Satire

Joe Biden: My IQ Is Higher Than Your IQ

Would you believe it’s another American Greatness exclusive? The transcript of Joe Biden’s speech in Nashua, New Hampshire, on December 28, 2019.

Joe Biden: Folks, I am glad to be here in Las Vegas, New Mexico, with you. New Mexico is a terrific state, one of the 12 states that originally came together to form the United States back in 1876. I have been here, in your state, many times, and each time I am impressed by the great people of New Mexico.

Er . . . Hold on a second, where are we this time? What’s that? We’re not in New Mexico? Uh-huh. So this isn’t Las Vegas? I was wondering what happened to all the casinos . . . We’re in Vermont, right? Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? ’Cause it sure looks like Vermont to me.

So where are we then? New Jersey? I can’t hear you . . . Oh, right, New Hampshire! New Hampshire is also a great state, and just as pretty as Vermont! I love New Hampshire, folks! No joke!

Folks, a lot of you are wondering how I got here from Iowa, since my “No Malarkey” bus broke down. Well, my old friend Jeffrey Epstein is no longer with us, sadly, and he had a Gulfstream jet, so I borrowed it. I mean, what are friends for, right? It’s not like he needs it anymore, while they are still looking for those video tapes showing who was coming and going to his cell, and what have you. The point is, every self-respecting presidential candidate needs a private jet if he wants to represent the working stiffs of America, and I respect myself more than most. Fortunately, one was available from Jeff.

I am being serious!

Folks, I would like to talk to you about a subject that is very controversial these days. I want to talk to you about my masculinity. I have tons of it, which is why I challenge people to push-up contests. Now, there are two kinds of masculinity: the right kind, like mine, and the toxic kind. It’s simple to tell the difference between the two: the toxic kind is what Republicans have, and the right kind is what I have.

To have the right kind of masculinity, like me, you have to exercise regularly. Whenever I go to the gym, I think about going to the alley behind that gym and beating up Trump. Maybe Trump is there, behind the gym, and maybe he isn’t—but if I had to go mano a mano against Trump, he wouldn’t stand a chance, not any more than Corn Pop stood a chance against me, and that’s the God’s honest truth.

The only difference between Trump and Corn Pop is that Trump is real, and Corn Pop exists only in my imagination—but aside from that, it’s the same exact thing. Well, that, and the fact that Corn Pop had gold teeth, and Trump, they say, has a gold toilet in his tower. And by the way, we just updated my campaign website—my pronoun is “He” with a big “H.” That’s right, I’m the big dog now. The guy at the top. I’m the Man! No joke!

Sure, I might look like a little shrimp, but appearances can be deceiving. If you are looking for a candidate who can go mano a mano against Trump—I am your woman. I mean, I’m your man. Right.

And just to show you that I have solid multicultural bona fides, I even speak a little Spanish—like that phrase “mano a mano” is Spanish. I know a few other key expressions, like “adios, muchachas,” and “cuanto cuesta,” all of which are very useful whenever I visit Mexico. So that makes me the multicultural heir to Julian Castro’s campaign, especially since he doesn’t speak Spanish at all.

The Highest IQ in Verm . . . er, New Hampshire

Folks, there is one other thing you should know about me: everybody loves me. I mean it! I give you my word as a Biden on that! Literally everybody loves me. Do I have evidence to prove it? Absolutely. I got elected senator from Delaware 17 times—now, would they do that if they didn’t love me? And, even more important, I was Barack Obama’s vice president. Did you know that Barack and I were in the same administration? I was the vice president, as I just told you, which makes me the brains behind the whole operation.

It so happens, I have incredibly high IQ—I challenge any of you people in the audience today to an IQ test. I can tell you one thing—my IQ is definitely higher than your IQ. I guarantee that my IQ is the highest IQ in Vermont—and that’s the God’s honest truth. Er . . . I mean, the highest in New Hampshire. We’re in New Hampshire, right? Right. Just making sure . . .

Well, the fact of the matter is my IQ is the highest in Vermont, too. In fact, I have the highest IQ in the entire Pacific Northwest. I mean, Pacific Northeast. Er . . . I mean, the Northeast, including Chicago. The last time I took an IQ test, they couldn’t even measure my IQ, it was so high. If they could have measured it, it would probably be at least 500. That’s why I did so well in law school, for example. Based on my grades, of the 63 students in my class, I came in 64th, which is a pretty amazing performance, as you can imagine. Honest!

Walmart Has Many Openings

So, folks, it’s time to talk about climate change. We haven’t talked about climate change at all during this campaign, so I want to be the first one to talk about it. Barack and I worked on climate change for years, and we signed the Paris Climate Treaty. Well, actually, he signed it, but only after I told him to sign it. He probably wouldn’t have signed the Paris Climate Accord if it weren’t for me.

In fact, the Paris Climate Accord is one of the signature achievements of the Biden-Obama Administration, and my signature on that treaty is one of my proudest moments. I mean, it was Barack’s signature, but it might as well be mine, since I was the architect of that whole thing.

And folks, yes, the fact of the matter is all of you will need to make some sacrifices to save the climate. Yes, it’s true, a lot of your jobs will disappear. Good jobs, sure. High-paying blue collar jobs, sure. Jobs in the auto industry will disappear. We won’t need jobs in the auto parts industry either. Jobs in the oil industry will disappear. Mining jobs will disappear. No more logging or transportation jobs—they are really bad for climate, so we don’t want jobs like that. And the good news is—we won’t have any engineering or geology jobs either, under my climate plan.

The way I figure, maybe 10 or 20 million of those jobs will vanish under my plan. But if that is the price we have to pay, then I will gladly pay it. It’s the smart thing to do—and remember, I am the guy with the galactically high IQ, so I know what I am talking about. Folks, really, who cares about those blue collar jobs that pay $150,000 a year? I certainly don’t—I make more than that for a single 30 minute speech, because people love listening to me talk so much! Besides, all those people will have plenty of other opportunities—and America is all about opportunities.

They can be retrained to install solar panels on their neighbors’ houses. They can be retrained to replace batteries in Tesla cars when the Tesla pulls into what used to be a gas station—especially after we build more gas stations that don’t sell any gas. They can be retrained to work in retail—Walmart, for example, has many cashier openings. Have you been to a Walmart Supercenter recently? Think of all the jobs there!

Some of these people can become newspaper sex columnists, like in that show on HBO, “Sex and the City.” That’s definitely a job with a small carbon footprint, and high potential. They can be retrained to be a Starbucks barista—which, by the way, comes with health insurance benefits. Those who can’t get a job at Starbucks can take early retirement. And if you’re too young for early retirement, there is always six months of unemployment benefits.

Let’s Go Beyond Normal

I’ve got it all figured out, folks. The point I am trying to make here is that the disappearance of tens of millions of high-paying blue collar jobs is a huge opportunity to transition to a greener economy that you all should embrace. All of you should welcome change if it means regulating blue collar jobs out of existence and shipping those unwanted jobs off to China. And by the way, this is why most Congressional Democrats consider me the most electable—because unlike Trump, I am on the side of the little guy.

Oh, and there are other job opportunities out there for anyone who wants to leave the oil, or manufacturing, or transportation fields—such as making donuts. Yes, donuts. Right now, there are way too many Indians making donuts in donut shops. I don’t mean Indians like Elizabeth Warren. I mean Indians, like, you know, Indians. I am talking about Indians from India. The kind of Indians that look like Indians. Every donut shop you go into these days, there are Indians working there. But there are only so many Indians out there—so that’s why I am not worried at all about the job losses under my climate plan, because there are a lot of donut shops that need workers. No joke!

You see, as I said in the last debate, the American people don’t really like the economy today. The middle class is getting killed. The middle class is getting crushed. And the working class has no way up. And that is why, under my plan, we will get rid of all those jobs in mining, manufacturing, oil, gas, transportation and construction—and instead, we will offer them better jobs at Starbucks, Walmart and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Folks, it is time for America to go beyond normal. We may have been normal once, but that’s not good enough anymore. Beyond normal will be the new normal. It will be more normal than normal. How do we know this? Because we are shifting to a new paradigm. Forget the old paradigm—this is the new one. No more Google. It’s a new consensus that we need to be building towards. We will all use AT&T as a search engine. What is a search engine, by the way? Can someone explain to me what a search engine is? Never mind, maybe I’ll ask my great-grandchildren, they probably know. I am being serious!

Folks, I know you are just as angry as I am about how Republicans are attacking my family, especially my son. My son did nothing wrong in Ukraine. Absolutely nothing. I know this for a fact, because I asked him, and he said “Dad, everything I’ve done in Ukraine is totally legit. Completely aboveboard. I am so squeaky clean on Ukraine, I am practically antiseptic. Those people who are questioning my important work in Ukraine don’t know what they are talking about.” Hunter told me this, and I believe him. And that’s why he agreed to never do it again, so that’s even more reason for you to have faith in me, and you have my word as a Biden on that.

Folks, you know I hate to do this, but I need your money. I want each and every one of you to take out your phone, and go to J-1-1-1. I know, I know, I told people before that they should go to J-O-E-1-2-3, but the letter part of it was just too damn complicated. So we simplified it to J-1-2-3, which I really, really thought I could remember, but the numbers were just too confusing. So we decided to simplify things some more, and just make it J-1-1-1. Even I can remember that, and that’s no joke. So I want you all to take out your phones right now, go to J-1-1-1, and make a donation to my campaign.

Thank you, folks!

