Help Wanted: New York Times National Security Reporter

America’s renowned “newspaper of record” seeks ambitious young journalist to work as national security reporter. (Previous reporter has been reassigned.) Candidate should have no more than four years experience working in journalism: A history of job-hopping between the nation’s top news outlets is preferred.

Qualifications include sleeping with high-level government employees for scoops and accessing unlawfully-leaked classified information. Examples of work product—particularly articles that smear Trump campaign associates and/or boost the Trump-Russia election collusion narrative, will be favorably considered and should be attached to thin résumé. Additionally, we totally will believe any candidate who insists high-level lover is not the anonymous “senior intelligence officer” cited in any articles.

Letters of recommendation by former editors confirming that the candidate’s sex-for-scoops method of investigative reporting led to an increase in page views are required. Candidates who admit he/she has been questioned by the FBI in the Justice Department’s ongoing probe of illegal leaks to the media will not be disqualified.

Benefits include a paid, three-week vacation after only six months’ employment to regroup after ex-lover’s arrest by federal officials. Unethical conduct that violates our professional policies will not result in termination, rather, any employee who disregards basic journalistic standards and humiliates our news organization will be relocated to another city and receive a “fresh start” and because the Times is all about being a “humane place that can allow for second chances when there are mitigating circumstances.”

(Please note that this compassion and humanity does not apply to any targets of our reporting, particularly if that monster has anything to do with Donald Trump.)

To apply, please contact Dean Baquet, executive editor, New York Times. Or we can just meet for drinks and dinner.

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