that I would do a much better job than Trump, in dealing with the coronav . . . corona . . . coron . . .  the virus. Trump doesn’t know what he is doing. Why does he call it a Chinese virus? Viruses have no nationality. That coronav . . . coro . . . corona . . . that virus is as American as apple pie. Just because it came from China is no reason to call it a foreign virus—it’s here now, just like many other viruses, trying to make a decent living for its family. In fact, some of my best friends came from China. I am serious!

That coron . . . coronav . . . that virus should not be discriminated against, just because it is of foreign origin—it is completely un-American to discriminate on the basis of origin. In fact, I know China, my family has done a lot of business there while I was vice president, and there is absolutely no reason to remind people that the coronav . . . coron . . . the virus is from China.

We need better border controls, and that’s why I’ve always supported open borders. We need more testing, and that’s why I have no idea how much testing we have done for the corona . . . coronav . . . coro . . .  er . . . the virus. But I know we need to do more. We should stop all incoming flights from affected countries—and that’s why I’ve opposed Trump’s actions to stop the flights from China and Europe from day one. In other words, my plan is the opposite of Trump’s plan. So you can see that I have a totally comprehensive plan to use the coron . . . coronav . . . cor . . . the virus to attack Trump.

Now, folks, Republicans are still trying to attack me and my son because he took that job with a Ukrainian oil and gas company. Let me tell you something: Shame. On. Them!

Nobody has ever proved that there is anything wrong with taking a job with a Ukrainian oil and gas company. Most Americans, if offered a job like that, would surely take it, especially since it paid very well and required Hunter to do absolutely nothing.

Besides, my baby boy had a drug and alcohol addiction at the time, so you can see why he needed the money. All that coke and expensive liquor doesn’t come cheap, you know. And those stripper friends of his don’t dance for free either. Why, I remember, when I was a senator, and me and Teddy Kennedy used to go to . . .  Er . . . Umm . . . Never mind.

Look, folks, a job’s a job, is what I always say. Hunter is a very bright guy, and I am not surprised at all those Ukrainians wanted to hire him. Besides, nobody has proven yet that there was anything illegal about this, at all. Nothing illegal. Nothing. Not a thing.

And this only illustrates the point I always try to make: every child in America deserves to be provided with a quality edu . . . ed . . . educa . . . educ . . .  a thing. Yes. I mean it! A quality environment. An environment where everyone can learn to code.

Thank you, folks!

Elections

Joe Biden: I Am As Sharp As A Tack! Sharper, Even!

Joe Biden: Folks, I am proud to be here in the great state of  . . . the state of . . . the . . . what I am saying is, I am proud to  . . . er . . . here’s the deal: it’s the state that’s next to that other state, but this one begins with an “M” . . .  er . . . Let me just begin by saying that here, in the great state of . . . er . . . in this state, which is definitely a great state, I am glad you all came to see me! No joke!

Ever since Super Thursday, my campaign has literally been on a roll. Just when everybody was ready to leave me for dead, I proved them all wrong! I am no more dead than that Chinese guy I met in Paris in 2015, Deng Xiaoping, when I negotiated the Paris Climate Treaty with him. He was as alive as anybody, even more so than me, if I remember correctly, and I always remember everything correctly, because I have perfect memory. In fact, my memory is so good, I even remember things that never happened in the first place, and you have my word as Biden on that!

Sure enough, I met Mr. Deng in Paris, and we had a really nice dinner, and we talked about my grandkids and his grandkids. And then, during the negotiations, Mr. Deng offered me a deal I couldn’t refuse. So here’s the deal, he said: after 2060, China promises to try to make an effort to possibly reduce their emissions, and in exchange, beginning today, America will not oppose China’s plans to dominate Asia. Since I couldn’t refuse such a deal, I didn’t, and me and Mr. Deng shook on it.

So there is your proof, folks—I am as alive today as Mr. Deng! I am serious!

And folks, I’ve been around a long time and I know more than most people. I even know things nobody else knows. Even I don’t know half the things that I know. And I can get things done. That’s why I’m running to be your Senator. No joke!

So I’d like to thank my sister, Dr. Jill Biden, for all the help with the campaign so far. Jill has been terrific. Every time I need something, like my pills, or directions to the little boys’ room, or the phone number for my gerontologist, she is always there for me. So when I decided to run for the U.S. Senate last April, she was definitely there. At least, I remember her being there . . .  Jill, honey, were you there? You were. Good. What’s that? You’re not my sister? What are you talking about? Are you sure? Oh, right. Of course, I meant, you were my wife. Are my wife. Right. So who is my sister? Do I even have a sister? Valerie? Who is Valerie? Oh, right. Valerie. Got it. Is she here now? Standing right next to you, you say? Oh, good, I see her.

My Brain Has Been Through A Lot

Here’s the deal, folks: a lot of the people who criticize me, especially Republicans, just don’t have good brains. No brains, period. None. Have you ever seen Nikki Haley’s brain? That woman is just an idiot. Let me count the ways in which she is an idiot. One, she didn’t expand Medicaid when she could have, as governor of South Carolina. Two, she . . .  she . . . she didn’t . . . she didn’t do that other thing to help the people of her state. Which is why I say that she has no brain. No joke!

Now, my brain has been through a lot. In fact, no presidential candidate in this race has a brain that has been through as much as mine. My brain has been through two major surgeries, and, miraculously, it’s still functioning! I remember just before my last brain surgery, the doctors told me that I probably wouldn’t make it, or if I did make it, I’d probably be a vegetable—that’s how serious it was. But whaddaya know!

It turned out all they had to do was remove some unnecessary portions of my brain, and I was fine! You can see that right here and now! In fact, my post-Super Thursday resolution is, that whenever I start a sentence, I am going to . . .  going to . . . What I am saying is, that from now on, every time—and I mean, literally, every time I start saying a sentence, I will definitely . . . for sure, I will . . . Here’s what I am going to do, this is a promise, and you can take it to the bank: every time I begin a sentence, I will . . .  finish it! Yes!

So folks, a lot of people on the campaign trail ask me . . .  They ask me if the thing is . . . that thing . . . What I am trying to say is, many Americans, real Americans, Americans of all three genders, just like you and me, many of those Americans ask me if I . . .  I’ve been asked by many Americans about . . . People, real people, are hurting, and that’s why they ask me all sorts of questions. And the one question they always ask me is . . . there are people who want to know the answer . . .  the question they always ask is about education! I am serious!

Folks, I know a lot about education, because after I was Barack’s vice president, I became a teacher for a few years. As a teacher, I taught students. Those students, they were taught by me, and they learned many things from me. I didn’t do it for money, I should point out, I only did it for the love of teaching, because look at all those minority students who can’t read because their parents can’t read or write themselves. And that’s just unacceptable! No joke!

In point of fact, the University of Pennsylvania only paid me $800,000 for teaching there, and I remember that I taught . . .  I taught . . . the thing . . . that thing that I taught, I did it when I came to the University that one time, to explain to students about . . .  the thing. No, it must have been that other thing . . . What I explained to somebody there is that education is very important, it is key, in fact, to a successful economy, and that is why we must have education of every kind—higher, lower, whatever. I am being serious!

Education is vital, if we are going to beat China. No, wait, we don’t need to beat China, we already beat China. Didn’t we? Right. We did. I mean we did it in the past. But we can do it again in the future, if we need to, and that is why we need education. And that’s why the University of Pennsylvania paid me $800,000, to contribute to educating Americans on the need to beat China. So this would be the second time we beat China. But only if we need to, and I don’t really think we need to.

You Know . . . The Thing

Folks, when I was in law school, I came across the text of the Declaration of Independence. It was so moving, so inspiring, that I memorized it. To this day, I can recite it by heart. It says, we hold these truths to be apparent, that all women and all men are created equal, and that  . . . they are equal, because . . . Title XVII says so, and . . . also, these men and women, and any transgendered persons, that they are endowed by their . . . their . . . you know, their . . . thing . . . that thing that is . . . well, the thing . . . the endowing thing, they are endowed by it with certain unalienable rights, and those rights are . . .  they are given rights, like an endowment, because they need rights in order to vote . . . I remember there are three of them. I definitely remember that. Those rights . . . the three rights that the . . . great thing endowed them with, they are Life and the Pursuit of Happiness. No, wait! That’s only two . . . I know there is a third one . . . Or is Pursuit and Happiness two separate rights? I can’t remember . . .

Folks, let me talk instead about an issue where I just appointed Beto O’Rourke to be my right-hand man. And that issue is gun violence. Gun violence is the single most important issue facing America today, except for climate change and transgender rights, which are also important, if not more so. I am being serious!

But think about it, folks: 150 million people have been killed by guns in America since 2007, and that’s not even counting the people who were killed using knives and forks! Think about that! 150 million! 150 million Americans, dead, all because gun manufacturers are exempt from liability. This is 100 times more Americans than were killed in all the wars! Including Vietnam! No joke!

Because of guns, we have carnage on our streets, and I want to tell you, if I’m elected, and if you have a gun, I’m coming for you! And gun manufacturers, I’m going to take you on and I’m going  . . . going . . . I’m going to do what I need to do, and . . . Er . . . You can run, but you can’t hide! I will find you! What’s that? They are not hiding, you say? They are advertising? Well, let me tell you, when I am president, there will be no more advertising showing guns in a positive light! Only in a negative light! Right.

And you know what the worst part is? The worst part about those gun manufacturers is how they try to sell you 100 rounds in a single bullet! Imagine that! Who on Earth would need 100 rounds in one bullet? I have no idea. I don’t even know what a round is . . .  And then, to add insult to injury, they put 30, 40, 50 clips into a weapon! Can you imagine that? I don’t know what any of this really means, but I am glad Beto knows—he is my czar for all the gun questions now, I’ve appointed him my czar. What’s a “czar,” by the way? Does anybody know? Oh. OK.

And That Is Why I am a Candidate for the United States Senate

So folks, this campaign is all about the working men and women of America. And the other working genders, I don’t mean to limit myself to just two genders, we all know there are many other genders—at least three that we know of, and almost certainly many more. But regardless, my own family is proof that if you work hard enough, you can succeed in anything. I am living proof of that, and as your future Senator, I promise you that together, we can . . .  we can . . . you and I can . . . both of us . . . we can all come together and make it happen, because this is what makes our country special.

I come from a thousand generations of Pennsylvania coal miners. As the first Biden to go to college . . .  er . . . except for the other Bidens who went to college before me, I . . . there were a thousand generations of Bidens . . .  what I am trying to say is that we Bidens have been mining coal in Pennsylvania and Delaware our entire lives, and the lives of a thousand generations of Bidens before that.

And that is why I’m now a candidate for the United States Senate. Look me over, if you like what you see, send a small donation to me, maybe $5, or $20. Or more, if you can afford it—and I know you can afford it. If not, vote for the other Biden. No joke!

Folks, I am very grateful for all the support from the black community. I have supported civil rights my entire life. I marched for civil rights in Selma, Alabama, in 1965. I remember doing that very well, even if no one else does. In fact, I remember a dog biting me when I was marching there. That dog remembers biting me, too—I recently met that dog, and the dog said it was real sorry. And also I remember how the white police used fire hoses on me. I am being serious!

But that wasn’t the first time that I stood shoulder to shoulder with the black community. I was there in Little Rock, in 1957, when schools were being desegregated. I remember helping that little black girl attend school, and I knew even then that they would surely arrest me for that.

In fact, they did arrest me—although they waited for about 40 years until I got to South Africa to visit Nelson Mandela. So the minute I got to South Africa, they arrested me. They told me the second we all got off the plane that the rest of the Congressional delegation had to go to the left, where the buffet was set up for them, but I had to go to the right, because they had a special meal prepared for me.

So I said, absolutely not, I am not eating that meal, because all I see there is overcooked beef and hardly any vegetables, and the dessert was very unappetizing and flabby-looking. I told them I would much rather eat with the rest of the Congressional delegation, and the South Africans eventually agreed, and took me to the buffet. So that’s how I was arrested there, when visiting Nelson Mandela, which was a really formative experience for me, and that’s the God’s honest truth.

Thank you, folks!

