Great America

Defeating Looters and Antifa with These Simple Tricks

How to protect your business in a blue city.

They are pretty obvious, the black-clad, ski-masked vermin in the backline of initially peaceful demonstrations.

But if a person is a downtown-property owner in a blue city where the Second Amendment is considered only an unseemly suggestion, how does one keep his means of living from being looted and set afire by criminal thugs and Antifa seditionists? Perhaps the answer is “Access Denial.”

You can’t steal what you can’t see: Meet the Lawrence Welk Machine.

There is a company called Landmark Sprinkler which makes an enormous mechanical bubble generator some call the Lawrence Welk Machine (named after the big band leader whose background bubbles were his trademark).

The original intent was to extinguish aircraft hangar fires with an enormous sea of bubbles in a minute or so. The bubbles, in fact, are filled with air, and one can breathe inside this vast tide of white; but one can’t see, so it’s hard to steal anything. A couple of these in a store lobby would deter the greedy but irresolute thugs. For fun, one could add a few gallons of Capsicum Chinense (Habanero) extract to ensure they never return.

While the looters are casting about in the eye-watering and nasal-clearing mass, sensors could release one-foot-diameter, spring-loaded, razor-wire “Slinkys” in which the black-clad scum would become entangled. (Did I mention that U.S. embassies located in overseas hotspots tend to have both devices? They use CS tear gas powder, but habanero is cheaper.)

And then there is the blast from the past: Instant Banana Peel. First developed in the 1960s, it is now called the “Mobility Denial System,” a water-soluble polymer that makes whatever surface it coats as slippery as wet ice.

Here’s your image: A soggy, suds-encrusted, black-clad jerk, bleeding from ankle cuts, empty-handed, slipping and busting his butt as he attempts to leave the property.

Somehow, I don’t think CNN’s resident anchor-clown (pick one) would cover it.