My congressman, U.S. Representative Alexander Xavier Mooney (R) of West Virginia’s second district, might well be described as a HINO—that is, Hispanic In Name Only. His incredible mother, Lala Suarez, on the other hand, is the real deal—a truly heroic Cuban woman who was imprisoned by Castro and managed to escape in the early 1960s. Thus, despite Mooney’s Irish surname, he is a Suarez and the first Hispanic congressman from the Mountain State.
I am a fellow HINO, as de Caro is classified an Hispanic surname due to the five centuries of language-crushing mandates and oppression of the Aragon-Catalan-Bourbon Kings over the lower half of Italy.
Many locals in the second district called Alex “Alejandro” and “Carpetbagger” because he lost a couple of elections in his native ritzy Frederick, Maryland, and then zipped into West Virginia in 2014 just in time to run for—and win—the House seat vacated by Shelley Moore Capito, who had just won a U.S. Senate seat. (Capito, in turn, had had the great good fortune to have been both the daughter of three-term West Virginia Governor Arch Moore and the 1972 Cherry Blossom Princess when she ran for the wide-open second district seat.)
Back in 2014, my first thought about Mooney was: Wow! A Golden Boy! A fellow fierce conservative HINO with full-blown Cuban anti-Communist passion! Plus elective experience as a Republican in the far-left People’s Democratic Republic of Maryland.
Great! Let’s catapult this Hispanic fireball from this very red district onto the leftist heathens in Congress!
Desperta Ferro! Ataque! It’s Caesar Romero, sword in hand, in “Captain from Castille.”
Well, not exactly.
The cardinal rule in Congress is to first get their attention. Unfortunately, “Alejandro” has the fierce televisual presence of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man on Valium, in his forgettable charcoal gray suits accessorized with unremarkable shirts, and ties that distract from his message. And he has trouble tying a half-Windsor knot.
See for yourself.
As that video is currently posted on Mooney’s official congressional website, it should be his best work.
The man has something to say, but in this video, at least, his speaking style has the stirring quality of the nervous kid in grade school trying to read the lunch menu on the public address system.
I still think Alex is a Golden Boy with an excellent shot at breaking up the runaway leftist democratic-socialist agenda.
Except only his Mother and I know it, and he doesn’t. Yet.
So Alex, here’s the plan: Your district will be eliminated next cycle because of our state’s population decline, so you have nothing to lose by becoming a firebrand! Now! Here’s how:
First, go to Miami and watch your first cousin, kick-ass Mayor Francis X. Suarez, the COVID survivor, give a speech. Second, take notes on his style. Third, get some sun! Then get your cousin’s barber to cut your hair, get his tailor to outfit you, and ask your cousin to show you how to knot a necktie properly.
And get used to drinking a lot of Café Cubano. You need the caffeine!
Alex, you have a very quick mind and a degree in philosophy. Use it on the Left. You could be the living, breathing antidote to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.).
All you have to do is point down at that neo-Communist hood ornament and bludgeon her rhetoric over and over and over again with this simple, accurate statement: “AOC is a sawed-off Ché Guevara in high heels!”
Then compare her statements to Ché’s. Then point out that your grandfather Suarez was imprisoned in the fortress where Ché took pleasure in watching the executions of political prisoners.
Your TV skills will need to be adjusted, given AOC’s natural telegenic qualities. But you have an actual brain and AOC only has a teleprompter.
What is she going to do when you overtax her pinko mind? Call another Hispanic a racist? Remember both of AOC’s parents are American citizens from Puerto Rico. How can she compare that to your heroic Cuban mother and family who escaped death in Communist Cuba to become Americans the hard way?
You can hammer the hell out of Ocasio-Cortez’s Marxist positions. Every single day. Every. Single. Day!
Alex, you are on the House Financial Services Committee, led by none other than California’s singular answer to Mrs. Malaprop—Maxine Waters.
While Waters as committee chairwoman is street smart and extraordinarily cunning, with the mouth of a landing ship tank, she is not known for blazing intellectual velocity. But you are.
The tactics then are simple: You should think of Maxine as an LST—large slow target—and every time you are able to engage her in committee, you should use your philosophy degree and direct a question at her that exacerbates her propensity for malapropism. Every single time. Every. Single. Time!
What is she going to do, accuse an Hispanic colleague of racism? Or malaprop her way into coining the term “half-racist?”
Think of the liberal snowflakes on the Democratic National Committee in wide-eyed panic, as fire-breathing, riot-inciting Maxine Waters clumsily tries to Godzilla-stomp Alex-the-Hispanic, as they see their increasingly fragile Democrat-Black-Hispanic-LGBTQ+ coalition start to disintegrate with the swiftness of a Japanese horror film.
Alex, you can also attack Kamala “Fweedom” Harris, Willie Brown’s former main squeeze, for just about anything at all.
You can throw Harris verbal sidearm fastballs all day long: What about the Southern border? What about China? How about the price of gasoline? Throw the kitchen sink at her! She can use her hyena laugh tactic and not answer, but she can not use the race card against you. You can make her life miserable with political chin music 24/7.
So Alex, that’s what I see: You have the chance to help save this Republic as the representative from a tiny county in West-By-God-Virginia, by countering the leftist forces that would turn America into a clone of Castro’s Communist Cuba.
Don’t believe me?
Just ask your Mom. Ask her how quickly her native Cuba fell to the lies and deeds of the Left.
Now get off your butt and start pitching fastballs!