 

Elections

Joe Biden: Electability Can Be A Bitch

Would you believe it’s another American Greatness exclusive? The transcript of Joe Biden’s speech in Orangeburg, South Carolina, February 11, 2020. No foolin’!

Joe Biden: Folks, I just came here from the Nevada caucuses, a few hours before the votes were counted, and I am really glad to be with you here, in the Carolinas, and not over there. Which Carolina is this, by the way? North or South? Oh, right. As I was saying, I am glad to be here, in South Carolina. What’s the name of the town we’re in? Does anyone know? Oh, right. Orangeburg. What a weird name for a town . . . But it’s OK, I am used to meeting people from all kinds of towns with weird names. No joke!

You’ve probably heard by now that things were going exactly according to plan in the Nevada primary. I mean, in the New Hampshire primary. We never thought that we would win anything in New Hampshire, not even a participation trophy. So I am proud to tell you—we were right, we didn’t win a damn thing over there. I told everyone who would listen that Iowa would be a big bust for me, and New Hampshire would be an even bigger bust. It goes without saying that I was right.

Of course Iowa was a bust—how the hell does anyone expect me to win in a state that’s full of white people? I’m being serious!

New Hampshire is just as bad—nothing but white people up there. So the plan all along was to lose in both Iowa and New Hampshire, and then, after losing multiple times, to win here, in the Carolinas, because this is where the heart of America is, and one of the two Carolinas is my springboard to victory.

“Losing Iowa and New Hampshire Is the Opening Bell”

Folks, what we need to do is fight for the soul of America. It ain’t over man! Forget Nevada. I mean, New Hampshire. It never happened. I don’t even remember it happening, and I was just there. I already blocked it out in my mind. The fact of the matter is, we’re just getting started! And the fight begins here, in North Carolina! I mean, here, in South Carolina! We can’t let Trump have four more years—if he has four more years, many of you African Americans in the audience would start voting for Republicans, and we can’t have that! No joke!

Where I come from, losing Iowa and New Hampshire is the opening bell, not the closing bell, and the real fight to end Donald Trump’s presidency will begin after I lose the Nevada caucuses.

I’m definitely rarin’ to go, to defeat Donald Trump. Four more years of Trump will fundamentally alter the character of this nation. And if there is one thing that we all can agree on, it’s that we should never let our nation’s character be altered to a point where black folks vote for folks like those Republicans.

They are nasty people, the Republicans, always talking about jobs, opportunities, the dignity of work, the importance of family—I know that none of you here in the audience cares about that sort of nonsense, but some weaker minds among you North Carolina persons of color might succumb to the temptation and vote Republican. Well, I am here to tell you—as long as I am the most electable candidate, and I am definitely more electable than anybody, that will never happen. No joke!

Now, folks, I know there are a lot of issues of concern to the black community here in North . . . I mean, South Carolina. It is South Carolina, right? Right. Good. Just making sure.

“I Am a #MeToo Victim”

But the first issue that I know you’re all concerned about is those false reports about how I used to go swimming in the nude in the swimming pool at one of my houses, and the female Secret Service agents had some issues with that. Let me tell you something: it is completely untrue. And when I say “untrue,” I mean, totally false.

Not a single female Secret Service agent has ever told me that she found it offensive, having to protect me while I swam in the nude in my pool. I can’t imagine why any of them would have any issue with it in the first place. I’m being serious! What female wouldn’t want to see me swim in the nude? I have one hell of a sexy bod—I work out regularly, I do push-ups, I do sit-ups, I even do other things that I won’t discuss right now—and most of those exercises feel much better when I am naked. So it’s only natural that I would go swimming naked, too.

The fact of the matter is, I can see why maybe some of them had the hots for me, but they knew I would say no—so they made up these stories about my swimming in the nude made them uncomfortable. What I am trying to say here is that I am a #MeToo victim, and that’s the God’s honest truth.

And folks, this whole swimming in the nude thing in front of female Secret Service agents reminds me of my trip to Afghanistan to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to a lieutenant who was fighting the Iranian bad guys there, in the Mekong Delta. We flew in on Air Force Two, which I personally piloted. That’s why I always wear those aviator shades—to remind people that I am an ace aviator. No joke!

Then we flew from the capital of Afghanistan, whatever it is called, to the mountains, and I was wearing my shades the whole time. Naturally, I was the one who piloted the helicopter, because who else can be trusted to pilot both Air Force Two and helicopters, if not me?

The Ukrainian bad guys were shooting at us, and they even fired a few missiles at my helicopter, but thanks to my skill as a pilot, we were fine. Did I say Ukrainian bad guys? I meant, Iranian bad guys. No, that’s not what I meant. I meant, Iraqi ones. And other bad guys, too.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter who they were, I can never keep those countries straight. The point is, they were bad, but thanks to my efforts, we got there in one piece, so that I could pin that Purple Heart on that Navy corporal while under sniper fire from the Viet Cong.

Let me tell you something: it was one of the proudest moments of my life, because the courage that I showed by coming to Afghanistan in the first place was just amazing, and you have my word as a Biden on that. I’m serious!

“No Gun Should Have 50 Clips in It, Not Even 30 Clips”

Now, folks, speaking of Ukraine, I think it is really horrible what the Republicans have said about me and my son, Hunter. Hunter is one of the smartest people you’ll ever meet. Everyone agrees on that. He’s a real brainiac, a real bright guy. He is almost as smart as I am, by every measure, and I have the highest IQ in the Solar System. And that means that my son Hunter has the second highest IQ in the Solar System, and that is exactly why that Iranian company hired him to be on their board. I mean, that Ukrainian company. One of those. Right.

They just needed a really bright guy on their board, and they couldn’t find anybody bright in Ukraine, for that matter, so naturally they turned to Hunter. And that’s really all there was to it—nothing to see here. No joke!

And folks, you know and I know that gun violence is the number one issue of our time, after abortion and transgender reassignment surgery. Oh, and after climate change. So gun violence is the number one issue after those other number one issues. But on the subject of guns, I have been 100 percent consistent throughout my entire 75-year political career, except, of course, when I needed to run for reelection: I oppose guns that have 20, 30, 40 or even 50 clips in them. No joke! The more clips in a gun, the more dangerous it is.

No gun should have 50 clips in it, not even 30 clips. I draw the line at 19 clips in a gun—that’s the maximum number of clips that any gun should be allowed to have. There is no reason for any person to shoot more than 19 clips from his gun at any given time. So I have always opposed the NRA, which wants guns with 20 clips or more in the hands of people. I’m being serious!

And here is another thing, folks. There is a publication out there called American Greatness, even though there is nothing great about it, just like there is nothing great about America if I am not elected president. No joke! But the worst part is that they have some guy over there who keeps writing these parodies of me, and keeps treating me and my campaign like a pathetic joke. And this American Greatness keeps publishing them. Let me assure you—those parodies of me in American Greatness are completely off-base. I am not a joke, and neither is my campaign for the soul of America. I really wish that guy would stop making me into the butt of stupid jokes because of all the things I say.

That guy who writes those parodies doesn’t know a damn thing about me. I am going all the way to the White House, and all you people of North Carolina are my firewall. We are definitely winning the state of North . . . I mean, South Carolina on February 29, and that’s the God’s honest truth. And if I were to drop out, which I have no reason to, since everything is going according to my master plan, he would have no good material for his parodies.

“Aneurysms Are a Terrible Affliction”

Now, folks, it’s not just that particular publication. Some of those other right-wing publications say that me kissing my granddaughter on the lips is a little creepy. Let me tell you something: there is literally nothing creepy about it. She is my granddaughter, after all, so what can be more normal and natural than a good, gobsmacking kiss on her mouth?

By the way, if any woman out there in the audience wants a little one-on-one time with me, like, maybe, she hasn’t been kissed in a good long while, just let my staff know, and we’ll make it work. I’m serious!

Folks, I have to be honest with you here—as someone who has suffered greatly, I know how many of you feel about your medical expenses. The fact of the matter is, as a public servant since 1965, I haven’t had to worry about medical expenses, because the U.S. government has been paying for everything in my case, but that’s not really the point.

The point is, some of you probably know that I have had two brain surgeries for aneurysms. Aneurysms are a terrible affliction, but the good news is, I am now completely cured. The doctor who did the operation even told his colleagues how amazed he was when he saw my brain, during the operation. He said it was the most remarkable brain he has ever operated on, especially since he never expected to find a brain in there in the first place. So that’s proof, if you ever needed it, that I am really the smartest guy around, and that’s why I understand your anxiety about health care—nobody should be without health care, even if they don’t need any health care.

What I am trying to say is that Barack and I passed Obamacare, which was one of my biggest achievements, and you can thank me for it.

And folks, I tried to make a speech without mentioning the fact that I was Obama’s vice president, but it just isn’t possible. A Biden stump speech wouldn’t be a genuine Biden stump speech if I didn’t remind you that yes, Barack and I were in the White House for eight years, during the Biden-Obama Administration. Those eight years were the best years in the history of America, except for some other years that were even better.

Barack and I did tremendous things during those eight years, such as . . . well, we did many things, many tremendous things . . . Barack did things . . . the things that we did . . . What I mean is, Barack and I did . . . Actually, I did things, together with Barack, to make America great . . . no, never mind that . . . Me and Barack were doing things . . . those things that we did  . . . we made America gr . . . what I mean is, we made America a better place for both Americans and non-Americans. No joke!

Folks, I hate to bring up the issue of money, but I have to admit to you: things are pretty desperate. We’re running on fumes. In fact, we’re even running out of fumes, if I were being honest with you. So I know each and every one of you wants to make a donation to my campaign—and now is the perfect time. Go to my website—I can’t remember right now what it is, but I am sure you can figure it out, and give me a donation. You’ll feel much better afterwards—you have my word as a Biden on that.

Thank you, folks!

Elections

Joe Biden: I’m So Old, I Know for a Fact Where I Am Right Now!

We cannot help ourselves. Here, exclusively to American Greatness yet again, is the transcript of Joe Biden’s speech in Clinton, Iowa, on January 29, 2020.

Joe Biden: Folks, for the first time in a long time, I actually know what state I am in!  No joke! I know that people make fun of me, because most of the time I can’t remember where I am, or what I am doing there, or even how I got there. Well, let me tell you: this time, I know for an absolute fact that I am in Idaho. I mean, Iowa! Definitely Iowa! Yes, Iowa!

I asked my staff several times just before I came out on this stage, and every one of them told me: “Joe, we are 100 percent certain that we’re in Iowa today!” So that’s good enough for me—I am proud to tell you that I am in Iowa, and if I am in Iowa, that means you are in Iowa too! I give you my word as a Biden on that.  I am serious!

And folks, people keep asking me, who I am gonna pick as my VP. Let me tell you something: I can think of at least eight women, and at least four or five people of color, that I think are totally qualified to be vice president of the United States. Some of those categories overlap, by the way—some of the women are people of color, and some of the people of color are women. That’s how inclusive I want to be. No joke!

I can’t remember their names off the top of my head, but I can definitely recall their color. Names aren’t really important—what’s important is that they are people of color. And the ones who aren’t people of color are women. Wait, am I repeating myself? Maybe I am, but I am trying to make a point here.

Color Me Serious

It’s not just their color or their gender that makes them eligible to be my VP—the important thing is, they are younger than I am, and less likely to kick the bucket.  Obviously, as you all know, it’s not hard to be younger than I am—almost everyone is younger than I am. The fact of the matter is, they have to be capable of being president because I’m an old guy. I am older than almost anyone who has ever run for president, except Bernie Sanders. I am serious!

Find me somebody else who is running for president who is an octogenarian and who might check out any time! Not that I plan to—thank God I’m in great health. I work out. I’m serious! Every morning, I work out by doing pushups, as soon as I take my pills for irregular heartbeat and high cholesterol. I do more pushups in the morning than most people do all day. Most mornings, Jill is still sleeping, and I’m already on the floor of our bedroom, doing pushup after pushup. So knock on wood, as my mother would say, I probably won’t bite the big one any time soon, although you never know what’s gonna happen in the future.

No joke!