Post • Religion and Society • Satire

‘Enlightenment’

It seems the Dalia Lama
Has chosen to calm a
Storm of speculation,
With new information.

Seem that a burning question
Of lamaic succession,
Had the world in a whirl:
“Might the next be a girl?”

“Or does Tibet, like Rome,
“Claim a Y chromosome
“Is the prerequisite
“To be spiritually fit?”

Though they ardently quizzed ‘im,
He withheld his wisdom—
But after some delay
He at last had his say:

“Why would you all suppose
“A girl couldn’t be chose?
“But—this wise-woman lama,
She must be one hot mama.”

And an uproar ensued:
“How benighted! How rude!”
Every journalist fumed
Each one perfectly groomed.

Worldwide, city by city,
Newsgirls hired to be pretty
Earnestly contended
That they’d been sooo offended

But serenely the priest
Just returned to the East,
Where the incense smoke swirls,
To dream of pretty girls.

Photo credit:  Sanjeev Verma/Hindustan Times via Getty Images

America • Environment • Post • Pro-Life • Satire

B.S. News: How You People Can Save My Planet

This week, I’m turning over my column space to Madam Henrietta Von Wanderlust, vice president of external affairs for Prune Our Planet. Madam (her preferred personal pronoun) Wanderlust’s views are her own and do not necessarily reflect the views of B.S. News—unless you agree with them.

***

In my capacity as vice president of external affairs for Prune Our Planet (POP), I have engaged in extensive online research and exhausted millions of taxpayer grants (and the patience of my estranged spouse). To what end? 

To the end of the earth. 

Yes, Virginia, there isn’t a Santa Claus and the science is settled about climate change. Hurricanes, tornados, floods, earthquakes, income inequality, undocumented migration, the return of once thought extinct diseases amongst California’s homeless, our non-profit’s annual “POP’s Global Gala, Vegan Picnic, and Cornhole Extravaganza” fundraiser being rained out—the number of catastrophes explained by climate change is rising even faster than sea levels.

Even as we resist the ravages of climate change and request a new park permit, another threat to our global village has emerged to hasten the impending climate apocalypse, one which many experts, some of whom may well be scientists, feel is already less than twelve short years away.

This climate change exacerbating new threat is populism; and, yes, that means you people—namely, deplorable climate deniers.

Regrettably, because of the Russian usurper Trump, populism is too often narrowly construed as a political problem for people better than its supporters. This is understandable given Trump’s pernicious, oppressive impact upon a more socially just and equitable world, such as the booming economy that is generating oodles of carbon into the atmosphere without offsets or a mitigating tax. Going deeper, one need not possess the genius of Rob Reiner to glean the dire social, cultural, sexual, environmental, and financial ramifications for the survival of the earth and my non-profit. 

So consider this a “woke up” call for you somnambulant, deplorable climate deniers. Bluntly, there are just too damn many of you people scurrying about the earth; despoiling her primordial beauty for vanity items like shelter and warmth; and devouring her scare resources to feed yourselves and your children at the expense of future generations. In short, on the defining issue of our time—climate change!—Goddess Gaia is calling to say, “it’s not me; it’s you people.” 

Given the now settled fact that you people’s selfishness is expediting Doomsday for your betters, how can you live with yourself?

That was a rhetorical question.

Madam Henrietta Von Wanderlust

But there is good news: You don’t have to. And we at POP are here to help.

Despite the Malthusian epithets hurled against those who love the planet by you people who don’t, we hold no grudge, because that would entail valuing your opinion. Rest assured, then, we are genuinely concerned for you people’s ultimate wellbeing, for being pro-planet is being pro-people. And what are we pro- you people doing? We are all in on helping you people stop being selfish and start saving my planet. 

Inspired by Margaret Sanger, the champion of the “Addition by Subtraction” school of boosting the common good, to eradicate the threat of populism we, the enlightened few here at POP, have commenced a bold, inclusive initiative embracing without reservation all manner of you people: “Get Woke and Go Night-Night.” (And, if we’ve inadvertently omitted any manner of you people, let us know who and where we might reach them.) 

Presently, far too many of you people lack the moral courage to off yourselves for the common good. Nonetheless, eternal optimists that we are, we at POP expect that eventually you people still clinging to your God and guns will realize that weapon is your highway to heaven; and our ticket to an earthly utopia without you people. It’s a win-win.

Larry the Polar Bear: Will you follow his glorious example?

Now before any populist demagogues and their allied Russian trolls take to Twitter to twist our words and incite you people into grabbing your pitchforks and torches to storm the guarded gate of our non-profit’s lavish headquarters, I’m going to tell you about Larry the Polar Bear. POP’s senior staff, partners, family, friends, journalists, local community activists and two hitchhikers we picked up on the way to LAX, were on our latest taxpayer-funded fact-finding expedition, this time to Canada’s frigid climes to study ice levels and gauge how long we had until climate change killed us all—again, thanks to you people. Outside the ski lodge, we spied a celebration of polar bears, with Larry perched on his hind legs majestically hovering above his furry friends on the (oddly) still frozen tundra. Playfully baring his teeth, Larry took a few menacing steps in our direction, which only deepened our angst about how he and his fellow polar bears were doomed because of you people. Quickly, we took Larry’s measure; and, hearts breaking, we raised an anguished, appreciative cheer for the regal beast while our ski instructor Jacques leveled a shotgun and did what needed to be done. 

It is comforting to wonder that, if Larry knew he could help stop climate change and if he had opposable thumbs, he voluntarily would have made his sacrifice for the common good. What one doesn’t have to wonder about is the established fact that Larry’s demise benefited the common good of his grateful polar bear peers, because they now have more resources to sustain them until we stop climate change by implementing our “Get Woke, Go Night-Night” all-inclusive package for you people’s permanent vacation. As for the altruistic polar bear to whom so many owe so much? Fittingly, the altruistic Larry graces a place of honor in that awkwardly shaped corner of my office.

As he stared down both barrels, did Larry know his sacrifice would bring such benefits to his fellow polar bears and such joy to my interior decorator? Of course not. Dr. Doolittle isn’t real, you people! But Larry and his sacrifice are, kind of, thanks to the best taxidermist your tax dollars can hire.

Due to the vicious vagaries of evolution, Larry never had the chance to peruse our online brochure, How You People Can Save My Planet, or contribute to our non-profit. But he did kick the bucket to save the planet; and, as the settled veterinary science suggests: Larry likely didn’t know he had to go for the common good, but would have done it just the same if he did. You people, on the other hand, have no excuse for denying climate change and wanting to go on, despite all the credible evidence you people are the problem. 

Thus, I muse for the common good: Given the stakes for our planet and your betters, will you people follow Larry’s glorious example of self-sacrifice? Can you people stop being selfish; put your Mauser where your mouth is; and “Get Woke and Go Night-Night”? Bluntly, can you people do you—for the future . . . for the children! 

I know you people will—some voluntarily. 

Remember: when you’re planted, my planet will thank you. 

Copyright © 2019 B.S. News

Photo credit(s): Getty Images

 

Democrats • Elections • Post • Satire

My Name is B.S.: Bernie’s Outreach to Trump Bros

My name is Bernie Sanders, and I’m running for president.

Some might think it strange that I would appear on the pages of American Greatness to make my case for making America Socialist again. Well, if I can get applause on a Fox News town hall, I figure I can reach out to would-be Bernie Bros here.

You may be disappointed in President Trump. After all, what’s he done for you, the working man? The economic recovery, you say? Nonsense. A strong economy only benefits the 1 percent, like me. Besides, he’s doing it with mirrors. And a mirror is inherently fascist, because in a mirror you can only see yourself, the individual, instead of the community.

I have a great deal in common with your readers. First, I know what it’s like to be victimized by gender identity politics. I used to be praised as a Jewish Socialist hero of the proletariat. Now I’m a white male protector of the patriarchy. Talk about fluidity!

President Trump kicked off his re-election campaign in Orlando, Florida. If there’s anything people my age know, it’s Florida. You don’t think I’m spending my golden years in Vermont, do you? I’m too old to wait for climate change.

I, too, want to return to the good old days, when you could get a nice set of cookware for a few hundred S&H Green Stamps. I think I still have some. You can survive a 90 percent top tax rate if you’re thrifty.

But enough complaining. I’m here to talk about my agenda, which will benefit all Americans, even the ones I don’t like.

Take parking. Isn’t it frustrating when you can’t find a good space close to the mall? Sometimes when I drive my electric car to the Vitamin Shoppe, I have to walk 100 yards or more. This is coerced exercise, and it’s un-American.

My plan would turn every parking space into a handicapped space. They’re always the ones closest to the entrance. Now wherever you park you’ll be just a few feet away from your destination.

Of course, we cannot use that term any longer. So they will be called Differently Abled Spaces (DAS). I’ve started a pilot program in Washington, D.C. to test my plan. It’s called “DAS Capitol.”

What about those spaces set aside for expectant mothers? I do not support them. I believe the government should stay out of the bedroom. No free benefits for blastocysts.

Another initiative I’m working on is the Green Light New Deal. We cannot move forward as a nation if we’re stuck at a red light. So from now on, all traffic signals will be green. It will eliminate congestion, much like the pills I buy at the Vitamin Shoppe.

I know I face a tough, uphill primary. But I can handle my rivals. The other day I told my good friend Joe Biden he should talk more about his early days in the U.S. Senate. I didn’t know he would plagiarize Trent Lott.

I have fresh ideas. But I’m not some new flavor of the day. I’m salty and sweet, like a pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Bernie’s Yearning” ice cream. Yes, that’s a real thing.

