Preview Joe Biden’s First Big Address to Congress

White House resident Joe Biden has kept Americans waiting for his first major speech since the inauguration. Word came this week that he’s scheduled to address a joint session of Congress on April 28. American Greatness has obtained a draft of Biden’s speech from an anonymous source inside the Biden-Harris Administration.

President Harris, President Obama, members of Congress, Madame Speaker, the Honorable Dr. Anthony Fauci, his Highness Bill Gates, CEOs Zuckerberg, Dorsey, and Bezos, and members of the Entertainment Industry. Before I tell you what the deal is on the state of the union, I want to welcome Alex Padilla of California.  

Not a single person voted for Alex, but guess what, here he is, a U.S. senator, duly appointed by Governor Gavin Newsom to replace co-President Harris. I almost said Alex went after her seat, but Willie Brown already did that. C’mon man, that’s a joke! As I once told some American troops, clap for that, you stupid bastards

Alex has headed up California’s “motor voter” program that automatically registers illegal aliens to vote when they get a driver’s license. Some of you owe your presence here to Alex’s good work, and he has steadfastly refused to cooperate with any federal probe of voter fraud. Thanks, Alex. Keep it up. 

I also recognize those who entered the United States illegally, and those headed here in caravans at this very moment, because they are already Americans. So it’s only right that they vote in our elections and get benefits funded by U.S. taxpayers. 

As you all know, the United States carries fathomless debt but here’s the deal. It is also our duty to assume the responsibilities of nations that fail to provide for their own citizens. So I’m here to tell you the border means nothing and anybody who doesn’t think so is a lying dog-faced pony soldier, and you are full of shit, just like that arrogant Michigan autoworker I put in his place. Remember, the previous guy in this job put up a wall to keep the already-Americans out. C’mon man. That was wrong. 

The previous guy also took us out of the World Health Organization, so I restored those ties and the funding. The United States is now more unified with the WHO and its great leader Tedros. As the great Dr. Fauci says, he is a really outstanding person, and we need to recognize that leadership. Like the United Nations, the WHO always knows what is best for the United States and all the nations of the world, including China.

As I said on the campaign trail, the Chinese are “not bad folks” and “not competition for us.” On my watch, the United States will continue to fund the Wuhan Institute of Virology, whatever its role in the pandemic that wrecked our economy.

I mean, c’mon man, we will build back better. Everybody just kick back and make sure you have the record player on at night. That is very important in tough and dangerous times, at home and abroad.

I have also unified us more with China by giving President Xi Jinping a free hand with the Uighurs, in Hong Kong, and with Taiwan. As I recognize, the People’s Republic of China operates under different norms, so anything they do is OK with me. 

Under President Harris and myself, bombs are falling from the sky again in Syria, and Iran is on the rise again. I hope to rejoin the Iran deal, to follow up on all that money President Obama wisely sent the mullahs, even though they had no claim to it. C’mon man, when the Iranian leaders say “death to America” they don’t really mean it. That takeover of our embassy, and all those hostages, that was a long time ago. 

Remember, I was against Trump’s hit on Qasem Soleimani, and I assure you that on my watch nothing like that will ever happen. My focus will be on domestic terrorists. If you support Trump, you are a domestic terrorist and my administration will be coming after you

Tonight I want to deal with the lie that I have any physical or mental difficulties. C’mon man. 

Some people fall down the stairs. I fell three times going up the stairs to Air Force One, and I got up all by myself. 

I am in the best shape of my life, and still fully able to choose truth over facts. I can easily recognize the senator who was a Mormon, and General . . . you know . . . the guy who runs that outfit. You know who I mean. 

I also want to deal with this conspiracy theory that I am a puppet of the far-Left and just a placeholder for President Harris. Here’s the deal. 

I must remain in office to fulfill my campaign promise to raise your taxes. That promise is what got me elected, and in tough economic times, keeping taxes high is very important. I mean, do I look like a radical socialist? C’mon man.

The Harris-Biden Administration also recognizes all those who took part in the most extensive system of voter fraud in American history. Without your hard work and dedication, Joe Biden would not be where he is today. I’m running for president in 2024, so you will be needed again. 

Good night, God bless America, and as Dr. Fauci says, remember to wear two masks, not just one. 

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About Lloyd Billingsley

Lloyd Billingsley is the author of Hollywood Party and other books including Bill of Writes and Barack ‘em Up: A Literary Investigation. His journalism has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, the Spectator (London) and many other publications. Billingsley serves as a policy fellow with the Independent Institute.

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