And folks, there is one thing that all of us Democrats agree on—it’s been two weeks now, and I still think that Trump’s killing Qassem Soleimani was a huge mistake. This is how world wars get started, and there is nothing that worries me more than another world war. Trump killing Soleimani was like tossing a stick of dynamite into a tinderbox! The Middle East is just ready to explode, thanks to Trump!

And whaddaya know? I was right! The Iranians went and shot down that Ukrainian airliner! Obviously, this is all Trump’s fault. When I was Barack’s vice president, the Iranians never shot down any airliners, because they knew that shooting down a Ukrainian airliner was a red line for Barack. And let me tell you, when Barack drew a red line, he really meant it, too.

And this is why I opposed the raid that killed Osama bin Laden. Well, I was against it publicly in private, but I was for it privately in public, before I was against it, and this way I was both for it and against it, but later I was all for it, once the whole operation went off without a hitch, and Obama got a huge public relations boost from it.

And did I mention that I was the vice president during the Biden-Obama Administration? I can’t remember if I mentioned this already, but I make it a point to mention it during every one of my speeches. A lot of people don’t know that I was Barack’s vice president, so it is important for me to remind everyone that, yes, I was indeed the vice president during those glory days.

Color Him Patriotic

So anyway, back to Soleimani. Soleimani was a true Iranian patriot. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe he had a few issues, but he was a revered military figure who was also an austere religious scholar, and I have a lot of respect for austere religious scholars. Well, had respect, now that Soleimani got smoked by Trump I can’t exactly say I still have it.  I even met his representatives in the White House, back when he was alive. I mean, they never said they directly represented him, they were just run-of-the-mill Islamic terrorists that we were giving money to, so they could build a representative, tolerant, democratic society in Iran.  I mean, in Iraq. Er . . . I mean, in one of those countries, I always confuse the two . . .

What I am trying to say is, they were just like diplomats, only without the proper credentials, so it was natural for me to meet with them in the White House, because I was the main foreign policy expert in the Biden-Obama Administration, and we always welcomed austere religious scholars to the White House.  Building bridges to other cultures is what foreign policy is all about, and you can be sure that when I am president, we’ll build even more bridges.

By the way, I did mention that Barack and I both worked on the foreign policy issues, right? Barack didn’t know much about foreign policy when he got elected, but I was chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which obviously made me the expert. That’s why Barack always deferred to me on all foreign policy and defense issues—because I was so smart and knowledgeable.

Honest!

Foreign policy is actually one of my strong suits. When I was a law student, somebody showed me a map of South America. Until then, I never even knew that there was another America, down there in the south. How many people here know that there is actually a North America and a South America? Oh . . . really?  You all knew that?

Well, anyway, so I took that map of South America with me everywhere, studying it for clues that I would use in my future position as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. And when I became Barack’s vice president, he relied on me to know where those South American countries were. No joke!

Color Me Seriously Serious

So when things started happening in Venezuela, I told him—Venezuela is, like, right next to Bolivia.  I’ve got friends from Bolivia, and I’ve got friends from Venezuela, and they are right next to each other.  A lot of people don’t know where Bolivia is. For that matter, a lot of people don’t know where Venezuela is. In fact, they share a long border. The fact that I could tell Barack where they are both located—on the northeastern coast of South America—is the reason I was put in charge of foreign policy in the Biden-Obama Administration.

I am serious!

And folks, enough about foreign policy. Let me tell you something about Obamacare. I supported Obamacare 123 percent. The best thing about Obamacare is all the promises that we made, that we never intended to keep.  And the reason we could do that is that I have faith in the American people. If you’ve worked and given up significant portions of your salary over the last 75 years to get a healthcare plan you like, then, in fact, you should not be forced to give it up. That’s the promise that we made.

And that’s why, when all those employers started dropping those plans, we told everyone that it wasn’t a problem at all, because all of you could now buy into Obamacare. That was the idea to begin with, and I am proud to tell you that I was the one who came up with that idea. Most of the good ideas during the Biden-Obama years were mine, in fact, but this one I am particularly proud of.

No joke!

Now, some of you are saying that your insurance costs doubled and tripled after Obamacare got passed. Folks, there is a reason for that. There was a whole bunch of people who refused to participate in Obamacare. Many young people literally didn’t want to take part in it, and that’s why premiums went up so much. But the whole idea was that everyone would participate whether they wanted to or not, and that’s why we made it so damn complicated that nobody could understand what was in it. Even I couldn’t understand what was in it, and I was the Biden-Obama Administration point man on Obamacare.

I am serious!

So what I did was this: I added a public option to the existence of Obamacare, meaning that a Medicare-like option is available if in fact you negotiated a health care plan with your employer that you like and you don’t want to have to give up like Medicare for All requires.

Er . . . what I mean is, by adding a public option which wasn’t actually available to anybody, you could now negotiate with your health plan when you didn’t want to give up a negotiated health care solution to reduce the costs, because under the plan we had those exchanges that were intended to reduce those premiums, even though the costs doubled and tripled, but that was OK.  That was the plan, even though nobody understood the plan, including me.

No joke!

What I am saying is this: under my plan, you will have to give up your plan eventually . . . just not now . . . because I still have to get elected first. The fact of the matter is, I am against private insurance, but I am also for it. And, in fact, even though costs have tripled for many people, the way I do the math, costs have gone down, and that’s the God’s honest truth. If you take the tripling of the insurance costs under Obamacare and compare it to the quadrupling of the costs that might have happened without Obamacare, then you can literally see how you are paying less now, thanks to Obamacare.

Folks, we raised a lot of money in the last quarter, but not as much as Bernie. Even Mayor Pete raised more. So I need to squeeze you all for some more money. So take out your phone, and go to . . . go to . . . on your phone, I want you to take your phone and go to . . . I want each and every one of you to use your phone to . . . . Everyone, please take out your phone and type . . . type . . . does everyone have a phone? Good . . . So make sure your phone is on, otherwise, you can’t send me money, it just won’t work. Everybody, go to BIDEN-DOT-COM, and make a donation to my campaign.

Thank you, folks!

Books & Culture

Mary, Didja Know?

 Did the Holy Mother realize how politicized her journey to Bethlehem would become?

Mary, didja know
How your journey, would be politicized?
Mary, did you know
How dumb it would get—or have you been surprised?
Didja know
SJW’s would howl outrageously,
At any public ref’rence,  to the Lord’s nativity . . . ?

Mary, didja know
How your foes would attempt to hijack the stable?
How they’d reframe the manger,
Their agendas to enable?
Didja know
How they’d preen themselves, with unselfconscious pride—
King Herod’s heirs—the justifiers of infanticide?

Mary, didja know?
No, surely not, for Gabriel stayed on topic.
Christian, just say “no”
To the provocations; don’t become myopic—
For we know
That when ancient wise men to the manger came,
They found peace past understanding—and we may do the same.

This we know.

Books & Culture

Time in a Bubble

A strange—yet predictable—pick for “Person of the Year.”

With apologies to the late, great Jim Croce.

If I could save Time from its bubble,
The first change that I’d like to make—
Is, rather than appease
Trite left-wing pieties,
Give some coverage to news that’s not fake . . . 

If I could make somebody famous,
And assert that his tale must be told—
I’d choose a young Hong Kong protestor, not some
Underage Scandinavian scold.

But it seems the editors at Time
Don’t see what they don’t wanna see:
Somethin’ blinds ’em.
Time picks a person every year,
But they’ve left relevance, I fear,
Far behind ’em . . . 

If I had to wait in a lobby,
With a Time magazine to page through,
I would rather daydream
Or read some Field and Stream
Left there since 1972 . . . 

’Cause they never seem to make the right call
To restore relevance at all—
Pathetic.
We seen it enough times to know
The bias will be un-apol-
ogetic . . . 

But if I could save Time, from its bubble . . . 

Elections

Joe Biden: A Balanced Diet Is the Key to Success!

Yet another American Greatness exclusive: The transcript of Joe Biden’s speech in Council Bluffs, Iowa, December 6, 2019.

Joe Biden: Folks, I am glad to be here, in Council Bluffs, with my “No Malarkey” bus, on the “No Malarkey” bus tour of Ohio. I mean, wait . . . what state are we in now? Ohio, right?

Oh . . . What I mean to say is, that I am glad to be here in Iowa. It’s so easy to confuse the two . . . So we’re doing a bus tour because we can’t afford to fly anymore—which is why our campaign for the soul of the nation needs your support. It would be embarrassing for me to travel the same way as ordinary people, instead of by private jet. And asking me to fly commercial is just ridiculous. So I hope that with your help, we’ll be leasing that Gulfstream VI again soon.

Now, a lot of you folks are wondering what exactly “malarkey” is. Well, folks, you are right to wonder—anybody who wasn’t born in the 19th century would wonder the same thing. Fortunately, my grandpa was, in fact, born in the 19th century, and he taught me that “malarkey” means nonsense. That’s why it says so right there, on the side of the bus. 

So when I say “No Malarkey,” that means, I am not like Trump. I am literally the opposite of Trump. I am a no-nonsense anti-Trump kind of guy. I am just like Barack, only I am black on the inside and white on the outside, and he was black on the outside and white on the inside. Er . . . No . . . Barack and I were both . . . No, what I mean is that Barack was black all over, and I am only black on the inside . . . Er . . . Never mind. The point I am trying to make is that the Biden-Barack Administration was all about the non-malarkey.

Four . . . Five . . . Six Habits of Success

Actually, that’s not the point I am trying to make. The point I am trying to make here is that Trump cares about all sorts of nonsense, like economic statistics, unemployment, job creation reports, GDP growth, stock market gains—in other words, Trump is a malarkey kind of president. I never follow economic statistics myself, precisely because they are nothing but malarkey. And I promise, when I am elected president, I will not waste any of my valuable presidential time on such things. Let Republicans worry about economic statistics—I plan to be the no-malarkey president. No joke!

Now, folks, I am not just here to talk about malarkey. I am also here in Wyoming to talk about the Biden-Barack Administration, and when not talking about Barak and I, I want to talk about good eating habits. You’ve probably heard about the book The Five Habits of Successful People, right? Or was it eight habits . . . ? Or four habits . . . ? No, four is too few, it’s gotta be more than four habits. Maybe it’s six habits . . .

Anyway, as I was saying, a healthy body leads to a healthy mind—and my mind is healthier than ever, and that’s the God’s honest truth! 

And some of you probably saw that video of me munching on my wife’s fingers, and thought to yourselves “Oh . . . My . . . God! Isn’t that a little creepy?” Well, folks, I am here to tell you: No, it is not. Absolutely not. Not creepy at all. I am serious!

The fact of the matter is, chewing on other people’s fingers can be very stimulating—Jill and I often do it. It literally connects us with our past, when people ate other people. My grandpa used to talk about that, and that’s no malarkey. There is absolutely nothing wrong with eating other people, especially if some of them are no longer alive. Many cultures approve of cannibalism, and it’s about time we in America saw the wisdom of culinary diversity as well—which is why I decided to demonstrate in public how you can start to improve your dietary habits by munching on someone’s fingers, and go from there. 

Human meat, I should tell you, is low in cholesterol and high in Omega-3 fish oil, because humans at one point in the past, a few thousand years ago, were actually swimming in the ocean like fish. That’s why human meat is so nutritious—all that protein and Omega 3. No joke!

The only thing I don’t recommend, if you plan to change your culinary habits, is eating someone’s brain. If you eat another person’s brain, it might lead to some undesirable health consequences, like the Kuru disease they had in Papua New Guinea. Which is why I’ve always declined when someone would offer me another person’s brain to eat.

Is Trump a Cannibal? Look, Fat . . .

Now, folks, one of the problems with the Trump Administration is that they don’t support healthy eating habits in Americans. A presidential candidate has to lead by example—and have you ever seen Trump munching on another man’s body parts? No, you haven’t. The fact of the matter is, Trump is just not one of us, is what I am saying.

And this brings me to another problem with many Iowa voters and their poor eating habits. Many of you are fat. Too fat. At least 40 percent of you are—let’s face it—bloated. And this is not right. You look pitiful. That you are so fat is indicative of not only your poor eating habits, but also poor exercise habits. I am serious!