So I ask you loyal Trump voters to consider another 70-something white man from New York City who says what’s on his mind, hates Hillary, and doesn’t give a damn about the Democratic Party.

Photo credit: Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images

Democrats • Identity Politics • Israel • Post • Satire • The Left

Real Hitler Responds to Democratic Party’s Anti-Semitism

The movie “Downfall” is best known for a scene where a distraught Hitler learns from his loyalists that the war is lost. This scene has spawned an endless series of YouTube parodies as Hitler “responds” to modern-day events. It’s an angry and distressed Hitler who learns that Barack Obama won the election, that Obamacare will not permit him to keep his doctor, and that Donald Trump was elected president.

Bruno Ganz, the actor who brought Hitler to life in the movie, died in February. His ersatz Hitler, commenting on today’s important issues, kept us entertained. Now that Ganz is gone, an ersatz media will do what they can to emulate Der Führer. But can the likes of Jim Acosta and Rachel Maddow really fill the void?

Thankfully, we won’t have to find out. Through the wonders of modern technology, the real Hitler has emerged, rested and ready to provide us with his insights. Not surprisingly, he’s very unhappy about the many Hitler impersonators, speaking in his name.

***

This is not how I planned it. I was supposed to be Chancellor of the World. Instead . . . here I am. Where? Definitely not Argentina. From here, even Venezuela looks pretty good. But one thing I can tell you: It’s as hot as advertised. But it’s a dry heat.

The good news is I’m not alone. Many kindred spirits are here with me. It’s true what they say. There is a special place here for me and for Goebbels, and Goering, and Himmler. And for newcomers like Osama bin Laden and Fidel Castro. Oh, I can’t forget Comrade Stalin. He may have won, but winning isn’t everything. And just for the record, he would never have won if not for the verdammt Russian winter.

But what I really can’t stand is seeing others profit from my likeness and my name. There was that Communist, Chaplin, who had the nerve to call himself “The Great Dictator.” And that Jew, mocking me with “Springtime for Hitler”!

And those stupid videos. Only a dummkopf would bother with such nonsense. Though I’ll admit, the one about Harvey Weinstein was pretty funny.

Sure, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But genug! From now on, I’m doing the talking. And there’s so much to talk about. I never thought I’d live to see to the day—OK I didn’t really—but who could have believed that American soldiers would still be in Germany? Or that anyone would still be keeping up with the Kardashians.

Worst of all is what’s happening to my beloved Deutschland. I was trying to create a Master Race. And now the vaterland is swarming with foreigners who wouldn’t know a bratwurst from a sauerbraten.

And you think it doesn’t hurt me when I hear America called the one superpower? It could have been me. It should have been me!

But now, America, of all places, is giving me hope. I actually feel re-Jewvenated. Get it?

Because, you know, first I came for the Jews. Before the Czechs, before the Poles, first I came for the Jews. But then that Jew-lover Roosevelt, he came for me. The next thing you know I’m kaput. Or, as the Americans say, I bought the bunker.

So who would think that the day would come when Democrats, the party of Roosevelt, would first come for the Jews. Yes it’s true. Democrats are now the party of Jew-haters. It’s Democrats who elected two raging anti-Semites to the Congress. Elected mind you. I had to burn down the Reichstag to get my way. Democrats simply elected them.

And what do these women do? First, they come for the Jews. Immediately, they accuse the Jews of having a dual loyalty.

“I want to talk about the political influence in this country that says it is okay for people to push for allegiance to a foreign country.” Ilhan Omar really said that.

She got some criticism, but she wasn’t deterred. She just kept talking. “I should not be expected to have allegiance/pledge support to a foreign country in order to serve my country.”

I tell you, this is music, sweeter than Wagner, to my ears.

And let’s face it, Omar got her talking points from me. I used the dual loyalty card to perfection. I always said the Jews stabbed us in the back, and made us lose the war. So it would have been nice if she had taken just a minute to give me a little shout-out. But that’s okay. I’ll accept what Pelosi said about her. “I think she has a different experience in the use of words.” It’s still flattering to know she’s using my tactics.

She also used the Jewish money angle. If she asked―and she didn’t―I would have told her to do exactly the same thing.

It’s all about the Benjamins baby,” is how she put it. Not since my good friend Heinrich Ford has anyone so prominent been saying such things about the Jews. Ford could have made a difference. But in the end, he cared too much about that farshtunken Model T.

What really surprises me is how this Omar woman knows about all this. I’d like to think that she’s been busy reading Mein Kampf and The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, but I don’t want to kid myself. No one reads these classics anymore. You’d sooner find someone reading Hillary Clinton’s last book.

No matter. She’s following the script to the letter. And that also goes for that other woman, Rashida Tlaib. First she came for . . . well, Donald Trump actually. OK, she deviated from the script a little when she cursed out America’s president. I must say that was a wonderful moment. Still, I can’t understand how such a thing can happen. In Deutschland, the SS had ways of making people not say things like that about me. Not that anyone would have said such a thing.

Anyway, after her Trump comment, she lashed out at American Jews for being supportive of Israel. “They forgot what country they represent,” is how she phrased it.

Very impressive! Even more so because she forgot what country her dress represents. Yes, true story. Rather than picking up something at Walmart, she makes a big deal about wearing a dress worn by women in some foreign country. This is like me driving around Berlin in a Chevrolet. The Jews call this chutzpah.

But it’s exactly this attitude and her long history of associating with well-known anti-Semites and anti-Jewish causes that makes her so special. If I could, I wouldn’t replace her even with Martin Bormann. Of course, I can’t. He’s here. Just down the hall.

Most importantly, her words hit the mark. Some Republican senator immediately responded with “This ‘dual loyalty’ canard is a typical anti-Semitic line.”

Exactly! That’s the point!

You know how it goes. A Republican here and a Republican there will offer some criticism. But everyone else―the entire Democratic Party and their media acolytes―go into full Neville Chamberlain mode. And you remember how well that worked out?

The best thing about these women is how their words get right to the point. And I know a thing or two about words. I had the volk mesmerized by my every word. But even I could never speak 140 characters at a time like these women. Das ist verrückt! I would never have allowed that.

So I give them a lot of credit. Especially that Omar. I envy how she thinks. If only I had been able to see things the way she does, I might have skipped the cyanide and gone straight to my trial. They would go on and on about the carnage in Europe, and they’d show pictures of the death camps, with the remains of the millions of Jews, who were gassed and incinerated.

But when it was my turn to speak, I would have calmly replied: “Some people did something.”

I might have ended up in Argentina after all.

Editor’s Note: The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed above belong solely to Hitler, and do not necessarily reflect views, thoughts, and opinions of American Greatness.

Photo Credit: Hulton-Deutsch Collection/CORBIS/Corbis via Getty Images

America • Americanism • Democrats • Elections • Law and Order • Political Parties • Post • Satire

A Modest Proposal for Felons’ Rights

Socialist savant Bernie Sanders has propounded, and Senator cum footwear model Kamala Harris has endorsed, the notion that felons ought to be able to vote.  

After all, to deny the vote to anyone at all is, in Sanders’ memorable phrase, “running down a slippery slope.”

Perhaps this is so.

If it is indeed true, however, the same standard needs to apply to all civil rights, not merely to the right to help direct the world’s most powerful government in its decision-making.  Prisoners ought to be secure in their persons – protected from search and seizure, for instance. They also ought to be able freely to assemble, and not restricted from one another’s company.  Prisons are full of walls which keep people apart. And we know what the Left thinks of walls.

Most importantly, if prisoners have the right to vote, surely they have the right to keep and bear arms.  

Statistically, prisons (like Democrat-run cities) are among of the most dangerous places in the United States. Denying the right to keep and bear arms to our most vulnerable citizens, merely because they are convicted felons in our penitentiaries, clearly is a travesty of justice. They ought to be allowed the arms they need to protect themselves in a dangerous environment.  Consider that an ordinary, law-abiding American in a peaceful and prosperous Midwestern town, may purchase a high-powered rifle he’ll never need—while a felon in constant fear for his life, must rely on an improvised shiv. Privilege, much?!

A few keen observers might note that a dangerous inequality might exist if only those prisoners who already had firearms, were able to keep them.  That’s true. So jJust as we must make sure that all prisoners, from marijuana possession offenders to serial murderers, should be able to vote, we must arm them all equally. A government-provided handgun with adequate ammunition should be issued each newly-admitted prisoner along with his voter registration.

This concrete affirmation of the prisoner’s rights ought, of course, to remain with him upon release.
Many ex-prisoners fall victim to violence after their period of incarceration. Don’t we owe them a head start in the struggle for survival, especially in “Trump’s America”?  Let each released felon keep his government-issued pistol.

Some old-fashioned opponents of civil rights for all, are sure to point out that a few of these firearms might be misused. After all, with a pistol, you can rob or harm someone.

Ah, but with the vote, you can rob and harm EVERYONE.  So anyone who can be trusted with either, might as well be entrusted with both.

Photo credit: Getty Images

feminists • Post • Satire

Sorry, Tucker, Titania McGrath Is Real

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Every civilization worth the flame of its kiln produces an epic that combines poetry, storytelling, philosophy, and commentary.

Greece had The Iliad. Rome had The Aeneid. The Brits have Beowulf.

The civilization that postdates Twitter’s 2006 launch now has its epic: Woke: A Guide to Social Justice.

The book, written in the first person, includes a helpful introduction:

Allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is Titania Gethsemane McGrath. I am a radical intersectionalist poet committed to feminism, social justice and armed peaceful protest.

