Joe Biden: It is a really great to return to Des Moines. I’ve always loved being here, in the great state of Indiana, where the American auto industry was born. But we are not here in Des Moines, Ohio to talk about the auto industry. We are here to talk about Donald Trump. We talk about Trump all the time, and this is a perfect time to talk about him some more.
So folks, let me be clear now: when Trump said after Charlottesville that there were, and I quote, “very fine people on both sides,” I said . . . I said . . . I don’t know what I said, but I definitely said something, and it was on TV!
OK, now I remember. Here is what I said: “We cannot give license and safe harbor to white supremacists and Nazis and the Klu Klux Klan!” And do you know why I said that? It is because as a young man, I fought the Nazis and the Klan!
Seventy-five years ago, I landed with our troops on the beaches of Normandy, under withering machine gun fire—and I remember it like it was yesterday. The Nazis were firing machine-gun bullets at me, from unlicensed machine guns! And those Nazi bullets were bigger than my bullets. I didn’t know a thing about bullets, except that it’s better to have big bullets than little bullets. But it was really scary, but not as scary as being almost 80 years old now, and to have nothing to do with my life, except run for president.
I am being serious!
Folks, I remember how many years later, after my landing at Normandy, when I worked at the community pool, I had to face T-Bone, and I had no fear of T-Bone. I knew that there was nothing to fear but fear itself, because that’s what Franklin D. Roosevelt told me as I watched him on TV back in 1929. Even though, I have to be completely honest with you now, that fear I felt did feel pretty frightening, because T-bone was a really tough dude. No, wait . . . I think I’ve got my imaginary friends confused here . . . Didn’t Senator Booker have T-Bone? Right. He did. He had T-bone, and I had Corn Bread. I mean, Corn Pop. No joke!
And this reminds me: When I was just a 10-year-old kid, my daddy and I were walking down the street, and we saw two dudes. And those two dudes were French kissing each other. It sure seemed like a lot of passion was going on there, between those two dudes.
I thought that was pretty unusual, so I asked my daddy: “Dad, I am not a homophobe or an Islamophobe, in fact, I fully support gay marriage, and I don’t even mind if my waiter is gay or Indian, and I don’t even care if he is both gay and Indian, but, Dad, what the hell are those two dudes doing?”
And my daddy said to me: “Son, they love each other. This is not the 19th century anymore—we are living in enlightened times now, it’s the 1920s, after all. So it is perfectly normal for two dudes who feel love and passion for each other to be kissing each other in public, and to engage in consensual sexual intercourse and various other consensual acts in private.”
Now, I was only 10 years old at the time, so I didn’t fully appreciate what exactly they might be doing in private, but, from what my daddy said, I figured, it sure sounded like fun. I thought that it might even be something I might try myself, when I was a little bit older.
Folks, let me get to my point here. I know what a lot of you are thinking right now: why does Joe Biden always wear aviator shades? There is a reason why. Those aviator shades make me look way cooler than I really am. I put on those aviator sunglasses, and I feel like a Master of the Universe. I feel like Tom Cruise. When I put those sunglasses on, I feel like I am a Top Gun pilot flying that Navy F-something-or-other. The one they call the Hellcat. Or maybe the Bobcat. That one.
So, being a Master of the Universe, I have to tell you: we all have to rely on the wisdom of our parents. I learned a lot from my daddy. I remember another time when I was 10 years old, and he and I were walking down the street in Delaware, back when Woodrow Wilson was president, and I asked him: “Dad, is that a man or a woman over there?” And my daddy said to me: “Son, that is a transgendered person who was born a man but now self-identifies as a woman, and that is why xe now puts on makeup, because xe wants to look attractive to members of the opposite sex, such as women who self-identify as men.”
This all sounded completely natural to me, because my daddy was a very wise man, and what can be more natural than a man who says that he is a woman and wants to look good to women who are actually men? In fact, folks, the single biggest issue facing America today is which pronoun to use in which situation, given that we know there are at least three genders out there. Period.
But let me get back to Chappaquiddick . . . I mean, to Charlottesville. I got sidetracked a bit there . . . The fact of the matter is, this is all about the Klan. No joke!
The world was stunned to learn that Trump likes the Klan. Trump has probably been a member of the Klan his whole life, even though he’s been hiding it pretty well. I know this because back in the day, in the 1960s, me and Senator Talmadge and Senator Eastman would get together late at night, have a few drinks, smoke some cigars, and talk shop.
Now, me and ol’ Senators Talmadge and Eastman didn’t always see eye to eye on everything, at least not 100 percent. For example, they liked dark ties, and I preferred more colorful ones. But I learned to work with them, because they were the best that the Democratic Party had to offer. They hated busing, and I hated busing. They hated Lyndon Baines Johnson, and I hated Lyndon Baines Johnson. Or . . . er . . . I didn’t really hate Johnson, more like, disliked him intensely, but we found a way to bridge our differences, especially when it came to rights for the n . . . what I mean is, we talked and . . . I wrote letters to them, asking for their help because all of us wanted to kill busing and . . . well . . .
What am I talking about here?
I am talking about federally mandated school busing, which I was against, as opposed to locally mandated school busing, which I was for . . . well . . . I didn’t actually support it, but I wasn’t opposed to it either. I was for it before I was against it, just like Talmadge and Eastman were against it before they were for it, even though they were never actually for it, and it is racist to oppose it . . . I mean it is not racist to oppose the one kind of mandated busing, but it is racist to oppose the other kind of mandated busing . . . Right.
