It was a tale of cosmic coincidence almost too fateful and fantastic for belief. Yet, enough of the plainspoken man’s story echoed much of the credible scuttlebutt I’d dredged up from other former Deep State actors’ cosmeticians, all of whom were present prior to said Intelligence and National Security professionals’ TV appearances.
Cloaking my eagerness, I hastily arranged a meeting at an undisclosed location to meet with the man—known only as “Bob the Barber”—who would recount his intriguing claim of having coiffed former CIA Director John Brennan. The following hair-raising interview could shatter the public’s esteem for America’s top secret, cloak and dagger do-gooders.
B.S. News: When he walked into your barber shop, did you know it was John Brennan?
Bob the Barber: Not at first, but you could tell he was a man of wealth and taste. But he sat down like everybody else, except he didn’t pick up a copy of People to read. He was looking through some manila envelope—
B.S. News: A dossier?
Bob the Barber: OK, a dossier. Anyway, he’s readin’ it and laughing to himself about “golden showers”, and I’m thinkin’ it’s a weather report. So I glanced up at the TV to see if he was that new Meteorologist the local station had been pluggin’.
B.S. News: But he wasn’t.
Bob the Barber: “Nope. As usual, the college punk who comes in to have me untangle his man bun changed the station to MSNBC and there was the guy with the…uh, dossier—“John Brennan” was the name under his picture—and he’s on the boob tube reamin’ out Trump. I’m guessin’ it was taped or somethin’. Whatever. The bald dude sittin’ in my shop looked a lot like the bald dude bitchin’ on TV . . . . [Shrugs.]
B.S. News: You didn’t vote for Trump?
Bob the Barber: No. It was all hands on deck at the junior high for an outbreak of head lice.
B.S. News: Back to Brennan. So once you surmised it was him, the former CIA director, you—
Bob the Barber: I shut the f— up. I didn’t want no one-way ticket to Gitmo. So I casually waved him up into my chair and he says, “Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.” I damn near pissed myself.
B.S. News: Did he glean your apprehension?
Bob the Barber: You mean when the cops took me in for bikini waxin’ without a license? You weren’t supposed to ask me about that bull—
B.S. News: I meant, did Brennan know you were nervous?
Bob the Barber: Spy guys ain’t know for shootin’ the breeze, genius. But I did hear him mutter something like, “what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game.”
B.S. News: Still, your curiosity compelled you to engage him.
Bob the Barber: Well . . . Okay, after I set my electric razor to zero and started in on his trim, I did ask him a few things on the sly.
B.S. News: Such as?
Bob the Barber: Playin’ off that lib TV show, real casual like I asked him if he knew what was goin’ on with all that Trump colludin’ with Putin stuff. Real nonchalant, he grins and says, “I stuck around St. Petersburg when I saw it was a time for a change.” So I press him, and ask does that means he thinks Trump is guilty of treason or somethin’. Now he smiles, “Just as every cop is a criminal, and all the sinners saints.” I took that as a definite “maybe.”
B.S. News: Anything else you learned from your likely encounter with Mr. Brennan?
Bob the Barber: There was one thing when I was pluckin’ out his ear hairs, he kind of misted up and sighed, “I shouted out ‘who killed the Kennedys’, when after all it was you and me.” I don’t know what the hell that meant, but I brushed him off and cashed him out ASAP. Last thing I need with my court case comin’ up is them addin’ a murder rap.
B.S. News: Did he leave you with any parting, penetrating insights into America’s intelligence community?
Bob the Barber: I told him to stop in again, not that I meant it. He says, “If you meet me have some courtesy, have some sympathy and some taste. Use all you well-learned politesse or I’ll—” Then that lib kid with the manbun ran out the door without tippin’ and bumped Brennan out into the street. My best guess is that, if I didn’t do what he wanted, Brennan was threatenin’ to go down the street next time to that new Fancy Nancy’s Hair Salon. Gotta admit, I wouldn’t mind if he did. I’ll even front him the $20 Fancy Nancy’s will charge him for a buzz cut. That Brennan guy and his double secret agent pals scare the hell out of me.
B.S. News: Anything else you’d like to add, Bob?
Bob the Barber: For the record, I just want to say Mr. Brennan is America’s Savior and a big tipper.
B.S. News: Thank you, Bob. Your courage to go public with this explosive information is truly inspiring.
Bob the Barber: It was the least I could do, so I did it. You’re still hidin’ my identity, right?
B.S. News: Sure.
Editor’s note: Upon publication of this B.S. News bombshell exclusive interview that rips the lid off the Deep State, “Bob the Barber” (real name, Nils Hedlund) of Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, was killed in a bikini waxing gone awry. B.S. News sends its thoughts and prayers to the four mothers of his three children.
© 2018 B.S. News
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