Assault on Aisle Three!

Big news. You might have heard about this. It was all over the TV. A woman went public with a claim that a young man sexually assaulted her.

No, this isn’t about Christine Blasey Ford and her dubious claims against Brett Kavanaugh. And this incident didn’t happen a long time ago in a house far, far away. It just happened.

In a Brooklyn Deli.

Don’t wait for the punchline. This isn’t a joke. This is serious. Sexual assault is not funny. Even if it occurs amidst the pastrami and the potato salad. And, of course, we know all sexual assault allegations must be believed. Because women don’t lie. Well, maybe they fudge on their weight a little bit, but that’s entirely excusable.

So when Teresa Klein took out on her cell phone and called 911, everyone in the deli was aghast. Not because she had ordered a corned beef sandwich on white bread, but because they heard her tell the police she was a victim of sexual assault.

But where? When? Who?

Christine Ford couldn’t answer these simple questions, but Klein could. She claimed It happened right there and then, in the store, with everyone milling about.

“I was standing at the counter, and I was sexually assaulted,” said Klein.

Like Ford, she had no difficulty identifying the perpetrator. And like Ford, her accusation was both disturbing and implausible.

“I was sexually assaulted by a child,“ Klein told the police on the 911 call.

Yes, that’s what she said. A 9-year-old boy, shopping in the store with his mother and sister, was the perp.

But how could something like this go unnoticed by all the patrons packed into this little shop of sausages? Even a drunk teenager couldn’t have pulled it off. But here was Klein sticking to her story, and loudly hurling accusations at this cute little boy―the kind of boy that Barack Obama would be proud to have as a son.

So what exactly did he do? He’s nine-years-old. What could he do?

Klein didn’t hesitate to give the police the gory details. “The son grabbed my ass!”

OK. This charge might not even rise to the Christine Ford level of “he tried to disrobe me,” but it’s not insignificant.

If it actually happened. But it didn’t happen. Nothing happened.

Unlike Kavanaugh, who could never produce a video of him not fumbling around with Ford years ago, this boy was ready for his close up.

Turns out, the deli’s surveillance video captured the moment. And you don’t need a 4K UHD LED LCD TV to vividly see what actually occurred.

Klein was indeed standing at the counter when the boy, and his mother and sister, walked through the store. And it’s conclusive: The boy didn’t touch her. No one touched her.

The video does show Klein abruptly turning her head in their direction, as they passed her by. Could it be that something may have brushed up against her posterior?

Now we know. The backpack did it. That’s bad news―for the backpack.

We’re already hearing of a backlash against backpacks. Don’t be surprised to see wild demonstrations, demanding backpack control, or even an outright ban on all backpacks. It won’t be long before marauding Antipack thugs wreak havoc in the streets.

But it’s important to focus on the real issue. We need to remember all that we’ve learned about Clinton, Kennedy, Leahy, Franken, Conyers, Lauer, Rose, Weinstein, Booker, Ellison et al.

Backpacks don’t assault women. Democrats do.

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About Steve Lipman

Steve Lipman is a writer in Los Angeles whose irreverent approach to the serious issues of the day goes where angels fear to tread.