An Olive-Drab Hood Ornament With An Ironclad Grasp of the Obvious 

Following the Pentagon’s release last Wednesday of “Military And Security Developments Regarding The People’s Republic of China,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley held a briefing and flatly stated that Communist China’s headlong arms race is “one of the largest shifts in global geostrategic power that the world has witnessed.”

Well, no kidding! Just where the hell has Milley been for the last 30 years?

Has he read the late Alvin Toffler’s book, The Third Wave? Because Deng Xiaoping sure did. The former Chinese premier read it way back in 1983. He was so struck by Toffler’s insights that he had the book translated and printed millions of copies—a large portion of which were distributed widely within the ranks of the People’s Liberation Army.  

Has Milley read Toffler’s 1995 book, War and Anti-War? Well, Deng read that, too. And he also had it translated and printed millions of copies, including one for every officer in the PLA.

And two of those guys, both colonels, went on to write in 1999 the handbook of Chinese military expansionism, Unrestricted Warfare, in which they cited Toffler heavily.  

Has Milley bothered to familiarize himself with the enormous body of work produced by the Pentagon’s own futurist, the late Andrew W. Marshall, who spent the last two decades of his career warning of the very same “largest shift in geostrategic power”?

So where the hell has Mark Milley been? Oh, right—fretting about climate change. And diversity. And critical race theory. And “white rage” in the ranks. 

Meanwhile, on his watch, the thundering hordes of godless commie bastards (that would be his buddy General Li and his boys, as opposed to AOC, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and . . . Brandon) are crapping out brand-new nukes like a fat goose with a case of the runs, and only now he figures it out?   

In frustration over how such an unread dunderhead could possibly have achieved such a high rank, I decided to look up Milley’s record of awards and decorations, and found it interesting that his highest combat decorations are four Bronze Stars—impressive—but none with a “V” device for valor. 

Also prominent are the 10 combat stripes on his sleeve, denoting a total of five years in combat, in various war zones around the world. Missing, though, was a purple heart. Not even one.  

This raises the question of how a man of Milley’s girth could have survived all those shots, shells, heat, blasts, fragmentation, IEDs, EFPs, VBIEDs, STDs, suicide bombers, snipers, lunatics with scimitars, car bombs, fire bombs, and Hadji’s hurling camel dung for all those years without a scratch?

The answer is simple: Mark Milley must be America’s secret weapon!

Thus, it’s easy for him to be oblivious because his ample derriere, for which he is famous, is obviously made of solid vibranium

That’s right. The same stuff that keeps Captain America’s shield round and shiny, has long since been integrated into Mark Milley’s behind.

Top-secret developments in high technology must have made it possible to implant the only sample of vibranium into Milley’s bottom. 

Today, cleverly camouflaged as an olive-drab washing machine with feet, Milley can publicly be an uninformed dolt.

(Besides, the idea of Mark Milley running around in skin-tight, red, white, and blue spandex while holding a shield, would make our side give up . . . or throw up!) 

But clearly, the implant has some unfortunate side effects. Vibranium apparently impedes brain function. For instance, in a future conversation with his pal, General Li, the chairman might think “Chinese Take Out” means Moo Goo Gai Pan in a little white box while General Li is thinking of Taiwan on a large silver platter.

In any case, how can the United States make use of Milley’s demonstrated ability to not get shot?

How about putting Velcro on the bow of the USS Theodore Roosevelt? As the super carrier transits the Taiwan Strait, the general, clad in a Velcro suit, could assume a runner’s ready position (facing aft) to get the maximum effect from his vibranium asset.

Think of it! The first Army four-star to act as a Navy figurehead! Bass-Ackwards! Think what this would mean for the general’s policy of diversity! Even the Coast Guard could use him. Imagine the general under the bowsprit of the tall ship cutter Eagle.

Think of the motivation of Coastie cadets clinging by the reef-points of the sky-sails while reading their CRT lessons at 147 feet up, with Milley, arms spread wide in the spindrift, yelling “I am king of the world!”

(Given General Milley’s “thing” about Nazis, note that the Eagle is a prize of war, captured from the Reichsmarine, where it was called the Horst Wessel, after the Nazi “martyr” who was ultimately so Nazi that the Fuhrer commissioned the party’s anthem after him.)

Moreover, because Milley is a qualified combat diver, American submariners, (correctly pronounced Submarine-ers) might want to put him in a wetsuit and Velcro him between the torpedo tubes to discombobulate any Chinese anti-access/area denial weaponry. 

There is the problem, however: the sight of Milley in a shimmering black wetsuit might be mistaken for some large, unknown species of cetacean. PETA might then loudly complain, and in the spirit of inclusiveness and diversity, the practice would have to end.

Surely then, there would be a struggle between the Air Force and the Space Force as to whether General Milley’s vibranium butt would be better as a endo- or exoatmospheric hood ornament to bat down any Chinese aerospace threat.

But alas, there is only one olive-drab Mark Milley, and he, unlike the far more colorful Captain America, won’t even be remembered in comic books.

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About Mark Sessantuno

Mark Sessantuno, a pseudonym, is a national security expert.

Photo: Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images