My Name Is Joe O’Biden, And I Am Here To Defund the Police!

Folks, it’s Joe O’Biden here. I couldn’t help myself, so I decided to do another video from my crypt er . . . from my basement, so that y’all can see for yourself—I am ready to be vice president. I mean, president. No joke!

The fact of the matter is, people love seeing me on video. When I go out and do things, it usually doesn’t turn out so good. So my staff keeps telling me—stay in your crypt, under the house, and do videos from there, so that all Americans can see that you’re ready to be the fearless top dog that they all want to have in charge. So here I am, broadcasting from my crypt and doing just that—demonstrating that I am, indeed, the top dog. 

I am serious!

Folks, just the other day I attended a memorial service for Pink Floyd. It was so moving, I almost peed in my diaper. Er . . . I mean, I almost cried. Pink Floyd and his wife Sally Floyd are now a key part of my coalition. Everybody named Floyd is welcome to vote for me. Especially any black person named Floyd. And if you is black and you ain’t voting for me, then you ain’t black. You is definitely not black enough, if you is for Trump!

That is why, folks, I took a knee, to honor Bubba Floyd. Well, I had to have help, obviously, because getting down on one knee, and then getting up, can be a challenge. Anyone can tell you that, so the fact that they had to help me in no way indicates that I am old and falling apart. Just the opposite!

“I Want to Talk About Racial Justice”

Unfortunately, the teleprompter quit on me just as we were trying to get this video thing going. So for better or for worse, I am just gonna have to use my notes. So let me tell you something, folks: right here, in my notes, it says that the act of protesting should . . . never be allowed to . . . to . . . to overshadow the reason for the protest. Yes. Let me just say it one more time, but this time with feeling, because right now, at this very moment, I . . . have no idea what else to say: the protesting should not . . . er . . . not . . . overshadow the reason for the protest. Right. No joke!

I remember now! I want to talk about racial justice. And let me tell you something: nobody has a better feel for racial justice than me. Ever since I came to the Senate, racial justice has been at the top of my list of concerns. In fact, I remember, back in the day, when me, Senator Eastland and Senator Talmadge, both of whom mentored me, would get together, smoke a few cigars, and talk about race issues in America. It was a very civil discourse, especially after we’d had a few drinks. 

And what we all agreed on was that we literally need more racial justice. Literally! Well, I am not sure they agreed, now that I think about it. But we talked about lots of things, me and the good ol’ boys. The point is, we need a president who understands what black Americans are feeling right now, the same way that my friends Talmadge and Eastman understood it.

Er . . . OK. What are we talking about here? Right.

So I just want to tell you about the one issue we face today, and that is, defunding the police. We absolutely need to defund the police. We need to defund the police, the ICE, the FBI, and all the state police. But we also need to fund the police better. 

And while we abolish the police and, at the same time, increase their funding, we need to do it with the kind of decency and honorableness that I have always been known for. So I just want to be clear about what my position is, on the defunding police issue: we definitely need to defund the police, and, while we are doing that, we need to spend more money on the police, so that the police, after being defunded, have all the funds they need to do their job with honorableness and decency. So I hope I’ve made my position clear. I am serious!

The Cure for Terrible People

Let me be clear about something. All of us must remember is that at least 10 to 15 percent of all Americans are not very good people. Let’s be honest here, folks—they really are not. I know this for a fact, because not one of them plans to vote for me. In fact, that percentage might be even higher. As many as 20 to 25 percent of Americans probably aren’t very good people. They are bad people, in point of fact. And another 15 percent or so are at best so-so people. So we might have as many 40 percent of Americans who aren’t good people. Maybe even 45 percent. Some worse than others, obviously.

A lot of the Latino people support Trump—and they are just terrible people. Almost half of the Latino people are not good people. Let me tell you something—if you is a Latino, and you is for Trump, you ain’t a Latino. In fact, I don’t need the Latino vote at all! I can win without Latinos! No joke!

Folks we have the coro . . . cor . . . the thing, the virus, out there. So the most important thing right now is to take care of the cure. As soon as we find the cure, that will make the problem worse no matter what. No matter what. The whole point of finding the cure is to make the problem even bigger. Er . . . What am I saying? I . . . What? I’m saying that . . . What . . . Ahh . . . Er . . . What I mean is, we need to find a cure. Yes. Coronavirus is a disease, and I am the cure. Er . . . No . . . I don’t mean that . . . If we find a cure, then we can cure people. Right. 

