What’s Your Democratic Candidate Identity?

National politics is always an adventure. And as every role-playing game hobbyist knows, to keep an adventure going, you’re going to need hordes of “NPCs.” 

If you’re not familiar with the world’s nerdiest hobby, a “non-player character” is anybody the gamemaster invented to further the plot, or for the entertainment of the players. The smith who makes the swords, or the gal who brings the beer at a fantasy tavern, is an NPC. Some gamemasters put a lot of thought into these minor characters. 

In other cases, however, say when there’s an epic scene and you suddenly need 300 Mongol horsemen, or all 13 members of a black magic cult, or a couple dozen Democratic candidates appearing on stage all at once—well, there’s not much point in personalizing short-term minor villains too thoroughly.

Still, the adventure is enhanced if they aren’t all identical. So for the aid of any roleplaying game aficionados who are thinking of using current politics as a campaign backdrop, here’s a quick-and-easy random generator for Democratic presidential candidate NPCs. Just roll a few dice to come up with a faux Democrat—one it is likely your characters won’t be able to tell from the real thing!

Ethnicity:             

  1. Black         
  2. Hispanic   
  3. Asian    
  4. Pseudo-Native American
  5. (and 6) Guilt Ridden

Gendericity:

  1. Female
  2. Transsexual
  3. Transmillennial
  4. Predatory
  5. Gay
  6. Metrosexual

Manner:

  1. Shrill
  2. Pompous
  3. Lugubrious
  4. Pervy
  5. Smug
  6. Frantic

Overcame:

  1. Being called names        
  2. A life of privilege and luxury     
  3. A low SAT score            
  4. The legacy of slavery        
  5. Pronouns              
  6. Fox News

Career:

  1. Mayor
  2. Governor
  3. Senator
  4. Congressperson
  5. Community Disorganizer
  6. Aspiring CNN Political Analyst

Outrage:             

  1. Babies
  2. Statues            
  3. The Second Amendment  
  4. Donald Trump 
  5. Conservative Speech 
  6. Making a Profit       

Obsession: Roll again on “Outrage” table! 

How it works: let’s say you’re planning an adventure—say, a Democratic presidential primary debate—and you need to generate some quick opponents. They won’t be part of the storyline long, and don’t actually have to have developed personalities, but they should have enough distinctions so that they can be kept straight (er, rather, so that you can distinguish them from one another).

No problem! Roll an ordinary six-sided die, for each random characteristic, and just fill in the blanks.

“You see a (ethnicity, gendericity) candidate approaching. Before you can react, your hand has been seized and the candidate fixes you with a sincere smile. ‘Hi!’ says the candidate, in a (manner) way. ‘I hope you’ll elect me to fight for you. I overcame (obstacle) to become a (career). But in a country where (outrage) is still legal, we must continue the fight! Help me ban (Obsession!).”

Or:

“You see a (guilt-ridden, transsexual) candidate approaching. Before you can react, your hand has been seized and the candidate fixes you with a sincere smile. ‘Hi’, says the candidate, in a (frantic) way. ‘I hope you’ll elect me to fight for you. I overcame (pronouns) to become a (Mayor). But in a country where (Conservative Speech) is still legal, we must continue the fight. Help me ban (Donald Trump)!”

These NPC’s can be used in a variety of game scenarios. Your players could be ordinary citizens trying to avoid politicians in a swing state, investigative reporters for Project Veritas, or ruthless debate moderators playing one NPC against another to further their own television careers. The possibilities are endless—and with this easy generator of plausible Democratic candidates, so is your supply of NPCs.

Just like the Democratic Party’s.

Photo credit:  Drew Angerer/Getty Images

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