Only a Razor

The marketing geniuses at Gillette have discovered a way to pander even more to the woke Left.

Gillette launched its first salvo against “toxic masculinity” earlier this year during the Superbowl with its now infamous ad encouraging a kinder, gentler (emasculated) sort of manliness. Now corporate leftism is in full throttle as the razor now advises us that the transgendered need to shave their faces, too.

The news inspired some verses (with apologies to Rudyard Kipling’s “The Betrothed”):

Open the medicine cabinet, darlin’

And pass me my shaving kit—

For I’ve just seen an advertisement,

And I’ve got to respond to it.

For the world is falling to ruin, sweet one;

Yes, the time’s out of joint, my dear;

So I’ve fixed my intent (and I shall not relent):

It’s “No-Shave November” all year.

Consider this safety razor, my dear;

Plastic handle, a blade or two—

This humble and practical object,

Did what it was meant to do—

‘Til in our ridiculous times, my sweet,

And to this generation’s disgrace,

A razor was rebranded as a tool

For emasculating the face.

In our land of perpetual scolding,

Every whisker’s now some sort of crime—

I’m surprised that they aren’t yet insisting

That we yank them out, one at a time!

Masculinity’s “toxic,”, they say, sugar pie;

It’s a sort of “original sin.”

But I won’t say “Amen” to that sermon—

No, not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!

So, darlin’, I hope that you’ll understand

(You might need to sit down, for this news . . .)

I’ve taken a vow, and not too long from now

I shall be as hirsute as Ted Cruz.

Yes, my dear, it’s an unpleasant prospect;

I don’t blame you for clutching your pearls.

Still, a razor is only a razor, and

From now on, they are only for girls.

Photo Credit: Bernd von Jutrczenka/picture alliance via Getty Images

Want news updates?

Sign up for our newsletter to stay up to date.