My Name is B.S.: Bernie’s Outreach to Trump Bros

My name is Bernie Sanders, and I’m running for president.

Some might think it strange that I would appear on the pages of American Greatness to make my case for making America Socialist again. Well, if I can get applause on a Fox News town hall, I figure I can reach out to would-be Bernie Bros here.

You may be disappointed in President Trump. After all, what’s he done for you, the working man? The economic recovery, you say? Nonsense. A strong economy only benefits the 1 percent, like me. Besides, he’s doing it with mirrors. And a mirror is inherently fascist, because in a mirror you can only see yourself, the individual, instead of the community.

I have a great deal in common with your readers. First, I know what it’s like to be victimized by gender identity politics. I used to be praised as a Jewish Socialist hero of the proletariat. Now I’m a white male protector of the patriarchy. Talk about fluidity!

President Trump kicked off his re-election campaign in Orlando, Florida. If there’s anything people my age know, it’s Florida. You don’t think I’m spending my golden years in Vermont, do you? I’m too old to wait for climate change.

I, too, want to return to the good old days, when you could get a nice set of cookware for a few hundred S&H Green Stamps. I think I still have some. You can survive a 90 percent top tax rate if you’re thrifty.

But enough complaining. I’m here to talk about my agenda, which will benefit all Americans, even the ones I don’t like.

Take parking. Isn’t it frustrating when you can’t find a good space close to the mall? Sometimes when I drive my electric car to the Vitamin Shoppe, I have to walk 100 yards or more. This is coerced exercise, and it’s un-American.

My plan would turn every parking space into a handicapped space. They’re always the ones closest to the entrance. Now wherever you park you’ll be just a few feet away from your destination.

Of course, we cannot use that term any longer. So they will be called Differently Abled Spaces (DAS). I’ve started a pilot program in Washington, D.C. to test my plan. It’s called “DAS Capitol.”

What about those spaces set aside for expectant mothers? I do not support them. I believe the government should stay out of the bedroom. No free benefits for blastocysts.

Another initiative I’m working on is the Green Light New Deal. We cannot move forward as a nation if we’re stuck at a red light. So from now on, all traffic signals will be green. It will eliminate congestion, much like the pills I buy at the Vitamin Shoppe.

I know I face a tough, uphill primary. But I can handle my rivals. The other day I told my good friend Joe Biden he should talk more about his early days in the U.S. Senate. I didn’t know he would plagiarize Trent Lott.

I have fresh ideas. But I’m not some new flavor of the day. I’m salty and sweet, like a pint of Ben and Jerry’s “Bernie’s Yearning” ice cream. Yes, that’s a real thing.

So I ask you loyal Trump voters to consider another 70-something white man from New York City who says what’s on his mind, hates Hillary, and doesn’t give a damn about the Democratic Party.

Photo credit: Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images

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About John Herr

John K. Herr is a writer who served in the White House under President George H.W. Bush and President George W. Bush. He has written speeches and jokes for numerous governors and cabinet secretaries, including two appointed by President Trump. He lives in Pennsylvania.

Photo: Getty Images