B.S. News: Mueller Investigation Leaves No Stone Unturned

Leaving no stone unturned in digging into President Trump’s reported collusion with Russia to steal the 2016 election, sources familiar with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team’s published leaks posit the investigation has undertaken a groundbreaking development: the exhumation of former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev.

Disinterring Khrushchev from his marbled tomb in Novodevichy Cemetery, Moscow, could inflame Trump enablers’ already desperate claims that Mueller’s investigation is far afield from its original mandate.

But Russia-gate analysts are unmoved.

“There’s a reason it’s called a ‘counterintelligence’ investigation,” asserted Rolf Diggs, a teaching assistant specializing in Soviet-era animal husbandry. “Sure, Americans remember Khrushchev’s 1959 visit to the U.S., because he created the game Corn Hole to dissipate America’s youth. Fortunately, in their scrupulously objective effort to nail Trump, Mueller’s team realizes Khrushchev’s trip inspired a far more subversive and sinister plot.”

Precisely when Khrushchev’s sinister plot was conceived may never be known, but Diggs postulates it was after the USSR’s premier and his entourage were barred from visiting Disneyland. “Like any vacationing dad with a disappointed family, Khrushchev realized getting Americans cornholing would take too long to destroy the country. He needed a bolder stroke.”

That bolder stroke was the election of Donald Trump, per Rosie Graves. From her Jersey City apartment, the retired social worker and frequent commentator on “The Americans” Facebook fan page connected the dots.

“In 1959, Khrushchev visited New York. Who else was in New York? Fred Trump, that’s who. And, if you follow people in the know like Louise Mensch on Twitter, you’ll know Fred was a KGB sleeper agent. So Nikita activates Fred and tells him to put his kid Don in military school to start getting him ready to wreck America from within.”

Chardonnay and facts in hand, Graves leaned back on her futon to let the ramifications of her analysis sink in. “That 1959 trip wasn’t just about bean bags and cornholing. He could see corn anywhere in backwards ass flyover America. Khrushchev went to Iowa—the state that starts the process of electing a President.”

Graves was nothing if not thorough, as records reveal Khrushchev was in New York City from September 17-19 and reconnoitered in Iowa on September 22-23, 1959. It was a fateful trip for both Khrushchev and America, as it may well have hastened the downfall of both.

“The KGB called it Operation Turn the Page. The name, alone, gives them away,” Graves explained, clearly referencing the Russia-gate role of super spy Carter Page. “After staring into the nuclear abyss during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Trump plot was considered too dangerous by the other Politburo Members, so they dumped Khrushchev. Brezhnev had Andropov order Fred Trump to stand down and put Donny in the family business, where he could more sneakily screw America by exploiting poor people and ruining the USFL.”

“Then, right before the so-called collapse of the Soviet Union, a certain KGB Lieutenant Colonel stumbled upon Operation Turn the Page in their archives and stole them for safe keeping . . . and future use,” she added. “You know who that KGB Lieutenant Colonel was? Putin, that’s who. Why do you think Trump called that fine TV journalist [Chuck Todd] ‘a sleepy-eyed son of a bitch’? It was another signal to Putin that Trump was no longer a sleeper agent. He was wide awake and undermining America—at least until Mueller locks him up!”

To buttress her research, Graves produced a cassette tape of Khrushchev banging his shoe at the United Nations in 1960. “Remember, the Russians use the Cyrillic alphabet, so you have to listen to the tape backwards. See? You can clearly hear Khrushchev tapping out in Morse code the word ‘Trump.’”

When asked for a copy of the tape, Graves understandably demurred, as she thinks her tape may be a key piece of the classified “significant evidence” of Trump-Russia collusion continually referenced by Rep. Adam Schiff (D-Calif.). As a result, she hopes to offer her tape as an exclusive to the “Rachel Maddow Show.”

While Muller’s investigative spadework remains a bone of contention amongst the dwindling handful of irrational Trump supporters, Diggs has no doubt.

“If Trump thought Khrushchev took their secret to his grave, they’re both in for a rude awakening. I imagine Mueller telling Khrushchev’s corpse, ‘You said “we will bury you.” Well, we’re going to unbury you, and unearth the truth about Trump,’” he said.  

© B.S. News 2018

Photo credit: Hank Walker/The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images

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8 responses to “B.S. News: Mueller Investigation Leaves No Stone Unturned”

  1. Egads, I knew Boris (Muller) and Natasha (Graves) where behind this all the time, Rocky!

  2. This is FANTASTIC!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! BRAVO!!!!

  3. “There’s a reason it’s called a ‘counterintelligence’ investigation,”
    — because it is counter to all things intelligent!
    Love it!

  4. Just wait. Mueller will soon break the news that Trump has shown a suspicious predilection for Russian salad dressing after doing a geography report in third grade on Leningrad! Damning evidence indeed!!!!

  5. Its ok. If trump is innocent then he has nothing to worry about. But,with his buddies like manafort and flynn pleading guilty and LYING,he may be in trouble. Worse than Clinton super worse than Nixon!!