Newsom’s All-California Progressive Cabinet

With his most impressive, slicked back, movie style hair—using more sheen product than anyone on the planet—Progressive Democrat of California, elitist par excellence, and former mayor of San Fransicko, has launched his 2024 presidential campaign. He has even stormed the White House Oval Office while Biden was out of the country putting his feet up on the Resolute desk. 

No one has done more to ravage and damage one city and one state, so why not take his show on the road and try and foist it on an entire nation? 

Make America California 

His strategy for the Golden State has borne such wonderful results (see “Florida or California?”) that his powerbroker family, tied to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), is hellbent on one-party control. Newsom’s final target to shoot for is the house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in the District of Columbia—which, by the way, he also wants to make a state, even while destroying the Electoral College, the nine-justice Supreme Court, the Senate filibuster, and the Second Amendment.

Demented Joe Biden is folding faster than a wrinkled, old, worn-out suit and has no backing. The country has demonstrably turned against him in his just over a year-and-a-half in office. Now his own party—and not just the hardest-core socialists—all of them, are looking for a replacement. At whom are they looking? The egotistical, pretty boy progressive from their model state: California. Who else?

And just who exactly is this Gavin guy? He does act like the lad in high school who was too cool by half and always played the big shot. 

The rich kid, who graduated from Jesuit Santa Clara University in political science (or was it social justice?), has had a lifetime of privileged “lucky” breaks. He founded a winery turned into a restaurant and boutique hotel business, called PlumpJack. Gordon Getty, of Getty family fame and megafortune, was his key investor. Newsom’s brilliant political career itself commenced in 1996 when then-San Francisco mayor, the notorious Willie Brown, put him on the Parking and Traffic Commission. It all rolled uphill from there. 

Newsom’s clever (albeit ghostwritten) book, Citizenville, is about how to use digital tools for democratic change. It is a manifesto for one-party rule and tech manipulation. Sound familiar? It is his game plan. 

Newsom has let it be known that he is dyslexic. He can’t write, read, spell, or do numbers. Strangely, it is a handicap he has used to his advantage. It must be a progressive sympathy thing. 

His 2001 marriage to the busty Kimberly Guilfoyle, a former prosecutor, saw the couple dubbed “the New Kennedys” in a big photo spread in Harper’s Bazaar. Divorce came in 2006, although they do have a daughter together. Opportunist Guilfoyle moved east, joined FOX News, became a Trump supporter, and later advisor when she became the paramour to Donald Trump, Jr.. Her presence alone should fill all the tabloids should Newsom win the nomination and run against Trump. 

The wealthy and highly hypocritical governor, caught in more than one scam, recently sold his $6 million dollar home in tony Nob Hill to move into the California governor’s mansion in Sacramento. He claims he had “good timing.” 

Having sought treatment for alcohol abuse, Newsom says he is now clean and able to fully function. No more PlumpJack. 

When you read his gubernatorial website closely, you can’t help but note that it plays up his “innovative solutions to challenging questions.” It is repeated more than once! That means he is into massive leftist ploys on everything—from same-sex marriage to trans rights, guns (or, actually, their removal), legal marijuana, the elimination of the death penalty, universal healthcare, access to yet more free preschool, criminal justice reform, much higher minimum wages, and always—more and higher taxes. The only sure thing is bigger government. That’s what it means to be progressive. 

California has become a feudal state under Newsom. As it segregates and depopulates California’s economy falters, infrastructure decays, and homelessness and criminality rise. So naturally it is time to export that winning model and Gavin to the country at large. Wouldn’t the whole country like the same deal? It works so well. I doubt if many Mamas and Papas are doing much “California Dreamin’” these days, but we will have to wait and see. 

The only question is who would Gavin the Wonderful, hypocrite-in-chief, put into his all-California progressive cabinet to actually run and ruin America during his presidency. Let us speculate.

Vice President: It has to be Cackling Kamala Harris since no one else will have her and she is a diverse czarina.

Secretary of State: Senator Dianne Feinstein, since she is already in cahoots with the Chinese and has been for years. Her “senior” qualifications are self-evident.

Secretary of Treasury: Gordon Getty is the money man and comes from the richest of California families whose wealth was earned the hard way—he inherited it.

Secretary of Defense: U.S. Representative Eric Swalwell thinks he is brilliant and sleeps with the enemy, keeping them at bay.

Attorney General: Los Angeles County District Attorney George Gascón, one of George Soros’ favorite prosecutors. Los Angeles voters are gearing up to recall him, so he would be available.

Secretary of the Interior: Indian Chief Robert Smith from the California Tribal Coalition, who wants their land back.

Secretary of Agriculture: Teresa Romero, the current head of the United Farm Workers of Caesar Chavez fame.

Secretary of Commerce: Who else? Mark Zuckerbucks, er, Zuckerberg, since he paid for it and does monopoly so well.

Secretary of Labor: Doris Fisher, co-founder of retail clothing giant The Gap, who funded Newsom’s political career from the get-go while using sweatshops around the world.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Chesa Boudin, the recently terminated district attorney of San Francisco. He was raised by domestic terrorists so he knows this space particularly well.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Shireen McSpadden, executive director of San Francisco’s Department of Homelessness and Supportive Housing. She can make the rest of the country as livable as the City by the Bay. 

Secretary of Transportation: Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti. Sure, Joe Biden hasn’t managed to get Garcetti confirmed as his ambassador to India, but the mayor of L.A. knows plenty about how to keep the streets paved and traffic moving. 

Secretary of Energy: Fred Noble, founder of Wintec Energy, a wind farm outfit based in Palm Springs, as he favors replacing the whole power grid with “renewables.”

Secretary of Education: E. Toby Boyd, president of the California Teachers Association, the largest and most powerful (corrupt) public employee union in the state.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Not necessary, as Newsom is doing away with veterans.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Pencil neck and renowned collusionary Representative Adam Schiff.

EPA Administrator: Rod Coronado, the national California-based activist notoriously affiliated with the leaderless Animal Liberation Front, which the FBI has labeled a terrorist group.

U.S. Ambassador to the U.N.: San Francisco Mayor London Breed, because she has an international sounding name.

Finally . . . 

Chief of Staff: Lady Gaga, a Hollywood leftie, to organize the whole shebang. (Can we still say that?)

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About Theodore Roosevelt Malloch

Theodore Roosevelt Malloch, scholar-diplomat-strategist, is CEO of the thought leadership firm The Roosevelt Group. He is the author of 18 books, including The Plot to Destroy Trump and, with Felipe J. Cuello, Trump's World: GEO DEUS. He appears regularly in the media, as a keynote speaker, and on television around the world. 

Photo: Kent Nishimura /Los Angeles Times via Getty Images