Last week, Tucker Carlson committed the ultimate microaggression against the author by interviewing a British comedian who called her a “parody.”

Parody, though, evokes delight by distorting something that exists. The work of Titania McGrath delights in nothing that exists.

She refuses to laugh, especially at herself. Here are a few lines of her slam poetry, from a piece titled “Comedy”:

Punchlines are bayonets, severing throats

In a toxic chucklesmog of despair.

A homicidal mirth-whore speaks blood

And spills his surly mousse of ruination.

A second Rwanda.

Also, unlike parody, Titania McGrath is real by the rules that say if you deny global warming you can be investigated by Canadian authorities. She is real because she politically compels you to accept her.  What could be more real than that?

Moreover, she has a deliberately posed profile picture: a pouty smile beneath welder’s glasses and carefully disheveled blond hair that together scream “conventional Scandinavian beauty.”

Which means she must be real.

Finally, her social media outrage makes her real. That is why I was reluctant to describe her as conventionally beautiful, which she considers a form of tyranny. But dammit, she is hot.

Putting aside the patriarchal attempts to silence her by calling her a parody and thereby metaphorically pinching her ass, Titania McGrath is on a mission.

She has something approaching apostolic zeal in her singular obsession to make people “Woke.” As she puts it:

Anyone can be an activist. By simply adding a rainbow flag to your Facebook profile, or calling out an elderly person who doesn’t understand what ‘non-binary’ means, you can change the world for the better. Indeed, social media has now made it possible to show how virtuous you are without having to do anything at all.

The first three chapters of her book, “My Struggle,” “Fuck the Patriarchy,” and “The Tyranny of Facts,” sprint out of the gate and set the pace for what follows, each chapter standing alone as the most important essay of this generation or any other.

Including even those unfortunate generations that had their best essays burned when Julius Caesar set aflame the Library of Alexandria, destroying in the process all the great works of antiquity.

We don’t know exactly what was lost, but there had to be at least one or two Greek tomes penned by distracted, verbally impulsive, post-adolescent girls convinced that the world is against them.

Mx. McGrath modestly fails to note that her first chapter’s title is actually the English translation of the more well-known German expression, Mein Kampf. In it, she gives a hint at the refiner’s fire that forged her steely Twitter presence:

My higher education was fairly typical. I studied Modern Languages at Oxford University and then stayed on for an MA in Gender Studies where I wrote a groundbreaking dissertation on technopaganism and the corrosive nature of cis-masculine futurity. It’s the kind of degree that prepares you for life in the real world . . . . I don’t write poems; I write eviscerating daggers of truth . . . . I have made it my mission to change the world for the better, to follow in the footsteps of such trailblazing luminaries as Emmeline Pankhurst, Rosa Parks and that guy who played Mr. Sulu on Star Trek.

For her honesty, Titania is figuratively drawn and quartered with the executioner’s techniques of the present age. She is sometimes unfollowed and was once temporarily banned on Twitter for a day. There’s not even an emoji for that.

Some human experiences are impossible to describe because language itself is inherently limited. The collected works of William Shakespeare touch upon love and betrayal but fail to define them concisely. “World War II” does not begin to depict that particular car crash.

Woke: A Guide to Social Justice is one of those things. Any attempt to discuss it—as Tucker Carlson did and as I have done here—is a malignant self-gratifying gesture that diminishes the book like a fat joke in the workplace that would get someone fired.

We are typical privileged white males appropriating Titania McGrath’s idiosyncratic zeal without her consent. That is no different than forcibly groping her in 1983.

Titania McGrath would be perfectly justified to look me in the eye and tweet #MeToo.

I will stop now and apologize to anyone I have ever injured. Titania McGrath has achieved her purpose in this reader. I am Woke.

A parody couldn’t do that.

America • Democrats • feminists • Post • Pro-Life • Republicans • Satire • The Culture • The Left

44 Men and Women . . . and a Baby

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In the 1987 movie, “Three Men and a Baby,” three carefree bachelors who find a baby on their doorstep don’t hesitate to give that baby the care it needs to thrive.

But today, what happens when 44 men and women are asked to declare that a newborn baby—found not on a doorstep, but delivered “accidentally” in a medical facility after a failed abortion attempt—must be given the necessary care from a healthcare practitioner? The 44 men and women—all of them Democrats in the U.S. Senate—refused to make this declaration, and essentially authorized healthcare practitioners to withhold basic care from newborns until the babies die of neglect.

The bachelors of “Three Men and a Baby” knew that the first order of business was to take care of the child. If ever there was an OMG moment, this was it. When it came to baby-caring procedures, these guys were clueless. Nevertheless, it was a no-brainer. What choice did they have? They could not just let the baby die of neglect.

But 44 Senate Democrats, including every senator now declared to be running for president, refused to vote for a bill that would have required “health care practitioners” to provide a living and breathing newborn with “the proper degree of care.”

OMG indeed! Who wouldn’t vote for this? It ought to have been a no-brainer even for clueless Senate Democrats. A health care practitioner has no other choice but to care for the baby. Well, there is one other choice. It’s the “I-word.” By rejecting basic human decency, these 44 senators voted to sanction infanticide in cases where abortion was intended.

First, they came for the babies. Those “certain” unalienable rights—including, above all, life—don’t seem so certain anymore.

With their 44 votes, “progressive” Democrats have made a sharp U-turn all the way back to the child sacrifice rituals of the Aztecs. Those barbarians sacrificed their babies to beseech the gods. Democrats, and fellow-traveling socialists, sacrifice babies to appease their fanatic base—and to follow the money. As one of their up-and-coming luminaries stated in another context, “It’s all about the Benjamins” that flow between the likes of Planned Parenthood, NARAL, and the campaign coffers of these Senate Democrats.

After the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” debacle, is there anything about which Americans still can agree? Sure. There’s always “baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet.”

This enduring catchphrase—intended to unload lots of Chevys—actually conveys an important message. It helps us all come together around things that are quintessentially American. Julie Andrews, as the Austrian Maria von Trapp, sang about raindrops on roses and schnitzel with noodles. But baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet . . . these are a few of our favorite things.

Now would be a propitious time for the Senate to enact the “Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet Act.” But how would the Senate 44 react to a bill that states very simply: “America loves Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Chevrolet?”

Typically, this type of feel-good bill is passed unanimously on a voice vote. So it should be no problem to get these Senators to sign on to it. Certainly, the sentiment is without controversy.

Well, maybe just a little controversy here and there.

Singling out baseball would not be prudent for the many Senators whose states have football and basketball teams. It just wouldn’t be a good look for a party that’s all-in on “inclusion.”

No telling what voting Yea on this bill would do to Kamala Harris’s chances. Undoubtedly, she fears offending Rams and Lakers fans? Amy Klobuchar’s support for this bill would, most likely, send thousands of frantic Vikings and Timberwolves supporters to safe spaces. With Vermont having no professional teams, Bernie Sanders would have no dog in this fight, but he’d vote against the bill anyway, calling it an affront to soccer, to which he took a strong liking years ago when honeymooning in the Soviet Union.

And then there’s the little matter of the “National Anthem.” It’s an integral part of every baseball game. How would it look if these Democrats indicated support for a pastime that urges all those in attendance to stand and salute the flag? Their base would erupt, and they’d have to contend with all those fatuous Colin Kaepernick tweets.

OK, a modified bill stating “America loves Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet” would be just fine.

Actually, there are serious issues with hot dogs. Too many nitrates, let’s face it. And of course, there’s the obvious slight to hamburgers and pizza. Much more egregious is how this bill displays a stunning culinary insensitivity to other forms of cuisine developed without the benefit of white privilege.

And vegans. Let’s not forget about this important Democratic Party constituency. Vegans would be horrified. To them, this bill would be a constant reminder of the ongoing slaughter of cows and pigs.

Realizing that a shout-out to hot dogs would increase the demand for cows and pigs, AOC types would be apoplectic. All those emissions! Leaves a bad taste when it comes to implementing Green New Deal policies.

So that leaves “America loves Apple Pie and Chevrolet.” Not too shabby.

Except that apple pie is loaded with gluten, which has fallen into disfavor among yet another vital Democratic constituency. For these gluten-free enthusiasts, hearing Democrats advocate for apple pie would, no doubt, get their bowels in an uproar.

To make matters worse, many people add a scoop of ice cream to apple pie, something that the lactose intolerant couldn’t tolerate. It would be unseemly for Democrats to ignore their plight. Only Bernie Sanders could support the bill, but it would have to include a Ben and Jerry mandate, designating Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, produced in Vermont, as the only ice cream in America that could be eaten with apple pie.

You can’t always get what you want. “America loves Chevrolet” would still be a laudable effort.

I know what you’re thinking. It wouldn’t be fair. But there is a definite precedent for promoting one auto manufacturer over another, and specifically Chevrolet.

It wasn’t that many years ago when President Obama was singing the praises of Chevrolet for producing the Volt, an electric vehicle. “When I’m not president anymore, I’ll buy one and drive it myself.”

Let’s hope that in the last couple of years, Obama got around to buying a Volt. If not, it’s too late. Chevrolet recently discontinued the model, because no one, other than Obama, was interested in buying one. It turns out that the majority of Chevrolet’s sales and profits come from gas-guzzling SUVs and trucks. What are the chances of getting Democrat votes for this climate change-inducing entity?

Unfortunately, it’s clear that this bill will join the protecting-baby bill, and die in the Senate. Perhaps that’s fitting. After all, Democrats have proven that death becomes them.

