Elections

The Big Set-Up

A Democratic National Committee Production, produced and directed by Nancy Pelosi, starring Nancy Pelosi. Rated PG for language and adult situations.

FADE IN. An iPhone rings in the San Francisco residence of ERICA, a salon owner.

ERICA

Hello?

CUT to a rather frazzled NANCY PELOSI, speaker of the House of Representatives, in a state of nervous agitation.

NANCY PELOSI

I need a wash, tint, and blow-out right away. 

ERICA

I’m sorry, all hair salons in San Francisco are closed due to COVID-19 rules from Governor Gavin Newsom.

NANCY PELOSI

You must not have heard me. I need an appointment today.

ERICA

I’m sorry but, as I said, we are shut down and not taking appointments. So good. . . . 

NANCY PELOSI

Do you know the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives? 

ERICA

No. 

NANCY PELOSI

You don’t understand. I am the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. 

ERICA

Sure you are. And I am the president of Kurdistan, and a direct descendant of Joan of Arc. Why don’t you get . . .

NANCY PELOSI

I AM Nancy Pelosi!

ERICA

For real? You’re the feisty gal who tore up Trump’s state of the union speech?

NANCY PELOSI

I sure did that thing. I hate Donald Trump. He knows he’s not a legitimate president. 

ERICA

OK.

NANCY PELOSI 

Listen, I need an appointment today, right now in fact. Don’t worry about the rules. 

ERICA

Really?

PELOSI

Just so you know, Gavin Newsom was once my nephew. I basically tell him what to do, so don’t worry about it. I am the most powerful woman in the country and you won’t get in trouble. 

SALON OWNER

OK, but it’s going to cost you. 

CUT to the salon, as Pelosi enters with THREE LARGE MALES.  

ERICA

Who are these people?

NANCY PELOSI

My armed guards. You don’t think the House speaker walks around alone do you? I mean, I am more important than the president of the United States.

ERICA

Sure you are.

CUT to Pelosi getting her hair done. She seems rather impatient and Erica looks worried. Work done, Pelosi and her guards leave. Cut to SHARON, who works for Erica.

SHARON

She’s a piece of work for sure. What is she, 80 now? So many wrinkles she could screw on her hat. 

CUT to outside the SALON. A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG recognizes Pelosi and alerts a group of BYSTANDERS. 

WOMAN

Hey, check it out, people! The city is all shut down but Nancy Pelosi gets her hair done. What’s up with that?

Pelosi and guards speed away. CUT to a montage of HEADLINES such as “PELOSI VIOLATES SALON SHUTDOWN ORDER” and “PELOSI BLOWS OFF PANDEMIC RULES.”

CUT to ERICA answering her iPhone. 

PELOSI

Bitch! You set me up! You . . . 

ERICA

I set you up? You called me, remember? And don’t you call me a bitch, bitch!

NANCY PELOSI

You set me up! You are working for Trump! It was a Republican trick! 

ERICA

Sure, the CIA hired me, with support from the FBI. Trump ordered the whole thing. 

NANCY PELOSI

Don’t get wise with me!

ERICA

Shut up, Nancy. You are out of your element here. 

NANCY PELOSI

Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I demand an apology for setting me up. 

ERICA

OK, OK. You are the speaker, after all. But first a couple questions. 

NANCY PELOSI

What?

ERICA

What do you think about the violence, arson, and looting going on all over the country?

NANCY PELOSI

People will do what they do.

ERICA

Why does Joe Biden forget where he is and call people lying dog-faced pony soldiers? Why did he tell that autoworker he was full of shit?

NANCY PELOSI

That’s just Joe being Joe.

ERICA

Wait. I changed my mind. No apology for Nancy. Bye-bye, Madame Speaker. 

CUT to Pelosi’s UPSCALE SAN FRANCISCO HOME. An ANGRY MOB OF WOMEN strings up blow dryers and flat irons in the trees and waves AMERICAN FLAGS.  

ANGRY MOB OF WOMEN

What do we want? 

End the lockdown!

When do we want it?

Now!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

THE END

Coming soon from DNC Productions: “The Election.” Don’t miss it.