Joe Biden: Folks, I am delighted to be here in Idaho with you once again. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please hold your applause until the end—I know you really love applauding me every chance you get, but I have a lot to say, and we can’t afford the interruptions. But . . . if you really want to applaud, go ahead, it’s fine, I like it when you applaud me. Thank you, thank you!
I tell you what . . . It was worth the trip here, just to hear that applause—I don’t get it many other places, so it’s really music to my ears, when somebody applauds me. So just keep applauding for as long as you like—this is why I come to Idaho in the first place, folks!
I have really good news for the people of Idaho: this time, I brought my brain with me, so there is no stopping me now. I am in rare form today! All those neurons I’ve got up here, in my head—they’ve never been as active as they are today! I am being serious here! I literally, for the first time in a long time, plugged my brain into the recharger, and I’m just rarin’ to go! I am definitely ready to go all the way to the White House!
Folks, I tell you what . . . after almost 80 years in politics, this is what I’ve learned: the power of the human mind is simply remarkable. Especially of the American mind, which is different from all other minds in its character. Ours is a character born of conviction, forged in the fires of . . . the fires of . . . the . . . aahh . . . er . . . fires . . . The mind can do things . . . er . . . things that can . . . American things . . . Never mind. Yeah . . .
What I am trying to say, and this is no joke, is that Americans are looking for an experienced, thoughtful, middle-class guy to sit in the Oval Office. An Average Joe, sure—but someone really, really smart. That’s me. They don’t call me Middle-Class Joe The Brain for nothing.
In fact, throughout my Senate career, everyone always called me The Brain, because I’ve always been known for my superior intelligence. They started calling me Middle-Class Joe later, after I bought my second beach house . . . Er . . . I meant, the first beach house, my second house isn’t really a beach house, it’s just a house near Washington, in a nice area, and it was only $6 million, which is very modest.
The Most Amazing Experience of My Life
So I just want the record to reflect that I didn’t actually buy a second beach house, I bought a first beach house, and the other second house doesn’t count at all. . . What I am trying to say is that it isn’t a beach house. And it is completely false to suggest that I bought two beach houses after I retired from public service, because only the second one that I bought is a proper beach house, and the big one I own in Virginia reminds me of the White House, with all those crystal chandeliers, and it’s not that far from the White House either, and that’s why I bought it, ’cause I figured, what the hell, I deserve it.
The fact of the matter is, I’ve been there, in the Oval Office. Many times. I sat on the couch there, with Barack. It’s a really nice couch, by the way. And as I’ve said before, I’ve been intimate with many presidents, at least three that I can remember, and, who knows, maybe a few other presidents that I’ve been intimate with, but can’t recall their names off the top of my head.
So as I was saying, and this is no joke, Barack and I would often sit on the couch together, talk about important stuff and hold hands, although we don’t often talk about that fact, because people might find it a bit odd that a black dude and a white dude would be sitting on a couch in the Oval Office holding hands. What I am trying to say is that it was perfectly normal for Barack and I to hold hands, because who wouldn’t want to hold hands with me? I am serious!
But I remember how I would look into Barack’s eyes at those moments, and it was just . . . the most amazing experience of my life. And of his life, too, I am sure. I know he felt the same way. Until, of course, Michele walked in and broke the spell.
But I can see why Barack didn’t want to take photos of that special moment, ‘cause it might have sent the wrong message, although now that I think about it, I wish we had some photos where Barack and I are holding hands. It would sure help my campaign messaging, what with Barack not endorsing me and those evil Congressional Republicans talking about my son, Hunter.
Not that I am bitter or anything, I can see why Barack doesn’t want to endorse me, and, in fact, I asked him myself not to endorse me, if you can believe that, and that’s the God’s honest truth, but the important thing is that in the Biden-Obama Administration, we sure did things differently. I can see it all clearly, now that all my brain cells are firing more or less at the same time. No joke!
Occasionally, Barack would sit behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, and I would sit on the couch. And I would talk, and Barack would listen to my thoughts. Barack really valued my advice, you’d better believe it. Barack would literally nod his head whenever I would say something—and that’s how I know that my counsel was the single most valuable thing, in the Biden-Obama Administration.
In point of fact, and I want to be clear about this, that’s how Barack and I became the intellectual juggernaut that we were, during those twelve years of the Biden-Obama Administration—me giving him advice, and him listening and nodding. Barack and I were the unstoppable intellectual steamroller that really changed America, especially when Barack did what I told him to do, like not going after Osama bin Laden.
What’s the Plural of Moose?
And folks, it is time we had a real conversation about guns. I want you to know—and this is the God’s honest truth—that I don’t know a damn thing about guns. But what I do know is that we need to ban them. Guns have bullets in them. Bullets, as we all know, are dangerous. Bullets go in one end, and come out the other, and this is not how it’s supposed to be. What I mean is, I don’t know why bullets come out of guns, because nobody ever explained to me how guns work.
