Banzai, Mother Zucker!

Jeff “Mother” Zucker, the greatest proponent of kamikazes since Captain Motoharu Okamura of the Imperial Japanese Navy, has crashed and burned at last. And like Okamura, whose entire unit was either dead or dying, Zucker walked away relatively unscathed. Just minus his job and his honor. 

And with the wreckage of CNN smoldering behind him. 

The cause of Zucker’s spectacular crash, expressed to me in real-time by another old-school CNN alumnus, was “some sort of a sexual issue.” 

My first thought was that the short, squat, bald Zucker might have been mistaken for a phallus and had become unintentionally encapsulated. I immediately rushed to my heavy-duty ShopVac and offered its services in hopes of dislodging him.

Amazingly, it turned out that Jeff Zucker’s “sexual issue” is that he is a closet micro-stud with a mistress, er, sorry, “ . . . a consensual relationship with [his] closest colleague . . .” 

In other words, he was partaking of “the company stuff,” the most egregious and salacious of the #MeToo moment’s no-no’s, and an event of mind-boggling hypocrisy

Yes, with the aplomb of Bill Clinton on Valentine’s Day in a trailer park, the dwarf king of CNN apparently had selected a mistress about a foot taller than he is. A default position, because Zucker can only screw up.

For more examples of “Banzai Jeff’s” propensity for screwing up, let us revisit a few highlights from Zucker’s résumé:

Destroyed NBC

Used CNN as his personal bludgeon against Donald Trump

Rehired “Masturbatin’ Jeff” Toobin.

Did not fire Don Lemon for allegedly assaulting a bartender. 

Hired Chris Cuomo then fired him way too late

Screwed up AT&T and the Warner/Discovery merger.    

Asked no questions—for years—about John Griffin, Chris Cuomo’s senior producer, before firing him for being an accused pedophile.

Asked no questions—for years—about Rick Saleeby, Jake Tapper’s senior producer, before allowing him to resign in disgrace as an accused pedophile

And, oh yeah, at the risk of sounding redundant, he destroyed CNN, the real news network that Ted Turner and all of us on his crew built through genuine hard work and merciless adherence to the strictest objective journalistic standards throughout the Skipper’s tenure. It was the finest broadcast journalism operation in the world. Ever.

Thanks for nothing, Mother Zucker! You are the hypocrite of the century and the greatest blight on journalism since the birth of the typo.

About Chuck de Caro

Chuck de Caro is a contributor to American Greatness. He was CNN's very first Special Assignments Correspondent. Educated at Marion Military Institute and the U.S. Air Force Academy, he later served with the 20th Special Forces Group (Airborne). He has taught information warfare (SOFTWAR) at the National Defense University and the National Intelligence University. He was an outside consultant for the Pentagon’s Office of Net Assessment for 25 years. A pilot since he was 17, he is currently working on a book about the World War I efforts of Fiorello La Guardia, Giulio Douhet, and Gianni Caproni, which led directly to today’s U.S. Air Force Global Strike Command.

Photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images

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