An epidemic of whining, hand-wringing, and teeth-gnashing has overwhelmed the self-described CNN illuminati following the “resignation” (in reality: firing) of network chief Jeff Zucker, according to Breitbart and others.
Zucker, whose physiognomy and locomotion are akin to a phallus on a conveyor belt, left CNN with the grace of sliding into third and stepping on a landmine.
The resultant stream of “pain” from the self-absorbed boo-hoo-hooers is nauseating. Here are the worst offenders with my real-world annotations following:
Don “The Unfireable” Lemon. “It’s been a really tough day today and a tough few days for us here at CNN . . . The truth is that we are all heartbroken because we lose (sic) our leader here . . .”
Leader? You mean cheerleader. From the “Today” show. A man who bamboozled his way to the presidency of NBC and turned it into “Nothing But Crap.” A man who subsequently was ingloriously Comcasted out!
Now he has left CNN a burning wreck and, ingloriously again, has been booted out!
“ . . . We lost a man who was the backbone, the glue, and the spirit of this company . . . .”
“ . . . The man I personally credit with changing my life . . .”
That’s right! You would be jobless save for Zucker’s awful news judgment in keeping you on air, after your (alleged) disgusting assault on a bartender by rubbing your fingers in your crotch and sticking them into the bartender’s nose!
“ . . . He is the reason you have a gay, black man with two hours of prime time . . .”
“. . . . A show with my name on it . . .”
“. . . The only anchor of color on prime time news . . .”
“It has been hard to come into work this week. Not only for me, but for so many of us at CNN . . . So, thank you, Jeff Zucker, for everything you did for everyone at this network and for what you did to the entire country—for the entire country… . . .”
Not so fast, pal. It’s not the entire country. Not even close. Part of the reason CNN has lost 90 percent of its audience is that “Mother” Zucker was in charge and gave you two hours a night with your name on it to bloviate, with or without booze.
Yo, Tapper! You, as a person of the Hebrew faith, should know that you sit shiva when a Jewish friend or family member is dead. While Zucker may be Jewish, he is merely brain-dead. And has been for years.
Alisyn Camerota. “This is an incredible loss. It’s an incredible loss. Jeff is a remarkable person and an incredible leader . . . ”
You’re joking, right, Alisyn? Your “incredible” hero was busy shacking up with his second-in-command (a woman with the misfortune of having a name that could be read as Go-Lust!). And he was too stupid to bail her out of CNN, with some great monetary exit package, and then marry her. As if the most unlikely couple since Red Pollard and Seabiscuit couldn’t live on one spouse’s megabuck income?
“He has this uncanny ability to make, I think, every one of us feel special and valuable in our own way . . . ”
The only reason he made you feel valuable, Alisyn, is that you are shorter than he is and he liked looking down on your brown roots and seeing his reflection in your contact lenses.
“I just think it’s so regrettable how it happened. If what you are reporting is true, these are two consenting adults who are both executives. That they can’t have a private relationship feels wrong on some level.”
Psst! Alisyn . . . See above.
Also see “H-a-r-v-e-y W-e-i-n-s-t-e-i-n” and the #MeToo Movement.
Now go home and knock back some Grappa. A lot of Grappa.
“I think that what you’re hearing, and what we’re all experiencing, is just a huge shock wave to all of our mental health.”
Mental health? Are you nuts? Has all that peroxide turned your brain into a frittata? You pride yourself on being Italian-American (like me) but you are reacting to Zucker’s shameful job loss like an old-school Sicilian widow throwing a rose into the grave and then taking a swan dive in after it.
Grow up! Zucker crippled CNN and got ignominiously dumped. If that bothers you, drop the vowels from your name so I can be happy with mine!
Erin Burnett. “We’re grieving.”
Right. Most likely because CNN’s new owners will take you from “Up Front” to “Around Back” and off the lot to CNBC where you belong.
Clarissa Ward. “The news of his resignation this week was devastating. I am still trying to process it.”
Blimey! Process this: You are a freaking Brit. This is American TV, not the job-for-life BBC! Jerks get fired.
You wanna process something? Go see Prince Andrew . . .
You’d better hurry moving past Zucker, you boot-licking hypocrite. “Mother” Zucker can’t protect you anymore.
There is this positive note: Being jobless for the next decade will make you skinny. Maybe Subway will give you Jared Fogle’s old spot.
Squandering the Past
Why am I so happy that “Mother” Zucker is gone at last? Because he has destroyed the life’s work of Ted Turner and all of us who built Chicken Noodle News into CNN, the once globally respected news organization.
Because I remember the enormous effort, for minimal pay, of people like Ted Kavanau, one of the four founding producers of CNN, the founder of CNN Headline News, and the founder of the CNN Special Assignments Unit.
Fierce loyalty? You bet! I am the only CNN correspondent, or correspondent of any network, who ever went into a war zone with a corporate vice president (Kavanau) as my cameraman—twice! Once in Grenada and again in Nicaragua.
Can you imagine “Mother” and “Go-Lust!” slogging through the tropic heat, being that dedicated to their troops?
At the original CNN, we had plenty of hardship and no boo-hooing. None. Consider a few more of my colleagues.
Gerald Koch. As CNN’s director of broadcast operations, the late Jerry Koch (pronounced coach) sometimes would sneak out of his management role to join me on difficult assignments. On our first trip to Nicaragua, Jerry was bitten by a scorpion. We managed to hobble through five miles of jungle with Jerry’s arm over my shoulder, carrying 20 extra pounds of video batteries all the way home for fear of upsetting Kavanau (our boss) if we left the expensive batteries behind.
Jerry didn’t even take a sick day!
Ken Kelsch. Ken is a real-deal war hero, a Green Beret with a master’s degree in film, valedictorian of his class, and a very fine cinematographer. Whenever possible, he would take a 90 percent pay cut to come along with me to report from bad places like Nicaragua and Suriname.
He also jumped out of a C-141 with me to document the U.S. Army’s Ranger training in the rugged high desert of Utah. Ken was older than the Ranger instructors and pressed on without a single complaint.
Lynne Russell. When the very first female solo nightly news anchor retired from CNN after more than 33,000 (!) individual broadcasts, Ted Turner himself told her and the TV audience: “Lynne, it sure has been a great 18 years and you sure have been the most beautiful anchor we ever had at either CNN or Headline News. We are really gonna miss you.”
Lynne Russell who, as the CNN Headline News anchor, was simultaneously an Army brat, martial arts black belt, reserve deputy sheriff, classically trained pianist and ballerina, licensed private detective, and licensed pistol packer. All of that and not one public complaint from her in two decades.
Against that background, I’m sure you can see why I hold in such deep-seated contempt the prima donnas who have eviscerated the CNN we all helped to build.
Oh, and just one more thing: Unlike the undisciplined Zucker, I waited until after I had left the network to marry “the most beautiful anchor we ever had at CNN” in a castle in Conegliano, Italy, presided over by the mayor, with an Italian Army escort and a 16-man Alpini military a cappella choir.
Top that, “Mother” Zucker!