Joe Biden: Folks, I am glad to be here in Las Vegas, New Mexico, with you. New Mexico is a terrific state, one of the 12 states that originally came together to form the United States back in 1876. I have been here, in your state, many times, and each time I am impressed by the great people of New Mexico.
Er . . . Hold on a second, where are we this time? What’s that? We’re not in New Mexico? Uh-huh. So this isn’t Las Vegas? I was wondering what happened to all the casinos . . . We’re in Vermont, right? Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? ’Cause it sure looks like Vermont to me.
So where are we then? New Jersey? I can’t hear you . . . Oh, right, New Hampshire! New Hampshire is also a great state, and just as pretty as Vermont! I love New Hampshire, folks! No joke!
Folks, a lot of you are wondering how I got here from Iowa, since my “No Malarkey” bus broke down. Well, my old friend Jeffrey Epstein is no longer with us, sadly, and he had a Gulfstream jet, so I borrowed it. I mean, what are friends for, right? It’s not like he needs it anymore, while they are still looking for those video tapes showing who was coming and going to his cell, and what have you. The point is, every self-respecting presidential candidate needs a private jet if he wants to represent the working stiffs of America, and I respect myself more than most. Fortunately, one was available from Jeff.
I am being serious!
Folks, I would like to talk to you about a subject that is very controversial these days. I want to talk to you about my masculinity. I have tons of it, which is why I challenge people to push-up contests. Now, there are two kinds of masculinity: the right kind, like mine, and the toxic kind. It’s simple to tell the difference between the two: the toxic kind is what Republicans have, and the right kind is what I have.
To have the right kind of masculinity, like me, you have to exercise regularly. Whenever I go to the gym, I think about going to the alley behind that gym and beating up Trump. Maybe Trump is there, behind the gym, and maybe he isn’t—but if I had to go mano a mano against Trump, he wouldn’t stand a chance, not any more than Corn Pop stood a chance against me, and that’s the God’s honest truth.
The only difference between Trump and Corn Pop is that Trump is real, and Corn Pop exists only in my imagination—but aside from that, it’s the same exact thing. Well, that, and the fact that Corn Pop had gold teeth, and Trump, they say, has a gold toilet in his tower. And by the way, we just updated my campaign website—my pronoun is “He” with a big “H.” That’s right, I’m the big dog now. The guy at the top. I’m the Man! No joke!
Sure, I might look like a little shrimp, but appearances can be deceiving. If you are looking for a candidate who can go mano a mano against Trump—I am your woman. I mean, I’m your man. Right.
And just to show you that I have solid multicultural bona fides, I even speak a little Spanish—like that phrase “mano a mano” is Spanish. I know a few other key expressions, like “adios, muchachas,” and “cuanto cuesta,” all of which are very useful whenever I visit Mexico. So that makes me the multicultural heir to Julian Castro’s campaign, especially since he doesn’t speak Spanish at all.
The Highest IQ in Verm . . . er, New Hampshire
Folks, there is one other thing you should know about me: everybody loves me. I mean it! I give you my word as a Biden on that! Literally everybody loves me. Do I have evidence to prove it? Absolutely. I got elected senator from Delaware 17 times—now, would they do that if they didn’t love me? And, even more important, I was Barack Obama’s vice president. Did you know that Barack and I were in the same administration? I was the vice president, as I just told you, which makes me the brains behind the whole operation.
It so happens, I have incredibly high IQ—I challenge any of you people in the audience today to an IQ test. I can tell you one thing—my IQ is definitely higher than your IQ. I guarantee that my IQ is the highest IQ in Vermont—and that’s the God’s honest truth. Er . . . I mean, the highest in New Hampshire. We’re in New Hampshire, right? Right. Just making sure . . .
Well, the fact of the matter is my IQ is the highest in Vermont, too. In fact, I have the highest IQ in the entire Pacific Northwest. I mean, Pacific Northeast. Er . . . I mean, the Northeast, including Chicago. The last time I took an IQ test, they couldn’t even measure my IQ, it was so high. If they could have measured it, it would probably be at least 500. That’s why I did so well in law school, for example. Based on my grades, of the 63 students in my class, I came in 64th, which is a pretty amazing performance, as you can imagine. Honest!
Walmart Has Many Openings
So, folks, it’s time to talk about climate change. We haven’t talked about climate change at all during this campaign, so I want to be the first one to talk about it. Barack and I worked on climate change for years, and we signed the Paris Climate Treaty. Well, actually, he signed it, but only after I told him to sign it. He probably wouldn’t have signed the Paris Climate Accord if it weren’t for me.
In fact, the Paris Climate Accord is one of the signature achievements of the Biden-Obama Administration, and my signature on that treaty is one of my proudest moments. I mean, it was Barack’s signature, but it might as well be mine, since I was the architect of that whole thing.