For some reason, guns make bullets fly really fast, and nobody has the foggiest idea of why that happens. All I really know is what I saw in the movies—you pull that little thing with your finger, the one that’s on the bottom of the gun, and. . . bang! No joke! And that’s just not right.
The fact of the matter is, guns are dangerous even without bullets. I mean, did you know there are guns that don’t shoot bullets, but shoot those other little things? The truth is, we have made a lot of progress over the years, when it comes to taking guns away from people and making America safer for criminals . . . er . . . I mean, wait, what did I just say? . . . Never mind, here is what I am trying to say, because this is literally no joke, so I want to go on the record here, and tell you that the job is never done, and that fight is never over, because people are coming up with new guns all the time.
And folks, I’ve seen what guns can do, because I just saw the latest “Terminator,” and that whole old-badass-chick/young-badass-chick/teenage-badass-chick dynamic really got me excited . . . er . . . but in a wholesome and very appropriate way. Yeah . . . What I wouldn’t give to give all three of them a really nice back rub . . . but we are not here to talk about that, we are here to talk about guns.
Did you see that big gun Sarah Connor had? That gun is not the kind of gun children should be playing with. And does anybody know how it works? Why does it keep shooting and shooting? Is that really possible? I didn’t even know you could do that . . . Right . . . Never mind . . .
Here is the deal: we need to talk about the fact that some people put 100 clips into a single magazine—and folks, there is absolutely no reason to have 100 clips in a magazine. Even 99 clips in a single magazine is too many. These military-style magazines don’t belong on American streets, and when I am president, I will ban them. No more 100-clip magazines, ever!
The fact of the matter is, the only people who should have guns are the people who protect me from the deplorables. Like my bodyguards. Nobody else should have a gun. OK, maybe we’ll make an allowance for hunters. They can keep those guns with the rotating thingy. Like the one Clint Eastwood had in those Western movies. You know what I am talking about, right? That thingy that you put bullets in, and it spins. So if a hunter wants to hunt moose with that gun, that’s fine with me. Or even two mooses. Wait. . . What’s the plural of moose? Is it mooses? Or meese..? Or mice..? I think it’s mooses, but I am not really sure now. . . Am I going nuts here? I don’t think so. . . No, no way—I am definitely not going nuts. Not going nuts, period. I know that for a fact!
I Can See How That Maybe Looked a Little Weird . . .
I tell you what, folks: we also have to talk about the impeachment of Donald Trump. The fact of the matter is, there is literally no other option now. Well, actually there are many other options, but the only one we want to talk about is that one. Yes, we’ve got to impeach. The Constitution requires us to do so, because. . . well. . . it just does. Impeachment is the constitutional remedy when we have a president whom we hate as much as we hate Trump. No joke!
I have to be honest with you about another thing, folks: there are some firefighters present here today, in this room. These are wonderful men and women who fight fires because they are firefighters. It’s a tough union job—fighting fires. That’s why we call them firefighters—because they fight fires. And I’ve always supported fires. Er . . . I mean, I’ve always supported fighting fires. And the people who fight fires, I’ve always supported them, too. I am being serious here!
And this reminds me of how I went to South Africa to see Nelson Mandela, when I was Barack’s vice president. I was very upset about what was happening with Nelson Mandela, and so I asked him if he wanted to join the Congressional Black Caucus. And he said, “Yes, Joe, of course, I will join, if you will join.” So we both joined the Congressional Black Caucus—and then we both got arrested literally as soon as we got off the plane in Philadelphia, because for an old white dude like me, to join the Congressional Black Caucus in 1963 was a very serious offense. No joke!
So after me and Nelson Mandela got off the plane, I went to see Jill, and I said to her “Jill, I’m only gonna ask you one more time, and that’s it. No more second chances for you, because I want you to know—I’ve been keeping my options open for my future vice-presidential career, and I need a wife who looks the part and will not embarrass me. And I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I think you’re just the girl I’ve been looking for.”
And you know what? She said “yes”, as I knew she would. Because I had two sons, Beau and Hunter, and, well, you know that Beau died, but then Hunter hooked up with Beau’s wife, picking up where Beau left off, and. . . well. . . OK, yeah, I can see how that maybe looked a little weird . . . But Hallie was lonely, and Hunter was lonely, and they both needed someone, so why not each other?
And Hunter was going to marry Beau’s wife, except that she wasn’t his wife anymore, what with Beau being dead, but then he met a wildlife enthusiast from South Africa, and she sure knew lots about the wildlife, so they had some pretty wild times together, and she dumped her boyfriend, and he dumped Hallie, and they got married ten days later, and that, folks, is the Biden way! Thank you! Thank you!
I see my time is up, so if you have your phone, you should go to J-O-E-1-2-3 on your phone, and donate money to my campaign. It used to be J-O-E-3-3-0-3-3, but that was too many letters and numbers, and I just couldn’t remember them all, especially the first part. J-O-E-1-2-3 is simpler to remember. Go ahead, folks, you can do that right now. No need to wait. I am being serious!
Thank you, folks!