Return of the Country Club Republicans

With “just over” a 10 handicap and a moderate right-of-center fairway drive they occupy the country club philosophy of Republicanism.

Living behind their rich, gated communities with large real estate holdings to maintain and property taxes to prove it, they pay their pool boys respectable, if not quite living wages. And they don’t ask the maids and gardeners from whence they hail or if they have green cards. 

In this world, cash is king.

The biggest question of the day is whether to play from the black tips or move up a couple of hundred yards to the gold tees. They feel their inner Gary Player. Mulligans for all—except DJT, who is disqualified.

“Nice new MAVRIK driver you have there, Fred.”

“Thanks, it straightens my tendency to slice right. Post-Trump, no one wants to be accused of that!”

The neighbors chatter about the latest wine club selection (good California cabs are now $100—how unfair is that!) and how wrong it is to consume evil foie gras. Have you tried Kombucha? Aren’t probiotics great? 

Yeah, who needs a gut? We prefer to be gutless wonders nowadays.

Having walked 10,000 steps this morning already behind the moat, they feel just great, downright robust. My new knee works well. The market is up again and, oh boy! Those tech stocks! What the hell do we care about H1-B visas or open borders, as long as the old 401(k) or Roth keeps moving up and up? 

Did you hear mention that Trump is gone?

Back to the Koch organization’s plan. The country can suffer or go to hell as long as “we” prosper. Globalization works well for those on the top of the heap, after all. Pundits say it is more and more a feudalistic society anyway. 

When you are a lrd or a lady, who cares about the peons? “Working class” was something the lessers and ethnics did—and some became successful carpenters, brick masons, or plumbers, right? They didn’t go to Yale or Brown, like us. 

Let’s just say the whole MAGA thing never happened or it was just a bad dream. Now we can go back to the future. Same old, same old.

That Bad Orange Man was so declasse. And his rhetoric: Inciteful. He nearly turned our whole political party into a cabal of bible-thumping, gun-toting, deplorable maniacs. It smelled like Walmart, although, truth be told, we have never been there. 

It is time to bring Paul Ryan back. That kind of Randian libertarianism was at least harmless, and it always went along to get along. “Cocaine” (Don’t Ditch) Mitch can stay on forever, even though his deal with the much younger Chinese bride (and father-in-law) does turn an eye or two. Selling out America ain’t so bad if at least you pocket a lot of change in the deal. The Bidens did it too, right? (Where’s Hunter, by the way?)

Really, isn’t raking it in the very definition of a senator? A good man sent to Washington to get rich. To sell out and to represent the highest bidder, even if it is the Chinese Communist Party. Oh well, at least we don’t sleep with them like some people. 

Jack, do you have a foursome for tomorrow, yet? Juice up the carts and meet me at 11 a.m. on the practice range with some G&Ts to go. Trump is impeached (again) (ha!). Banned from Twitter and YouTube (haha!), stripped of all his honor, and belittled as a terrorist (hahaha!). 

Political power has always been overrated. 

Better to be a meaningless minority into infinity and let the socialists fight with each other and run amuck. What does it matter? Who cares? I heard the demographics are against us, anyway.  

We still have our stocks and our mutual fund accounts, gas guzzlers, trust funds, tax breaks, and handicaps to protect. They won’t take those away, will they? 

Someone probably needs to stand up to that AOC socialistic crowd. We did contribute to Black Lives Matter in the shakedown, didn’t we?  

I wonder who comes next on our side? 

Faithful warfightin’ Liz Cheney? Yes. Utah Mitt Romney, too. Except for his Mormon zeal he would have been a truly great president, no? He was with Bain and did PE. The “47 percent” thing got him. We could always bring back the Bushes. Isn’t there another son or grandson somewhere in that line of entitlement? 

Boys, mount your E-Z-GO carts now. We will do a shotgun start. Do you have enough balls? We have nothing to lose but our country!

 

 

About Theodore Roosevelt Malloch

Theodore Roosevelt Malloch, scholar-diplomat-strategist, is CEO of the thought leadership firm The Roosevelt Group. He is the author of 18 books, including The Plot to Destroy Trump and appears regularly in the media, as a keynote speaker, and on television around the world. 

Photo: iStock/Getty Images

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