To avoid being tagged with the “Death Lover” moniker, expect Democrats to rush out a bill, showing their deep allegiance to America. All 47 senators who caucus with the Democrats would proudly hail a bill proclaiming “America loves . . . something.”

As the hordes of Democratic presidential candidates begin to campaign, you might be tempted—if you’re partial to carnival freak shows—to drop by a campaign event. If you go, don’t expect hot dogs or apple pie. So it’s best to BYO.

And if you’re pregnant, and your baby’s due date is approaching—stay home!

Photo credit: iStock/Getty Images

Deep State • Democrats • Post • Russia • Satire

Exclusive: Fusion GPS Demands to be Paid

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This letter from Fusion GPS accounts receivable to Perkins Coie, the law firm that helped facilitate opposition research for Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign, found its way to American Greatness via a mysterious courier and may or may not be on the level. Let’s call it “fake but accurate.”

To: Mark Elias, Perkins Coie

From: Fusion GPS, Accounts receivable

Subject: Billing dispute regarding services rendered in the 2016 election cycle

Dear Mr. Elias,

Fusion GPS is in receipt of the letter questioning our itemized bill to your firm. On behalf of Fusion GPS, we are happy to clarify our services and remind you that the full amount stated remains due.

  1. Questions regarding meal expenses associated with the June 9, 2016, Trump Tower meeting.

As you know, Donald Trump Jr. met with two Russians in June 2016. Media outlets repeatedly have cited this meeting as a smoking gun for Trump/Russia collusion (here, here, and here, for example). Thus it came as a considerable surprise to Fusion GPS that your firm would dispute charges associated with the meeting.

We respectfully remind you that the meeting included two Russians: Natalia Veselnitskaya and Rinat Akhmetshin. We knew Ms. Veselnitskaya because, for more than two years, we shared a client, Denis Katsyv. She dined with our founder Glenn Simpson immediately before and after the meeting at Trump Tower. Ms. Veselnitskaya used research from Fusion GPS as bait to lure Donald Trump Jr. into the meeting.

Similarly, we worked with Mr. Akhmetshin and indeed traded emails with him in the weeks leading up to the meeting. I’m sure you can appreciate the importance of actually having a meeting between Russians and senior officials in the Trump campaign as a way to advance the Trump/Russia collusion project. With this information, we trust your questions regarding these billable items have been resolved.

  1. Questions regarding the accuracy of the Dossier assessment of the Cohen trip to Prague.

Fusion GPS acknowledges that the dossier incorrectly alleges that Donald Trump’s former attorney Michael Cohen traveled to Prague to pay or discuss paying the hackers who obtained emails from the DNC and/or Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta. Fusion GPS further acknowledges that Michael Cohen indeed did not travel to Prague. We further acknowledge that the dossier could have, and perhaps should have, alleged Cohen paid the hackers while in London—a location to which Cohen did travel. However, we believe no refund is due.

In spite of the denials by Michael Cohen himself, pictures of his passport, and the absence of any criminal charge from Special Counsel Robert Mueller related to a Prague trip, our allies in the media continue to maintain that the Cohen trip to Prague could have happened and many still believe that it did. Therefore, Fusion GPS considers this a successful operation which incurred the intended benefit to you, our client, and for which operation our firm is owed payment in full.

  1. Payments to Nellie Ohr.

Fusion GPS acknowledges your questions about why it would be necessary to pay both Christopher Steele, who purportedly obtained information directly from Russian sources, and the Russia specialist researcher Nellie Ohr. Certainly, if Mr. Steele had information directly from reliable Russian sources, it might not make sense also to hire Ms. Ohr.

We remind you, however, that Ms. Ohr’s husband, Bruce Ohr, acted as a senior attorney in the Department of Justice and handed over the Steele information directly to the FBI.

Steele’s dossier, we also remind you, was used by the FBI to obtain the all-important FISA warrant against former campaign figure Carter Page. In contrast, we note that the similar parallel dossier (prepared directly by Mrs. Clinton’s ally, Cody Shearer) received very little traction when Sidney Blumenthal attempted to promote it to the State Department despite there being an existing network of Clinton sympathizers who remained there. Thus, I’m sure you will agree, payments to Ms. Ohr were an integral part of the success of the operation.

  1. Disclosure of Clinton’s financing of the dossier.

Fusion GPS acknowledges your displeasure with the revelation that the Clinton presidential campaign and the Democratic National Committee were the ultimate sources of funding for the dossier. We fought vigorously and did everything possible to prevent Congress from obtaining our financial records.

While the disclosure was regrettable, we disclosed this information as a way of preventing further and even more damaging disclosures of bank records which would have revealed the identities of journalists who received money from Fusion GPS to do “research” on the Russia matter. We remind you that these reporters would be of no use to us if they were exposed for taking money from Fusion GPS.

We also remind you that the complaint to the Federal Elections Commission over your payments to our firm has stalled indefinitely. These laws are not enforced against the Clintons or their surrogates. We see no reason for Perkins Coie to be concerned.

  1. Mistakes concerning Paul Manafort.

In his dossier, Steele claimed that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort oversaw communication between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin. We recognize that the New York Times (quoting Putin-allied oligarch Oleg Deripaska) since exposed this claim as “preposterous.”

Nevertheless, the conviction of Manafort is frequently cited by our allies in the media as evidence of Russia collusion (here, for example). The fact that this impression would persist after more than two years even after being debunked is simply more evidence of Fusion GPS’s extraordinary skill in this craft. You’re welcome.

  1. Subsequent funding from other sources.

Fusion GPS acknowledges that its continued work on the Trump/Russia project has been financed by George Soros and a group of Silicon Valley billionaires. While this project continues the work Fusion GPS undertook for candidate Clinton in the 2016 election, it is separate and apart from the obligations of Perkins Coie. The money we’re receiving from these patrons is being applied to new work, not the bill of Perkins Coie.

Fusion GPS stands ready for future projects. When you next make a contribution to Kamala Harris, we would appreciate if you would let her know that we’re ready to start a project for 2020.

Please express our regret to Mrs. Clinton about the outcome of the election and the failure of the special counsel to trigger a prompt impeachment of her political opponent.

Nevertheless, we stand by the impressive public relations results achieved during your limited engagement of our firm. We are confident that, upon reflection, you will remit the balance owed.

Sincerely,

Accounts Receivable

Photo Credit: Getty Images

KBO • Satire

The Jonah Goldberg Variations

Jonah Goldberg, National Review’s encephalitic version of Mark Steyn, plans to launch a media company. Written in Graffiti, the digital shorthand for the Palm Pilot, Goldberg said the company would be a conservative alternative for bankruptcy lawyers in search of future assets to liquidate.

According to Goldberg: “It’s time I run my own shop with other people’s money. And while I could pitch my idea on ‘Shark Tank,’ I trust markets over experienced and inquisitive investors.” Goldberg, who is the author of multiple unsent resignation letters, called his departure from NR “hard but necessary, as I have a president to defeat, a country to save, and snacks to eat. The rest is commentary. Or Commentary.”

Asked to comment on Goldberg’s announcement, John Podhoretz, editor of Commentary magazine, said (after a coughing fit, outside a robbery investigation of a bakery on New York’s Upper West Side): “Jonah is the greatest columnist of his generation. If I were Trump, I’d be as scared of him as I am of vegetables.”

George Will, a contributor to NR and a frequent critic of the Trump Administration, compared Goldberg to Nathan Hale, John Peter Zenger, and Thomas Jefferson.

“In a propitious test of whether liberty can endure, the question is, ‘Shall we drown with the whale, inside the whale, or shall we swim to the shores of verdant hills and majestic horizons, where, to paraphrase Ronald Reagan, we will go ahead and make our day?’ Jonah is our captain. From such leaders do vessels sail.”

Goldberg downplayed the comparison, saying: “I am blessed to have such good friends. When I fail, I know they will still print my copy.”

Photo credit: C-Span

America • Democrats • Energy • Environment • Post • Satire

Power from Nothing, Checks for Free

With utmost apologies to Dire Straits . . .

(Thin falsetto) I want my AOC
(Smattering of drums)
(Enter Mark Knopfler’s guitar on fire)

Look at them moo-cows gassing off their methane
That’s going to change now with AOC
She’s got a plan, too good to spell out fully
That plan is known as GND

Don’t like working, you don’t have to do it
Wait—that’s a lie from the RNC
But GND will guarantee employment
Your power from nothing, and your checks for free

We gotta outlaw gasoline engines
Protect frontline communitie-e-e-s
We must treat coal like Adolf Hitler
We gotta make you carbon free

Ignore that little FAQ’s sheet exposing our intentions
(Yeah buddy that high-speed rail)
That little FAQ’s sheet could never take your airplanes
That little FAQ sheet’s just a first draft fail

We gotta remove market incentives
Give away technologie-e-e-s
We gotta stop all this changing weather
We gotta make you carbon free

We need to lead with zero emissions
We need a far-sighted 10-year plan
Look at that Mama she’s stickin’ it to corporations
Yeah, she sticks it to the Man

And Trump’s up there, making lots of noises
He’s bangin’ out his tweets like a chimpanzee
It ain’t workin’, America wants action
Check it out on CNN and NBC

AOC, that’s the way you do it
Just like the moon shot from history
The DNC already has approved it
Your power from nothing and your checks for free

We’ve got to shut down nuclear reactors
Prioritize sustainability-y-y
We gotta rebuild everyone’s houses
With power from nothing and those checks for free
With power from nothing and those checks for free . . .

