Telling Whoppers (Bigly)

In a rather odd and likely counterproductive foray into corporate partisanship, the venerable American fast food chain “Burger King” has created a video for social media, purporting to demonstrate the importance of the misnamed “Net Neutrality” regulations. In the video, customers ordering “Whoppers” are told that they must pay exorbitant fees for speedy “Whopper” delivery, because the heartless corporate overlords of BK have decided (for business reasons, apparently) to “slow down” delivery of Whoppers to encourage consumption of other products.

Never mind that the video makes clear that the business effect of such a decision would be irate customers; nor that presumably it was the heartless overlords of the real-life corporation who made the decision to create and circulate this “socially responsible” piece of net propaganda. Government doesn’t mandate or regulate the menu choices or delivery speed of fast-food restaurants; they’re market driven.

Perhaps Burger King believes it can harness market forces by jumping in to…the aftermath of last week’s skirmish over regulation of the Internet. And perhaps their decision to do so, really will help curry favor—at least with that demographic too old for cardboard crowns, but not yet mature enough to discount alarming Democratic fairy tales.  Those whose memories last no longer than it takes your fries to get cold, will perhaps have forgotten how alarmed BK was (or pretended to be) over “Net Neutrality’s” repeal…in a year, when it’s become clear that clearing away those regulations didn’t actually inconvenience, much less wreak terrible injustice upon . . .  well, anyone at all.

At the Burger King I remember from my childhood, the slogan was “Have It Your Way.” It was a slogan right in line with American sensibilities, and the good old capitalist saying that “the customer is always right.”  Might be wise for BK to remember that the customer is sometimes ON the Right…while the declining chain has any customers LEFT.

Telling Whoppers (*to the tune of “Have it Your Way”)

Gimme just beef, no baloney—
Kindly hold the sanctimony—
Posturing on issues phony—
That’s not okay!
(That’s not okay, that’s not okay! That’s not okay, Burger King!)

Your “Proud Whopper,” in all candor,
Was the lamest-ever pander—
But now you’ve done one even grander—
That’s not okay!
(That’s not okay, that’s not okay! It’s not okay, Burger King!)

What with all of your complaining,
Condescending Burgersplaining,
I’ve no appetite remaining—
That’s not okay!
(That’s not okay, that’s not okay! It’s not okay, Burger King!)

Kurger Bing, tell your bosses,
That until your saccharine-sauce is
Replaced with something less nauseous…
I’m at Chick-Fil-A.
(At Chick-Fil-A, at Chick-Fil-A! Have a nice day—Burger King!)

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