For example, I can do at least 900 pushups, and that’s the God’s honest truth. My word as a Biden! I can do them right now, for example, if I were in the privacy of my own hotel room. I challenge every one of you fat Iowa people to do more pushups than me. How many of you Iowa fatsos can do 900 pushups? I bet, not one. I’ll be honest with you, folks—I look at some of the fat slobs here, in this room, and I am revolted. Do some exercises, for chrissakes! Stop piggin’ out on fatty food! I am being serious here!

I started doing pushups back in the 1970s, after I saw the “Jane Fonda Workout” video. I used to watch that video every day, in my Senate office. The way those hips of hers moved . . . especially when she was doing that thing on the floor, thrusting her hips up . . . Let me tell you, it’s a good thing that Jane Fonda is a Democrat, because I sure would hate to find out that Hanoi Jane was a closet Republican!

Folks, you probably know by now that our next debate is going to be an all-white affair, not counting the one Native American on the stage. Frankly, it’s a good thing. I don’t have to defend myself against that annoying hypocrite Kamala Harris. I don’t have to worry about Tulsi. Now, Tulsi . . . I admit, she’s pretty hot. I don’t know about you, folks, but I sure would love to give her a little back rub . . . But, she won’t be there either. That loser Castro won’t be there—I sure as hell won’t miss him. And Booker . . . Now, Booker is a rarity for a black guy—he is an articulate, well-spoken black guy. I haven’t met too many of those in my life—in fact, Barack was the only other black dude who was nice and clean and articulate. So it will really help me in the next debate, that the competition is so weak.

No Joke: The Best Hairy Legs

And folks, let me tell you something else you probably didn’t know about me. Back in the 1950s, when I was a lifeguard at that Delaware pool, I had an encounter with an imaginary gangster named Corn Pop. He may have been imaginary, but he was one gigantic black motherf—–r. Still, as soon as he saw me and my confident attitude, he ran off with his tail between his legs—and I had the pool all to myself. Because little kiddies used to swim in that pool. I am serious!

You see, folks, I have really hairy legs. No joke! I also have really hairy ears and a hairy nose, but we’re just talking about my hairy legs for now. When I was working as a lifeguard, those little kiddies would come over and sit on my lap, and together we would watch the hairs on my legs go blond from the sun. And they would rub my legs, which was the most natural thing in the world. Sometimes I would have a little girl rub the inside of my left thigh, and a little boy would rub the inside of my right thigh, and it just felt really good. If you’ve never tried it, I highly recommend it. Although usually they did it when their parents weren’t watching, for some reason . . .

In fact, that lifeguard gig paid almost nothing—but I wasn’t in it for the money. I was in it as a public service to the community, and for the sheer satisfaction of watching those little kiddies, when they would take a dip in the pool, and then come over and rub my thighs. No joke!

Folks, if you have your phone with you, you should go to J-1-2-3 on your phone, and donate money to my campaign. It used to be J-O-E-3-3-0-3-3, but that was too many letters and numbers, and I just couldn’t remember them all. Then it was J-O-E-1-2-3, but I still couldn’t remember the letter part of it. So now we are down to just J-1-2-3, which even I can remember, especially if I have my record player on. So go ahead, don’t be shy—go to J-1-2-3 on your phone, and give me 50 bucks. I am being serious!

Thank you, folks!

Elections

Nancy Pelosi at Prayer

As the Speaker of the House explains, “I pray for the president all the time.” Here’s what she might say.

Our Heavenly Father, your humble servant, Nancy Pelosi, thanks You for allowing me to be elected to Congress and against all odds to become Speaker of the House. In that powerful role, I approach your Throne of Grace, as I do all the time, to pray for our president, Donald Trump.

Our Father, help the president of the United States as he faces the impeachment proceedings your servant Nancy has just ordered to proceed. Father, help him get through the hearings held by my Democrat colleague Jerrold Nadler of the House Judiciary Committee.  

Please help all the witnesses tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Help Chairman Nadler to expose any falsehoods for what they are. 

Thank you, our Father, for helping our president get through the hearings held by my colleague Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee. Forgive Adam, our Father, for making up a statement by the president that wasn’t true, and for blocking questions and witnesses requested by Republicans on the committee. Make your everlasting mercy known to all parties, and make the truth prevail.

Heavenly Father, help President Trump as he confronts hostile regimes such as North Korea, China, and Iran. Guide our president in the ways of wisdom and peace. 

Heavenly Father, help President Trump keep us safe from terrorist attacks at home and abroad. Help him rid our country of violent MS-13 gang members. Help him build the wall that will keep criminals and terrorists out of our country. Help him keep out the dangerous narcotics that are claiming the lives of so many of our young people. 

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for what President Trump has done for the American economy. Help him, I pray, to keep the economy strong, so more of our people can get the jobs they need to provide for their families. 

Merciful Father, forgive President Trump for his misguided tweets and his past indiscretions. I pray that you keep the president, First Lady Melania, and the rest of his family safe from harm. And forgive all those who express hatred toward President Trump and his family. May they instead have a heart full of love, as You taught me since childhood.  

Thank you, merciful Father, for hearing the prayer of your humble servant. In Nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti. Amen. 

Elections

Mr. Vindman’s—Whoops, Lt. Colonel Vindman’s—Opening Statement

A “transcript” in the spirit of committee chairman Adam Schiff’s understanding of the term, from the House Intelligence Committee on November 19, 2019.

Mr. Chairman and Ranking Member, thank you for the opportunity to address the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence with respect to the activities relating to Ukraine and my role in the events under investigation. In particular, Chairman Schiff, I want to express my appreciation to you for your selfless efforts over the past several years to expose the crimes that never took place, committed by the commander-in-chief I supposedly serve.

Mr. Chairman, if I may say so, I consider you the single most honest and ethical individual to ever sit in that chair. You have proven your honesty and fairness time and time again over the past three years. If I could literally kiss your posterior right at this second, I would. Unfortunately, rules of decorum at this hearing prevent me from doing so.

Background

I am a lieutenant colonel in the United States Army. That means I am above a major, but not quite a colonel. I am hoping that once this whole little impeachment kerfuffle is over, my contribution will be appreciated, and they’ll make me a full-bird colonel.

Since 2008, I have been a foreign area officer specializing in European and Eurasian politico-military affairs. I served in the United States embassies in Kyiv, Ukraine and Moscow, Russia. I have observed many things while there. For example, the women in Russia are just as beautiful as the women in Ukraine, but the young women in Ukraine are friendlier, especially when I would put on my uniform and tell them that I am an American military officer.

My Ukrainian hosts were so impressed with me, that on three separate occasions they asked me to be the Ukrainian minister of defense, even though I was only a captain at the time. However, I told them that unless they made me commander-in-chief of all Ukrainian forces, I preferred to remain in the U.S. Army.

At the National Security Council, I am the principal advisor to the national security advisor and the president on Ukraine. My role at the NSC is to develop, coordinate, and implement plans and policies to manage the full range of diplomatic, military, and economic issues for Ukraine.

Specifically, given my personal experience with Ukrainians of every gender, appearance, and persuasion, I play a very important role in developing the “interagency consensus” on Ukraine. That interagency consensus is the product of many memos written by a number of officials at the level of deputy assistant to the deputy undersecretary in the respective agencies, though most of them are not as important or as informed as I am. In fact, after many months of working with those deputy assistants to the deputy undersecretary, I have reached the conclusion that I am more knowledgeable about most things than they are.

In other words, when it comes to our policy in Ukraine, I am the policy. I collate the memos from the respective agencies after they finalized, and I decide what the interagency policy consensus on Ukraine should be, and then I interface with people responsible for implementation of my policies, to verify that the interagency policy consensus is implemented in a manner that I consider most effective.

Relevant Events

In the Spring of 2019, I became aware of two disruptive actors, neither of whom asked for or received my counsel on matters in which I was expert. These were primarily Ukraine’s then-Prosecutor General Yuri Lutsenko and former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, President Trump’s personal attorney. It is important to note that Mr. Giuliani has no business meddling in affairs that he knows nothing about, even if the president instructed him to be involved.

Ukraine policy is firmly and squarely within my purview—and regardless of what President Trump may have told Mr. Giuliani, he should have come to me first with any concerns, and I would have directed him properly.

As explained earlier, neither President Trump nor Mr. Giuliani has the authority to change the Ukraine policy without my prior approval. Instead of channeling all Ukraine policy through me, as Mr. Giuliani should have done and as the president should have instructed him to do, he was, in fact, undermining my Ukraine policy even as I was implementing it, by saying things at the president’s direction that ran counter to my Ukraine policy.

The talented people at the NSC and its inter-agency partners, including the State Department, grew increasingly concerned that the president did not share my policy objectives, or had a different view of my policy objectives. This was unacceptable. There were times when he even made statements that called into question my priorities on Ukraine. It was a universally held view on the under-sub-assistant deputy director level within the interagency community (which is also my own level) that President Trump should not be allowed to implement foreign policy as he sees fit, and that such policy should be left in the hands of experts, among whom I am the leading expert.

April 21, 2019: President Trump Calls Ukraine President Zelensky

On April 21, 2019, President Trump called President Zelensky to congratulate him for his election victory. I was the NSC staff officer who produced the materials in preparation for the call. I loaded paper into the printer, made sure there was toner in the printer, made sure the font was Calibri 14 point, printed out the document, and stapled the pages together. I used a Swingline® stapler from Staples® to do that. I then placed them into a folder, put a label on the folder, and delivered the folder to the assistant to President Trump’s secretary through interoffice mail.

It is clear that without my input, President Trump would not have known to congratulate President Zelensky, and would have talked about something else instead. Thankfully, given the thorough preparation that I provided to the president, President Trump did, in fact, congratulate President Zelensky, and my foreign policy objectives were safe for the moment. All of us in the interagency foreign policy community breathed a sigh of relief, and many people wanted to congratulate me on the thoroughness of my preparation.

May 2019: Inauguration Delegation Goes to Ukraine

In May, I attended the inauguration of President Zelensky as part of the presidential delegation led by Secretary Perry. After our return, President Trump signed a congratulatory letter to President Zelensky and extended an invitation to visit the White House.

This, of course, was entirely my idea.

Once again, I prepared the materials, including loading the paper into the printer and checking the toner. Selecting the right font and font size was also a critical step in the process. I also handed the president the pen, which he used to sign the letter.

Without my input, President Trump himself never would have thought of inviting a foreign leader to the White House, and might have forgotten to sign the letter, had I not given him the pen. Once again, the interagency foreign policy community, particularly the members of the community at the under-sub-assistant deputy director level, were happy that I showed initiative at that critical moment.

July 10, 2019: Danylyuk Visit

On July 10, 2019, Oleksandr Danylyuk, then Ukraine’s national security advisor, visited Washington, D.C. for a meeting with National Security Advisor John Bolton. Ambassadors Kurt Volker and Gordon Sondland and Secretary Rick Perry attended the meeting. I brought coffee to all the participants. When one of the visitors wanted a chocolate chip cookie with his coffee, and another wanted a croissant, I was the one who handled this critical task.

I can’t tell you what was discussed at the meeting, because I was busy during the meeting doing the important work of procuring the cookies, croissants, and the coffee, but I know that following this meeting, there was a short debriefing during which Ambassador Sondland emphasized the importance of Ukraine delivering the investigations into the pro-Hillary 2016 election interference.

I told Ambassador Sondland that this was inappropriate and had nothing to do with national security—the 2016 election was over, the result was not what I and many of my colleagues expected, and given my own strong disagreements with the American voters’ choice, I did not want Ukraine’s role exposed in that whole debacle. It is well known that Ukraine’s then-President Poroshenko was doing everything he could to help Hillary Clinton win the election, and prolonged public exposure of these facts could result in the loss of bipartisan support for Ukraine.

Following the meeting, I had decided to report my disagreements with the president’s Ukraine policy to the NSC’s lead counsel, Mr. John Eisenberg, given that the president not only had failed to consult me but evidently he insisted on consulting others, who were not as well-versed in Ukrainian policy as I was. I informed Mr. Eisenberg that I considered it unacceptable that the President was interfering with my handling of the Ukraine policy and of issues relating to Ukraine.