That ain’t workin’.

feminists • Post • Satire • The Culture

Baby It’s Woke Outside

I wish I could say (Don’t say it, it’s woke outside)
Those statues should stay (Don’t say it, it’s woke outside)
I really adore (There’s trouble in store)
Robert E. Lee (You’ll never say that on TV!)

I probably should just keep quiet (Beautiful, you should try it)
ANTIFA will be pounding my door (It better have a reinforced core)
I thought Apu was a riot (The Simpsons? Now I really don’t buy it)

I think PC is a bore (You’re the basket case I choose to deplore)
It’s a good bet (Don’t say it, we’re mad out there)
That Islam’s a threat (More cabs to be had out there)
I wish they would build (There’s jobs to be filled)

That border wall (You must not have a heart at all)
I don’t believe global warming (What about my 10-year warning?)
You couldn’t change your sex if you tried (There’s always things a surgeon could hide)

But I really can’t say . . . (Honey, I’ll freakout)
‘Cause baby it’s woke outside

I wish I could say (Don’t say it, it’s woke out there)
Merry Christmas some way (Sorry, it’s woke out there)
But we all know (White Christmas must go)
It could offend (You’re gonna break if you don’t bend)

The snowflakes would start crying (I kinda wish you were lying)
The marginalized few would roar (I warned you not to make the kids sore)
When I finished apologizing (Your tone will need analyzing )
They’d demand I apologize more (We’re only trying to even the score)

Facebook would can (They’ll dox you, it’s woke outside)
And Twitter would ban (They’ll block you, it’s woke outside)
Clearly it seems (Delete your Redskins memes)
I must conform (I really love this PC storm)

If I don’t they’ll start to get snarky (You’re colonized by patriarchy)
And say that I’m full of white pride (It hurts to have privilege denied)
So I really can’t say, (Sister, there’s no out)

‘Cause baby it’s woke outside

Wait, did you call me Baby?

Photo Credit: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios

Center for American Greatness • Deep State • Intelligence Community • Mueller-Russia Witch Hunt • Post • Russia • Satire

Welcome Back to the Big Bully Boy Scout Show

Like a long-running entertainment, the Boy Scout Show, starring the lugubrious Robert Mueller as the big bully himself, is back. Off the air for some months as the people who brought you “Senator Spartacus Battles Brett Kavanaugh” and “Midterm Mayhem,” along with a special workshop on “How Democrats Can Manufacture Ballots at the Last Moment to Steal an Election,” the Big Bully Boy Scout is once again entertaining thousands across the fruited plain.

Well, it’s entertaining the media pundits in Washington and New York, anyway.

The producers of this interminable entertainment have learned a thing or two from other soap operas. For one thing, some of your favorite characters who had seemed to be written out of the script have made miraculous recoveries and, word has it, are signed for important parts in the entire season that just got underway.

Paul Manafort, for example, whom script writers seemed to have killed off last season, is back with gusto. The Bully Boy Scout and his stable of potty prosecutors (potty prosecutor No. 1: Anthony Weismann, who rumor has it is looking for another major U.S. company to destroy this season, the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen having whetted his appetite) are whining loudly about old Paul.

The season opener brought Manafort back with a bang as headlines blared that he broke his plea agreement with Big Bully Mueller. Part of the excitement revolved around the fact that no one who was not part of the inner circle had any idea what the sharp tooth emissaries of state power were talking about.

The charge was that Manafort lied “to the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Special Counsel’s Office on a variety of subject matters, which constitute breaches of the agreement.” But “a variety of subject matters” covers a multitude of possibilities, which of course is exactly the point of this Kafkaesque charade in which dozens of people are swept up in the insatiable maw of prosecutorial frenzy. Remember George Papadopoulos? He apparently told prosecutors that his favorite flavor of ice cream was chocolate when they had phone and social media record demonstrating that it was strawberry. So he is just about to start a 14-day sentence in jail for the outrage.

Television audiences across the country wonder what will happen to General Michael Flynn, bête noir of the deep state, who was briefly Donald Trump’s national security advisor until the Bully Boy Scout sprang a perjury trap on him. His sentencing date is pending.

On Tuesday night, the Drudge Report had huge red headlines about Jerome Corsi, the Info Warrior who was granted limited immunity by the special counsel in exchange for information about Roger Stone, who is also making a comeback. But the real news about Corsi is that he is refusing to sign a plea agreement. “I will not sign a plea agreement that is a lie—I never ‘willfully and knowingly’ gave false information to the FBI or the Special Counsel,” Corsi wrote to his lawyer.

It’s almost impossible to keep the ever-expanding cast of characters in this dramatic mini-series straight. Really, it’s like a long Russian novel, but one with no collusion, only an endless cast of characters and an involuted, nearly impossible-to-follow plot. One thing that several observers have noted is that only one tranche of characters is getting the limelight. Roger Stone suggested as much when he observed, in one of the best lines of the entire series, “John Podesta makes Paul Manafort look like St. Thomas Aquinas. Where is the New York Times?”

Good question. Inquiring minds want to know. Why haven’t the New York Times and the rest of the Democratic party media apparatus—to say nothing of the office of the special counsel—taken an interest in the Podesta brothers, John and Tony? The latter  worked with Paul Manafort in the Ukraine, the former was the head of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. Interesting, no?

And if we’re interested in people who lied to the FBI or Congress or Mueller’s office, why aren’t John Brennan and James Clapper and James Comey on the set, prepping for their comebacks? What about Susan Rice and Loretta Lynch and Andrew McCabe and Glenn Simpson? What about Hillary “What’s an email server” Clinton herself?

As I have noted many times, the entire Mueller sideshow has nothing to with any alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians for the simple reason that there was no collusion. It is a gigantic blind, a smoke screen, concocted by people like John “I voted for Gus Hall and still became head of the CIA” Brennan and the Obama Justice Department.

In a way, the despicable Robert Mueller is just a patsy in this surreal carnival. He has been empowered, at great public expense ($40 million and counting), to Get Trump. That’s the unspoken brief. Along the way, of course, he gobbles up the lives of a wide circle of the president’s associates in order to make such association toxic. His lack of curiosity, and lack of ferocity, about Glenn Simpson and his X-rated, fact-free dossier, the fairy tale that got the whole “Russian collusion” meme started in the first place, speaks volumes.

So grab the popcorn and get ready for season two of the Big Bully Boy Scout Show. There is sure to be a lot more theater and probably some memorable performances. What it has to do with the pursuit of justice is difficult to discern. But justice was never the point, nor was the truth about what happened in the 2016 election. The point is to stage the great anti-Donald Trump burlesque, partly to correct the mistake of the 2016 election which somehow ushered him into the White House, partly to cover up the truth about the Clinton campaign’s and the Obama Administration’s involvement in the effort to rig and election and then, when that failed, to destroy the Trump presidency.

It’s the biggest political scandal in American history, but that story will not be aired on CNN or reported in the pages of the New York Times.

Content created by the Center for American Greatness, Inc. is available without charge to any eligible news publisher that can provide a significant audience. For licensing opportunities for our original content, please contact licensing@centerforamericangreatness.com.

Photo Credit: Alex Wong/Getty Images

Democrats • feminists • GOPe • Identity Politics • Post • Satire

‘The Summer of ’82’: High Stakes Drama for the Masses

The Summer of ’82,” (DNC Productions). Executive producer Dianne Feinstein; Starring Christine Blasey Ford and Brett Kavanaugh; co-starring the Senate Judiciary Committee. Limited release beginning September 27.

Word has it this production had been in the works only since mid-summer, and in late September producers opted to greenlight the project. That was a risky move, but the national audience had little doubt that the star, decked out in authentic Anita Hill blue, was well cast.

“My name is Christine Blasey Ford,” she said. “I am a professor of psychology at Palo Alto University and a research psychologist at the Stanford University School of Medicine. I was an undergraduate at the University of North Carolina and earned my degree in experimental psychology in 1988. I received a master’ degree in 1991 in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University. In 1996, I received a Ph.D. in educational psychology from the University of Southern California. I earned a master’s degree in epidemiology from the Stanford University School of Medicine in 2009.”

As David Huddleston said after Gabby Johnson’s speech in “Blazing Saddles,” “Now who can argue with that?” Yet audiences had cause to wonder. The professor wore oversized coke-bottle glasses that gave her a loony cross-eyed look. Close shots revealed a kind of hard Nick Nolte profile and some viewers may have been reminded of Michael Caine’s “Bobbi” character in “Dressed to Kill.”

The professor confidently delivered authentic psycho-medical jargon such as, “the etiology of PTSD is multifactoral.” Yet in much of her testimony the 50-something academic spoke in the quavering voice of a frightened teenager. That befitted the back story, a real bodice ripper.

“I was pushed onto the bed and Brett got on top of me,” the star said. “He began running his hands over my body and grinding his hips into me. I yelled, hoping someone downstairs might hear me, and tried to get away from him, but his weight was heavy. Brett groped me and tried to take off my clothes. He had a hard time because he was so drunk, and because I was wearing a one-piece bathing suit under my clothes. I believed he was going to rape me. I tried to yell for help. When I did, Brett put his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. This was what terrified me the most, and has had the most lasting impact on my life. It was hard for me to breathe, and I thought that Brett was accidentally going to kill me. Both Brett and Mark were drunkenly laughing during the attack.”

The use of “Brett” for co-star Brett Kavanaugh indicated familiarity. The professor maintained her best sotto voce tremolo and delivered her lines in convincing style, as though the attempted rape had just happened. Yet the performance demands considerable suspension of disbelief.

