#Pissgate: A Primer
CIA: Yo just so you guys know, someone who’s been credible in the past put together this document saying Russia might have blackmail material on president-elect Trump. We’re looking into it. Will let you know when we know more.
Obama: k
Trump: k
Congressional leaders: k
Leaker: EYO CNN YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST LEARNED.
CNN: So Russia might have blackmail material on president-elect Trump, and also this weird memo that’s been going to all our spam folders might be true, but we won’t publish any allegations from it because we have no idea which ones are even possibly true and it might all be completely unfounded. The short version is OMG YOU SHOULD PANIC BECAUSE RUSSIA HAS BLACKMAIL MATERIAL ON TRUMP.
Buzzfeed: You won’t publish the memo in your spam folders because of journalistic ethics? You are like a little baby. Watch this: OMG PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP MIGHT BE INTO GOLDEN SHOWERS AND TALKING TO THE RUSSKIES BASED ON A DOCUMENT THAT WE CAN’T PROVE AND IS PROBABLY UNFOUNDED BUT WE’LL GET CLICKS SO #YOLO.
Anti-Trump Republicans: OMG WE TOLD YOU HE WAS A PERVERTED RUSSIAN SPY YOU SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR RUBIO YOU COWARDLY UNPATRIOTIC FOOLS.
Democrats: OMG WE TOLD YOU HE WAS A PERVERTED RUSSIAN SPY YOU SHOULD HAVE VOTED FOR HILLARY YOU DEPLORABLE RACIST FOOLS.
Trump’s lawyer: Um, excuse me? This report says I met with the Russians in Prague. I’ve never actually been to Prague and I was taking my kid to check out USC during that time.
Anti-Trump Republicans/Democrats: PSH WHATEVER HE’S PROBABLY LYI–
Atlantic: Can confirm. USC Baseball Coach says story is legit.
4chan: LOL THIS WHOLE THING WAS A PRANK!!!
Trump: Hey journalists, you know when I talked about opening up libel laws? About that…
Journalists: (Unprintable stream of profanity-laden lamentation about the death of the press thanks to Buzzfeed)
Buzzfeed: WE REGRET NOTHING BECAUSE CLICKS.
Twitter: *Explodes*
Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton: Wait, someone mentioned golden showers?
Vladimir Putin: “To each sex bomb according to his abilities.“