July 25, 2019: Parliamentary Election Call

On July 21, 2019, President Zelensky’s party won parliamentary elections in another landslide victory. The NSC proposed that President Trump call President Zelensky to congratulate him. On July 25, 2019, the call occurred.

After repeated requests, I was allowed to listen in on the call in the Situation Room with other White House staffers. I was concerned by the call, and in my expert judgment, I felt that what I heard was improper. I, therefore, reported my concerns to Mr. Eisenberg, again stressing my view that the president should not be making Ukraine policy, given that I was the designated expert on all things Ukraine.

As I told Mr. Eisenberg, it is not the job of the president to demand things from that foreign government without first clearing the idea with me. It is improper for the president to demand Ukraine investigate interference in our elections, particularly where that same government was involved in that interference in the first place, as in this case.

It was also clear to me that if Ukraine pursued an investigation into the 2016 election, the Bidens, and Burisma, Ukraine almost certainly would uncover a great deal of compromising information on the Bidens. This was clearly not an outcome that the interagency working group on Ukraine wanted to see, given that the Biden candidacy was already struggling in July. I also felt that the president should have consulted me before mentioning these things to Ukrainian officials. At a minimum, such demands should have gone through me, and not be stated directly by President Trump to President Zelensky. Had the president done what he is supposed to do and talked to me first, I would have made sure that none of this ever made it past my desk.

I want to emphasize to the committee that when I reported my concerns—on July 10, relating to Ambassador Sondland, and on July 25, relating to the president—I did so out of a sense of justified self-importance. Following each of my reports to Mr. Eisenberg, I immediately returned to work to advance my foreign policy objectives. I continue to do so, and thanks to my tireless efforts, our Ukraine policy remains on track.

Conclusion

I want to take a moment to recognize the courage of my colleagues who have appeared and are scheduled to appear before this committee, as well as the courage of those who don’t want to appear. I especially want to recognize the whistleblower, whom I have known for many years, and with whom I have discussed the proper Ukraine policy on many occasions, as well as how we should implement that policy, despite the president’s silly orders to the contrary.

After I shared the details of the July 25 phone call with the whistleblower, we both agreed that there was only one way forward—he had to first contact this committee, and with the committee’s help, write a whistleblower report to the inspector general, citing anonymous “U.S. intelligence officials,” expressing his concerns about the president.  Obviously, Eric couldn’t mention me by name, but we fully expected that it would be a bombshell—and my presence here confirms that it was.

Thank you again for your consideration, and I would be happy to any answer questions from the Democratic members of this committee.

Elections

The Whistleblower and Me

Late Thursday night, after waking from my second post-turkey nap, my cell phone rang. The caller ID came up as “Unknown Number,” but I had a feeling I knew who it was and that I better take detailed notes. Here is a more-or-less accurate recounting of the conversation.

Whistleblower: Hey, man. Sorry for calling so late, but I had to talk to somebody . . . and my lawyer’s at Disney World.

Me: Saw the picture he posted with his arm around Minnie Mouse. Looks like fun.

WB: Oh, is that what it’s called?

Me: I thought you two were buddies. What’s the problem?

WB: I’m the Whistleblower, dammit. Where’s my fun? It’s like I’m under house arrest. Don’t do this. Don’t do that. Stay off the phone. Which reminds me! This call never happened . . .

Me: No problem.

WB: And want to know the worst part?

Me: What’s that?

WB: Nobody even knows who I am. It’d be nice to get a little name recognition now and then.

Me: People know your name.

WBRight. Like Adam Schiff? I’ve never seen such a phony . . . Wait a minute. Yes, I have. John Brennan! Losers on “America Idol” are treated to better than I am.

Me: Really?

WB: The level of B.S. you would not believe . . . OK, Brennan promised he’d get me a date with Azra Turk.

Me: Who’s that?

WB: Some smokin’ hot agent they used to set up George Papadopoulos.

Me: And?

WB: Still waiting . . . What woman would go out with somebody called “the Whistleblower”? Plus, I was supposed to be the star witness. Remember? And look who Schiff brings in. George freakin’ Kent, the bow-tie guy! Marie Yovanovitch, who couldn’t even cry on cue! And Vindman. What a dork!

Me: I’d watch out for him.

WBCome on . . . He’s got an identical twin brother. Can you imagine the two of them in the same room?

Me: Sounds like Devin Nunes’ worst nightmare.

WB: Everyone knows that should’ve been me.

Me: So what happened?

WB: Ready for this? Schiff’s writing a screenplay about the impeachment and doesn’t want me saying anything until it’s sold . . . Says he needs me for “context.”

MeWhat? 

WB: Hollywood’s in his district, and he thinks he’s Quentin Tarantino. You hear his rewrite of Trump’s phone call with Zelensky?

Me: Yeah. That was bad.

WB: Seriously, Schiff makes up everything . . . I mean everything. Calling me “the Whistleblower” was his idea. He’s afraid if my name gets out, I’ll start talking and ruin his movie deal.

Me: He’s got it all figured out.

WB: Not quite. I’m hiring Alan Dershowitz to do a collaboration agreement. And if Schiff doesn’t sign it, we’re through.

Me: He knows that?

WB: I told him yesterday, and, boy, was he pissed!

Me: You should be careful.

WBScrew him. If it hadn’t been for me, who’d be talking about impeaching Trump? And forget about a movie.

Me: Look, I hate bringing this up . . .

WB: What?

Me: It sounds to me like you’re Schiff’s hostage. That doesn’t bother you?

WB: Why should it? I’ve got the goods.

Me: You ever see that movie, “The Player”?

WB: Never have.

Me: Watch it.

WB: No Netflix in this dump? Schiff’s too cheap.

Me: Got to be the ultimate Hollywood murder mystery. The motive’s a screenplay.

WB: You kidding?

Me: And the murder weapon is a rattlesnake.

WB: Well, I have protection 24/7. Got a bodyguard named Darnell, who used to play for the Oakland Raiders.

Me: Schiff hire him?

WB: Think he’s parttime with the DNC . . .

Me: Is he there now?

WB: I sent him to Popeye’s to pick up dinner. Uber Eats won’t even deliver Chinese carryout in this neighborhood.

Me: Hmmm . . .

WB: Darnell’s OK. But he should’ve been back by now.

Me: You know for a guy with the agency, you haven’t been thinking this through.

WB: I’m telling you it’s being cooped up in this place . . . I’ve got a nice condo in Georgetown . . . Why do I need to be in Baltimore?

MeBaltimore? What the hell are you doing there?

WB: Schiff says . . . Wait a minute. Somebody’s at the door. Must be Darnell with my chicken sandwich. Hope he didn’t forget the Cajun fries . . . Damn, it’s Vindman! . . . And his twin brother!  . . . What’s goin’ on? . . . Where’s Darnell? . . .

Click.

Elections

Joe Biden: Unfiltered, Unchained, Uncut, Unplugged!

Another American Greatness exclusive: The transcript of Joe Biden’s speech to supporters in Des Moines, Iowa, November 15, 2019.

Joe Biden: Folks, I am delighted to be here in Idaho with you once again. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please hold your applause until the end—I know you really love applauding me every chance you get, but I have a lot to say, and we can’t afford the interruptions. But . . . if you really want to applaud, go ahead, it’s fine, I like it when you applaud me. Thank you, thank you!

I tell you what . . . It was worth the trip here, just to hear that applause—I don’t get it many other places, so it’s really music to my ears, when somebody applauds me. So just keep applauding for as long as you like—this is why I come to Idaho in the first place, folks!

I have really good news for the people of Idaho: this time, I brought my brain with me, so there is no stopping me now. I am in rare form today! All those neurons I’ve got up here, in my head—they’ve never been as active as they are today! I am being serious here! I literally, for the first time in a long time, plugged my brain into the recharger, and I’m just rarin’ to go! I am definitely ready to go all the way to the White House! 

Folks, I tell you what . . . after almost 80 years in politics, this is what I’ve learned: the power of the human mind is simply remarkable. Especially of the American mind, which is different from all other minds in its character. Ours is a character born of conviction, forged in the fires of . . . the fires of . . . the . . . aahh . . . er . . . fires . . . The mind can do things . . . er . . . things that can . . . American things . . . Never mind. Yeah . . .

What I am trying to say, and this is no joke, is that Americans are looking for an experienced, thoughtful, middle-class guy to sit in the Oval Office. An Average Joe, sure—but someone really, really smart. That’s me. They don’t call me Middle-Class Joe The Brain for nothing. 

In fact, throughout my Senate career, everyone always called me The Brain, because I’ve always been known for my superior intelligence. They started calling me Middle-Class Joe later, after I bought my second beach house . . . Er . . . I meant, the first beach house, my second house isn’t really a beach house, it’s just a house near Washington, in a nice area, and it was only $6 million, which is very modest. 

The Most Amazing Experience of My Life

So I just want the record to reflect that I didn’t actually buy a second beach house, I bought a first beach house, and the other second house doesn’t count at all. . . What I am trying to say is that it isn’t a beach house. And it is completely false to suggest that I bought two beach houses after I retired from public service, because only the second one that I bought is a proper beach house, and the big one I own in Virginia reminds me of the White House, with all those crystal chandeliers, and it’s not that far from the White House either, and that’s why I bought it, ’cause I figured, what the hell, I deserve it.

The fact of the matter is, I’ve been there, in the Oval Office. Many times. I sat on the couch there, with Barack. It’s a really nice couch, by the way. And as I’ve said before, I’ve been intimate with many presidents, at least three that I can remember, and, who knows, maybe a few other presidents that I’ve been intimate with, but can’t recall their names off the top of my head. 

So as I was saying, and this is no joke, Barack and I would often sit on the couch together, talk about important stuff and hold hands, although we don’t often talk about that fact, because people might find it a bit odd that a black dude and a white dude would be sitting on a couch in the Oval Office holding hands. What I am trying to say is that it was perfectly normal for Barack and I to hold hands, because who wouldn’t want to hold hands with me? I am serious! 

But I remember how I would look into Barack’s eyes at those moments, and it was just . . . the most amazing experience of my life. And of his life, too, I am sure. I know he felt the same way. Until, of course, Michele walked in and broke the spell. 

But I can see why Barack didn’t want to take photos of that special moment, ‘cause it might have sent the wrong message, although now that I think about it, I wish we had some photos where Barack and I are holding hands. It would sure help my campaign messaging, what with Barack not endorsing me and those evil Congressional Republicans talking about my son, Hunter. 

Not that I am bitter or anything, I can see why Barack doesn’t want to endorse me, and, in fact, I asked him myself not to endorse me, if you can believe that, and that’s the God’s honest truth, but the important thing is that in the Biden-Obama Administration, we sure did things differently. I can see it all clearly, now that all my brain cells are firing more or less at the same time. No joke!

Occasionally, Barack would sit behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, and I would sit on the couch. And I would talk, and Barack would listen to my thoughts. Barack really valued my advice, you’d better believe it. Barack would literally nod his head whenever I would say something—and that’s how I know that my counsel was the single most valuable thing, in the Biden-Obama Administration. 

In point of fact, and I want to be clear about this, that’s how Barack and I became the intellectual juggernaut that we were, during those twelve years of the Biden-Obama Administration—me giving him advice, and him listening and nodding. Barack and I were the unstoppable intellectual steamroller that really changed America, especially when Barack did what I told him to do, like not going after Osama bin Laden.

What’s the Plural of Moose?

And folks, it is time we had a real conversation about guns. I want you to know—and this is the God’s honest truth—that I don’t know a damn thing about guns. But what I do know is that we need to ban them. Guns have bullets in them. Bullets, as we all know, are dangerous. Bullets go in one end, and come out the other, and this is not how it’s supposed to be. What I mean is, I don’t know why bullets come out of guns, because nobody ever explained to me how guns work. 

For some reason, guns make bullets fly really fast, and nobody has the foggiest idea of why that happens. All I really know is what I saw in the movies—you pull that little thing with your finger, the one that’s on the bottom of the gun, and. . . bang! No joke! And that’s just not right.