And in fact, the Biden Cancer Initiative is an example of how we can cure people. The Biden Cancer Initiative is all about a cure for cancer. And just like the Biden Cancer Initiative, we need to . . . er . . . well, it didn’t actually find a cure, that wasn’t really the point of it, the point of it was to draw attention to the problem of cancer, because I wouldn’t want to die of cancer. Would you? Of course not. Plus, I am on the board of the Biden Cancer Initiative, and so is my wife, Valerie Biden, and that’s how we get paid the big bucks from this cancer thing. I am serious!

And folks, I am looking at the corona . . . coro . . . at the numbers, and, oh, boy . . . Oh, boy . . . Oh . . . Oh, man . . . Those numbers . . . Oh, boy . . . The numbers . . . Boy, those very high numbers have to do at least several things. One, we have to depend on what the president’s going to do right now, and first of all, he has to . . . tell . . . wait til the cases happen before anything happens. We can’t do anything until things happen. No . . . Those numbers, they depend on the president. I mean, we have to wait until the virus causes an actual infestation . . . The virus . . . 

Here’s the deal—this epidemic is all Trump’s fault. Er . . . well, OK, maybe not the whole epidemic, but definitely some of the epidemic is his fault. And . . . I am so proud . . . of the nurses . . . and doctors, also! But I like nurses . . . Especially nurses. Boy, some of those nurses are damn hot! No joke!

More Hysteria and Fearmongering

Look, Trump’s got to get in place things that were shortages of. I mean, that we had shortages of. Er . . . Right. Shortages. Especially the masks. Masks are key. There were shortages of masks. We need more masks, and we have those high numbers of people in masks, and some people should wear two masks, or even three masks. We need more masks, and Trump isn’t making more masks. I mean it! Ever since I was Barack America’s vice president, I always chose truth over facts! 

Folks, I’ll be honest with you: it’s getting kinda boring, sitting here in my crypt every day, day after day. Doing these videos from my crypt is getting a little stale, truth be told, especially since nobody ever watches them. Anything to break the monotony, if you know what I mean. Maybe I’ll even go to . . . somewhere. I don’t know where yet, as long as it’s completely safe. No joke!

Folks, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and admit that Hillary Clinton was always more qualified than me to be vice president. And that is why I am running for president now—because I’ve always been the second-most qualified. Maybe even third-most qualified, if you count a few other people whose names I won’t mention, because I can’t remember them. I am serious!

And folks, unlike Trump, we base our policies on truth over facts! Right! Wait, I said that already, didn’t I? Right. The facts say, we don’t need masks anymore, because protesting is more important, and you need to show your face when you’re protesting. And that is why we have to move forward right now! As Americans, we have to come together while moving forward! I know times are tough, but the stakes in this election have never been higher! You can’t deal with the economic crisis until you deal with the public health crisis! We need to forgive all student debt immediately! We’ve gotta act now to keep the doors open for small businesses on Main Street! We’ve got to make sure that Main Street joins Wall Street! And we have to make sure that Wall Street joins that other street! Like Broadway, or Fifth Avenue! We need a task force to deal with this crisis! Donald Trump’s response to the coro . . . corona . . . cor . . . the virus is inept! 

Let me be clear about something else, too. I oppose all walls! A wall will not stop the coronavirus. Did you know that? You did. Good. I am against travel bans! This disease could impact every nation and any person on the planet—and we need a plan to combat it. This is no time for Donald Trump’s record of hysteria, hysterical xenophobia, and fearmongering! It is time for all Americans to go out and protest the lockdowns! No, wait, that’s wrong . . . What I mean is, it is time for all Americans to go out and protest racism! Right! 

Folks, there are many people who are unemployed now, because of the cor . . . cor . . . the virus, and because of Trump. Three hundred million Americans are unemployed, not counting the 700 million women. And that’s just terrible. That is why I stand shoulder to shoulder with those Democratic governors who are continuing the lockdowns. Safety first!

Folks, I’ve been talking here for quite a while now, and I am trying to remember, have I talked about masks already? I have? OK, then! What about defunding the police? Have I talked about that? I have? I see. OK, thanks, Valerie. What’s that? You’re not Valerie? Oh . . . What about the cor . . . cor . . . the virus? Have I talked about the virus? Oh, good. I wasn’t sure. I thought I had, but I wanted to be 100 percent certain. 

And that Floyd fella, Pink Floyd, I think it was, from Milwaukee. Have I talked about him? I have? Are you sure? Well, OK, then. I guess we’re done, folks!

Thank you, folks!

About George S. Bardmesser

George S. Bardmesser is an attorney in private practice in the Washington, DC area. He is a contributor to The Federalist and American Greatness, and is sometimes heard on the "Inside Track" radio show on KVOI in Tucson, Arizona and sometimes seen discussing politics (in Russian) on New York’s American-Russian TV channel RTVi.

Photo: JIM WATSON/AFP via Getty Images

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