Is Brian Stelter a Deranged Homicidal Pedophile?

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Probably not. But how can we really know for sure?

After two years of hype by a captivated and deranged media, Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into alleged campaign “collusion” with the Russians was completed and the Justice Department’s initial summary of the report was released over the weekend. And surprise! It was a complete dud.

And now we will have to listen to the corporate leftist media explain why they weren’t really wrong about anything and how they actually did good journalistic work.

CNN’s Stelter noted that while political commentators did repeatedly allege Russian collusion on the “rolling talk show” of cable, the supposedly objective journalists were only asking questions about it.

“There is a giant difference between asking and telling,” Stelter said on Sunday’s edition of CNN’s “Reliable Sources.”

But there are, of course, plenty of questions the corporate big media shills aren’t asking.

For instance: is it possible that Brian Stelter is a homicidal pedophile who has systematically targeted, kidnapped, raped, and killed more than two-dozen children on a private island in the Caribbean?

If there is any chance at all—if there are any moments in Stelter’s life that he cannot perfectly account for—doesn’t the magnitude of damage implied in ignoring such a possibility warrant a $30 million investigation, employing dozens of lawyers and FBI agents, dragging a fine-tooth comb through his life and indicting several of his associates on unrelated crimes to put added pressure on them to testify against him?

Remember, we are just asking questions about a prominent public person who potentially could be a serial child rapist and murderer here. Once again, we’re just asking the questions that the American people need to have answered.

We should ask legal experts and political pundits their opinions of what should happen if any allegations concerning Brian Stelter are true. Perhaps we should interview a homicide detective and have him speculate on the grisly details of how exactly (if the allegations are true) he may have used a chainsaw to dismember the poor children. Next perhaps a psychiatrist should be consulted to suggest what conditions might cause Stelter to have such an allegedly insatiable bloodlust. After all, Stelter himself told us that speculation “helps open our eyes and our minds to what’s possible.”

Of course, we have to “distinguish between what has actually happened and what might happen,” but isn’t it possible that a deep-cover sting operation might—at this very moment—be collecting evidence to implicate Brian Stelter in a worldwide ring of pedophiles who practice occult ceremonies with the blood of children and rabid tabby cats? What charges might Stelter face, if this is the case (which it may or may not be, but it’s just a question, right)?

And if it ends up being true that Brian Stelter exsanguinates children and cute kittens, what are the potential ramifications on his family life? Perhaps we should send an investigative team to go ask his wife about the possibility that her husband takes a sick pleasure in seeing the life drain from a helpless Peruvian boy’s eyes.

Oh, and has Stelter released his tax returns yet? As a public figure who has the awesome responsibility of reporting the news, shouldn’t we know about his conflicts of interest, if any? Isn’t is possible that the pedophile ring is paying him off for his silence? Could it be that he is indoctrinating his viewers for cold hard cash? Shouldn’t he just release his returns so that we can take a look at them and make sure that there’s nothing illegal going on? After all, there is a chance that the IRS missed something . . . right?

And on the off chance that Brian Stelter releases his tax returns, shouldn’t we spend hours poring over every single line and numeral in the document in an effort to find something that might make him look bad? After all, if he uses shady accounting practices on his taxes, that surely raises more questions about whether or not he rapes and kills young children.

Is it possible that a young man may soon step forward, claiming that Brian Stelter raped him and tried to kill him nearly 19 years ago? If this happens, it might give credence to the possibility that Brian may have engaged in homicidal pedophilia when he was just 15 years old. If this happens, could he account for everything that he was doing in the winter of 2000? We would definitely scour his yearbook for anything that could possibly be interpreted in a negative light and might potentially shed light on whether or not Stelter spent his high school years raping and killing young boys. Because we have questions. Many questions.

Why do you keep wanting to talk about whether or not Jeffery Epstein is a serial pedophile? Good grief. He only pleaded guilty to one charge of soliciting prostitution from young girls. It’s all smoke. No fire. Besides, our single anonymous source (because who needs multiple sources anymore?) tells us that Epstein likely didn’t kill anyone.

But let’s get back to talking about Brian Stelter. Hey, I’m just asking questions . . .

Alright. Enough questions. Here’s a statement: Cut the bullshit, Stelter. We all know what you guys were doing. Your credibility is all you have left, and your balance is in deeply negative territory. Without question.

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Photo Credit: Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for CNN

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About Karl Notturno

Karl Notturno is a Mount Vernon Fellow of the Center for American Greatness in addition to being an entrepreneur, musician, and writer. He recently graduated from Yale University with degrees in philosophy and history. He can be found on Twitter @karlnotturno.