Now we know.
The cat is out of the bag. Both Joe and Hunter admitted it—the guy with the “laptop from Hell” is not only the smartest and most respected man the president knows but he is also his top advisor. He deserves much of the credit for where we now find ourselves. He bragged he is literally a “god in his father’s eyes.” Listen for yourself here.
Hunter Biden, in other words, is Joe’s “Top Gun.” Move over Maverick, Tom Cruise is nobody. The real co-pilot is crackhead, porn-addicted, Navy reject, and blow artist—the one and only, Hunter Biden.
Yes, he is the one, we now have it on record: advising, counseling and doing all the heavy policy prescriptions for this very legitimate, 81-million vote-getting, totally failed “president.” Joe Biden, the man with a 29 percent favorable performance rating, is going to get (to use an Obamaesque term) “shellacked” in the midterms. He can now blame it, not on Trump or Putin, or dubious, unreliable supply chains, but on his only surviving-stellar advisor son. Who knew?
The cognitive mess some people believe is president of the United States and leader of the free world is getting his best advice from his “brilliant“ and “accomplished” son, the one who should be indicted and sent to prison; the one who never thought he had to register under FARA laws representing foreign interests; the one who lied on his firearms application; the one who refused to pay child support; the one who with and for the Biden crime family took in well over $50 million dollars in an access and pay-to-play scheme that makes the Clinton’s look like novices and small fries.
As investigative journalist Miranda Devine put it at the New York Post, “as our aged president appears to be slipping cognitively, as well as slipping literally on the stairs of Air Force One, the whole world is wondering who really is in charge at the White House.”
But there is another alarming prospect: the “smartest man” Joe Biden knows, his son, the crack addict-turned-blowpipe artist Hunter Biden, was caught on a recording bragging that his father “would do anything he tells him to do politically.” Friends of Hunter now confess he discusses the finer points of Ukraine and foreign policy and other matters of state around the dinner table with his father on his regular weekend visits home to Delaware or Camp David.
Maybe this is why Slow Joe goes home to Delaware every weekend. He urgently needs to rest and consort with his insightful and genius advisor outside of the beltway and the terrible noise and internal conflicts of the big White House. He must take copious notes and put them on all those three-by-five cards he earnestly tries to read.
This explains a lot. If the brain trust is one Hunter Biden, what advice is he actually imparting to the dull, lackluster, and free-falling president? What does he actually tell him? Surely, Joe must be absorbing it all. After all, it does come from his most trusted source inside the notorious kleptocratic crime family.
We can only surmise what he is advising, so here it goes . . .
On Ukraine: Since Hunter knows the turf and corruption so well, from the inside-out and outside-in, from Burisma to the bank and back, Hunter tells Joe at first there will be no invasion from the east. So, do nothing. Just wait. He wanted the fourth-most corrupt country in the world to remain as it was so he might continue to benefit from it. Once bad man Putin did the act, Hunter said, don’t hurt the oligarchs too much, especially the ones who paid me (us).
And that oil and gas, since the Germans and others need it to survive? Don’t harm them too much, either. Yes, they paid us, too. Now he thinks maybe he can jack up the U.S. defense industries who are, after all, the only ones truly benefitting from his father’s $40 billion plus of aid to the heroic Biden crony, Volodomyr Zelenskyy. He should get a percentage. Actually, let’s just say, 10 percent and call it a day. War pays, so Hunter gets a cut off the top. What benefits the Biden’s, benefits the whole United States, it is that simple. Right?
On Russia: Vladimir Putin may well be evil and deserves to be ousted. He might even use tactical nukes on us. But Russians are not all bad. The former Moscow mayor and his wife (the Baturinas), who are Putin’s lackeys, did wire $3.5 million for protection and to get the NordStream2 pipeline approved, so don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. There are also former Soviet states that have paid Hunter from Central Asia to Asia proper and we don’t want to affect that all-important money pipeline—past and future. Sanctions on our clients are a bad idea and will blow back on us. Business development after all is key to any and all Biden policy.
On China: The Chinese Communist Party is, in fact, good. They are really our friends and best business partners. Just ask Tony Bobulinski. I am still fully invested with them and they gave us (me and you, Dad, aka The Big Guy) lots of trinkets besides all that cash. I do love diamonds. We must get rid of all those Trump tariffs immediately and kowtow as they demand. So, what if it looks demeaning? Look at all my photos on the laptop, they aren’t all pretty or upstanding. Don’t be so embarrassed! If they want Taiwan, what is the loss? It is Chinese anyway.