The fact of the matter is, guns are dangerous even without bullets. I mean, did you know there are guns that don’t shoot bullets, but shoot those other little things? The truth is, we have made a lot of progress over the years, when it comes to taking guns away from people and making America safer for criminals . . . er . . . I mean, wait, what did I just say? . . . Never mind, here is what I am trying to say, because this is literally no joke, so I want to go on the record here, and tell you that the job is never done, and that fight is never over, because people are coming up with new guns all the time. 

And folks, I’ve seen what guns can do, because I just saw the latest “Terminator,” and that whole old-badass-chick/young-badass-chick/teenage-badass-chick dynamic really got me excited . . . er . . . but in a wholesome and very appropriate way. Yeah . . . What I wouldn’t give to give all three of them a really nice back rub . . . but we are not here to talk about that, we are here to talk about guns. 

Did you see that big gun Sarah Connor had? That gun is not the kind of gun children should be playing with. And does anybody know how it works? Why does it keep shooting and shooting? Is that really possible? I didn’t even know you could do that . . . Right . . . Never mind . . . 

Here is the deal: we need to talk about the fact that some people put 100 clips into a single magazine—and folks, there is absolutely no reason to have 100 clips in a magazine. Even 99 clips in a single magazine is too many. These military-style magazines don’t belong on American streets, and when I am president, I will ban them. No more 100-clip magazines, ever!

The fact of the matter is, the only people who should have guns are the people who protect me from the deplorables. Like my bodyguards. Nobody else should have a gun. OK, maybe we’ll make an allowance for hunters. They can keep those guns with the rotating thingy. Like the one Clint Eastwood had in those Western movies. You know what I am talking about, right? That thingy that you put bullets in, and it spins. So if a hunter wants to hunt moose with that gun, that’s fine with me. Or even two mooses. Wait. . . What’s the plural of moose? Is it mooses? Or meese..? Or mice..? I think it’s mooses, but I am not really sure now. . . Am I going nuts here? I don’t think so. . . No, no way—I am definitely not going nuts. Not going nuts, period. I know that for a fact!

I Can See How That Maybe Looked a Little Weird . . .

I tell you what, folks: we also have to talk about the impeachment of Donald Trump. The fact of the matter is, there is literally no other option now. Well, actually there are many other options, but the only one we want to talk about is that one. Yes, we’ve got to impeach. The Constitution requires us to do so, because. . . well. . . it just does. Impeachment is the constitutional remedy when we have a president whom we hate as much as we hate Trump. No joke!

I have to be honest with you about another thing, folks: there are some firefighters present here today, in this room. These are wonderful men and women who fight fires because they are firefighters. It’s a tough union job—fighting fires. That’s why we call them firefighters—because they fight fires. And I’ve always supported fires. Er . . . I mean, I’ve always supported fighting fires. And the people who fight fires, I’ve always supported them, too. I am being serious here! 

And this reminds me of how I went to South Africa to see Nelson Mandela, when I was Barack’s vice president. I was very upset about what was happening with Nelson Mandela, and so I asked him if he wanted to join the Congressional Black Caucus. And he said, “Yes, Joe, of course, I will join, if you will join.” So we both joined the Congressional Black Caucus—and then we both got arrested literally as soon as we got off the plane in Philadelphia, because for an old white dude like me, to join the Congressional Black Caucus in 1963 was a very serious offense. No joke!

So after me and Nelson Mandela got off the plane, I went to see Jill, and I said to her “Jill, I’m only gonna ask you one more time, and that’s it. No more second chances for you, because I want you to know—I’ve been keeping my options open for my future vice-presidential career, and I need a wife who looks the part and will not embarrass me. And I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think you’re just the girl I’ve been looking for.”

And you know what? She said “yes”, as I knew she would. Because I had two sons, Beau and Hunter, and, well, you know that Beau died, but then Hunter hooked up with Beau’s wife, picking up where Beau left off, and. . . well. . . OK, yeah, I can see how that maybe looked a little weird . . . But Hallie was lonely, and Hunter was lonely, and they both needed someone, so why not each other? 

And Hunter was going to marry Beau’s wife, except that she wasn’t his wife anymore, what with Beau being dead, but then he met a wildlife enthusiast from South Africa, and she sure knew lots about the wildlife, so they had some pretty wild times together, and she dumped her boyfriend, and he dumped Hallie, and they got married ten days later, and that, folks, is the Biden way! Thank you! Thank you!

I see my time is up, so if you have your phone, you should go to J-O-E-1-2-3 on your phone, and donate money to my campaign. It used to be J-O-E-3-3-0-3-3, but that was too many letters and numbers, and I just couldn’t remember them all, especially the first part. J-O-E-1-2-3 is simpler to remember. Go ahead, folks, you can do that right now. No need to wait. I am being serious!

Thank you, folks!

Elections

‘I am So Confused . . . I am Being Completely Serious!’

An American Greatness exclusive: The transcript of Joe Biden’s speech to supporters in Des Moines, Iowa, November 10, 2019.

Joe Biden: It is a really great to return to Des Moines. I’ve always loved being here, in the great state of Indiana, where the American auto industry was born. But we are not here in Des Moines, Ohio to talk about the auto industry. We are here to talk about Donald Trump. We talk about Trump all the time, and this is a perfect time to talk about him some more.

So folks, let me be clear now: when Trump said after Charlottesville that there were, and I quote, “very fine people on both sides,” I said . . . I said . . . I don’t know what I said, but I definitely said something, and it was on TV!

OK, now I remember. Here is what I said: “We cannot give license and safe harbor to white supremacists and Nazis and the Klu Klux Klan!” And do you know why I said that? It is because as a young man, I fought the Nazis and the Klan!

Seventy-five years ago, I landed with our troops on the beaches of Normandy, under withering machine gun fire—and I remember it like it was yesterday. The Nazis were firing machine-gun bullets at me, from unlicensed machine guns! And those Nazi bullets were bigger than my bullets. I didn’t know a thing about bullets, except that it’s better to have big bullets than little bullets. But it was really scary, but not as scary as being almost 80 years old now, and to have nothing to do with my life, except run for president.

I am being serious!

Folks, I remember how many years later, after my landing at Normandy, when I worked at the community pool, I had to face T-Bone, and I had no fear of T-Bone. I knew that there was nothing to fear but fear itself, because that’s what Franklin D. Roosevelt told me as I watched him on TV back in 1929. Even though, I have to be completely honest with you now, that fear I felt did feel pretty frightening, because T-bone was a really tough dude. No, wait . . . I think I’ve got my imaginary friends confused here . . . Didn’t Senator Booker have T-Bone? Right. He did. He had T-bone, and I had Corn Bread. I mean, Corn Pop. No joke!

And this reminds me: When I was just a 10-year-old kid, my daddy and I were walking down the street, and we saw two dudes. And those two dudes were French kissing each other. It sure seemed like a lot of passion was going on there, between those two dudes.

I thought that was pretty unusual, so I asked my daddy: “Dad, I am not a homophobe or an Islamophobe, in fact, I fully support gay marriage, and I don’t even mind if my waiter is gay or Indian, and I don’t even care if he is both gay and Indian, but, Dad, what the hell are those two dudes doing?”

And my daddy said to me: “Son, they love each other. This is not the 19th century anymore—we are living in enlightened times now, it’s the 1920s, after all. So it is perfectly normal for two dudes who feel love and passion for each other to be kissing each other in public, and to engage in consensual sexual intercourse and various other consensual acts in private.”

Now, I was only 10 years old at the time, so I didn’t fully appreciate what exactly they might be doing in private, but, from what my daddy said, I figured, it sure sounded like fun. I thought that it might even be something I might try myself, when I was a little bit older.

Folks, let me get to my point here. I know what a lot of you are thinking right now: why does Joe Biden always wear aviator shades? There is a reason why. Those aviator shades make me look way cooler than I really am. I put on those aviator sunglasses, and I feel like a Master of the Universe. I feel like Tom Cruise. When I put those sunglasses on, I feel like I am a Top Gun pilot flying that Navy F-something-or-other. The one they call the Hellcat. Or maybe the Bobcat. That one.

So, being a Master of the Universe, I have to tell you: we all have to rely on the wisdom of our parents. I learned a lot from my daddy. I remember another time when I was 10 years old, and he and I were walking down the street in Delaware, back when Woodrow Wilson was president, and I asked him: “Dad, is that a man or a woman over there?” And my daddy said to me: “Son, that is a transgendered person who was born a man but now self-identifies as a woman, and that is why xe now puts on makeup, because xe wants to look attractive to members of the opposite sex, such as women who self-identify as men.”

This all sounded completely natural to me, because my daddy was a very wise man, and what can be more natural than a man who says that he is a woman and wants to look good to women who are actually men? In fact, folks, the single biggest issue facing America today is which pronoun to use in which situation, given that we know there are at least three genders out there. Period.

But let me get back to Chappaquiddick . . . I mean, to Charlottesville. I got sidetracked a bit there . . . The fact of the matter is, this is all about the Klan. No joke!

The world was stunned to learn that Trump likes the Klan. Trump has probably been a member of the Klan his whole life, even though he’s been hiding it pretty well. I know this because back in the day, in the 1960s, me and Senator Talmadge and Senator Eastman would get together late at night, have a few drinks, smoke some cigars, and talk shop.

Now, me and ol’ Senators Talmadge and Eastman didn’t always see eye to eye on everything, at least not 100 percent. For example, they liked dark ties, and I preferred more colorful ones. But I learned to work with them, because they were the best that the Democratic Party had to offer. They hated busing, and I hated busing. They hated Lyndon Baines Johnson, and I hated Lyndon Baines Johnson. Or . . . er . . . I didn’t really hate Johnson, more like, disliked him intensely, but we found a way to bridge our differences, especially when it came to rights for the n . . . what I mean is, we talked and . . . I wrote letters to them, asking for their help because all of us wanted to kill busing and . . . well . . .

What am I talking about here?

I am talking about federally mandated school busing, which I was against, as opposed to locally mandated school busing, which I was for . . . well . . . I didn’t actually support it, but I wasn’t opposed to it either. I was for it before I was against it, just like Talmadge and Eastman were against it before they were for it, even though they were never actually for it, and it is racist to oppose it . . . I mean it is not racist to oppose the one kind of mandated busing, but it is racist to oppose the other kind of mandated busing . . . Right.

This is serious!

The fact of the matter is, they were fine people, both of them. Senators Talmadge and Eastman were great men, and great senators. Well, except for a few things they occasionally said about the n . . . people of color. And both Talmadge and Eastman would often say to me, back in 1962: “My God, Biden, if we had Donald Trump on board with us, we could do anything!”

“Son,” James Eastman would tell me, “son, when you grow up, and you’re no longer the junior senator from a tiny state, you want to be just like Trump. And that’s the God’s honest truth!”

That is why Trump wants African American people to focus on insignificant things, like the lowest unemployment in history, and wages rising like never before. The God’s honest truth is that he is doing all this ’cause he wants to put you all chains—and this reminds me again of those two dudes kissing in Delaware, because they probably had a few chains back in their house, and . . . er . . . right, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with that . . . er . . . no, it is definitely wrong if it isn’t consensual.

You can probably imagine what was going on there, with all the chains but as long as it was consensual, I was fine with it, and I should probably add that I’ve used some chains from time to time myself, but not like Trump . . . If I use chains, I do it lovingly, and not like a racist would use chains. No joke!

And remember when Dr. King got assassinated in the 1980s? Well, son of a bitch, it sure looks like Trump could have done that, too! I’ve always suspected that Trump was the gunman on the grassy knoll.

I am being completely serious here!

We’re in a battle for the soul of this nation. That is a great phrase—I came up with it myself. And that’s primarily why I’m running for president. I can’t really think of any other reasons to run for president, so this is as good as any.

Folks, Chappaquiddick was no isolated incident. Er . . . I mean Charlottesville. Chappaquiddick was something else. And remember how when Trump announced he was running for president, he called Mexicans rapists? Even the Mexican women he thinks are rapists! Come on, man! Everyone knows women can’t be rapists! Or . . . can they? Maybe they can be rapists . . . I wouldn’t want to discriminate against women and say that there is something men can do that women cannot . . . Er . . . I am not sure now, I gotta think about that.

