Democrats Are Just Monkeys With Bananas

African natives use a simple method to catch monkeys: take a heavy jar with an opening just large enough for the monkey to fit in his hand. Place a banana inside the jar so the monkey can see it. The rest is easy: the monkey puts his hand into the jar—but with the banana in his hand, the monkey cannot pull the hand back out, and the jar is too heavy for him to lift. Yet the monkey refuses to let go of his prize, and thus becomes trapped. The monkey loses everything by trying to hold on to that banana.

Of relevance to our political moment is the monkey’s psychology, which is analogous to that of today’s Democratic party. To escape, all the monkey needs to do is let go of the banana. But because the monkey views the banana as its possession and is emotionally invested in it, the monkey is trapped. Any rational human being sees the foolishness of holding on to something of so little value—after all, there are other bananas. But the monkey acts on instinct. The banana is already his, while the danger of capture is too remote for its brain—even though holding on to the banana will soon have disastrous consequences for its future.

And so it is with Democratic Party. It simply can’t let go of the Russian collusion/obstruction nonsense. Democrats know they are sticking their hand into a jar. They know grasping at the collusion/obstruction canard traps them. They know people are weary of the whole thing. They sense that independents want to move on, Republicans moved on long ago, and even their own party faithful are losing heart. But, like the monkey whose instinct will not permit him to let go, the congressional Democrats’ brains are incapable of responding to their rational observations of reality. The grasping instinct is too strong.

The Democrats used Mueller and his intrepid crew of rabid partisans (and their journo allies) to torment Trump for two years with the collusion hoax. Every mention of Trump’s successes immediately turned them to respond with cries of Russian collusion. At times, it seemed as if in a nation of 330 million people, no other news existed. A visitor from Alpha Centauri would think that inhabitants of the vast continent between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans had no other interests at all. Every newspaper, every TV station, every cable news channel and every radio frequency was all about collusion. I can barely remember a world when collusion was not the only topic of discussion for “journalists” and talking heads.

Sometime around 2016, I gave up on television news, including CNN, altogether. CNN became the— all-collusion-all-the-time network with its moniker “The most trusted name in news” pushing two obvious lies—it has no news, and no one trusts it. A guy selling cheap lawn furniture on the Home Shopping Network is more trusted than CNN (and has a bigger audience, too). So I got rid of CNN in my cable package.

At airports, I would try to position myself furthest from the TV monitors. Except the bastards deliberately hang the damn monitors so that it is almost impossible to avoid them. The seats where they don’t force-feed CNN to you are at a premium. If you are anywhere in an airport, except maybe the restrooms, you keep hearing the CNN talking heads prattling on and on about collusion. You feel harassed, but you can’t escape.

Whatever one thinks of Trump’s policies or his personality, I have to give it to the man—he refuses to break or bend, despite overwhelming odds. For almost four years now, the “press” has been throwing daily buckets of slime at him. Two and a half years now since the election, it’s nothing but Trump hatred from every “news” outlet, day in, day out.

Trump’s honeymoon lasted all of 15 nanoseconds. Every member of his family became the target of vicious attacks (remember the attacks on a then 10-year-old Barron? Remember all the attacks on Melania?). Every typo in a tweet became the subject of merciless scorn. Every misspoken syllable in every off-the-cuff remark would be cause for “journalists” competing with each other to express their contempt. Mueller was not far behind. Everyone Trump ever shook hands with faced potential FBI raids, arrests, depositions, or criminal charges. The sum total of all that prosecutorial activity? A gigantic nothingburger.

A lesser man would have blown his own brains out long ago. Can anyone imagine Jeb(!) surviving this? Can anyone see Kasich still standing? Marco? Rand? Each of them would have been reduced to drooling idiocy by the ferocity of the Left’s never-ending onslaught.

Trump not only survived but managed to achieve a great deal. The Left’s refusal to admit that Trump has achieved anything (remember Obama shamelessly claiming that he was responsible for 3 percent economic growth under Trump?) in no way diminishes Trump’s accomplishments.

It is not just Trump the person who drives the Left batshit crazy. It’s that he succeeds in spite of everything they throw at him. They tell themselves that he is an idiot, a halfwit, a clueless naïf—which makes it all the more enraging to them when he continues to run circles around them.

And this brings us back to the monkey and the obstruction banana. People are tired of the investigations, the preposterous collusion farce (now proven conclusively to be a hoax), the bombshells that never pan out, and the never-ending breathless predictions of Trump’s demise. With that “gold standard” of investigatorsthe Mueller crewadmitting that they couldn’t find one scintilla of collusion anywhere, after searching under every rock and tree, one would think we could all take a deep breath and go for one month without some investigation of Trump.

You would be wrong if you thought that. If you blinked, you probably missed how quickly the narrative pivoted from collusion to obstruction. Psychologically and emotionally, Democrats just can’t let go. Like the monkey, they simply cannot help themselves. If not obstruction, then it’s attempted obstruction. If not attempted obstruction, then it’s intent to obstruct. The Democrats believe that if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth. It didn’t work out so well in 2016. It won’t work any better now, either.

