I Won’t Take the Vaccine Because It Makes Liberals Mad

I will never allow myself to be injected with Big Pharma’s mass-produced mystery juice, in part because it was rushed out of the lab and into the manufacturing line like a replacement for a Honda Civic’s recalled airbags. 

It just wouldn’t be prudent. 

As a healthy 29-year-old, my likelihood of dying from the virus is practically nil, so why risk the blood clots? And before anyone accuses me of trying to murder granny, shouldn’t she be immune to the virus if she gets the vaccine? Whether that’s actually true seems to be the topic of some debate. We’ll have to follow The Science™, then parse through its legitimacy relative to its political value for Democrats (that’s a new step in the scientific method) before we can know for sure. 

If it turns out that the vaccine doesn’t prevent infection, then there’s no point in getting it in the first place, and I suppose we’ll have to sew our masks to our faces for the rest of our natural lives.

Maybe It’s Petty

But in truth, I’m not really avoiding the vaccine due to potential medical complications, or because of the speed with which it was produced. 

Personal liberty is not the reason I’m avoiding it, either. I’m not a member of the “don’t tread on me” club. Though I don’t think mandated “vaccine passports” are a brilliant idea, my refusal to take the vaccine is not related to some perceived or real government overreach. I’m not here to take a principled stand against the federal or state governments on this issue. In fact, I’m saving my principled stands against the federal or state governments for issues that really matter, like strengthening libel laws so that lying journalists can finally be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay where they belong.   

My primary reason for refusing the vaccine is much simpler: I dislike the people who want me to take it, and it makes them mad when they hear about my refusal. That, in turn, makes me happy. 

Maybe it’s petty, but the thought of the worst people on planet earth, those whom I like to call the Branch Covidians, literally shaking as I stroll into Target vaccine-free, makes me smile. 

Allow me to emphasize my point. 

Before this pandemic, I had a grand total of zero opinions on the issue of vaccines. I’ve never met an “anti-vaxxer” in my entire life, despite working in conservative politics, where, from my understanding, they can generally be found. Frankly, I don’t know a thing about their movement. I thought vaccines were what kids took periodically to eliminate the risk of ancient diseases like the mumps, which can only be found today in the illegal aliens we’re importing, and what people of a certain age took during autumn to avoid contracting the flu. 

In fact, before the COVID-19 craze swept this nation, I devoted more attention to the liberal cause of preserving the Sea Turtle population than I did to thinking about vaccines. I like nature. (Tangentially related, an estimated 1.56 billion plastic masks ended up in the ocean in 2020 alone. Good work, liberals!)

Ain’t Nobody’s Business

It wasn’t until the sociopathic mediocrity that is the entrenched liberal political class in Washington began bullying normal people into wearing masks, staying home, standing six feet apart from others at all times, mobilizing even less impressive liberal stormtroopers to play the role of COVID-19 prevention Gestapo, and then finally propped up the vaccine as the Holy Grail that would lead us back to “normalcy,” that I finally began to have an opinion on vaccines. And though I don’t know much about the “anti-vaxxers,” I do know that I’m displeased with the way they have been portrayed by the aforementioned GITMO-bound media, simply for harboring opinions that are considered non-mainstream. 

So I have decided that because the vile political Left, which I despise in the abstract, wants me to take their coveted vaccine, I simply will not. After the horrifying displeasure of meeting several of their militant COVID-19 restriction enforcers in person over the past year, I have become even more steadfast in my stance. 

My newly formed and well-developed opinion on vaccines is this: if those bastards want me to get the jab, I’m not going to do it, because it annoys them. 

Perhaps you think I’m being obtuse. I do not care. 

I’ve seen too many videos of screaming ninnies losing their minds on people who didn’t buy into the mask hype. It is impossible to convince me that I am somehow abnormal for refusing the vaccine, and that the ranting pro-mask schizoids in the supermarket are the normal ones. 

I also don’t care whether you decide to get the vaccine. It’s really none of my business. 

Perhaps you’re not as committed to upsetting the enemy as I am. That is fine. 

Perhaps you just want to go on a cruise vacation again. If so, call Bill Kristol or Jonah Goldberg and have your vaccine identification card ready. Godspeed. 


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About Peter D'Abrosca

Peter D'Abrosca is a conservative campaign strategist, author, and columnist. A proud law school dropout, he is not a decorated member of the fancy credentialed class, and that's just the way he prefers it. He considers himself a political outsider who seeks to give a voice to the long-forgotten American working class.

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