Professor Ford said she had one beer at the party but could not remember where the party took place, when the party took place, how she got there, how she got home, and so forth. Previous scripts pegged the party in the mid-1980s but now it was the summer of 1982.

Professor Ford said she knew who was there, but those she named had filed sworn statements that they had no memory of this party. One statement came from good friend, Leland Keyser, but the professor had an explanation. Leland faced “significant health challenges” and was getting treatment. So if there was any mistake, it was all on Leland, not the star professor.

In fairness, this may have been due to the screenwriters, who had been careful to insert in Ford’s dialogue terms from actual legal language of sexual attack, such as “grinding.” And the lawyered-up star with the Ph.D. from USC, who was “100 percent” certain Brett had committed a violent sex crime, said she did not know the meaning of “exculpatory evidence.” When he faced the camera, Brett took up the thread himself.

The accusation was not only uncorroborated, he said, but refuted by those who had no memory of the event. So what was going on here, Brett said, was a “calculated and orchestrated political hit,” and “a grotesque and coordinated character assassination.” Many in the audience may have recalled the 1991 thriller “High-Tech Lynching,” in which Clarence Thomas goes off on Democrats Biden, Kennedy, Metzenbaum et al. Even so, early audience reaction was mixed.

Executive Producer Dianne Feinstein and her colleague Mazie Hirono believe accusation equals guilt, so how do you argue with that? Vietnam veteran impersonator Senator Richard Blumenthal asked Brett, “do you believe Anita Hill?”

The FBI has investigated Brett Kavanaugh six times, but in a late plot twist one Republican joined Democrats in a call for yet another FBI investigation. That was Jeff Flake, who may be an example of what William Blake called fearful symmetry.

All told, “The Summer of ’82” delivers plenty of emotion and suspense but no dénouement. No date has been announced for the sequel.

Photo Credit: Mario Tama/Getty Images

Democrats • feminists • Identity Politics • Post • Satire • The Left

The Devil Went Down to the Senate Judiciary Committee

Sung to the tune of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”)

***

The Devil wrote a note to Feinstein, he was lookin’ to have some fun…

“Heard you’re in a bind, gettin’ way behind, and I remembered I owe you one…

“So here’s an old somethin’, which didn’t happen and nobody saw—

“You can bet your withered soul (which I already stole) it’ll stop Judge Kavanaugh.”

***

“Now I know it won’t surprise you, Di, I’m a politician too—

“And I know just how to stop a nomination goin’ through.

“Got a libel here so lurid,that it cannot be ignored:

“You just play this tune I wrote, along with Christine Blasey Ford.”

***

Feinstein, rosin up that bow, and play your violin—

You’ll try to keep it screeching, ‘til the Senate’s blue again—

And if you win, you’ll hang on to a semblance of control –

But win or lose, you’ve forfeited your soul….

***

Christine Ford’s lawyer up and said, “Let’s not quite start this show—

“Our story’s not quite made up yet, but we’re almost ready to go.”

So the GOP submissively passed a megaphone to Chris,

And the Left-wing media joined right in and it sounded somethin’ like this…

***

(Several minutes of angry screeching.)

***

Now Kavanaugh was an Irish lad; he said “Devil, watch your step;

“They taught me classical violin when I went to Georgetown Prep…

“Now, you may know fiddlin’ with the law, but I’ve heard that tune you played—

It’s my turn now, and I’ll overturn you just like I will ‘Roe V. Wade’. ”

***

And he played:

***

“Dirty tricks ain’t no surprise—

The Devil’s in your details, outright lies ;

Democrat corruption, pilin’ up dough.

Someone tell the Clintons: “‘No’ means ‘no’.”

***

The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat.

Mumblin’, “I got to find somebody else who could fill her Senate seat….”

Brett said, “Devil, go home, you’re outta your league, ‘cause when it comes to law,

You could never beat Scalia—and you won’t beat Kavanaugh.”

Photo Credit: Getty Images

feminists • Law and Order • Post • Satire

Christine Blasey Ford Calls 911

At a police station in Maryland, a phone rings and a female officer answers.

911: Hello, 911. What is your emergency?

Ford: Hello, police? Someone just tried to rape me.

911: Tried to rape you?

Ford: Yes. Tried to rape me.

911:  What’s your name?

Ford: Christine.

911:  What happened?

Ford: Well, the guy was really drunk.

911: OK. He was drunk.

Ford: The guy was really drunk and he tried to take my clothes off.

911: Then what happened?

Ford: I tried to scream but he put his hand over my mouth.

911: OK, then what happened?

Ford: He tried to rape me but he did not succeed.

911: So there was no actual rape?

Ford: No, but he tried, believe me. And that’s a crime.

911: Ma’am, at this police station we know the laws of the state of Maryland. We know that rape is a crime.

Ford: Good, so . . .

911: Who is this drunk who tried to take off your clothes intending to rape you?

Ford:  Uh, I can’t really say.

911: You can’t say or you don’t know?

Ford: Uh, I guess I don’t know who he was. Kinda. Sorry.

911: Ever see him before?

Ford: Uh. Not that I know of.

911: Any witnesses to the attempted rape?

Ford: Yes, there were two drunks in the room.

911: So the attacker had an accomplice?

Ford: Yes. Wait, there might have been three others in the room.

911: Three others? So four in all?

Ford: Yes, there were four. I think I remember that. Or maybe just two.

911: Maybe just two. Any names of any of the others?

Ford: Uh, no. I don’t know any of the names. But I know they are all from an upscale prep school.

911: Do you recall the name of the school?

Ford: Uh. No I don’t. But as you know there are plenty of schools like that in this area.

911: Did the attack take place in a residence?

Ford: Yes, it was a party at a private residence.

911: Had you been to a party like that before?

Ford: Uh, yes I had.

911: What is the address where this party occurred? The homeowners may have more information?

Ford: Uh, I can’t say. I don’t know the address. I don’t know who owns the place or even where it is.

911: You don’t know the location of the place you were attacked?

Ford: No, I don’t. Sorry.

911: How did you get to the residence? Did a friend perhaps drive you?

Ford: Uh. I don’t recall just how I got there. Kinda.

911: Were you drinking at the time?

Ford: Look, I’m not going to talk about that. I mean, I have a right to privacy, okay?

911: OK. What time did the attack take place?

Ford: Uh, I don’t know.

911: How did you get home after the attack?

Ford: Uh, I’m not sure about that either.

911: But you are sure this drunk preppie tried to rape you?

Ford: Yes. I’m sure about that. He tried to take off my clothes and when I screamed he put his hand over my mouth.

911: Did you maybe grab an article of his clothing?

Ford: No I didn’t.

911: No scratches or wounds of any kind?

Ford: No.

911: Did you tell anybody else? Friends? Parents? Teachers?

Ford: No, I didn’t.

911: OK. Do you want to come in and file a formal police report?

Ford: Uh, no. I don’t want to file a police report.

911: You realize, ma’am, that without a police report it’s pretty hard for us to respond in any meaningful way?

Ford: I don’t understand why. I told you the story.

911: Just so you know, if you do file a police report with false information you can be charged for that.

Ford: I can?

911: Yes, you can. It’s actually a serious matter because anyone accused of a crime is presumed to be innocent.

Ford: But he tried to . . .

911: You might keep that in mind, ma’am. The accuser has to prove the person guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. And without the address, time of the crime, name and description of the attacker, and with no witness or physical evidence, you won’t have much of a case.

Ford: But I told you the story.

911: In fact, you won’t have any case at all. You have given us essentially nothing. No evidence.

Ford: But I told you what happened.

911: You did, but here’s the thing: a story is not evidence of a crime. An accusation is not evidence. Just so you know.

Ford: So I can’t just tell you the story?

911: Not the way you did just now. We need things called “facts.”

Ford: So you aren’t going to do anything?

911: Based on what you said, ma’am, no police department in the United States would touch this case.

Ford: What about the FBI?

911: It’s not a federal jurisdiction. No, they wouldn’t.  If you had specifics for us, maybe we could bring in an FBI profiler or crime scene specialist, but you don’t know where the crime scene is, who attempted the rape, or when it took place. The FBI would have nothing to investigate.

Ford: Don’t you care that someone tried to rape me?

911: Yes, I care, and this department has arrested and convicted rapists. But in those cases we had something to go on. You have given us nothing.

Ford: So can you help me at all?

911: Maybe. You might buy a can of black spray paint, find yourself a retaining wall, and write your story there.

Ford: Excuse me, what?

911: You just . . .  sorry, I’ve got another call coming in. Good luck with your story, ma’am. Somebody will believe it.

Post • Satire

Mr. Anonymous Strikes Again!

America • Free Speech • Post • Pro-Life • Religion and Society • Republicans • Satire • The Constitution • The Courts • The Left • The Media • The Resistance (Snicker)

Brett Kavanaugh’s America

There’s so much being said about Brett Kavanaugh, President Trump’s choice for the Supreme Court. How can anyone keep up?

If you’re reading American Greatness, you’ve probably read about the judge’s impeccable credentials and character. And if you saw Kavanaugh address the press at the White House after the president introduced him, you would have seen a good and principled man. A mensch. Yes, Kavanaugh is Catholic. But you don’t have to be Jewish to be a mensch.  

But is he the man for the job? Come on. Just take a look at him, and you see the Poster Guy for a Supreme Court Justice.

OK, not everyone sees it. Elected Democrats at all levels, leftist agitators, fraudulent media acolytes—the Excess of Awful—see something entirely different.

