Handicapping SOTU CCXXXI

Now that the Big Game is over (Gladys Knight = Most Valuable Patriot), it’s time for the other Big Game, the Washington Swamp Bowl, a.k.a. the State of the Union Address. The Red and Blue teams will be dressed in their uniforms, eager to make vicious hits and score up the middle with the American voter (who will instead be watching Netflix or picking up dry cleaning).

But, hey, a game’s a game, so here are the latest SOTU prop bets and odds courtesy of Big Floyd’s Sports Book and Brothel in Pahrump, Nevada. Wager accordingly.

Number of times both sides of the aisle will applaud at the same time: Over/under 1.5

The line that will get them to do it:

  • “We must invest in our people” 4-1
  • “I believe that fair trade is free trade” 6-1
  • “We are one nation, under God, indivisible” 8-1
  • “We’ve gotta protect our phony baloney jobs, gentlemen! Harrumph, harrumph!” 20-1

Who will be shown on camera the first time President Trump calls for “unity”?

  • Representative John Lewis (D-Ga.): 1-2
  • House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.): Even
  • A snoozing Ruth Bader Ginsburg: 10-1

Will President Trump mention Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam? Yes: 2-1

Will Trump say the following line? “We must be more unified as a nation. Just across the river, the governor thinks it’s funny to dress up in blackface and imitate Michael Jackson. This is wrong. He must take a look at the man in the mirror and beat it.” 100-1

Number of times the president mentions a “bipartisan immigration solution”: Over/under 4.5

Will a “bipartisan immigration solution” be implemented? 1,000-1

Number of undocumented “Dreamers” invited by Democrats: Over/under 6.5

Number of ICE agents waiting on Pennsylvania Avenue for Dreamers to leave the Capitol: Over/under 35

Will CNN’s Don Lemon suggest that the border with Mexico be redrawn to incorporate Guatemala into Texas? 5-1

Will pollster Frank Luntz ask a man in a MAGA hat if he favors building a wall? Yes: 4-1

Will pollster Frank Luntz ask a high school student in a MAGA hat if he hates native Americans? Yes: 12-1

What will Stacey Abrams mention in her SOTU response?

  • Voter suppression: 1-4
  • Systemic racism: 1-2
  • Colin Kaepernick: 3-1
  • The progress she’s made on Nutrisystem: 10-1

Number of protesters dressed in “Handmaid’s Tale” outfits: Over/under 12.5

Number of times Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) will be shown with her mouth open: Over/under 5.5

Length of thigh-high boots worn by U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema (D-Ariz.): Over/under 30 inches

Will a Fox News Channel chyron label Sen. Kyrsten Sinema “Bi-Partisan”? Yes: 5-1

How many Democratic presidential candidates will be interviewed after the speech? Over/under 35

Will a protester pour a cup of hot Starbucks coffee over the head of Howard Schultz? Yes: 20-1

How many times will Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) be called an “evil genius” by cable news anchors? Over/under 13.5

Will McConnell announce that he is appearing in the final season of “Game of Thrones” as “King Tortuga, Executor of Peasants”? 50-1

Number of times “Russians” will be mentioned by cable news anchors: Over/under 20.5

Number of times cable news anchors will criticize President Trump for pulling out of treaties with Russia: Over/under 10.5

Will Roger Stone be called a threat to democracy by an MSNBC host? 1-2

Will Roger Stone show off his new “I am not a crook” tattoo when interviewed by Bret Baier? 20-1

Location of tattoo:

  • Arm: 5-1
  • Back: 10-1
  • Face: 50-1
  • Right butt cheek: Even.

Photo Credit: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

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About John Herr

John K. Herr is a writer who served in the White House under President George H.W. Bush and President George W. Bush. He has written speeches and jokes for numerous governors and cabinet secretaries, including two appointed by President Trump. He lives in Pennsylvania.