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B.S. News: How You People Can Save My Planet

This week, I’m turning over my column space to Madam Henrietta Von Wanderlust, vice president of external affairs for Prune Our Planet. Madam (her preferred personal pronoun) Wanderlust’s views are her own and do not necessarily reflect the views of B.S. News—unless you agree with them.

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In my capacity as vice president of external affairs for Prune Our Planet (POP), I have engaged in extensive online research and exhausted millions of taxpayer grants (and the patience of my estranged spouse). To what end? 

To the end of the earth. 

Yes, Virginia, there isn’t a Santa Claus and the science is settled about climate change. Hurricanes, tornados, floods, earthquakes, income inequality, undocumented migration, the return of once thought extinct diseases amongst California’s homeless, our non-profit’s annual “POP’s Global Gala, Vegan Picnic, and Cornhole Extravaganza” fundraiser being rained out—the number of catastrophes explained by climate change is rising even faster than sea levels.

Even as we resist the ravages of climate change and request a new park permit, another threat to our global village has emerged to hasten the impending climate apocalypse, one which many experts, some of whom may well be scientists, feel is already less than twelve short years away.

This climate change exacerbating new threat is populism; and, yes, that means you people—namely, deplorable climate deniers.

Regrettably, because of the Russian usurper Trump, populism is too often narrowly construed as a political problem for people better than its supporters. This is understandable given Trump’s pernicious, oppressive impact upon a more socially just and equitable world, such as the booming economy that is generating oodles of carbon into the atmosphere without offsets or a mitigating tax. Going deeper, one need not possess the genius of Rob Reiner to glean the dire social, cultural, sexual, environmental, and financial ramifications for the survival of the earth and my non-profit. 

So consider this a “woke up” call for you somnambulant, deplorable climate deniers. Bluntly, there are just too damn many of you people scurrying about the earth; despoiling her primordial beauty for vanity items like shelter and warmth; and devouring her scare resources to feed yourselves and your children at the expense of future generations. In short, on the defining issue of our time—climate change!—Goddess Gaia is calling to say, “it’s not me; it’s you people.” 

Given the now settled fact that you people’s selfishness is expediting Doomsday for your betters, how can you live with yourself?

That was a rhetorical question.

Madam Henrietta Von Wanderlust

But there is good news: You don’t have to. And we at POP are here to help.

Despite the Malthusian epithets hurled against those who love the planet by you people who don’t, we hold no grudge, because that would entail valuing your opinion. Rest assured, then, we are genuinely concerned for you people’s ultimate wellbeing, for being pro-planet is being pro-people. And what are we pro- you people doing? We are all in on helping you people stop being selfish and start saving my planet. 

Inspired by Margaret Sanger, the champion of the “Addition by Subtraction” school of boosting the common good, to eradicate the threat of populism we, the enlightened few here at POP, have commenced a bold, inclusive initiative embracing without reservation all manner of you people: “Get Woke and Go Night-Night.” (And, if we’ve inadvertently omitted any manner of you people, let us know who and where we might reach them.) 

Presently, far too many of you people lack the moral courage to off yourselves for the common good. Nonetheless, eternal optimists that we are, we at POP expect that eventually you people still clinging to your God and guns will realize that weapon is your highway to heaven; and our ticket to an earthly utopia without you people. It’s a win-win.

Larry the Polar Bear: Will you follow his glorious example?

Now before any populist demagogues and their allied Russian trolls take to Twitter to twist our words and incite you people into grabbing your pitchforks and torches to storm the guarded gate of our non-profit’s lavish headquarters, I’m going to tell you about Larry the Polar Bear. POP’s senior staff, partners, family, friends, journalists, local community activists and two hitchhikers we picked up on the way to LAX, were on our latest taxpayer-funded fact-finding expedition, this time to Canada’s frigid climes to study ice levels and gauge how long we had until climate change killed us all—again, thanks to you people. Outside the ski lodge, we spied a celebration of polar bears, with Larry perched on his hind legs majestically hovering above his furry friends on the (oddly) still frozen tundra. Playfully baring his teeth, Larry took a few menacing steps in our direction, which only deepened our angst about how he and his fellow polar bears were doomed because of you people. Quickly, we took Larry’s measure; and, hearts breaking, we raised an anguished, appreciative cheer for the regal beast while our ski instructor Jacques leveled a shotgun and did what needed to be done. 

It is comforting to wonder that, if Larry knew he could help stop climate change and if he had opposable thumbs, he voluntarily would have made his sacrifice for the common good. What one doesn’t have to wonder about is the established fact that Larry’s demise benefited the common good of his grateful polar bear peers, because they now have more resources to sustain them until we stop climate change by implementing our “Get Woke, Go Night-Night” all-inclusive package for you people’s permanent vacation. As for the altruistic polar bear to whom so many owe so much? Fittingly, the altruistic Larry graces a place of honor in that awkwardly shaped corner of my office.

As he stared down both barrels, did Larry know his sacrifice would bring such benefits to his fellow polar bears and such joy to my interior decorator? Of course not. Dr. Doolittle isn’t real, you people! But Larry and his sacrifice are, kind of, thanks to the best taxidermist your tax dollars can hire.

Due to the vicious vagaries of evolution, Larry never had the chance to peruse our online brochure, How You People Can Save My Planet, or contribute to our non-profit. But he did kick the bucket to save the planet; and, as the settled veterinary science suggests: Larry likely didn’t know he had to go for the common good, but would have done it just the same if he did. You people, on the other hand, have no excuse for denying climate change and wanting to go on, despite all the credible evidence you people are the problem. 

Thus, I muse for the common good: Given the stakes for our planet and your betters, will you people follow Larry’s glorious example of self-sacrifice? Can you people stop being selfish; put your Mauser where your mouth is; and “Get Woke and Go Night-Night”? Bluntly, can you people do you—for the future . . . for the children! 

I know you people will—some voluntarily. 

Remember: when you’re planted, my planet will thank you. 

Copyright © 2019 B.S. News

Photo credit(s): Getty Images