Dear Suburban Mom

Hey girlfriend, what’s up? Love the new Moncler vest… aubergine is the hot color this fall. How’s Olivia doing with those college applications? And good luck on Jacob’s big lacrosse tourney this weekend!

Listen, we need to talk. I know you’re not really into politics. Even though a lot of us voted for Donald Trump in 2016, you did not: Since Election Day, you’ve bragged about how edgy it was to vote for Evan McMullin. But you also thought it was edgy when you got your hair cut like Kate Gosselin in 2006.

We all make mistakes.

So there’s a super important election on Tuesday and the media is convinced that we suburban moms will vote Democrats back into power. And looking at some of the polls, I’m afraid they might be right. Democrats only need to flip 23 Republican House seats, and lots of them are located in the suburbs. Just 23 more seats until we get Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Again.

Now, maybe that doesn’t scare you. Maybe you think it will be totally trendy to run those Trump-loving Republicans out of office and show them who’s boss. Maybe Alyssa and Oprah and the gals on “The View” have convinced you that voting for a Democrat is the only way to keep your Cool Chick Card.

But hear me out. I know you hate taking advice from someone who doesn’t buy soy milk and organic bison meat, but if you would have listened to me about the Rumchata shots at the club’s summer party, you wouldn’t have jumped into the water hazard on the 18th hole.

Caution, my friend.

Because despite what Democrats are telling you now, just remember one thing: They hate you.

I know this sounds shocking. “But what about the pussy hats and the #MeToo warriors and the ‘Nevertheless, She Persisted!’ stand against the patriarchy?” you ask.

LOL! You don’t really think they’re defending you, do you? The college-educated woman who quit working to raise her family? The mom who organized every school party and chaperoned every field trip and drove to every practice, music lesson, and game for years? The same mom who now stays up until the wee hours editing college essays and scheduling campus visits?

The wife who dutifully attends every business dinner and matches her husband’s socks and lets him go on the guys’ golf trip to Naples every winter? The woman who goes to Catholic mass each Sunday and makes homemade soup for the neighbor when she is sick or after her mom passes away?

Sorry, girl. They’ve got nothing for you. You are the woman they mock and whisper about behind your back. Think about it—when was the last time you heard a Democrat say, “Here’s a shout-out to all the snack moms in Naperville, Illinois!”

Some Democratic politicians, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, think you don’t actually exist.

And I have even worse news. Not only do they hate you, they hate your husband and your son even more. According to the Left, white men are the enemy. A CNN host just warned that “the biggest terrorist threat in the country is white men, and we have to start doing something about that.” Democrats have all but abandoned white men as a voting bloc, instead demonizing them as racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, white supremacist, rapists-in-waiting.

And that kind of name-calling isn’t just limited to the op-ed pages of the New York Times or the ravings of the MSNBC set. The Left now is stalking those to the right of them, making up accusations, screaming at them in public, chasing them out of restaurants. One lunatic shot up a baseball field full of white Republican congressmen last year.

It’s getting real.

I know you were angry at what happened to Judge Brett Kavanaugh and his family. If that can happen to Kavanaugh—someone with all the right friends, the right pedigree, the right political circle—yes, it can happen to any man on a smaller scale. So you’re right to worry about what could happen when Jacob goes off to college in a few years, that he could be branded as a sexual predator for trying to get to second base with an Alpha Phi after a tailgate bash.

Look, I get it. You don’t like Trump. You don’t like his tweets (even though you’re not on Twitter), you hate that he’s cocky and aggressive and mean to his enemies. The pundits think Trump’s behavior offends the delicate sensibilities of the typical suburban mom.

But maybe that’s because they’ve never seen you in action, like that time the swim coach cut Olivia from the relay team or when the AP economics teacher wouldn’t give Jacob an A to keep him on the high honor roll. The way you chewed out the principal would’ve made Trump give you his signature thumbs-up.

Have these city-slicker pundits never seen suburban moms at the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale? Just hear what comes out of our Buxom-glossed mouths when Whole Foods is out of fresh burrata!

Puhleeze. We can handle a little “Sleepy Eyes Chuck” and “Pocahontas” teasing, can’t we?

Oh, by the way, I love your new upgraded Range Rover. Economy is booming, right? Lots of jobs everywhere and stock market has been on a roll this year. All of that could come to a halt if Democrats take the House.

And here’s something to think about. Even if you want to elect a Democrat because you don’t like Trump, Trump will still be the president on Wednesday morning. Your grudge vote will do nothing to tame him or rein him in or punish him. It could end up backfiring on you and your family.

So I won’t tell you what to do, just offering some GMO-free food for thought.

See you at Bunco!

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