The Fauci Who Stole Christmas

“Every WuFlu down in WuFluville liked Christmas a lot…

But The Fauci, who lived in a very busy home-based TV studio north of WuFluville, did NOT!

The Fauci hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

(The Fauci also hated Easter, high school graduations, weddings, summer vacations, restaurants and bars, churches, college football games, Thanksgiving, and every venue of happiness and human interaction.)

Now, please don’t ask why.

No one except public health “experts” and Chris Cuomo quite know the reason.

It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.

It could be, perhaps, that his homemade face mask was too tight.

But I think the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his insatiable lust for appearances on “The View,” features in glossy fashion magazines, and his unchallenged dominance over 330 million WuFlus in WuFluville made his heart two sizes too small.”

The misery merchants of 2020, sadly, do not plan to take a much-needed Christmas break. To the contrary, they’re closing out a joyless year with more gloom, even using Jolly Old Saint Nick as a prop in their nonstop campaign to stoke panic about COVID-19, demand compliance to failed, pseudoscientific “mitigation strategies” and pimp for the new vaccine.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, who ironically turns 80 on Christmas Eve, has played the role of America’s all-season Grinch this year. Perhaps the fact his birthday falls on the same day that Santa Claus socially distances himself down the chimney gives The Fauci the right to appropriate everyone’s favorite fat man to score cheap COVID political points—and invite children to act as modern-day Cindy Lou WuFlu in his latest publicity stunt.

During a CNN interview last week, The Fauci deflated the holiday hopes of a six-year-old from Hong Kong who wanted to visit her grandparents without wearing a mask after they were vaccinated. “You still need to be careful and wear a mask,” The Fauci told the girl on December 19. “Until we get this blanket of protection over everyone, you can’t be absolutely certain that there isn’t virus there.”

It’s unclear whether The Fauci then visited her WuFlu home in WuFluville and stuffed her Christmas tree up the chimney.

Even after predictions that dead families would fill morgues across the country if relatives dared to travel or share a turkey dinner together —a command violated by his sidekick, Dr. Deborah Birx—didn’t materialize, The Fauci nonetheless is warning families not to exchange Christmas cheer. “Given the cold weather and given the fact that these types of celebrations, as wonderful and beautiful and traditional as they are, are fundamentally indoor things with people who will be singing and laughing and eating and drinking,” The Fauci cautioned as he slithered and slunk and tore the stockings off every mantle in WuFluVille.

“And THEN They’d do something The Fauci liked least of all!

Every WuFlu down in WuFluVille, the masked and the unmasked,

Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.

They’d violate social distancing.

And the WuFlu would start singing!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!”

After some WuFlus down in WuFluVille objected to his wonderful, awful ideas, The Fauci backpedaled insisting that it was “nonsense” to characterize his remarks as an attempt to cancel Christmas.

Every storybook villain, of course, operates with a cast of devoted acolytes; the Fauci is no exception. Gretchen Whitmer, the Democratic governor of Michigan, used a Christmas Zoom video featuring unsuspecting children to peddle more social distancing dogma. Children were forced to ask Santa Claus about mask use and whether Coronavirus was in the North Pole instead of asking for dolls and video games. Santa repeatedly lectured the kids to wash their hands. “Another way to stay safe during the holidays is to stay home but call your grandparents and your cousins and your family,” Whitmer advised the little WuFlus in WuFluVille. “It’s the safest way to tell the people you love how much you care about them.”

Then she stole all the pudding and the hash and even the roast beast.

But Whitmer isn’t alone in trying to spoil Christmas for all the WuFlus in WuFluVille. Leaders of both political parties have cancelled annual festivities such as tree-lighting ceremonies and parades; restaurants that serve as the traditional gathering site for co-workers, old friends, and long-distance relatives remain closed; grandmas living in long-term care facilities will spend yet another holiday alone and isolated. The most innovative country in the history of mankind still can’t figure out how to keep an elderly person safe while receiving life-sustaining affection from the people they love the most.

And none of it is backed by science and data, no matter how many times they shout it from the top of Mount Crumpit.

The Fauci did deliver a bit of good news about Jolly Old Saint Nick. Another 6-year-old WuFlu asked the Fauci if Santa could visit him “in coronavirus season” and would the reindeer be safe. “I took care of that for you, I was worried you’d all be upset,” the Fauci bragged on CNN. “I took a trip up to the North Pole…and I vaccinated Santa Claus myself, I measured his level of immunity and he is good to go.” One swooning CNN host gushed that Fauci “made so many children around the world so happy.”

The original Grinch, as everyone knows, did not succeed in ruining Christmas—and neither should the Fauci.

“He stared down at WuFluVille! The Fauci popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every WuFlu down in WuFluVille, the masked and the unmasked,

Was singing! Without any presents at all!

The Fauci HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!

Somehow or other, it came just the same!”

Will the Fauci’s heart grow three sizes to match his ego?

Doubtful. Regardless, every WuFlu down in WuFluVille should ignore Fauci and his monsters.

And make it a New Year’s resolution to do the same in 2021.

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