#Pissgate: A Primer

By | 2017-06-02T18:30:05+00:00 January 11, 2017|
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#Pissgate: A Primer

CIA: Yo just so you guys know, someone who’s been credible in the past put together this document saying Russia might have blackmail material on president-elect Trump. We’re looking into it. Will let you know when we know more.

 

 

 

Obama: k

Trump: k

Congressional leaders: k

Leaker: EYO CNN YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST LEARNED.

CNN: So Russia might have blackmail material on president-elect Trump, and also this weird memo that’s been going to all our spam folders might be true, but we won’t publish any allegations from it because we have no idea which ones are even possibly true and it might all be completely unfounded. The short version is OMG YOU SHOULD PANIC BECAUSE RUSSIA HAS BLACKMAIL MATERIAL ON TRUMP.

Buzzfeed: You won’t publish the memo in your spam folders because of journalistic ethics? You are like a little baby. Watch this: OMG PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP MIGHT BE INTO GOLDEN SHOWERS AND TALKING TO THE RUSSKIES BASED ON A DOCUMENT THAT WE CAN’T PROVE AND IS PROBABLY UNFOUNDED BUT WE’LL GET CLICKS SO #YOLO.

Anti-Trump Republicans: OMG WE TOLD YOU HE WAS A PERVERTED RUSSIAN SPY YOU SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR RUBIO YOU COWARDLY UNPATRIOTIC FOOLS.

Democrats: OMG WE TOLD YOU HE WAS A PERVERTED RUSSIAN SPY YOU SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR HILLARY YOU DEPLORABLE RACIST FOOLS.

Trump’s lawyer: Um, excuse me? This report says I met with the Russians in Prague. I’ve never actually been to Prague and I was taking my kid to check out USC during that time.

Anti-Trump Republicans/Democrats: PSH WHATEVER HE’S PROBABLY LYI–

AtlanticCan confirm. USC Baseball Coach says story is legit.

4chan: LOL THIS WHOLE THING WAS A PRANK!!!

Trump: Hey journalists, you know when I talked about opening up libel laws? About that…

Journalists: (Unprintable stream of profanity-laden lamentation about the death of the press thanks to Buzzfeed)

Buzzfeed: WE REGRET NOTHING BECAUSE CLICKS.

“To each sex bomb according to his abilities.”

Twitter: *Explodes*

Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton: Wait, someone mentioned golden showers?

Vladimir Putin: “To each sex bomb according to his abilities.

About the Author:

Mytheos Holt
Mytheos Holt is a senior fellow at the Institute for Liberty. He has held positions at the R Street Institute, Mair Strategies, TheBlaze, and National Review. He also worked as a speechwriter for U.S. Sen. John Barrasso, and reviews video games at Gamesided. He hails originally from Big Sur, California, but currently lives in Arlington, Virginia. Yes, Mytheos is his real name.
  • AEJ

    Very good, Mytheos. That’s just about how it goes.

  • Monsieur Voltaire✓ᴰᵉᵖˡᵒʳᵃᵇˡᵉ

    Golden shower from a Russian model. Sex with Michelle Obama. Sorry to be crude, but who’s the perv here?

  • ElaineDr

    /pol/ trolled the world. Amazing.

  • Michael Schwenk

    OK, better than nothing. But this CIA leaking is the first crisis of a Trump Presidency that hasn’t even started yet. The Deep State has effectively told us they do not accept the results of the election, because the sheeple are too stupid to figure out who’s a crook. Perhaps we could get something a little more analytical on this, such as something by the great Angelo Codevilla?

    • Brian B

      1. The CIA came out of this one smelling like, well, not a rose.
      2. I suspect the Deep State is going to find with this guy that rather recoiling in fear, if they continue the power plays they’re going to find their state getting considerably shallower as they chase their rolling heads down the beltway.

    • Captain Mann

      McCain leaked it.

  • Sean✓ᴰᵉᵖˡᵒʳᵃᵇˡᵉ

    Grant for the sake of argument that President Trump was into golden showers.

    In a world where gay marriage is orthodoxy, trannies are being shoved down our throats (so to speak), and the left is working diligently to normalize swinging and polyamory, is there really anything wrong with a president who likes having prostitutes piss on him? By the Left’s own standards, this is a non-story.

    • jack dobson

      Except for their partisan hackery, the left-wing would be treating golden shower’ers as an oppressed minority under normal circumstances.

  • jack dobson

    It is hilarious but/for our intelligence agencies locking arms with the Democrats to engineer a domestic coup d’état. There is a name for that crime, and a specific penalty prescribed for it. If Trump’s DOJ wants to go the rope route it would be hard to object.

  • Sean Fielding

    Now add that cuck McCain was the leaker.

  • Peter S Rieth

    Republicans like Senator Rubio should be ashamed of themselves. The fact that there is a Republican controlled Congress means nothing when the party seems to be against President Trump. The President needs to find out who his allies in Congress are and map out his enemies from both parties – and there are many Republicans in that enemy camp.

    Why doesn’t the party come down hard on those who couldn’t win the primary, did everything possible to derail the successful GOP candidate and now – instead of defending him – help the press and a rogue CIA smear him and his cabinet appointments?

    Donald Trump may have won the Presidency – but a major realignment is in order: and several Democrats and Republicans may be better off in one party while those who are for Trump should be in another.

    • jack dobson

      Rubio and his CIA handlers for all intents and purposes are paid shills for the Saudis.. He doesn’t understand the concept of shame. He needs to be sacked as committee chairman at the very least.

  • Cyrill Krasilnikov

    Reads like a script for a good SNL skit.

  • Rick

    Appears that our special friends the Brits may have been just as involved in trying to influence the election as the Russians.

  • I guess saying a story was “leaked” will never be quite the same….

  • Billy Mulder

    Oh man. My sides hurt. Mytheos, I think we’re going to need more of these.