Speaking Democrat: A Primer

I was minding my own business while pontificating about the present political clime and prognosticating about future congressional shenanigans on America’s Voice News when, without warning, I found myself stumbling through the past, darkly: specifically, I was subjected to a video clip of one of my own speeches, circa 2008.

Inexplicably, the co-hosts, Amanda Head and Margaret Howell, did not demand my Skype feed be cut off; and, instead, mercifully tolerated the clip. But how did the video magically appear during the segment? Apparently, the producer, Bettina, had found the old speech on YouTube; rather enjoyed it; shared the clip to her friends; and implored me to help spread the word about a decade old speech I’d written in 15 minutes.

Given the video is of rather poor quality, I’m honoring her request by presenting the clip; and, for those who have difficulty following the clip (not least for the reason of that snarky, insufferable bald dude with the ruler), by providing the text.

Herewith, for the sake of future generations and elections in our (still) free republic (and hopefully another guest spot on the show), I present you with “Speaking Democrat: A Primer”.

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Speaking “Local Democrat”


“Democrats are progressive.”

Translation: “Democrats are regressive.”

“CHANGE” = “THE 1970s”

“Democrats will bring you change.”

Translation: “Democrats will bring you the 1970s.”


“Democrats support proactive government.”

Translation: “Democrats support proactive socialism.”


“Democrats will enhance revenues.”

Translation: “Democrats will raise taxes.”


“Democrats will only tax the rich.”

Translation: “Democrats will only tax you.”


“Democrats will invest your money.”

Translation: “Democrats will waste your money.”


“Democrats have an energy policy.”

Translation: “Democrats have a lethargy policy.”


“Democrats will replace your blue collar jobs with green collar jobs.”

Translation: “Democrats will replace your blue collar jobs with unemployment.”

Speaking “Global Democrat”

“Democrats will protect America from Iranian nukes through tough, principled diplomacy.”

Translation: “Democrats will protect America from Iranian nukes through tough, principled magic.”


“Democrats will engage America’s enemies.”

Translation: “Democrats will appease America’s enemies.”

“END” = “LOSE”

“Democrats will end the Iraq War.”

Translation: “Democrats will lose the Iraq War.”

Contextually Construing “Electoral Democrat” (i.e., Walking the Party Plank)
“As a progressive party, Democrats will bring you change by using government to enhance revenues from the rich to invest in the production of energy and green collar jobs; and by using diplomacy to engage America’s enemies and end the Iraq War.”

Translation: “As a regressive party, Democrats will bring you the 1970s by using socialism to raise taxes from you to waste in the production of lethargy and unemployment; and by using magic to appease America’s enemies and lose the Iraq War.”

– Fin –

Over the ensuing decade since my speech, the Democrats’ vocabulary hasn’t changed, only expanded. Perhaps it might be time for “Speaking Democrat 2.0,” with examples such as:


“Democrats vow to stop climate change.”

Translation: “Democrats vow to stop the weather.”


Because, now 10 years after, in 2018 the Democrats’ deceptive rhetoric has been rewarded with a House majority.

The translation of my response to that is unprintable.

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Photo Credit: George Orwell’s 1984

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