This is serious!
The fact of the matter is, they were fine people, both of them. Senators Talmadge and Eastman were great men, and great senators. Well, except for a few things they occasionally said about the n . . . people of color. And both Talmadge and Eastman would often say to me, back in 1962: “My God, Biden, if we had Donald Trump on board with us, we could do anything!”
“Son,” James Eastman would tell me, “son, when you grow up, and you’re no longer the junior senator from a tiny state, you want to be just like Trump. And that’s the God’s honest truth!”
That is why Trump wants African American people to focus on insignificant things, like the lowest unemployment in history, and wages rising like never before. The God’s honest truth is that he is doing all this ’cause he wants to put you all chains—and this reminds me again of those two dudes kissing in Delaware, because they probably had a few chains back in their house, and . . . er . . . right, I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with that . . . er . . . no, it is definitely wrong if it isn’t consensual.
You can probably imagine what was going on there, with all the chains but as long as it was consensual, I was fine with it, and I should probably add that I’ve used some chains from time to time myself, but not like Trump . . . If I use chains, I do it lovingly, and not like a racist would use chains. No joke!
And remember when Dr. King got assassinated in the 1980s? Well, son of a bitch, it sure looks like Trump could have done that, too! I’ve always suspected that Trump was the gunman on the grassy knoll.
I am being completely serious here!
We’re in a battle for the soul of this nation. That is a great phrase—I came up with it myself. And that’s primarily why I’m running for president. I can’t really think of any other reasons to run for president, so this is as good as any.
Folks, Chappaquiddick was no isolated incident. Er . . . I mean Charlottesville. Chappaquiddick was something else. And remember how when Trump announced he was running for president, he called Mexicans rapists? Even the Mexican women he thinks are rapists! Come on, man! Everyone knows women can’t be rapists! Or . . . can they? Maybe they can be rapists . . . I wouldn’t want to discriminate against women and say that there is something men can do that women cannot . . . Er . . . I am not sure now, I gotta think about that.
But forget the Mexicans—Trump called a major American city a disgusting rat-infected mess. Now, I don’t go to Baltimore myself, because the place stinks to high heaven of excrement, garbage, rat droppings, and dead rodents, but that’s no reason to call it a disgusting rat-infected mess! Only a white supremacist would call Baltimore that! No joke!
Folks, let me tell you something. I am the guy who, along with Senator Dianne Feinstein, got assault weapons banned and high-capacity magazines banned in this country for 10 years. And the reason we banned assault weapons is that people use them to assault each other. And that’s gotta stop!
These military-style weapons are dangerous, especially when the people who carry them dress in military-style outfits, which is completely unacceptable in our democracy. So if we are elected presidents, me and President Feinstein will ban the military-style weapons and military-style clothing. And you have my word as a Biden on that!
The truth is, I can’t even count to 30 most days, and neither can Dianne Feinstein, who is about two decades older than I am, so that’s why any magazine with 30 rounds ought to be banned. In fact, it is time for us to go further, and ban all magazines. High capacity, low capacity—I don’t know the difference, and I don’t care. We should ban all magazines, starting with Good Housekeeping.
So folks, let me tell you something. I am being completely serious here, because this is the God’s honest truth. I give you my word as a Biden, that this is no joke, not even a little bit, and we need to get on with this as expeditiously as possible. The fact of the matter is, and let me be absolutely clear, this is no time for malarkey, either.
The point is, when it comes to the issues that face America today, we need to deal with those issues head on. What I am trying to say is that quite simply, we have to make the same commitment as a nation to solving other nation’s problems that we made to solving our own problems.
No, wait . . . That’s not what I meant. What I mean is this, and I want to be really clear now: everyone has problems, and once I figure out what those problems are, we will start solving them together, and no malarkey. Period.
Folks, the blessings of liberty are important, but not as important as the other blessings. The honest truth is that all kinds of blessings are part of the American character. We must all support the American ideals, once we agree on what those ideals are, but it’s always a fight and it’s a battle that has never fully finished. I started that battle on the beaches of Normandy, and you have my word as a Biden that . . . that . . . the beaches of Normandy were . . . in Normandy.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Trump offers no moral leadership to this country. Trump has dated lots of hot models in the past, and even married a few of them, and I’ve never had a hot model in my entire life. And that’s just not fair.
And folks, I just heard that Mike Bloomberg is also running for president. I know you all think this is bad news for my campaign. And you’re right—it is bad news. But the good news is—Mike Bloomberg is even older than I am! Can you believe it? The guy is older than dirt, at 77—and he thinks he can be president? Come on, man! That’s just ridiculous! I won’t be 77 until November 20, for Pete’s sake—and this guy is already 77! There is just no way the American people will vote for someone as old as Mikey B.
You know, I read somewhere that there are almost 330 million Americans. Every single one of them deserves a hug, or a good back rub. And Donald Trump just doesn’t get it. He hasn’t given a good back rub to a single woman since he became president. This is no joke. No matter how old or young you are, you could use a good back rub.
As your president, I promise you this: you can always come to me if you need a little massage. All we need to do is stand together and get up and remember who we are—even those of us who are in a wheelchair, or soon will be. This is the United States of America. Period.
Thank you, and may God protect our troops fighting the Viet Cong.