But forget the Mexicans—Trump called a major American city a disgusting rat-infected mess. Now, I don’t go to Baltimore myself, because the place stinks to high heaven of excrement, garbage, rat droppings, and dead rodents, but that’s no reason to call it a disgusting rat-infected mess! Only a white supremacist would call Baltimore that! No joke!

Folks, let me tell you something. I am the guy who, along with Senator Dianne Feinstein, got assault weapons banned and high-capacity magazines banned in this country for 10 years. And the reason we banned assault weapons is that people use them to assault each other. And that’s gotta stop!

These military-style weapons are dangerous, especially when the people who carry them dress in military-style outfits, which is completely unacceptable in our democracy. So if we are elected presidents, me and President Feinstein will ban the military-style weapons and military-style clothing. And you have my word as a Biden on that!

The truth is, I can’t even count to 30 most days, and neither can Dianne Feinstein, who is about two decades older than I am, so that’s why any magazine with 30 rounds ought to be banned. In fact, it is time for us to go further, and ban all magazines. High capacity, low capacity—I don’t know the difference, and I don’t care. We should ban all magazines, starting with Good Housekeeping.

So folks, let me tell you something. I am being completely serious here, because this is the God’s honest truth. I give you my word as a Biden, that this is no joke, not even a little bit, and we need to get on with this as expeditiously as possible. The fact of the matter is, and let me be absolutely clear, this is no time for malarkey, either.

The point is, when it comes to the issues that face America today, we need to deal with those issues head on. What I am trying to say is that quite simply, we have to make the same commitment as a nation to solving other nation’s problems that we made to solving our own problems.

No, wait . . . That’s not what I meant. What I mean is this, and I want to be really clear now: everyone has problems, and once I figure out what those problems are, we will start solving them together, and no malarkey. Period.

Folks, the blessings of liberty are important, but not as important as the other blessings. The honest truth is that all kinds of blessings are part of the American character. We must all support the American ideals, once we agree on what those ideals are, but it’s always a fight and it’s a battle that has never fully finished. I started that battle on the beaches of Normandy, and you have my word as a Biden that . . . that . . . the beaches of Normandy were . . . in Normandy.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Trump offers no moral leadership to this country. Trump has dated lots of hot models in the past, and even married a few of them, and I’ve never had a hot model in my entire life. And that’s just not fair.

And folks, I just heard that Mike Bloomberg is also running for president. I know you all think this is bad news for my campaign. And you’re right—it is bad news. But the good news is—Mike Bloomberg is even older than I am! Can you believe it? The guy is older than dirt, at 77—and he thinks he can be president? Come on, man! That’s just ridiculous! I won’t be 77 until November 20, for Pete’s sake—and this guy is already 77! There is just no way the American people will vote for someone as old as Mikey B.

You know, I read somewhere that there are almost 330 million Americans. Every single one of them deserves a hug, or a good back rub. And Donald Trump just doesn’t get it. He hasn’t given a good back rub to a single woman since he became president. This is no joke. No matter how old or young you are, you could use a good back rub.

As your president, I promise you this: you can always come to me if you need a little massage. All we need to do is stand together and get up and remember who we are—even those of us who are in a wheelchair, or soon will be. This is the United States of America. Period.

Thank you, and may God protect our troops fighting the Viet Cong.

Elections

Dems’ Impeachment Inquiry Announces New Hire

Andrei Vyshinsky, Esq., joins the inquisition team. “Let the healing begin,” Pelosi says.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) has vowed to investigate the impeachment of the patently guilty of something President Donald J. Trump “in a way that brings people together, that is healing rather than dividing.

True to her word, the Speaker and House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Chair, U.S. Representative Adam Schiff (D-Calif.), are pleased to announce the HPSC’s new legal counsel, Andrei Vyshinsky, Esq., the impressively credentialed former Procurator General of the (late) Soviet Union. His chief responsibilities will be divining the high crimes and misdemeanors that were and are being committed by the nation’s culprit-in-chief.

Pelosi praised the selection: “As a barrister who could have been the inspiration for Lavrentiy Beria’s dictum, ‘show me the man and I will show you the crime’ who better to investigate the president?”

As for critics who fear that Vyshinsky’s courtroom skills might be rusty after having been dead for over six decades, Pelosi had little patience: “Spare me your ageism. He’s still voting in Cook County, isn’t he? Besides, we’ve already shown him the man.” 

Stressing the need for the impeachment investigation “to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States,” Pelosi noted how Vyshinsky had protected and defended Stalin’s new Soviet Constitution while conducting the 1936 show trials during the Great Purge. There, Vyshinsky’s euphonious oratory swept away all who heard it:

Shoot these rabid dogs. Death to this gang who hide their ferocious teeth, their eagle claws, from the people! . . . Down with these abject animals! Let’s put an end once and for all to these miserable hybrids of foxes and pigs, these stinking corpses! . . . Let’s push the bestial hatred they bear our leaders back down their own throats!

By bringing such nuanced legal subtlety to the impeachment investigation, Vyshinsky is exactly what Pelosi believes the times demand.

“What is at stake is our democracy,” she said. “What are we fighting for? Defending our democracy for the people. Well, Vyshinsky protected his country’s democracy and, with my party’s help, he’ll do the same for ours. I mean, this time for God’s sake, we’re only asking him to purge one person—well maybe Pence, too.”

On his part, Schiff parroted Speaker Pelosi’s praise of Vyshinsky, and downplayed his Russian ties: “He worked for Stalin, not Putin.”

Schiff averred there would be no daylight between Vyshinsky and himself. “It’s a dream to have him on my staff,” he said. “So much of our work has necessarily occurred behind closed doors, and so had Vyshinksy’s work, like when he’d sit outside the cells at Lubyanka prison and politely listen as the enemies of the state voluntarily confessed.”

One cannot refute Schiff’s logic, given how lockstep the House Democrats’ impeachment investigation has been in following Vyshinsky’s novel legal techniques, which as historian Arkady Vaksberg explained was “a hitherto unknown type of trial where there was not the slightest need for evidence: what evidence did you need when you were dealing with ‘stinking carrion’ and ‘mad dogs’?”

Still, it is Vyshinsky’s rhetoric regarding the guilty—“human waste,” “dregs of society,” “decayed people,” “terrorist thugs and degenerates,” and “accursed vermin”—that has caused concern in Pelosi’s caucus over the new intelligence committee legal counsel.

According to one freshman Democrat, “Given what ‘the squad’ and others have said about that [expletives deleted] Trump, Vyshinsky’d better up his game.”

Let the healing begin.

© B.S. News 2019

 

Books & Culture

Halloween Costume Blues

In the spirit of obliging their need for outrage, we propose a rating system, to evaluate your costume’s offensiveness—because in the battle for Hallowe’en, offense is better than defense.

That magical time of year is here, when the Left goes out of its way to be the enemy of fun.

Hmmm…we’d better narrow that down. That isn’t really a seasonal thing. We refer specifically to the night of Hallowe’en, the evening before the Feast of All Souls. This masquerade event, which has grown to be the nation’s second-largest holiday (commercially speaking), is marked by morbid and gruesome themes.

It also increasingly has a dark side.

It draws the soulless and humorless from their loathsome lairs to suck the fun out of the living.

They seem immune to garlic, and it’s illegal and distasteful to spike them. Nor do they require an invitation, unfortunately; no Old-World vampiric courtesy for them. Holy symbols, though, do enrage them—and so will an old-fashioned costume contest.

In the spirit of obliging their need for outrage, we propose a rating system, to evaluate your costume’s offensiveness—because in the battle for Hallowe’en, offense is better than defense.

Our “point system” will be based on cultural appropriation. As a general rule, the more points you are given, the more superior the “culture” you appropriate is, to that of your own culture. (Your own culture, American Greatness reader, is clearly inferior to any other culture, real or imaginary—so you have an advantage. Or should we say, a privilege?)

This list will help you maximize outrage, with your costume, or your child’s. (Having a child, or better yet, more than one, is also offensive—so while it’s too late to do so in time for this Hallowe’en if you haven’t yet, plan ahead for next season).

 

 

 

There. Did you rack up a good outrage score?

Are they pretending to be deeply upset more energetically than you’re pretending to be a caricature?

In 2019, that’s winning Hallowe’en

Closing Note from Monalisa:

I despise political correctness.

I grew up under Ceaucescu’s brutal communist regime, a regime that practiced the same tactics as the “politically correct” woke-scolds of today. In communist Romania (The Socialist Republic of Romania, to be clear), self-appointed arbiters of “respect” and “the greater good” decreed what was and wasn’t acceptable thought, speech, and action.

Under communism, wrongthink and wrongfun were punished with depersonification. People lost their freedoms as well as the means to make a living. They were ostracized, shamed, and punished for defying tyrants—both official and unofficial. The communists used identity politics (even though it wasn’t called that at the time) to divide people and solidify their power over them. In this they were just like the “progressives” of today.

It always starts small. Something seemingly innocent here. Something totally innocent there. We don’t want to offend people. Surely, you’re not for being offensive. Surely, you don’t want to make people uncomfortable. You’re a nice person after all. Just be “respectful.”

But it never works out quite that way. Because by today’s standards, some cultures are more equal than others, some people are more deserving of “respect” than others, and some people must never be offended while others must suffer through any offense given.

To quote Charlton Heston, “Political correctness is just tyranny with manners. I wish for you the courage to be unpopular. Popularity is history’s pocket change. Courage is history’s true currency.”

I cannot echo Mr. Heston’s statement strongly enough.

Elections

The Buttigieg Dossier

ATTN: Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA)
PRIORITY: Highest confidentiality
FROM: U.S. Intelligence Community (THE COMMUNITY), the [redacted] party and [redacted] Bureau.
RE: Pete Buttigieg, (THE TARGET)

BACKGROUND

TARGET is mayor of South Bend, Indiana, and candidate for president of the United States. 

TARGET spent five years as a part-time intelligence officer, stationed near Chicago. In 2014 TARGET  was assigned to a desk job at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan. TARGET never saw combat but some of his activities have come to the attention of THE COMMUNITY.  

SOURCE No. 1, [redacted], a national of [redacted] who has participated in covert operations with [redacted] and [redacted], observed TARGET meeting with [redacted], who allegedly has ties with the Taliban and the group [redacted]

SOURCE No. 2, an interpreter and national of [redacted], has sources that have heard rumors that TARGET attended a session of “dancing boys” at a tribal ceremony in [redacted] province near the village of [redacted]. SOURCE No. 2 cannot verify the account but believes it is credible.

This tribe, SOURCE No. 2 reports, has engaged in hostile operations against U.S. forces in Afghanistan and [redacted]. This allegation has been confirmed by [redacted], a former high-ranking intelligence officer in the [redacted]

SOURCE No. 3, a national of [redacted] with extensive field experience in [redacted], was apprised that TARGET has a husband named Chasten. This could expose TARGET to what is known in the trade as “honey trap” operations, similar to those conducted against [redacted]. SOURCE No. 3 remains unaware that forces hostile to the United States mounted such an operation against the TARGET. 

SOURCE No. 4, is a U.S. liaison to the intelligence services of [redacted], [redacted], and [redacted], and participated in OPERATION [redacted] in [redacted]. SOURCE No. 4 Reports that during a stay at a hotel in [redacted], TARGET requested a room where VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE had stayed and hired seven male prostitutes to defecate in the double bed where the vice president and his wife had slept. SOURCE No. 4 has yet to present surveillance tapes, photos or other evidence confirming the episode, but THE COMMUNITY believes the account is credible. 

In addition, SOURCE No. 4 reports, TARGET was present at a hotel in [redacted], when foreign nationals from [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted], discussed matter pertinent to legislation before the U.S. CONGRESS. 

Articles about the TARGET in [redacted], and [redacted] newspapers did not proceed from any source within the U.S. Government. THE COMMUNITY nevertheless considers them acceptable for submission to the FISA court in relation to the TARGET. 

