Dateline—The State of Columbia (née, The District of Columbia, a.k.a. “The Swamp”)
By all accounts, Joe Biden wasn’t expected to be the 21st century’s reincarnation of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Senator Biden wasn’t cerebral; stolidly toed his party’s line; smeared Republican Supreme Court nominees; ended up on the wrong side of nearly every major foreign policy decision; and had a penchant for off-color and highly offensive remarks as well as an affinity for plagiarism, which sank his 1988 presidential bid.
Even when he was selected to be vice president (an early indication of then-Senator Barack Obama’s decision-making prowess), Biden’s singular achievement was milking his contacts with our nation’s friends and foes to enrich his ne’er-do-well son, Hunter, and other family members (and likely the “Big Guy,” too).
What changed in 2020 for “Racial Jungle” Joe? What transformed a Delawarean septuagenarian into a Proglogdyte superstar?
Hitting Rock Bottom in the Granite State
As readers of Jules Verne (or perhaps people who saw movies based on his books) can attest, what was once considered science fiction often becomes science fact—like when teachers’ unions help draft CDC guidelines. Consequently, the question arises for all real journalists: Is the “Six-Trillion-Dollar Man,” Joe Biden, our first bionic president?
B.S. News will not divulge the names of our alleged sources or admit any illegality in obtaining these startling revelations. But you can be sure we would never publish fake news just for clicks or kicks. (Money is another matter.)
The first transcript is from the 2020 New Hampshire Democratic presidential primary. The voices on the initial secret campaign tape are candidate Biden; a New Hampshire campaign staffer; and an unknown voice that sounds a lot like Barack Obama. (What are the odds?)
Cue the secret campaign tapes’ transcripts!
“I’ve got a blow-out! Precinct three!”
[Unknown]: One minute . . . Someone’s keying the microphone . . .
New Hampshire Campaign Staffer: It looks . . . good?
Biden: Lying, dog-faced [unintelligible].
[Unknown]: Here comes the throttle.
Biden: We have separation from the primary pack.
New Hampshire Campaign Staffer: Looks . . . good?
Biden: I’ve got a blow-out! Precinct three!
[Unknown]: Get your campaign pitch to zero.
Biden: Pitch is out! I can’t hold altitude!
New Hampshire Campaign Staffer: Correction . . . ?
[Unknown]: Emergency!
Biden: I can’t hold it! She’s breaking up, she’s break . . . [static]
After the crash landing, Politico was left to tally the campaign carnage: “Joe Biden limped away from New Hampshire with a devastating fifth-place finish, zero delegates and the viability of his campaign in question.”
The Six-Trillion-Dollar Man: “Better, Stronger, Faster”
No, MAGA paranoiacs. The election wasn’t rigged and Joe Biden isn’t moronic.
Joe Biden is bionic!
Following Joe’s disastrous New Hampshire crash, the Biden campaign (and genocidal Communist China) knew what it had to do to recoup their investment: take this shell of a candidate and build him back better.
On the second secret campaign tape, believed to have been furtively recorded in Biden’s basement, one can hear [unless you’re reading this article, of course] Biden; the same unknown voice that sure sounds a lot like Barack Obama (I know, crazy, right?); and a shadowy figure known only as “Dr. Tony.” This “Dr. Tony” must have seen a Proglodyte lawn sign, because he clearly believes “science is real.” Listen as he lays out the scheme to build Biden back better:
Dr. Tony: Joe Biden. A candidate barely alive. Comrades, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic president. Joe Biden will be that man. Or whatever gender he chooses. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.
[Unknown]: Smarter?
Dr. Tony: I’m not a miracle worker.
[Unknown]: How much is this going to cost Zuckerberg?
Dr. Tony: Six-trillion-dollars. But it all goes on the taxpayers’ tab.
[Unknown]: Considering Joe’s over 75-years-old, he’s lucky you’re not Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel. Imagine the “comparative effectiveness” score on old Joe! [chuckling]
Dr. Tony: Well, if the taxpayers weren’t footing the bill . . .
Biden: C’mon, man!
Yes, “c’mon man,” indeed. After some major reconstruction by the shadowy Dr. Tony, the Biden campaign team, and the scrupulously fair corporate media, Slo-Joe was no mo’. They bid adieu to the divisive smear merchant. Adios to the non-descript grifter. Now, instead of this straight, white, old man stood a dynamic and empathetic avatar of a reunited America! A “champion of the poor” and a woke warrior for people of color!
But just like their climate denial, the MAGA cult denies the science is real. They blame left-wing media, Big Tech and its billions, the unauthorized partisan revisions of election procedures, etc., for Biden’s political resurrection. Who else but those MAGA loons would believe that fantasy?
But you don’t have to take the word of B.S. News as gospel—not yet, anyway. According to a highly placed source at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta: “The science is real. The science is settled. Joe Biden is our first bionic president. That’s it. That’s all. That’s the story. Full stop!”
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