FADE IN. An iPhone rings in the San Francisco residence of ERICA, a salon owner.
ERICA
Hello?
CUT to a rather frazzled NANCY PELOSI, speaker of the House of Representatives, in a state of nervous agitation.
NANCY PELOSI
I need a wash, tint, and blow-out right away.
ERICA
I’m sorry, all hair salons in San Francisco are closed due to COVID-19 rules from Governor Gavin Newsom.
NANCY PELOSI
You must not have heard me. I need an appointment today.
ERICA
I’m sorry but, as I said, we are shut down and not taking appointments. So good. . . .
NANCY PELOSI
Do you know the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives?
ERICA
No.
NANCY PELOSI
You don’t understand. I am the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
ERICA
Sure you are. And I am the president of Kurdistan, and a direct descendant of Joan of Arc. Why don’t you get . . .
NANCY PELOSI
I AM Nancy Pelosi!
ERICA
For real? You’re the feisty gal who tore up Trump’s state of the union speech?
NANCY PELOSI
I sure did that thing. I hate Donald Trump. He knows he’s not a legitimate president.
ERICA
OK.
NANCY PELOSI
Listen, I need an appointment today, right now in fact. Don’t worry about the rules.
ERICA
Really?
PELOSI
Just so you know, Gavin Newsom was once my nephew. I basically tell him what to do, so don’t worry about it. I am the most powerful woman in the country and you won’t get in trouble.
SALON OWNER
OK, but it’s going to cost you.
CUT to the salon, as Pelosi enters with THREE LARGE MALES.
ERICA
Who are these people?
NANCY PELOSI
My armed guards. You don’t think the House speaker walks around alone do you? I mean, I am more important than the president of the United States.
ERICA
Sure you are.
CUT to Pelosi getting her hair done. She seems rather impatient and Erica looks worried. Work done, Pelosi and her guards leave. Cut to SHARON, who works for Erica.
SHARON
She’s a piece of work for sure. What is she, 80 now? So many wrinkles she could screw on her hat.
CUT to outside the SALON. A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG recognizes Pelosi and alerts a group of BYSTANDERS.
WOMAN
Hey, check it out, people! The city is all shut down but Nancy Pelosi gets her hair done. What’s up with that?
Pelosi and guards speed away. CUT to a montage of HEADLINES such as “PELOSI VIOLATES SALON SHUTDOWN ORDER” and “PELOSI BLOWS OFF PANDEMIC RULES.”
CUT to ERICA answering her iPhone.
PELOSI
Bitch! You set me up! You . . .
ERICA
I set you up? You called me, remember? And don’t you call me a bitch, bitch!
NANCY PELOSI
You set me up! You are working for Trump! It was a Republican trick!
ERICA
Sure, the CIA hired me, with support from the FBI. Trump ordered the whole thing.
NANCY PELOSI
Don’t get wise with me!
ERICA
Shut up, Nancy. You are out of your element here.
NANCY PELOSI
Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I demand an apology for setting me up.
ERICA
OK, OK. You are the speaker, after all. But first a couple questions.
NANCY PELOSI
What?
ERICA
What do you think about the violence, arson, and looting going on all over the country?
NANCY PELOSI
ERICA
Why does Joe Biden forget where he is and call people lying dog-faced pony soldiers? Why did he tell that autoworker he was full of shit?
NANCY PELOSI
That’s just Joe being Joe.
ERICA
Wait. I changed my mind. No apology for Nancy. Bye-bye, Madame Speaker.
CUT to Pelosi’s UPSCALE SAN FRANCISCO HOME. An ANGRY MOB OF WOMEN strings up blow dryers and flat irons in the trees and waves AMERICAN FLAGS.
ANGRY MOB OF WOMEN
What do we want?
End the lockdown!
When do we want it?
Now!
USA! USA! USA! USA!
THE END
Coming soon from DNC Productions: “The Election.” Don’t miss it.