My advice to Trump? (Not that he asked for it.) Do not give the Democrats an inch. Every staffer they want to talk to—refuse to let them appear. Every single one. If a staffer ultimately has to show up—cancel at the last minute and re-schedule three months into the future. Family emergency!

If they manage to get a staffer into a deposition or interview, object to every single question. Force their lawyer to explain every question, down to “state your name for the record.” Force him to establish the foundation for every single thing in every question.

As in: “Did President Trump meet with you on February 10, 2019?”

“Objection! Lack of foundation. Counsel has not established the name of the president on that date!”

When he lays the foundation: “Objection! Counsel did not define what he means by ‘meet’!”

Object, object, object! And then object some more.

Every question is vague, argumentative, calls for a conclusion, assumes facts not in evidence, is improperly phrased, calls for an expert opinion, etc., etc. Then instruct the witness not to answer on any of a dozen grounds. Waste their time until their dental fillings start melting in helpless exasperation. What are they going to do? Complain to a judge? Let them! What’s the judge going to do? Order him to answer? Take it under advisement, and appeal! They want more deposition time? Sure thing. The witness has an opening on his schedule. In 2023.

They get somebody in front of some congressional committee somehow? No problemo! Seat a lawyer right next to him, and object! Every question ever asked by any Democrat is objectionable. Question is unclear. Or ambiguous. Or outside the scope. Or lacking foundation. Or harassing. Or calls for privileged information. Or is poorly phrased. Or vague. Or both vague and poorly phrased. That’s two separate objections right there! Time is precious—and here’s one minute wasted on objections to just one question, and you haven’t even started. Democrats say a hearing is not a deposition? Who cares! Object anyway.

Then ask Nadler, Schiff, Cummins, et. al. to rephrase every question. Then argue about the rephrasing. Then ask them to repeat the question. Then ask them to clarify the scope of the question. Then the witness can ask to clarify. By lunchtime, they’ll finally get the guy to state his name. It’ll make Nadler and company angry? Good! Might it drive them nuts? Even better! Make them piss blood in fury. Let them churn out their subpoenas and contempt citations by the hundreds. D.C. swamp denizens care, but out here, in the real world, nobody gives a damn.

They want documents? Also not a problem! Claim executive privilege over every single piece of paper and every bit, byte, and pixel in the White House. Claim executive privilege over the paper napkins in the White House cafeteria. Claim executive privilege over the toilet paper. Delay. Stall. Run out the clock on the Democrats. Every document they demand—make them fight to the death for it. Ask for extensions. Then ask for more extensions. Make them file lawsuits. If they win, appeal. Then appeal again.

Then produce documents with so many redactions, even the parentheses are redacted. Instead of documents, give them summaries. Useless ones. Make them litigate the same thing again and again. Give them a date certain, and then regretfully inform them that you need time for additional review. If you are forced to produce something—ignore the deadline, then promise to produce soon. Then tell the Democrats the copy machine broke, and the repair guy is on vacation. In Antarctica.

Claim executive privilege over every conversation that ever involved anyone in the White House—even if it took place at Yankees Stadium. These people are not dealing in good faith, so they deserve nothing. Make them feel like they are getting a root canal done—without Novocaine.

Let the Democrats scream in rage like banshees. Let them whine. Let them cry crocodile tears. Let the Washington Post and the New York Times publish scathing editorials. Mr. President, your voters don’t give a crap about the Washington Post. Constitutional crisis? I don’t see no stinkin’ constitutional crisis. I see a bunch of dishonest Democratic whiners with their hands stuck in a jar, who can’t let go of the banana.

Let Adam Schiff shove his head even deeper into his own ass. Let Jerry Nadler join him. Mr. President, trust me: nobody out here gives two craps about these stupid D.C. parlor games. Not a single one of your voters in Wisconsin or Michigan cares about “investigations,” or subpoenas, or citations. They care about their own jobs, paychecks, and 401(k)’s.

The election is 18 months away. If Trump talks about rock-solid economic growth (3.2 percent in the first quarter!), higher wages, lower taxes and record-low unemployment, while the Democrats talk about their banana/investigations/obstruction theories, I see a landslide.

Goodbye, House Democratic Majority.

Goodbye, Bernie/Biden/Kamala/Pocahontas/Pete/Beto/Cory.

Hello, Trump second term.

Photo credit: Getty Images

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About George S. Bardmesser

George S. Bardmesser is an attorney in private practice in the Washington, D.C. area. He is the author of Future Shot and Distance to Target, as well as a contributor to The Federalist and American Greatness. He is sometimes heard on the "Inside Track" radio show on KVOI in Tucson, Arizona, and sometimes seen discussing politics (in Russian) on New York’s American-Russian TV channel RTVi and the Two Cats Video Productions politics podcast.