Like Cole, the boy in The Sixth Sense, who sees dead people, a lot of Trump opponents look at Brett Kavanaugh and see a dead agenda. Every unpopular and destructive item on their wish list, all of which pretty much eviscerates the Bill of Rights—from curtailing speech and restricting religious liberty to confiscating guns—is completely dead the day Kavanaugh takes his seat on the bench.

It’s not a secret that the modus operandi of all card-carrying members of this Excess of Awful is to fundamentally transform the United States of America by foisting radical changes on the American people, changes that permanently alter culture and customs and lifestyles.

It’s a tough job, and #TheResistance is ready to do it. But they can’t do it alone. What they need most of all is to get like-minded Supreme Court justices to do the heavy lifting for them. These JINOs—Judges in Name Only—eschew their role as judges, and morph into legislators. Actually, Politburo lackeys better describe how they view the laws and the Constitution. With a 5-4 vote, these fraudulent judges can decree a slew of laws that could never be passed through the normal legislative process.

Right now, this leftist cabal has only four reliable Supreme Accomplices sitting on the high court. To succeed with their putsch, they desperately need to add a fifth. President Trump, getting the opportunity to make this Supreme Court selection, and denying them a fifth judge, has them apoplectic.

Senate hearings will begin soon. And the ugly will get uglier. So why endure the hate fest? I know. Everyone likes to peek at a car wreck. And with the Democrats and their ilk, it’s easily a ten-car pile-up. But why succumb to your voyeuristic impulses? Look no further than the list below to grasp the lunacy about to be unleashed on the American public. Then move on and enjoy the summer.

Women in Kavanaugh’s America
Brett Kavanaugh’s America will be The Handmaid’s Tale on steroids.

Right out of the gate, Kavanaugh will ban pussy hats.

Within days, Kavanaugh will overturn Roe v. Wade, and “Orange is the New Black” will become reality television, as millions of women will be sent to jail. And those will be the fortunate ones! Millions of others will die as they converge on the back-alleys across the nation to abort their fetuses with coat hangers distributed by Planned Parenthood.

Guns in Kavanaugh’s America
In Brett Kavanaugh’s America, the Gunfight at the OK Corral will seem as timid as a game of hopscotch.

Kavanaugh will mandate that all Republicans, suspecting harassment from members of the Maxine Waters Militia, be given a gun.

If attacked in a manner similar to Sarah Sanders’ confrontation at a Red Hen restaurant, Kavanaugh will give permission to shoot the attacker—and shoot to kill!—to avoid the cost of incarceration. (Keep in mind, there will be a shortage of prison space, as most prisons will be filled to capacity with all the women who had illegal abortions.)

Additionally, NRA members will be employed at public schools as security guards. Anyone, but primarily illegal aliens, threatening the lives of the students will be shot dead.

NRA members will also be enlisted to monitor the school bathrooms. Any student claiming to be transgender and attempting to use a bathroom that doesn’t match up with the student’s biological characteristics will be arrested or shot.

Kavanaugh’s Catholic America
Brett Kavanaugh, being a Catholic, will impose his religious beliefs on everyone.

As Catholicism rejects contraception, Kavanaugh will ban all forms of birth control, including the rhythm method.

Additionally, Kavanaugh will require every American to go to confession. He will compel all priests, and ICE agents moonlighting as priests, to divulge any information that might be considered subversive. Guilty parties will be sent to camps currently being constructed in Montana and North Dakota.

How Do You Solve a Problem Named Brett?
America has no place on the nation’s highest court for “some frat boy named Brett.” Judges must have real names like Ruth, Sonia, Elena, Sandra, Thurgood, and Felix.

You can be sure that Kavanaugh is unfazed by the assortment of slings and arrows hurled his way. He knows his adversaries are Lilliputians, and he’s Gulliver.

But frat boy! Those are fighting words.

Kavanaugh’s enemies might want to reconsider their strategy. He’s not one to be trifled with. Once they get him to start searching through all those emanations and penumbras, who can say what he might find? And then, all Brett’s are off.

Photo credit: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

America • Donald Trump • Foreign Policy • Post • Russia • Satire

Will Trump Be Meeting With Putin’s ‘Body Double’?

When President Donald Trump meets Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, the two leaders are expected to discuss NATO, the Middle East and U.S.-Russia relations. But there’s one high-level personnel issue unlikely to be on the agenda.

While the summit will take place behind closed doors, many Russians have already decided the guy getting together with Trump will not be Putin, at least not the real Putin.

Everyone knows the longtime Kremlin boss used to be a “spook.” Now millions of Russians are convinced he’s a ghost and the person meeting with Trump is one of several carefully managed replacement Putins.

“People can see the difference,” said a Russian political insider. “But what difference does it make?”

Russia’s social media and tabloid press have been claiming for years that the original Putin has been body snatched. As evidence, they cite dramatic changes in the new Putin’s appearance, motor skills and the sound of his voice. Then there’s the sudden inability to speak fluent German, which Putin mastered during the Cold War as KGB liaison to the East German secret police.

Some popular Russian bloggers believe Putin was poisoned in a Kremlin coup in March 2015, when he vanished from public view for 10 days. After later reappearing—looking considerably different—to greet the president of Kyrgyzstan, it was reported that “his face was puffy and shiny, and eyes only able to partially open.”

Medical experts said at the time that Putin showed signs of cosmetic surgery and Botox injections. Which did little to dispel rumors of foul play or widespread suspicion his place had been taken by a-half dozen Kremlin-controlled look-alikes.

The women in Putin’s life might offer clarity on the subject, if they were talking. His ex-wife Ludmilla, a former Aeroflot flight attendant, has remarried, changed her name, and moved to France. Olympic gold-medal gymnast Alina Kabaeva, said to be an ongoing romantic interest and the mother of Putin’s love child, has also remained silent.

Keep in mind the latest version of Putin, whoever he is, won a recent presidential election with more than 75 percent of the vote. In other words a sizable portion of Russia’s voting public cast their ballots for someone they knew was probably not the man they voted for, or maybe he was.

Russian leaders have always been a mystery to the masses. The czars only showed themselves to their subjects under carefully controlled circumstances. Communist officials operated in the same way, often staying hidden inside the Kremlin or in limited-access dacha compounds outside of Moscow.

In typical fashion Putin has never put his personal life on display. “I have a private life in which I do not permit interference,” he once said. “It must be respected.”

Given the nature of one-party rule, Russia has a long history of those in charge keeping body doubles around to take a bullet for the boss. Putin certainly is no different. What is different is that many Russians these days think the body doubles may be running the country.

If that’s true, it presents all kinds of interesting possibilities, particularly in Washington, where the infamous Russia probe is into its second year of trying to prove that Donald Trump allegedly colluded with someone who might not even be there.

Photo credit:  Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Big Media • Center for American Greatness • First Amendment • Free Speech • Post • Satire • The Culture • The Media

Countdown to Triviality!

One of the great banes of 21st-century American culture is TV’s “countdown clock,” which ominously winds down to the start of a media hyped event. Because no one protested its initial appearance, the countdown clock today is ubiquitous, heralding everything—except something important.

We’ve seen the countdown clock inject itself in politics, such as the government shutdown; in sports, such as the Super Bowl; and in the celebrity culture, such as the royal wedding.  

Obviously, these events have significance for TV anchors, reporters, and pundits, who garner fame, ratings, and revenues if you watch them explain what your own eyes have just seen on screen.    

For viewers, though, the media fanfare over such events does not make them all of equal—or any—import. Nonetheless, so as to avoid the media feeding frenzy around such an event, it is incredibly stressful for viewers to see the countdown clock ticking away the fleeting seconds of their finite lives while anxiously awaiting the moment to turn off the network and—gasp!—turn on Netflix or YouTube or something else to occupy the fleeting seconds of their finite lives.  

Yes, friends, life is hard; but need it be this hard?    

No. It need not. But how to reconcile viewers and the media to reduce Americans’ stress levels?

As a staunch supporter of the First Amendment and free markets, I cannot and will not advocate banning the countdown clock. I have a far more radical solution.

If we start from the premise that the TV’s countdown clock does provide the dual benefits of letting viewers know if the event started on time; and, ergo, when to avoid the full media feeding frenzy from said event’s commencement through its conclusion. But how does one know that said event is over, seeing as a viewer is not watching the event’s breathless coverage?

Hard as it is to admit, what becomes apparent is we need . . .

A second countdown clock.

Only this clock would start and end with the media’s coverage of the event, including its pre-event promotions, live event reportage, and post-event follow-ups.

The second countdown clock’s appeal to viewers is obvious: they can know when it’s safe to tune back into regularly scheduled network programming without fear of channel surfing into a media feeding frenzy.

Finessing the press might be a bit more difficult, but not impossible. The best approach would be through someone the media utterly trusts—say, an Obama appointee—who could explain the second countdown clock actually helps viewers know “how much time remains to enjoy watching the network talents’ expertise on display.” What TV talent would be heartless enough to refuse to aid viewers in planning their day—no, their lives!—and ensuring “they don’t miss a single second of the on-screen cognoscenti’s wit and wisdom”? I’m betting not a single one of those kind, telegenic souls.

Doubtless, some will argue the impossibility of reaching a consensus and implementing this second countdown clock. But given the stakes are increasing the health and wellness of all Americans by reducing their stress levels, count me as one who stands ready to prove these pessimists wrong.

But not right now. I’ve only got 17 hours and 53 minutes until the royal wedding.

Cheers!

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Photo credit: A screenshot from yourcountdown.to