One operative of the [redacted] was on record that he could “smell” supporters of the TARGET, who shop at Target. Another operative was that he would “stop,” the [redacted] from becoming president. Because of this bias, THE COMMUNITY has chosen to exclude these operatives from any operations against the [redacted]. 

REQUEST FOR SURVEILLANCE

The TARGET has committed no crime, has no criminal record, and is fully qualified to run for president of the United States. Officers of THE COMMUNITY nevertheless believe that all accounts from SOURCES are credible enough to warrant continued government surveillance of  TARGET. 

The identities of those who conduct the surveillance must be kept secret. Otherwise, the national security of the United States will be put in jeopardy. 

If the identity of any SOURCE were to be revealed, that would also endanger national security and the SOURCES themselves. Therefore, THE COMMUNITY requests complete secrecy on the identities of all SOURCES. 

THE COMMUNITY hereby certifies that all material in this dossier has been verified to the best of our ability, that surveillance of TARGET is warranted, and that surveillance of the TARGET is in the best interests of the United States and the Democratic Process. 

Respectfully,

[redacted]
[redacted]
[redacted]
[redacted]

 

Books & Culture

I Am Very Angry That I Did Not Get a Lincoln Fellowship

Conservatism has finally died. I say this with a heavy heart, and an anxious soul, for I fear what America will look like without conservatism to show us our way.

Was it not conservatism that prevented a single Republican from soiling his soul by voting for Obamacare, or trying to negotiate its alteration? True, this led to the passage of the most far-left healthcare bill in decades, but were it not for Donald Trump’s unprincipled decision to remove the individual mandate, that law would be growing more unpopular by the day until eventually it was repealed in a cataclysm of glorious philosophical purity. And besides, even if it continued undisturbed, at least the Conservative Witness of our legislators would be protected from it.

Did not conservatism give us the Reagan Democrats? No, I don’t mean those disgusting, smelly, ignorant, lazy, white blue-collar workers. I mean the children of all those true Americans who happened to arrive inconveniently outside legal channels prior to Ronald Reagan’s courageous legalization of their status in 1986. Without them, California might still be in thrall to the xenophobic nationalism propounded by the likes of Stephen Miller, to say nothing of… no, no, I must restrain myself from talking about them for the nonce.

And, even if you are one of the benighted souls who does not see the value in these accomplishments, was it not thanks to conservatism that the inevitable triumph of abortion-on-demand has been delayed by perhaps ten years, saving countless children from the knife? Not that I care about such parochial, backwards causes myself, but if you do, you must admit the vital contribution that conservatism has made to slowing down the enemy. Indeed, one might almost say, with Bill Buckley, that it has stood athwart history, yelling “stop!” Almost as effectively, one might say, as I stand athwart the “no passenger” trains on the D.C. metro yelling “stop!” only to have them speed past like the callous, crypto-Communist inventions of the D.C. Metroworkers’ unions that they are.

But, alas, all these great accomplishments notwithstanding, conservatism is dead. I know this, because recently, the Claremont Institute, once a hoary redoubt of all things conservative, announced its list of 2019 Lincoln Fellows, and the results were absolutely horrifying. 

Indeed, I cannot imagine what, outside of outsourcing the selection process to the few Nazis still in hiding in Argentina, could have produced a list granting one of the Right’s formerly (!!!!!) most coveted awards to so many degenerate, anti-American, Kremlinized, Nazified populists! Indeed, it is hard to distinguish which of the objectionable choices on this damnable list is most offensive, so I will just have to take them alphabetically. Indeed.

The list starts about as inauspiciously as possible: with Christopher Bedford, editor-in-chief of the Daily Caller News Foundation. Forget that deceivingly impressive title for a moment, and consider: This is the heir to Tucker Carlson. You know, the man who attacked Real American Ilhan Omar, and had the audacity to suggest that she might harbor anti-American sentiments?

Mind you, I have concerns about Omar’s brushes with anti-semitism and apparent parroting of Iranian propaganda, as well, but unlike the scoundrel Carlson, I would never stoop to suggest that just because Ilhan Omar harbors these opinions, therefore we should stop taking people just like her into the country! What kind of Shining City on a Hill would we be, after all, if we refused to take in people who hated us for being a Shining City on a Hill? As the Statue of Liberty says, “give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Or in this case, to make everyone else stop breathing free, but America is too good and virtuous a nation to care about such details. Not to mention, Carlson (and therefore, I assume, Bedford) is a filthy socialist who agrees with Elizabeth Warren about regulating those fine examples of American entrepreneurship in Silicon Valley who, in no way, sponsored my multiple internships with the Niskanen Center.

And lest you be too charitable and assume Bedford is clean of the sins of his employer, let me remind you that he fired Eric Owens, the one Daily Caller editor who was willing to fight back against fascism by justly refusing to run articles by anyone not affiliated with the Koch network.

Still, at least Carlson worked at The Weekly Standard for a time, and honestly, given the next name on this list, I would take a hundred Bedfords if it meant avoiding what is to come.

Mytheos Holt!

Now, perhaps you scratch your heads. Isn’t that the name of someone’s Dungeons and Dragons character? Alas, I suppose some people do not follow the minutiae of the Twitter feeds belonging to staff writers at The Bulwark and the now-defunct but noble and aptly named Buckley Club as devotedly as I do. For you see, Mytheos Holt is very much real, and very much a sign of how terribly corrupted conservatism has become. Why, did you know that in 2010, he suggested that 4chan (!)—that awful hive of people who never went to Church or won participation trophies every year in football like your humble correspondent—might join the Republican party to fight back against the Left? Not to be outdone, he openly endorsed white nationalism in an article that suggested that . . . the way to fight white nationalists was to actually pursue policies that end the social pathologies making white nationalism attractive. Ha!

Any true, virtuous conservative knows that the way to get rid of hostile ideologues is to scornfully shove a copy of Friedrich Hayek’s The Road to Serfdom at them, and then promptly wash your hands just in case you happened to touch their uncredentialed clothing in the process! As one of my brothers in the fight to rid conservatism of its hacks recently put it, “Nearly every right-winger with a byline laughed at Mytheos Holt and now half of them are parroting his arguments.” That a man who Verified Twitter nobly stood athwart and yelled “stop!” to should be allowed to have prefigured literally every problem the Right currently faces is a sign of a shameful lack of character on the part of reality, and that he is being honored for it is a sign of a contemptible lack of sense on the part of Claremont.

The next choice, on the other hand, has no regard for Americans of any kind! I refer to Anna Smith Lacey, a naked shill for the government of Viktor Orban. Or at least, so I assume, given the fact that she is the head of an organization called the Hungarian Initiatives Foundation, which as far as I know takes no money from George Soros, and because a fellow sufferer among American truth-tellers who still remain stubbornly unverified by Twitter has said Lacey is an Orban shill, and his word is good enough for me. In any case, imagine how truly Kremlinized Claremont has become to accept anyone associated with Hungary at all!

Imagine! Accepting someone who advocates better relations between America and an authoritarian state that walls out politically undesirable immigrants, sabotages opposition parties, jails protesters, and helps spread intelligence hostile to the American government! True American NATO allies like the British would never do that, and besides, if they really wanted a representative of a foreign government, surely Ana Navarro was available to speak on behalf of Mexico? But no, not for Claremont is our staunch ally south of the border. Better to give aid and comfort to the lackeys of Putin!

And yet. And yet! It somehow gets worse. Far worse than Bedford’s unfashionable employer, Holt’s apologies for white nationalism cunningly disguised as attacks on it, and Lacey’s clear affiliation with the Kremlin, as any trained reader of Eric Garland should be able to see, is someone who combines all three. I refer to that . . . that . . . animal, Jack Posobiec.

How? How could Claremont let this man in? Is it because he has the ear of the president of the United States? Of the president’s son? Because he served our country in the Navy as an intelligence officer for five years, illicitly spying on that great, misunderstood triumph of capitalism and social propriety, China? Because he has attended White House press briefings? What are these illicit, unworthy achievements that Posobiec clearly usurped from the real conservative journalists who toil in obscurity, choking back the checks for multiple book deals—noble, honest men like Charlie Sykes, or Tim Carney, or those soon to join them, like Harold J. F. C. Tweedy III?! Obviously, Claremont did not care that Posobiec posts supposedly tongue-in-cheek white supremacist memes—after all, we all know that the proper name of that scoundrel Michael Anton’s essay, “The Flight 93 Election,” The 1488 Election!

But really? They did not care that Posobiec pushed the discredited Seth Rich conspiracy theory, rather than accepting, as I have, that Nigel Farage, Steve Bannon, and Roger Stone were all secretly the pawns of Russian intelligence, in an attempt to install Donald Trump as president—a plan that has roots going back at least to the late 1980s? They did not care that Posobiec pushed the Pizzagate conspiracy theory, which nearly got people killed, unlike the undeniable truth that Trump would not be president without Russian help? And never mind nearly getting people killed, how dare Posobiec imply that our elected officials could be ensnared in child sex trafficking rings, which clearly only serves to undermine the American people’s faith in democracy, and—oh my God can you imagine how easy Trump will be to impeach when everyone realizes he ran in the same circles as Jeffrey Epstein?!

Ahem. The point is, Posobiec is emblematic of the fever swamps that once were considered unworthy of notice even by the most depraved and unprincipled people—you know the sort, the ones who dared to suggest that American foreign policy should not be to go to war with every dictatorship on the planet for the sake of peace? But alas, even Posobiec’s inclusion was not the cruelest cut of all. For the list of 2019 Lincoln Fellows was even more terrible for what it left out than for what it included.

For who, despite applying with every willingness to believe that Claremont, for all its dalliances with the monstrous Trumpist invasion of the conservative movement, was still a place where real scholarship could be done, was unceremoniously rejected? Why, none other than your humble scribe, Harold J. F. C. Tweedy III. Indeed, they did not even see fit to include me as an alternate to one of the reprobates already mentioned, despite the fact that my credentials as a graduate of Yale College, as a contributing editor to The Bulwark, and as the head of a presidential exploratory committee for that last great conservative mind, Charles Koch, easily outstrip all of these supposedly “relevant” stains on the Right!

But no, in a sign of the miserable, irreversible decline of the conservative movement, Claremont apparently did not recognize that my stewardship of the “Yelling STOP” podcast, which currently ranks #200 in political podcasts on iTunes, and clearly qualifies me for inclusion. Nor were they evidently impressed with my Twitter following, which may be small, but includes such conservative luminaries as Charlie Sykes, Bill Kristol, Esoteric Jeff, Jamie Weinstein, Jonah Goldberg, and the entire staff of Arc Digital. And forgive my being a bit braggadocious, but how many of these morons they brought in had a billionaire entrepreneur as a recommender?! Indeed, Claremont’s fall to socialism must be complete, if they fail to recognize that my two-sentence recommendation letter from Pierre Omidyar shows I am in tune with the workings of the almighty Market, praise be upon it.

Who knows? Perhaps if I had been included, I could have shown not merely to the Bedfords, and the Holts, and the Posobiecs, but even the Antons, how terribly misguided and unleavened by expert knowledge their support for Ronald Reagan’s usurper, Donald Trump, has been. Perhaps the exhibition of my unfettered, all-American masculine virtue could have persuaded even Miss Lacey of the frailty and weakness of Hungarian nationalism, until she was persuaded, like a sexually liberated Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, to lay down both figuratively and literally with Americanism, embodied by me, Harold  J. F. C. Tweedy III!

But now, I shall never get the chance for any of these feats of derring-do, and evil shall be permitted entrance to Claremont unleavened by virtue. No, here I sit, boats against the Trumpist current, trying desperately and ceaselessly to propel conservatism into its glorious past. But alas, it has resisted my pull and instead placed itself on the ash heap of history. I can only take comfort—cold as it is—in the fact that when historians write the history of this troubled era, from what will no doubt be an evenhanded perspective motivated by their years fighting fascism in the streets as graduate students, they will recognize that this was the moment the conservative movement truly lost its way.

Harold J. F. C. Tweedy III is the head of the Conservatives United for Charles Koch 2020 Exploratory Committee.