Earlier this week, a European friend of mine called to wish me a Happy Easter Monday. I had no idea that holiday even existed. Apparently, Easter Monday is celebrated in 116 countries around the world.
Why don’t we celebrate Easter Monday in the United States? What additional holidays should be put on our calendar—after all, Mexico celebrates the “night of radishes,” Japan celebrates “KFC” for Christmas, and Norway celebrates something called “hide the broom.”
I call for Republicans in Congress to immediately bring a bill I call the HOLIDAY (Help Our Lives Improve All the Year) Act to the House Floor, adding the following holidays to the Federal Calendar:
There is No Way I am Going to Work Today Day. No human being should ever be forced to go to work on the day after Christmas. I believe that is cruel and unusual punishment. Same with Christmas Eve, so let’s make Christmas a three-day celebration.
National Sleep-In Day. Let’s be honest, many of us spend January 1 overeating, drinking, and watching sports on TV. We deserve an extra day to recover before going back to work. January 2 should be that day.
Super Bowl Monday. This is not necessarily a new idea, but what red-blooded American would oppose this new official holiday?
Tip-Off Weekend. That’s right—move over Thanksgiving, we are going to put a four-day weekend into March to celebrate the start of the NCAA Basketball tournament. No one works on the first two days of the tournament. At best, we sit at our desks and look at our phones. We take a long lunch and leave work early to find a bar in which to watch the games.
Game Seven Celebration Day. The day after a game seven of any major sports championship—NHL, NBA, MLB—should be a holiday. Since this holiday is not guaranteed every year, we can treat it as a floating holiday.
This Month Has No Holiday Day. Why does the United States discriminate against August? It is the only month on the calendar that has no official holiday. This is unacceptable in today’s day and age. August deserves Equity and Equality with the other months.
There are other rules that need to be incorporated into our holiday calendar and thus into the HOLIDAY Act. First, St. Patrick’s Day should always be celebrated on a Friday, unless we want to add National Hangover Day to March on the 18th. Second, the Fourth of July weekend should always be a four-day weekend. After all, the holiday has the word “Four” in it. Last, the Mondays after both Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day should be holidays.
Many people may be thinking that if we added all these additional holidays, business productivity would fall to unacceptably low levels. Many countries give their citizens four weeks of vacation, plus most of our major holidays—and they manage to keep the lights on for the rest of the year.
In addition, science is on my side. In a survey of working adults, it was found that “following time off, they were more productive (58 percent) and their work quality was better (55 percent).
So, slackers, sports fans, and drinkers, join me in demanding Congress introduce the HOLIDAY Act. Something must be done!