Homesick in Heaven

I just awoke from a dream, a future vision of Heaven in two scenes. I share it while the memory remains fresh:

Scene One: 2077 (Earth Time), St. Peter at Heaven’s Pearly Gates, Move-in Day

St. Peter: Sorry for the fumble. I just received your paperwork. Mea maxima culpa! [Good-naturedly flips through file] Let’s see here…100 earth years, that’s a nice run. Clearly, you treated your body as a temple. We like that. Ah, here we go. It says here you were quite the athlete.

Resident: Well, I always had a great team around me, so the coaches deserve…

St. Peter: It’s OK, my son. You can speak freely up here. God is Truth.

Resident: [Blushing] I was pretty fantastic.

St. Peter: That’s better. Now, let me show you to your quarters. I’ve got you in a desirable unit. Lots of sunlight. 

Resident: Meh.

St. Peter: You seem troubled. Is something wrong?

Resident: No, it’s fine. I just had a nice spread on earth. A couple of them. I think you can see my primary residence from here. [Pointing downward toward earth] See it, there in the trees?

St. Peter: [Squinting] My, that is a large home! Well, you just sleep here. So, tell me. On earth, what did you do for fun?

Resident: Football. I loved playing football. Quarterback was my position.

St. Peter: Splendid! You will love the Divine Athletic Center, or the “DAC,” as we call it. [Instantly transports them both to the DAC] Check out this virtual-reality headset. It’s state-of-the-art, something The-Man-On-This-Floor had Da Vinci whip up to settle old poker debts. Can you imagine, trying to bluff God with a losing hand? Not exactly Pascal’s Wager! Anyway, Leo set each position on the headset to “Greatest of All Time”. Quarterback, you say? Put the headset on. You’ll throw just like Tom Brady. 

Resident: [Picking up a football and throwing a perfect spiral] I don’t know. It just seems . . . unnecessary.

St. Peter: [Flustered] I see you’re a perfectionist. That’s fine; perfection is an important concept up here. Perhaps you’re ready for more advanced orientation. We don’t usually dive into this so soon, but you seem to know your playbook. Are you ready to contemplate eternally the nature of the True, the Good, and the Beautiful?

Resident: Well, it’s true that I won my share of Super Bowl rings. I suppose that means I was good at football. And my earthly wife? Mercy, was she ever beautiful

St. Peter: Alright, hotshot, I give up. Here’s a move-in brochure. FAQs are on the back. If you have questions, ask Aquinas. He’ll give you the perfect answer, although it might take him an eternity to explain. [St. Peter storms back to the Pearly Gates] 

Scene Two: Abraham Lincoln and St. Teresa of Calcutta, Playing Tetherball on a Nearby Cloud

President Lincoln: What’s with the new guy? He’s really giving St. Peter the business. I’ve never seen someone so unimpressed.  

St. Teresa: I overlapped with him some on earth. He’ll come around. I think he’s just a little homesick.

President Lincoln: Homesick in Heaven? Who is he?

St. Teresa: Tom Brady.

About Mike Kerrigan

Mike Kerrigan is an attorney in Charlotte, North Carolina. His writing has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, the Charlotte Observer, and at Fox News.

Photo: Romolo Tavani

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