Slow Joe Biden: The Half-Fast Manchurian Candidate

“Slow Joe” Biden—more accurately and precisely described as “Half-Fast” Biden—had his much-hyped “virtual summit” on Monday with his “old friend” Chinese Dada-President-for-Life Xi Jinping.

A “virtual summit,” by the way, is progressive-speak for a Zoom call with translators, aides, and the White House hallucinogenic script suppository producer readying the next briefing for Jen “Circle Back” Psaki, Biden’s shameless redheaded flak who only lies when she moves her lips. Or just moves.

At any kind of summit, what could Joe Biden possibly do or say that would make Xi rock back on his heels? Well, nothing . . . except offering a gauge of just how far China can go without U.S. intervention. Not since Richard Condon’s Manchurian Candidate has an American adversary—real or fictional—had such an advantage.

And don’t think that for second that Xi would not immediately have called his other “old friend,” Russia’s Retro-Czar-for-Life Vladimir Putin, to compare notes on their mutual adversary, Joe Biden’s United States. The conversation might have gone something like this:

“Vlad! Z-Man here. Wasssssssssup?”

“Z! Wasssssssup, Bubba? Caught your act with Slow Joe on TV. Too cool. How about makin’ a bunch of noise in Taiwan for me? I need to buy some time for my Little Green Men to blob another chunk of Ukraine . . . and then stop. Biden is just like that other toad, Obama, when I took Crimea. All mouth. No guts. No shame. A wimp.” 

“Vlad, he’s more of a poster boy for Lewy Body. Say the word, Bro, and I can make him fill his diapers faster than the Pope did.”

“Totally! Can you see that moron, trying to bluster NATO into doing something, while changing his Depends?”

“Party on, Vlad! I’ll keep funneling money into America to slowly make them implode. Just stick with the playbook and everything will be fine.”

(According to Unrestricted Warfare: “Can funds be set up to exert greater influence on another country’s government and legislature through lobbying? And could buying or gaining control of stocks be used to turn another country’s newspapers and television stations into the tools of media warfare?”)

“So are you gonna invade Taiwan?” 

“Nah. Not now. Don’t want to piss off the Japanese. They’re funny that way.”

“Yeah. Port Arthur. Right. They kicked the crap out of us.”

“Port Arthur? Are you for real? You ever heard of the Rape of Nanking? Dude!”

“Good Point. So whattaya gonna do?”

“Prestidigitation. Mesmerize my old friend, Half-Fast Joe. You know, watch the birdie in Taiwan, while we continue to manipulate his currency, ‘influence’ politicians, and cause the Americans to fall into chaos. Then I’ll take Taiwan.”

“But what if Joe is too stupid to hit the bait?” 

“Well, did I tell you I have a copy of Hunter’s hard drive? And speaking of hard drives, I have Fang Fang’s cellphone.”

Meantime, Biden’s approval at home has slipped to 36 percent. If this is what “Build Back Better” really looks like, 2022 can’t come soon enough. 

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About Mark Sessantuno

Mark Sessantuno, a pseudonym, is a national security expert.

Photo: Joe Biden meets with China's President Xi Jinping during a virtual summit. MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images