Xi Jinping is ascending, so we should tie our horses to his wagon and give him just about whatever he wants. They have loads of money. America last, China first. And all those Confucius Institutes in America are not such a bad thing. The Biden Center at the University of Pennsylvania is an example of just how generous the Chinese truly are. Besides that, our friends in the NBA like LeBron James work for them.
On the Economy: Inflation isn’t so bad. Other countries have it worse. It is transitory and except for the cost of drugs, legal and illegal, the American people can afford it. Free crack pipes will help in that regard. We can lie about the numbers—liars figure all the time. Blame the mess on any and everything else and it won’t stick to us. More stimulus and money printing will be a beneficial thing. As long as there is a good supply of crack and hookers, America will probably survive. Look, struggling folks can possibly take up painting or other similar crafts and earn a decent living.
Dad, you may need to get a whole new cabinet soon as they drift off. But this idea about buying all electric cars (EVs) is surely a winner. As you say, we have to end all fossil fuels. Be more woke! Green new deal objectives should be supreme, since we only have 10 years to live according to your preferred scientists, anyhow. We can’t tell the public that electric cars use energy, though. I have a Tesla and a Porsche even though this loony crank, Musk is shooting his mouth off too much and sounds like a Trumper more and more. Can’t we ban him somehow from buying Twitter? The last thing we want is a media and tech monopoly that is from one party. Oh sorry, I mean, that is what we have and we want to keep it that way. Embrace Zuck, he will pay to steal more elections for us.
On the Border: Our now obvious plan to change the makeup of America and import 20-30 million new Democratic voters seems to be finally working, except some Hispanics are against us. Still, most of them labor under the table for a pittance, which is what we need in this neo-feudal society, controlled by a uniparty we are trying to build. In California we already have it! The Mexican cartels will pay us more, much more, and all those women and kids trafficked as sex slaves do lead to a lot of pleasure, at least for some of us who are Johns. More drugs and more sex—hell, what is wrong with that formula? It could be our new Democrat tagline. Works every time, not just for Epstein, Bill C. and company.
On Taxes: Taxes are overrated. Why do powerful people need to pay them, anyway? I got a Hollywood maven to pay what I still owed, so maybe we all can do the same. Give me a break and get the IRS out of our pockets. The way to do that is to hire thousands more agents and put their boots on the necks of the little guys and small businesses. They don’t vote for us. Face it, the progressive titans of this world don’t pay taxes, abide by the law, follow mask mandates, or DUI laws. Those are for smelly Walmart Republicans, the little people, what Hillary rightly called, the “basket of deplorables.“ But you should keep using the Scranton line and act like someone from the working class, some people in the press still buy it.
On Supply Chains—We need to break these bottlenecks and get Mayor Pete more involved, if only he would stop with his obsessive posting about his same-sex husband thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Pride needs to be expanded to trans, drag queens, bestiality, strippers (except for the ones who get us locked in paternity suits), and pole dancers. But we should probably come out against cannibalism. Pete knows where the fentanyl comes from and why it is so necessary. We need fewer bridges to nowhere and infrastructure NIMBY projects and more attention to purer drugs and many more suppliers to drive the price of coke down. It has just gotten out of hand but thankfully, it is no longer policed.
On Crime—Criminals are not bad people and most need to be rehabilitated and given a second, third, or 100th chance. Just look at me. I came around and yet I still admit to lapses. The focus should not be on victims but on society’s various ills. These are the true culprits. The Soros DA’s should be defended, not abused or recalled. One-party blue cities and states are our long-term goal and we are doing pretty well on that front. Defund the police but call it “reimagining policing” instead, do away with bail, and put more of these enterprising guys and gangs back on the streets.
Stealing from, harming and attacking Republicans (all whites) is—I know we can’t say it aloud—not such a horrible thing. It works for our voter strategy as well. Divide and conquer, as I say. That “unifier” thing was B.S. and we both knew it, even if it sounded good at the time. BLM and CRT are the best things since MBNA paid us handsomely to keep interest rates high on credit cards. We can’t cave into these domestic terrorists. White supremacy is the biggest threat to the land and the FBI knows it—or we can argue they do. The January 6 conspiracy is right now the best bet we have going to win in November, and to keep Trump from attempting another coup. But, just in case, I recommend we start selling pardons very soon. We can make millions from that racket.
Roger that Dad, over and out, your “Top Gun” policy wonk and forever dependent son, who I remind you, paid all your bills. And remember, we definitely need to keep that harsh Florida governor fellow out of the race in ’24, lest he put both of us in striped suits and behind bars.