And folks, yes, the fact of the matter is all of you will need to make some sacrifices to save the climate. Yes, it’s true, a lot of your jobs will disappear. Good jobs, sure. High-paying blue collar jobs, sure. Jobs in the auto industry will disappear. We won’t need jobs in the auto parts industry either. Jobs in the oil industry will disappear. Mining jobs will disappear. No more logging or transportation jobs—they are really bad for climate, so we don’t want jobs like that. And the good news is—we won’t have any engineering or geology jobs either, under my climate plan.
The way I figure, maybe 10 or 20 million of those jobs will vanish under my plan. But if that is the price we have to pay, then I will gladly pay it. It’s the smart thing to do—and remember, I am the guy with the galactically high IQ, so I know what I am talking about. Folks, really, who cares about those blue collar jobs that pay $150,000 a year? I certainly don’t—I make more than that for a single 30 minute speech, because people love listening to me talk so much! Besides, all those people will have plenty of other opportunities—and America is all about opportunities.
They can be retrained to install solar panels on their neighbors’ houses. They can be retrained to replace batteries in Tesla cars when the Tesla pulls into what used to be a gas station—especially after we build more gas stations that don’t sell any gas. They can be retrained to work in retail—Walmart, for example, has many cashier openings. Have you been to a Walmart Supercenter recently? Think of all the jobs there!
Some of these people can become newspaper sex columnists, like in that show on HBO, “Sex and the City.” That’s definitely a job with a small carbon footprint, and high potential. They can be retrained to be a Starbucks barista—which, by the way, comes with health insurance benefits. Those who can’t get a job at Starbucks can take early retirement. And if you’re too young for early retirement, there is always six months of unemployment benefits.
Let’s Go Beyond Normal
I’ve got it all figured out, folks. The point I am trying to make here is that the disappearance of tens of millions of high-paying blue collar jobs is a huge opportunity to transition to a greener economy that you all should embrace. All of you should welcome change if it means regulating blue collar jobs out of existence and shipping those unwanted jobs off to China. And by the way, this is why most Congressional Democrats consider me the most electable—because unlike Trump, I am on the side of the little guy.
Oh, and there are other job opportunities out there for anyone who wants to leave the oil, or manufacturing, or transportation fields—such as making donuts. Yes, donuts. Right now, there are way too many Indians making donuts in donut shops. I don’t mean Indians like Elizabeth Warren. I mean Indians, like, you know, Indians. I am talking about Indians from India. The kind of Indians that look like Indians. Every donut shop you go into these days, there are Indians working there. But there are only so many Indians out there—so that’s why I am not worried at all about the job losses under my climate plan, because there are a lot of donut shops that need workers. No joke!
You see, as I said in the last debate, the American people don’t really like the economy today. The middle class is getting killed. The middle class is getting crushed. And the working class has no way up. And that is why, under my plan, we will get rid of all those jobs in mining, manufacturing, oil, gas, transportation and construction—and instead, we will offer them better jobs at Starbucks, Walmart and Dunkin’ Donuts.
Folks, it is time for America to go beyond normal. We may have been normal once, but that’s not good enough anymore. Beyond normal will be the new normal. It will be more normal than normal. How do we know this? Because we are shifting to a new paradigm. Forget the old paradigm—this is the new one. No more Google. It’s a new consensus that we need to be building towards. We will all use AT&T as a search engine. What is a search engine, by the way? Can someone explain to me what a search engine is? Never mind, maybe I’ll ask my great-grandchildren, they probably know. I am being serious!
Folks, I know you are just as angry as I am about how Republicans are attacking my family, especially my son. My son did nothing wrong in Ukraine. Absolutely nothing. I know this for a fact, because I asked him, and he said “Dad, everything I’ve done in Ukraine is totally legit. Completely aboveboard. I am so squeaky clean on Ukraine, I am practically antiseptic. Those people who are questioning my important work in Ukraine don’t know what they are talking about.” Hunter told me this, and I believe him. And that’s why he agreed to never do it again, so that’s even more reason for you to have faith in me, and you have my word as a Biden on that.
Folks, you know I hate to do this, but I need your money. I want each and every one of you to take out your phone, and go to J-1-1-1. I know, I know, I told people before that they should go to J-O-E-1-2-3, but the letter part of it was just too damn complicated. So we simplified it to J-1-2-3, which I really, really thought I could remember, but the numbers were just too confusing. So we decided to simplify things some more, and just make it J-1-1-1. Even I can remember that, and that’s no joke. So I want you all to take out your phones right now, go to J-1-1-1, and make a donation to my campaign.
Thank you, folks!