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2016 Election

Exclusive! McCabe’s ‘Secret Memos’ Revealed!


- March 21st, 2018
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Attorney General Jeff Sessions canned FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe for doing things much worse than anything Robert Mueller and his pack of Democrats accuse former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn of doing. But that didn’t spare liberals everywhere from feeling shocked and outraged that one of their own should be held (in a tiny way) responsible for his crimes.

Emergency rooms across the land have filled with people seeking whiplash treatment. Last week, the FBI was a paragon of integrity that only Putin-licking traitors would question. Today, the FBI is a Trump-loving den of red-hatted MAGAmen because the Bureau’s own ethics people recommended McCabe’s sacking. Quite a 180!

But there was something that cheered up the faithful. Some liberal—gee, wonder who?—leaked word that McCabe kept personal notes about his time at the FBI, and that these were now in Mueller’s hands. Boy, oh boy! This time Trump is going down for sure!

The following are not excerpts of McCabe’s notes, but they totally could be.

* * *

“Well, I am starting this memorandum because I need to make a record in case Donald Trump fires Jim Comey, and Robert Mueller gets named special counsel, and then I get fired. So, I’m keeping these notes starting today, March 21, 2018. I mean March 21, 2017. Yeah, 2017.”

* * *

“So, I wore that blue tie with the silver stripes Jim once said he liked, but this morning he didn’t say ANYTHING. And I know he saw it. Did I do something to make him mad at me? I HATE THIS!”

* * *

“We had a briefing today and I could hardly stand it. Bank robbers. Drug dealers. Terrorists. BORING! I brought up the important stuff, like how the New York Times was reporting that Trump’s people once had a dinner where they served borscht. Who’s following up on that? TREASON!”

* * *

“I can’t tell you how disgusted I am with the Republican Party for embracing Trump, Thankfully, there are still powerful and respected conservative voices out there supporting #TheResistance and advocating total, abject submission to the establishment, like Bill Kristol and Matthew Dowd!”

* * *

“This morning, I briefed the Director on my plan for ‘The James Comey Lecture Series on Integrity and Dedication.’ He said he LOVED IT! I was walking on air! Then he repeated a quote by Abe Lincoln and, wow, Jim is just AMAZING!”

* * *

“Had a big meeting today with Peter Strozk and Lisa Page about the Flynn investigation. They spent the whole time texting each other across the table and giggling.”

* * *

“Today was my first meeting with Trump—I still can’t call him ‘President Trump.’ I went into the Oval Office with Jim and sat down, and when I introduced myself, he said, ‘You know, you look like that guy from TV. Who is that guy, Reince?” And Priebus said, ‘Bill Pullman?’ and Trump said, ‘No, that other guy,’ and Preibus said, ‘Ed Begley, Jr.?’ And Trump said, ‘Yeah, Ed Begley, Jr.’ Then he called me ‘Ed’ the whole time. Jerk.”

* * *

“Jim asked me today about the hundreds of thousands of dollars Terry McAuliffe gave to my Democrat wife’s campaign while I was helping to investigate Terry’s friend Hillary Clinton, who is handling this whole not-winning thing with the remarkable grace and dignity we expect of the greatest woman in the history of mankind. I mean womynkind. Anyway, I got a little sensitive and said that it was totally normal for the wife of a high official in a federal law enforcement agency investigating a politician to get hundreds of thousands of dollars from one of the politician’s close pals. Jim said, ‘Don’t worry, Andy. I decided you were in the clear months ago, before I even talked to you about it.”

* * *

“I can’t believe that Trump fired Director Comey! Jim was out of the office, so I had to pack up all the pictures of himself, his many, many plaques and awards for integrity, and all the classified memorandums he plans to send to the media.”

* * *

“Sheesh, someone tell Strozk and Page to get a room.”

* * *

“I thought Jim had to be down in the dumps, so I texted him ‘How u doin (smiley face emoticon).’ NOTHING. It’s been AN HOUR!?!?! Is he mad at me?”

* * *

“I was at another meeting with Trump today and he started doing impressions of Jeff Flake. Everyone laughed, but I totally only pretended to laugh. Senator Flake is a national treasure.”

* * *

“Just got the memo from my pals at the Times about how I need to stop leaking about ‘collusion’ and start leaking about ‘obstruction.’ Noted!”

* * *

“The Peter Strozk-Lisa Page thing just broke in the news, and now he’s texting me to see if he can crash on my couch for a while. Thinking of texting back, ‘New phone who dis?’”

* * *

“Somehow that ‘Man In Motion’ song from St. Elmo’s Fire got stuck in my head. No one rocks like Richard Marx!”

* * *

“I had another meeting with the president and Director Wray, who seems like a guy who knows how to play ball but who’ll never rock the integrity like Jim. Trump looked at me and said, ‘Do I know you?’ That’s obstruction, right?”

* * *

“I was in the car coming back with director Wray and whistling ‘Man In Motion,’ and director Wray says, “Oh, I love John Parr.” That was close, but I kept my cool and just nodded. Nobody plays the game like Andy McCabe!”

* * *

“This stupid Las Vegas thing is really getting in the way of the important stuff, such as the upcoming indictments of the Russian companies behind Twitter accounts like ‘@MichiganMAGAManiac’ and ‘@Hillary4Leavenworth2016.”

* * *

“Supposedly I’m under investigation for leaking and lying. Like those things are wrong when someone like me does them!”

* * *

“This whole Florida school incident is a bum rap of the FBI. Like we’re supposed to know how to locate every guy who posts YouTube comments about shooting up a school? We need to focus on the real criminals, like the millions of NRA members and gun owners who had nothing to do with it! Anyway, if we followed up on every report like that we’d never have time to track down 41-follower Twitter trolls who did not support Hillary.”

* * *

“I can’t believe I got fired for lying! Me! A senior FBI official! It’s actually come to this, that someone like me gets treated like one of the Normals. Mueller has got to put a stop to the insanity before all of us have to obey same laws as everybody else.”

* * *

“I saw Jim in the produce section at the Trader Joe’s today. He was wearing sweatpants and comparing zucchinis. He asked how I was doing, and I told him that I thought Stranger Things season two was really weak. He said he’s currently binge-watching season four of Matlock. I asked him about his book and told him I was thinking of writing my own. He liked the title ‘Justice Obstructed’ better than ‘Obstructed Justice.’ We agreed to get together for dinner once our lawyers say it’s OK for us to be seen together again.”

Photo credit: iStock/Getty Images

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